Advice About Communicating with Daycare Teacher

Hi L.,

I understand your discomfort with confrontation. However, you are your child's advocate in this world and it sounds like this daycare situation is not working well for him. He may be acting out like this because of lack of physical affection. Toddlers need a lot of holding, hugging and cuddling, heck kids of ANY age do! And if the provider is not expounding on details of your sons day, she's not very communicative.

Remember that they are there to provide you a service by taking care of your kids. You are in the power position here. They are here to serve you and if you don't feel you're getting quality care for your son or quality information then you may want to consider relocating your son.

Here's an idea for you, check into some home daycares. There's a smaller headcount and much more personalized attention to the kids. You can contact the YWCA CCR&R for referrals in your area. You can also contact this organization for information on how to handle talking to this center you're in already. I'm not sure where you are located but here's the website to the Dupage branch: http://www.ywcadupage.org/ccrrmain.htm

Hope that helps,

T.

I do home daycare and I would want to know if the parents wanted me to do something differently. having been a teacher too I appreciated when parents came to me first and then the director if I had already been spoken with. I know face to face is hard- but you need to be an advocate for your son. Also having been a teacher she may just be saying "fine "becasue she is frustrated and just doesn't know what else to say. I know many kids actthe way you son is- it is normal. I would ask if you can observe him one day( without him knowing you are there) if possible. I would also say if they do not want to cuddle him etc- then maybe it is time to find a more nuturing environment. I have 3 years olds too that I hold daily!
You can e-mail me at bbalboa!comcast.net
I own Got Tots Inc. in Lombard.
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Dear L.,
You need to speak with the teacher (I'd schedule an appointment to meet, so that you can have privacy and enough time to get the issues addressed), and if she doesn't respond in a way that you're comfortable with, you need to go to the director. I have 3 kids in daycare (an 11 month old, a two year old, and a 4 year old). I'd be very concerned with any teacher who doesn't think toddlers should be held. The behavior you're describing from your toddler is normal behavior. He just needs someone who can gently redirect aggressive behavior. I suspect that this teacher doesn't have much formal training in early child development (something you might want to ask the director about). In fact, I would let the director know what she said about holding. If that is the daycare's policy, then I would consider looking for a different day care provider, but I suspect it is just this teacher.

Remember, you are the paying customer. They aren't doing you a favor--you pay them for their services. You have every right to ask questions and to get truthful answers about the care of your child. If after trying this you still aren't satisfied, then look elsewhere. Good luck!

Best,
R.

Your child's "teacher" is the one acting inappropriatly. I would definately talk with her supervisor, letting her know what her philosophy is on holding a toddler. I have never heard such a riduculous statement. All children need to be held, forever! My mom still holds me if I need it and I am 31. As far as the aggression goes, no it is not acceptable to continue to let your son take toys away from other children and hit and bite. However, it is very common. Both my children went through this. Their daycare provider and myself came up with a plan on how to handle the situation and we both stuck to it. For the most part the behavior has subsided, but on occasion it comes back.

I would suggest looking into your other options. It is hard enough having to drop your children off at daycare everyday without them crying and screaming that they don't want to go. My children both love their daycare, which makes things a lot easier when having to leave them all day. Good luck and be strong. If you don't advocate for your children, who will?
Let us know what the outcome is.
E.

Hi L.,
Reading your story is even making me angry at the teacher. My son is not in daycare but I feel that you need to go with your gut feeling and you son is obviously telling you that he doesnt feel safe there. Also, I dont care how old my son is if he needs to be held or cuddled I will do it!! Good luck

L.,
I am so sorry that your son is having a difficult time this year in daycare. You absolutely need to talk to the teacher and director. If you feel that the teacher may somehow be upset with your concerns and take it out on your son, you need to talk with the director first.
Your son needs comforting and kindness during the day. The belief that toddlers don't need holding is against nature not to mention most early childhood education philosophies. When a small child is hurt, sad, scared or even happy, sitting on their teachers lap for a time will give them a sense of security and safety.
It is time to make an appointment with the director. "Fine" is not an acceptable response everyday. I would want to know how my child ate, slept, played and behaved each day. Ask the director if there is some sort of note that can be sent home each day that communicates your child's day. I know that the teacher doesn't always have time to discuss each child at the end of the day, but a toddler room should have some type of communication between teacher and parent EVERYDAY.
Most directors are very supportive of parents. It is their job to talk with you and help make necessary adjustments for your child. If at any time you feel that the director is not listening to you or is not going do anything to help your son's situation, then it is time to look for a new daycare. It is so important that your son be nurtured and loved. It is equally important that you have a detailed account of your children's day. He is still a baby in so many ways and if he is so aware of how unhappy he is at school, there is a huge problem. DO NOT THEM TELL YOU IT IS SEPERATION ANXIETY or that it is in anyway his problem. HE is trying to tell you that there is a problem. He can't sit down and tell you in words so he is biting, and taking things to get your attention. Please make sure you take his side first. Don't let the director or teacher make it your or your son's problem, especially since you said he hasn't acted like this before. I am sure it will get resolved when you share your concerns. If you are still unhappy with his situation, leave the center.

