3 Year Old Turning Really Needy

Hi H.,

Having been a nanny that has worked in people's homes, here's what I found worked for me, and the children.

A Shut-Door policy: When the women I worked for were busy, they shut the door to their room or office. That shut door meant "I'm not here", so unless there was a serious injury or fire, our agreement was that they were doing their job and I was doing mine. This worked very, very well, although it's sometimes hard for the child to understand.

Nonetheless, when your au pair is "on", she's on. That means that when it comes to the your daughter's crying, refusing to eat or use the toilet, this is the au pair's turf. If these are attention-getting techniques as you say (it usually goes like this- child refuses to respond to au pair, au pair comes to you, helpless....or, it could be that you are working with one ear open and want to help out your au pair...), stop giving it attention.

In the case of not eating: leave a plate out for her with food that won't go bad after an hour or so. If she comes to the table and refuses to eat, don't make a battle of it. Tell your au pair not to push it and just to let your daughter go play or whatever else she wants to be doing. Trust me, she'll eat when she's hungry. No child ever starved themselves when they saw that no attention was being paid to digging their heels in and not eating.

In the case of not using the toilet: well, maybe she wets her pants, or messes them. If your daughter refuses to use the toilet, have the au pair work with you to help your daughter through this by letting her wet or mess and having your daughter help follow-through with the cleanup.

I don't want to say that you have to ignore her, but you do have to decide when you are working and you aren't. This needs to be clear-cut in your head and your daughter's head. Reasoning with a three year old may be difficult, but what you can do is set up a schedule so that you have two consistent breaks to visit with the kids, and keep those dates. If you do this every day for a couple weeks, your daughter will understand that mom is available at certain times, and she will be reassured. You will be able to get your work done.

One more thing, discuss this new arrangement with the au pair in advance, and not in front of your kids. I wouldn't blame, but be incredibly clear and communicate how you want the day to go and that you do not want interruptions due to attention-getting actions from your daughter. Review with her after a couple days and always keep these discussions private and away from your daughter. She will have to grow, and having it reviewed in her face won't help. Instead, with her, use empathetic language at the beginning and end of the day and avoid telling her that you've been listening to her cry and how it's affecting you. "I'm so glad to see you!" is a wonderful greeting.

I have more ideas but no more time...good luck and send me a message if you need to pick my brain. Like I said--I did it for years!

Good news--it is a phase. But you have to help her out grow it or it will continue and it will be even harder to deal with later.

One thing to do is when she goes on her needy phases, you can say to her, I will not talk to you when you have lost control (be sure to identify her behavior for her). When you stop _____ I will be glad to see you. Then you leave the room, or turn your back, or put her in her room. Stay calm, no emotion--this isn't a punishment, it is only a withdrawal of your involvement with her. When she is in control of herself again, greet her with joy and happiness.

If she doesn't eat, don't push it. Put her down on the floor and then she doesn't eat until the next meal. Don't give in or save the meal in the fridge and she can eat that. Never force a child to finish a meal.

There are three things you cannot force a child to do, eat--sleep--and poop. I had to remind myself that frequently. Use the reward of your pleasant, joyful self. Remove that when she is having difficulty controlling herself.

WElcome to the thrashing threes. It's a phase no one tells you about, maybe because no one would have kids if they knew :). It is way, way, way worse than twos.

They have discovered their independence and are testing the limits EVERYWHERE and ALL THE TIME!! They seem to develop a manipulative streak, which seems irrational when you think about their limited years of wisdom. But don't let their small bodies fool you :)

One bit of discipling advice. Don't try to reason with her. State the rule, deliver the consequences and move forward. When my youngest was 3 one of our three house rules was "Don't argue with a three year old." (The others were and still are: Always be loving and helpful. Don't add to the noise.) It really helped my older two handle episodes with their brother

Anyway, stay teh course. Take deep breaths. Make a bit of extra time for her and her alone. (Sibling rivalry is big at this age, too.)And remember this phase only lasts for a year or so. After that they tend to be fairly reasonable until middle school and I won't scare you with those details:}.

My daughter had a day like yours yesterday! I can laugh now, but it wasn't funny yesterday. She took the refusing to use the toilet to a whole new level. She went in her room and got a little bowl from her kitchen set, set it on the floor in her room and went potty in the bowl. That's just one example of how she refused to do what I asked yesterday as well as her seeking attention from me no matter how she could get it!
I found that I was using threats all day with her. This was NOT effective at all!!!! Even though I followed through on most of the threats, it wasn't effective. What I really thought about last night that probably would have helped our day go more smoothly would have been to use more Love and Logic techniques, which always seem to work. So instead of me using threats, I could just say "Oh no" when she makes a bad choice and then let my actions do the rest of the talking for me. I get myself in trouble when I talk too much and don't take action. So, I know that for me, I just need to stay calm, not show emotion (SO HARD!) and say "Oh no, this is so sad, but it looks like you will need to use the potty in the hall for the rest of the day (instead of the potty that connects her room and her sisters) so I will know that you are using the potty correctly."
With the whining, we have come up with a phrase we always say to her that helps to discouage the whining. We say, "Oh no, I can only listen to sweet voices." On particularly whiny days, I will have to say it over and over again. But, I refuse to repond to her if she whines. She always gets the point and the next day is usually better. If she's crying and really carrying on, we say, you can have one more minute to cry and then after that you will need to go to your room if want to keep crying.
I wish you the very best!!!

