3 Year Old Crying at School

Very sad! I cannot imagine my 2 1/2 year old being away from me at this stage. They're so little! They just need mommy. :-) I can't offer much advice, but I hope you can work through it!

As a child care worker that deals with 3 year olds, I can tell you that this is completely normal! It's frustrating for everyone involved, but the fact is, she misses you. Don't give up on day care! Please! She needs to be with kids her age. Things will get better, and this will help her out in pre-k and then kindergarten.

Has your schedule changed recently at work? Where does the baby go when your daughter go to "school" these things could be variables...if your daughter feels like you aren't spending time with her, she will be upset more easily. If she thinks that the baby is getting to spend time with you and she isn't, that may also be an issue. There are two great books that may help. "Oh, my baby, little one" which describes a how a mother takes her little one to school and runs some errands and then comes back. Also "Bear and Mrs. Duck" is great. It is about a little bear whose "little girl" has to go out for a while and has "Mrs. Duck" babysit. At first bear is grumpy and fussy but then enjoys all that Mrs. Duck has to offer. You can read one of these books to your little girl and then compare it to when she goes to school and all the things she can do with her teacher like Bear does with Mrs Duck. Good Luck and God Bless.

I did have that problem when my daughter was small. It happened all of a sudden, she started crying and hanging on to me not wanting me to go. I went and talked to the Director and she asked if anything had happened at home, like a loss of someone or a pet and I said yes, our cat ran away and she said that may have caused her to fear that I might go away and not come back. I started reassuring her when I left her that I would always come back for her and like magic she quit crying about me leaving. It is amazing how things in our lives affect kids in ways that we don't even know.

Also, if my child had continued to be upset I would have pulled her out because I would have been forcing her to do something that she was not enjoying any longer and in my situation it was not a neccesity to have her in school.

K.

I have had both of my boys (9 yrs & 3 yrs) at daycare/preschool since they were 6 months old. They both went 5 days/week since I work full time. I have heard the providers say over & over that the children who attended part-time (2-3 days/week) are the ones who have the hardest time adjusting. The kids just seem to do better with a regular schedule. I guess they just like knowing what to expect.

When both boys were very young, they didn't miss me at all. When they each got to be around 2-3 the separation anxiety started. (It does seem to start suddenly.) At that point, they realize that when you drop them off, you are leaving. For us, it was worse on Mondays and especially on days after a long holiday like Christmas or spring break.

As for being mistreated/abused at pre-school, that was the first conclusion that my husband and I jumped to when our first was going through this. You hear about it so much & as first-time parents, we were really paranoid. I used to go at various times during the day & peek through the window just to reassure myself. Luckily, when our second son went through this, I was much more comfortable with the caregivers. (I've known most of them for 9 years now & the director is fantastic.)

All this is to say that it sounds like what your daughter is going through is very normal. Talk to the director & see if she/he can reassure you. At the very least, it will put a bug in her/his ear & they can provide more assistance to the teacher if the teacher happens to be new. My 3 yr old takes something every day to "show his friends". Like a book, rock, stuffed animal, etc. This is the coping device that he came up with on his own & it gets him prepared in the mornings. Don't know if it's possible with your schedule, but maybe taking her to school every day but for shorter hours would work better for her. At least then her daily schedule would be more regular. Short of that, find out what her schedule is at school & try to stick with it as much as possible at home. Same nap time, snack times, lunch, outside time, etc. Maybe she is getting irritated with the teacher because the teacher is not letting her do what she wants to do when she wants to do it.

Hope this helps. Don't feel guilty, she'll be fine.

Hello,
My situation is a little different, but maybe the same thing. We just moved and my daughter changed schools. She was very well liked and had many friends. At first she said, I do not want to go to school I just want you. I started talking with her more, asking about how she use to be so happy at school, what happened. She told me that she plays by herself. I am not sure if that is just her being insecure in a new place, but her teacher says she has not noticed that. I tell her to go and play smile and have fun and people will want to play with you. Hope that helps...

Everyones responses are great, but I am a counsler and have to bring your attention to one thing. We are a society that no longer copes or adjust to changing circumstances. These are the ages that children find out they can adjust. If you know she is safe then help her find in herself the coping skills to make it through her day. Example; The best part of mommy's day is when I come and pick you up, I can't wait to hear about how great your day is and what you learned. Have her make something at home to take and show to the class or teacher; this causes excitement to go to school. I hope this gives you another area to consider.

I'm sure there are ten ways to solve this problem, but here is what I would do. Send the child to school with a photo of you and her. Maybe put it around a teddy bear's neck. When she gets sad, she can look at the teddy bear photo. Try to get her to understand that you would like to be at school with her, (not that she should be at home with you) and that you really, really want her at school learning. Tell her you want her to learn her ABC's for you and that you want her to come home and show you what she has learned everyday. You think she may not be listening to your advice, but the first day after this encouragement in the morning, specifically ask her "What did you learn today for me?" She should be able to put two and two together after about 3 days. Hopefully, it will encourage her to go to school and think positive about you, not the negative that she is missing you.

