3 Year Old Being Mean to Baby Brother

I agree that 3 year olds are self-centered(not in a bad way), they just don't realize that everybody else has feelings and not everything goes their way. You need to help her see that she is hurting her brother. If she really adores him as you say, then help her to see his pain. Then have her sit in time out. Afterwards talk to her on her level about throwing toys. The time out is not just to sit in a corner or chair. It is for the child to think and to be removed from the situation (while you calm down). I also take toys away when they are thrown for the rest of the day. If the child proves them self worthy the rest of the day, then I make a big deal about it that night bringing the toy back out of time out. If I bring a toy out of time out, I usually do it before bedtime (unless the time out occurred after dinner) because they will forget why the toy was in time out in the first place after going to bed. I also don't allow my older child to play with the baby alone, for a couple of hours, to make sure that it doesn't happen again. If it is not handled correctly, your older child will be resentful of the younger child. I am not sure I handled this correctly with my oldest two kids (11 & 8 now) when they were little, my older one still hates the younger one and it is an ongoing battle. Definitely, keep it about the hitting and not the child. Good luck

Emphatically tell her she can't throw toys and separate her from her brother for a few minutes. Be sure she understands that she can't play with him if she throws toys at him. It may take time, but just keep at her about it. Be persistant.

One thing to bear in mind is that at three, kids are really just starting to figure out what it means to have emotions and what it all means. She has no idea that her baby brother feels emotions and pain too. All of her perceptions are self-centered right now.

Having said that, I agree that you need to nip such behavior in the bud as quickly as possible. My daughter plays roughly with my husband and sometimes carries that over to playing with me. When that happens, I'll tell her that she hurt me and I'll make a sad or hurt face when I tell her. If she doesn't apologize, then I will send her to time out.

If that doesn't work, and she continues, then I remove myself from her play and I walk away entirely. I also tell her that if she can't play nicely, then mommy doesn't want to play.

If she can't be nice to something, then she can't have it. If she can't be nice to someone else, then she can't play with them. That also goes for toys. If she throws a toy or hits with a toy, we take it away, put her in time out, and put the toy away for the rest of the day.

After time-outs or whatever punishment you deem is necessary, reassure her that its the hitting or throwing that you don't like, not your daughter. She needs all the reassurance that she is still loved, she just needs to be nice and its the mean habits you don't approve of.

Put her straight in time out and when time out is done have her say that she is sorry. She will eventually figure out that throwing is not ok because someone gets hurt and she will be held responsible for her actions whether she did it to hurt or not is not the issue.

K.,

There is a wonderful book called "Siblings Without Rivalry" that might help you. It addresses the underlying issues that are behind sibling rivalry, and give parents tools to deal with them. One tip that jumps to mind in your situation is to make sure you are giving your attention to the "victim" rather than the agressor. For instance, when you daughter throws a toy, go to your SON and pick him up. Say something like "Ouch, that must have hurt really bad when that toy hit you. Are you okay? Lets go... read a book, put some ice on it, nurse, etc. Alex needs to learn to play gently with you." Then pick your son up, and walk out of the room. Leave your daughter there, and don't give her the attention. What she is going to learn is that A) she looses the privelige of playing with her brother, and B) she doesn't get any payoff in attention from you. It won't be worth it for her.

Anyway, there are a lot of great ideas in this book. While I don't believe that it is going to take away all sibling rivalry, it does discuss a lot of things that parents do that contribute to rivalry. Many of the things it brought up, I had never thought about, but they totally made sense. I hope this helps.

Best of luck,
S.

Has something happen resently that would cause this behavior besides turning three? Maybe she recieved a lot of attention at her B'day and now wants it that way all the time. There are books about being kind and gentle. Try some private time between the two of you and see if it helps.
C. B

Try removing baby brother. If she really loves and adores him like you say, she'll be sad to lose the privilege of playing with him. If you're not a spanker (hands or rears) you can try toy time outs in combination with her own time outs. Whatever toy she throws can go in its own time out (our spot is on top of the refrigerator). I do like the other poster that spanks the hand. My boys hate this. It doesn't hurt them, it offends them when they get their hand spanked. They're more hurt that I would do that than their actual physical feelings getting hurt. Keep in mind, I only resort to that after repeated verbal reprimands haven't resulted in the change in behavior I was looking for. When my boys hit each other or do something physical (like throwing a toy) they get time out. But they're brand new to time outs and get really offended and sad when they have to do them. Hope it helps. Good luck.

She needs an immediate reaction. My husband and MIL are quick to hit my 3 year old's hand if he does something like this to his brother, but anything that gets her attention will work. If you get up quick and move across the room and pick her up, bring her to your face and say sternly 'no', she will get the picture. Or if you suddenly pin her to the floor (without hurting her) and tell her no, it has the same effect. The key word here is instantaneous. I usually combine this with a time out, and our 3 year old is starting to get the picture.

Meanwhile you can try to monitor her mood and if she's starting to look frustrated, maybe give her a break from little brother, or limit her time with him and have some bigger kid things for her to do on her own.