Hi Lagang

I would recommend talking to her. It sounds like it will be uncomfortable to confront her, but your concerns and wants for your son are very reasonable. If you communicate with her out of the concern you have for your son, I don't know how she could take things the wrong way. IF she doesn't respond appropriately then you could and should go to the director. If your son is struggling with something, it doesn't make him a bad kid. I'm quite sure he is not the first aggressive toddler they have seen, so therefore they should have strategies to help him in a compassionate way. Know that you are not asking for too much and the issue probably needs to be addressed.

Good Luck
M.

Hi!
Having been a kindergarten teacher for many years, I would have to suggest you talk to the teacher first! I felt hurt when parents went to the principal first. Almost every issue could have been resolved easily by approaching me first. I would compare with the teacher his behavior at school and at home and ways that you can work TOGETHER to make sure there is consistency with handling his aggression or other problems. Open communication is the only way to resolve this issue and you will just need to make the extra effort to talk with the teacher. If this fails--then go to the director. You can explain the attempts made and they could then intervene.
As for the affection issue, this ia an area concern. 15 months old is still a baby! Kids at this age still need affection and to be consoled. If you still feel she is this cold it may be time to switch centers or classrooms(if there is another toddler room there).
Good Luck!
L.

Dear L.,
I don't think you should feel bad to about confronting the director. After all, you are paying her for services, not the other way around. Also, it is your child that is important, and if the director can only give you vague answers, then maybe it is time to move daycares. I have had issues with a daycare director in Naperville, and I wasn't satisfied with the way she ran the school. I thought she was inexperienced, and not very communicative with me as the mother, and i felt that sometimes you have to make the decision to change environments, especially when it comes to the way your child receives care. Don't be afraid to question teachers and directors, if they are solid in their profession, they should expect parents to express their concerns. And if they are truly sincere about childcare, they will be sensitive to parent's needs, no matter how much it differs from their own philosophy.
J.

As I was reading your email it was as if you knew my 2 1/2 year old son. I had simliar issues with the day care my son was at. It made me feel very uncomfortable. I would walk out of the day care...dripping with sweat because I was so uncomfortable and just cry. At least once a week the teacher would tell me he was acting aggressively. It was had to digest and had (as a newer parent in this new situation) to know exactly what to say, as an adult and as my child's only advacate. I think you should tell the teacher just what you wrote about about how even bigger kids needs have to be met. You are right. I ended up pulling my son out of the situation. As his mom, I had to do what was best for him and in my heart, I have known for a very long time that that was the right thing to do. And remember all kids learn differently. My son would hit another child (which I think is wrong) over a toy, but what I realized was it was his speech and development...not aggression. He just did not know how to tell the other child to not take his toys.

Also as kids grow and develope they may hit or bit, but they are just trying to explore and understand their enviroment. As a parents, yes we need to tell them that is wrong, but it is a process and they are still babies ( at times, I lost sight of that).

No one can tell you what is best of your child but you. It sounds like you are already throwing some different ideas around. You have a right to talk to the director and either make suggestions, express your own concerns, or tell them that this school is not a good fit. And if you decide to switch, go with it, don't drag your decision out, just be done with it.

I know how you feel and I know how it just tugs at your heart. I understand my kids are not perfect, but they are still babies.

You have every right to let that teacher know your feelings about your child. If you don't like the way she is doing something, you should tell her and she should be willing to do whatever she can to make your request a top priority for your child. I would also confront the director so that he/she could correct this issue. It is the director's job to make sure that each child is properly taken care of. Each child is different in their own way and if your child's needs are not met, something needs to be changed to provide for him. Don't feel bad about the teacher or the director's feelings because it's your child who will be hurting and he is the reason that you are paying the center those big bucks! Be strong and Good luck!

I would most absolutly talk tothe director. The MOST important person in your childs day when you are not there is the person you are paying to take care of them. How dare this person tell you a toddler does not need to be held, every nowandthen maybe even not a daily basis but all kids need tob reassured that everything is ok! I would not only talk to the person in charge but I would also report this, daycare's havetoanswer to someone! Is this person a qualified teacher? or is it just some schmuk that needs a job? I run daycare from my home and I would not treat any child like that. I would look into changing daycare, sometimes you will find things a bit diffrent elsewhere, or even from a home daycare. Good Luck Kris

L.,
Go talk to that director. It's your child. Who cares if you're causing any kind of trouble. It's your child. I wouldn't switch schools, yet.
The director shouldn't have any problem what so ever confronting her employee. That employee who continues to respond, "He's fine." Fine is an unacceptable answer. You would rather hear, He's Good, no problems. He's great. He's doing much better.
Ask how is day was but then ask a specific question. Like, di he hit today? What was the reason? Some of this is typical toddler behavior but they need to be cuddled also. Heck, We're adults and we nee that kind of attention. Ask a few detailed questions. Then if things don't appear to better with the communication with her go talk to the director.
This is your child. No one else can protect that child except you. You have to fight for him

I have provide childcare in my home for 12 years and been in the early childhood field for 19. Fine, isn't an acceptable answer. She may be saying that so you don't say anything else. Fine is average or below average. GOOD LUCK!!!