My 3 year old did this same thing. The first couple of weeks at school he was fine, then a few weeks went by, and he would cry. He went so far as to tell them his ear hurt (he had NEVER had an ear infection before...) so they would call me and I would pick him up. After I got there, I asked him about his ear, and he said he was fine, he just wanted me...I guess he was already figuring out how to work the system...lol...
Anyway, the crying went on for a couple of more weeks, but we just worked through it. He would tell me, "if you take me to school, I will cry". and I would respond, "I will still take you and leave you there". After he understood he was not going to get his way by either not going, or having me come pick him up, he was fine. Now he walks into his class, and has a blast every day. He loves school.

My suggestion, keep working through it. You are being tested.

Give her a photo of yourself. The sitter can apply it to an area where your daughter can see you. Have you asked her if someone has been mean or <gulp> touched her inappropriately?

I was in daycare for 10 yrs and if she has changed that quickly, probably something has changed at her school. Either she has a new teacher, or a kids picking on her, or her best friend in class isn't coming anymore. Something has changed with her. I would investigate it. My daughter went through that once and it was a horrible feeling to leave her that way (and I was right next door).

I hope this helped.

Have a blessed day! I admire that you put in your about me that you love God. I love Him too!!!

D. Mattern-Muck
The MOM Team
Raise your income and your rugrats at the same time.
www.formyrugrats.com
"The only thing that counts is faith, expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6

You could ask the teacher if anything has changed in the last few months. Maybe there's a new kid, new teacher, or new routine that she doesn't like. I would try to investigate that; maybe stay with her for an entire day or part of it, just to see what's goin on. You could also try a comfort item like a blanket or picture of you.

Good luck!

Hi S.! I am a preschool teacher and here is what I know: she is going through a stage of separation anxiety that is completely normal and you should not worry. I have taught 3 year old children and 4 year old children. This happens all the time. It can happen even when there are no changes in her preschool day. It just shows that she is growing and becoming aware that you are not around. She will get through it. Hopefully her teachers are encouraging her through out the day. This will pass, you'll see. Love, J.

We went through this when my daughter was 3. She insisted on going to "school", but would cry once she was there, almost every time. She would say the best part of her day was when I picked her up, but she still wanted to go to school!

Her teacher ended up letting her have a teddy bear, called Huggy Bear, while she was at school. This helped tremendously, as she had someone/something for comfort throughout the day. This was not a bear from home (she didn't have a consistent comfort object at home at this time) it was a school bear, and we kept it at school only.

If she's enjoying school, and wants to go, this may be a good option for you. I've also heard of sending a picture of mom/dad/family to school for the kiddo to look at for comfort, but the bear worked well for us.

It could be that maybe some of the kids are being a little pushy or mean to her, ask the teacher if there was any conflicts with your baby and another child. or also try this I know this worked for me. I would tell my son that i loved him and that mommy will be back after he had his fun at daycare and and soon as mommy finished her doing her work at work. That would help most of the time or i would have to sometimes leave him something that belonged to me so that he would know that i was coming back for him. Good Luck

It's possible that at your daughter's young age she has little concept of time and thus every time she is brought to this school, the traumatic part for her may be that it feels like it is forever and she begins to wonder if you are ever coming back. I was thinking if there is a specific routine at the school that you could remind her that you will always come right after second snack or after the nap or whatever the event is that occurs right before time for you to pick her up and reassure her that you will always be there immediately after whatever that activity is. That way she can start to grasp that there truly is a specific time when mom comes back.

I would definitely just try to ask her simple questions to see if any of the teachers or other children did anything that hurt her or her feelings. Even have a few surprise visits and stop in to see class in progress. Don't let her see you, but see what is going on in class when you are not there.

I don't want to be an alarmist, but if I were you, I'd drop by the school unannounced to ensure that nothing is going on. The problem may rest with the teacher's actions (or lack thereof) or with another child. Don't let the school or your daughter know that you are coming. Once there, just "peek" on her to see if there's a justified cause.

Hope it's nothing, but better safe than sorry.

Dear S.,
Try buying one of those inexpensive necklaces that are the left and right side of a heart shape. Have your child wear one of the heart necklaces and you wear the other to "prove" to her that you are coming back because you "belong" together just like both halves of the necklace. I gave my 5th grader one of my biggest flashiest earrings to remind her that I was with her so she would go to summer camp. She loved it and that soothed her for the week we were separated. You could also spray some of your perfume on her so she will smell you and remind her you are coming right back. Hope this helps! Love C.

same experience....God was calling us to homeschool at that point so I pulled her out and brought her home...we can give her everything she needs including security without sending her to school...pray about it. blessings

I think your daughter is adjusting fine. I would question why the provider found it nessesary to tell you she cries of and on all morning. This is a normal response the provider should be able to redirect her or comfort her as needed. I am not sure what she expects you to do other than feel really guilty. Crying is your daughters way of showing her emotions. She will cry a little les every day until she adjusts to the new situation. Just comfort your daughter and talk about school every day. Tell her that you love and miss her to and are glad that she is having fun at school.