My friend has a 3 year old daughter. She recently started babysitting for a friend three days a week. Her daughter, in light of sharing her "mommy", is now begining to act out. She will not listen to instructions, laughs in time out, thinks everything is a game, and is now (has been potty trained for several months) going to the potty on the floor (doing both)My friend doesn't believe in spanking and is really starting to get frustrated. She says when it comes to 5 time outs in a row and no behavior change she usually just sends her to bed, takes away favorite toys for a week. I don't have great advise to give her, I myself have a three year old that tests my patience...which I have told her its probably just pushing boundaries like toddlers tend to do. Any advise would be helpful. Thanks ladies!!
she will need to give her daughter some undivided attention when she is not babysitting. BUT, God gave us children and He gave us a handbook to raise them, the Bible. A controlled, firm spanking is what this child needs, the Bible is clear on that. I have raised (and continue to raise) 9 children and consistent, loving Biblical discipline works!
Below is some advice I'd like you to share with your friend. Please forgive me but I've just saved this email to send to people who are seeking advice and therefore the way it is written may seem strange, but this method did wonders for my daughter.
I also have a very headstrong daughter and this is what worked with her....Giving her choices. Many times children feel like they have no contorl over their lives, mom or dad tell them what to wear, when to eat, what to eat, etc. By giving the child choices, they feel like they are in control (when actually, you still are!). The key is to give 2 choices with each question (and ask as many as possible to give them more choices), either choice you are happy with.
Example:
When your daughter tells you she is thirsty, you say:
Would you like the red cup or the orange one?
Would you like juice or milk?
Would you like a lid or a straw?
Would you like to drink it in the kitchen or at the dining room table?
This works with discipline too...
When your daughter shows inappropriate behaviour, you say:
That behaviour is not acceptable in our home (or at church, or at the supermarket, etc.), would you like to spend 5 minutes time out in on your bed or in the dining room chair? If the child refuses to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Again, if they refuse to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Eventually they will see that the time is getting longer and longer and will choose.
The tough part is sticking with it in the beginning. When they refuse to choose (when it's not discipline) or try to give another option, you choose for them and STICK TO IT. This teaches them that if they won't choose from your options that you will take control back and choose for them. It won't take very long until they will choose because they will learn that if they don't you will choose for them and take the control away. If they refuse to choose (when it is discipline) you just keep upping the time and at some point you just stick with it so they will remember the next time that the punishment is worse if they don't choose.
My daughter is now 17 and a wonderful young lady, however, at 2 she was driving me crazy because she was so stubborn and strong willed. This method worked wonders on her, even in her potty training. These children won't do what you want them to do just because you want them to do it, they won't do it until they decide to do it and that can be quite frustrating!
Good luck!!!
in short, get Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. Great book, you'll both love it!
Anything by Sheedy Kurcinka is great, too. Can't remember her first name. Mary?
L.
Could try reading books by John Rosemond ("A Family of Value," "Making the 'Terrible' Twos Terrific!", etc.) - he recommends common sense instead of any particular technique, and says discipline (i.e. raising a self-disciplined child) is a matter of parental self-confidence and discipline. His books are really reassuring to read and I find they help me think clearer and not take myself too seriously (or my kids' misbehavior!). Good luck to you!
p.s. He says time outs are perhaps the most useless "punishment" that helping professionals have come up with - he's a psychologist who has tried both nouveau parenting methods and old fashioned methods, and wholeheartedly advocates old fashioned common sense over "touchy-feely" "sounds good" approaches. It won't be a sentimental read, but it will be refreshing!
The acting out and laughing is normal. a combination of growing/pushing boundaries and sharing mommy. The pooping on the floor is a different matter. Is she pooping her pants or is she pulling down her pants and pooping in the floor. This is usually a sign of other things going on that can be very serious. I would really be careful and as tiring as it can be giver her lots of extra love and attention. I would allow her to put up a few toys that she doesn't have to share and plays with when the other child isn't there. Not only is she sharing mommy, she is suddenly having to share her entire world. Her safest place, her home, her toys her everything. This ican be very upseting/scaring for a child. Especially is she wasn't part of the preperation process. Making a special place for this child and their things, toys for "school time" etc. Going back and doing that may help. Giving her some power and control will help her relax. Her little world has been completely invaded and though we understand she is only 3 all she knows is that there is a new kid in town and they are taking all of my stuff and touching it etc. Good luck and let us know what happends.
M., do a lot of intercessory prayer for your friend and her little girl. Children really don't want to be in control, but it seems that right now your friend's little girl is. Parenting is hard and your friend needs all the help she can get. The Lord will help her if she takes the problem to Him. He loves her and her family and will bless her with all the tools she needs for this and every situation.
I wouldn't say this is typical, but it is certainly not abnormal either. Some preschoolers do not adjust well to change. As she is having problems throughout the day, I would suggest a behavior chart. I would set up a reward chart for positive behavior - a star for using the potty, a star for eating lunch with good manners, a star for playing nicely with her new friend - whatever behaviors she is needing to reinforce. 10 stars = a reward (new can of playdoh, trip to the playground) She may need to start at a lower # of stars at first. You can also do the reverse - an X everytime she is naughty and 3 Xs mean lose a priviledge (no TV for rest of day). But considering the daughters need for attention, I would go with the reward chart. If she is going to be doing day care, she will need creative discipline that does not involve spanking.