Hi L.,

It's my opinion, but I think you should definitely talk to the director. It's her job to understand where you're coming from and be the buffer between you and the teacher. You are not causing her any trouble. If anything you are helping her to see the type of teacher she has and then she can make the decision on how to handle the situation. Not all teachers are meant to be with all ages. Maybe this teacher would work better with the older children. The director needs to know this stuff. See it as being an advocate for you child. Also, let the director know that as a parent you are doing the best you can to remedy your son's behavior, and maybe she can offer some advice or tips. Work together with your daycare. If that doesn't work, then I would suggest changing schools.

Good Luck, I hope it all works out.
S.

L.,
I think you definitely should switch daycares as soon as possible. The first 5 years of a child is the most important of their life. It would affect their adult life of trusting others & believing positively. When what I can tell, that teacher is definitely not a right teacher for your little boy. Kids constantly need to be hugged & loved no matter how old they are. If I were you, I would switch day care as soon as possible & confront to the teacher & director of the reason why you switched. Considering yourself go to a workplace that you hate everyday and you've had enough, I think that's what your son is going through right now. May God give you wisdom on this decision!

C.

Stop worrying about what trouble the director may have confronting the teacher, and stop worrying about what this teacher thinks. She is there to care for your son. If she expects all children to be picture perfect, well behaved kids, then she's in the wrong business. And, for someone who believes kids his age (babies, really) don't need affection, then she's definitely in the wrong business. Take care of what needs to be done. If that's confronting the teacher to find out what her problem is, then do it. IF you're more comfortable with discussing it with the director, then do it. The director needs to know if one of his/her employees cannot handle the job, or is making it more difficult. If your son could talk, he'd tell you why he's more agressive and doesn't want to go to daycare. But, he can't. You have to talk for him.

Dear L.,

You should definitely talk to the director.
Your son is only 15 months old for god sake.
He is still a baby and he should not be stressed by somebody who doesn't know how to deal with small kids.
It is about your son and not about anything else.Our kids depent on us and on our decisions and your son is still just a baby.

Love
Lucy (mom of one 4year old hyper)

L.,

Don't worry about hurting the adults' feelings. The adults can take care of themselves. It's your job to worry about your kids and speak up for them, and to make sure they're getting the quality care they deserve.

As you mentioned, you've already talked to the teacher a few times with no satisfactory results. Maybe you've been too subtle. At any rate, it is still her fault because you pay her to be your son's caretaker and if something is not right during the day, she is supposed to be initiating a conversation with you about it. And by your son's reactions to go to daycare, something is definitely "not right". Many daycare givers give a weekly report to the parents in writing but I guess this one doesn't? Personally, I find the teacher's responses curt, and the fact that she wouldn't cuddle a child that is crying or hurt is extremely disturbing. So disturbing that this fact alone should lead you directly to the director's office. If you are not satisfied with his or her solution to this problem, move your kids to a different place. Your daughter is probably real low maintenance so issues didn't arise before but this doesn't necessarily mean that this is a good, and nurturing place.

Anyway, I sure wish you good luck in the resolution of this problem. I hope you let us know how this works out.

Diana

L.,
You should talk to the director! I am a former daycare teacher and they need to know how their staff is handling the kids. The director's job is to make sure everything goes smoothly and needs to address any area that is not. Including behavior's of kids. Where this teacher got the idea that holding a toddler is bad is crazy! Yes you need to let them learn and explore, but no contact is a bad message as well. A child can lose their security if no one will hold them when needed. That can cause some of the attitude he may be displaying too! I feel you need to talk to the director. I am a supervisor in my current job, and I need people to tell me what's happening, cause I don't always know. So please don't feel bad saying something, it needs to be addressed!
K.

L.,

I used to be a director for a daycare center for 6 years and worked as a teacher in the daycare center for 5 years. Here is my suggestion, since you are uncomfortable talking with the teacher you should talk to the director as it is her/his job to make sure families are happy at the center. Since your son is unhappy and appears to not want to go to the center, I would ask if he could be transferred to another room with another teacher to see if this helps the situation. I would not feel bad about confronting the teacher or director, after all you are only looking out for what is best for your child and his well being. Situations like this are common and the best thing to do is make the teacher or director aware of how unhappy your child and you are. After all you are paying them to watch your child. If possible, talk to the other parents and see how they feel, see if their child is getting treated the same way, maybe this teacher is just not right for this age group and can be moved to a different class room. I agree with you, every child no matter their age, needs some cuddling! Good luck and hope this helps - stay strong and talk it out, it could only help the situation :)

If you don't stick up for your son.........who will? He is still a baby, my daughter is 17 months and if we don't stick up for them, how will they ever learn to stick up for themselves?
Good Luck, I know you are in a hard situation!
C.