Tell your daughter exactly what you expect. If she whines, tell her that you will talk to her when she uses her big girl voice and cannot understand her. She will eat when she is hungry enough. If she has an 'accident' have her clean it up. Use a crying chair - if she needs to cry, tell her to sit there and she can come back when she's done. If these things happen when you are out, be prepared to leave, even if it is a full grocery cart.

Great advise Hazel. It is clear you know what you are talking about :). I've been there too, as an au pair, and setting the clear expectation with your childcare provider and making a plan together is a great plan. It certainly is more challenging to watch children when the parent is at home, because the kids just want their momma :)

I agree with Ava D. that you need to find alone time for her and you to do something together. I think you should have a rhythm in your everyday to have special time with her.
Remind her when she's acting up and in need of attention that she will have Mommy time later, this is Mommy's work time etc...A lot of the behavior sounds like reverting from having a baby in the house and wanting to be the baby.

I would keep on the mark for the other behavior. When you give her choices at that age, it should only be 2 choices (like: do what I ask or sit alone until you can ask & not whine or eat this or that on your plate or use the potty or have to have a diaper no argument).I know you don't want to go backwards, but sometimes it's necessary to go forward. Two many choices can lead to more tantrums. Be consistent non emotional and gently firm when dealing with her. Reward her with praise when she does a positive thing. It will get worse before better as she has to see what will work for her. It's hard work for now but you will get to the other side of the tunnel.

this is hard, just want to read responses. also, don't know if you've heard of naomi aldort. she's an amazing woman, mom of 3 boys and a family counsler. she's the author of raising our kids, raising ourselves. she's also conducted many seminars on parenting and the nature of children. check out her website at naomialdort.com
i too have a very strong daughter that knows exactly what she wants and why she wants it. it's very hard for her to accept that she has limitations in this big world. i am going to refer to the website listed by dawn, i love to have many ideas to ponder on.

good luck and take care, C..

Her behavior is very common for both her age and for a child with a younger sibling. She most likely needs more one on one time with just you and or Dad. A younger baby requires so much time and care it is usually a little jealousy that causes a sibling toddler to act out. She doesn't do it consciously, she just knows she needs more of your attention focused on her, no matter what kind of attention it is. I would suggest taking her on fun Mommy daughter outings whenever you can, or bed time story time with just you and her. Climb in the tub with her if someone else can watch her brother. Anything you can do to give her some one on one time whenever possible. Both of my children were just as challenging at 3 as they were at 2.

The whining I know is so annoying. What I do is make my daughter stop, who is also 3, is to tell her to go to her room until she is done whining or crying. Actually going to the room is rarely even needed anymore. Merely the mention of being sent to her rooms is all that is needed now. Just a few trips, usually with my carrying her kicking and screaming, was all it took. I close the door behind me and if she tries to come out before she is done with her fit, I put her back in. My daughter too is VERY strong willed and time outs never worked for her, but putting in her room and closing the door sure did. I guess it was the kind of time out she needed. Every child is different, so you just have to find what works for you, but that is what works for us. Good luck. :)

my daughter is very similar. she will be 4 in march, and this last year has been HELL on us!
whenever my daughter decides she's going to throw a fit for whatever reason, we tell her she can either go to her room and cry by herself, or she can calm down, stay downstairs, and talk with us. if she decides she isn't going to calm down, we tell her to go upstairs to her room. usually, she'll go up with no issue. she might just need to get her emotions out, and that's fine, she can do it where she isn't disturbing anyone else. if she throws a bigger fit, one of us will usually pick her up and tell her she needs to calm down in her room.
also, i refuse to acknowledge whining and baby talk. for instance, if she tells me she's "hungwee" instead of "hungry" i tell her that isn't a real word so i can't help her. when she whines i tell her she needs to talk like a big girl so i can understand her.
my daughter also has an issue with the potty. it's not that she has accidents or anything, it's that she won't go potty until she's already peed in her pants a little. i'm not talking once in a while, i mean we were changing her panties up to 5 times a day. we tried being understanding, we tried time outs for getting her panties wet, we tried explaining that she couldn't stay in preschool if she was going to wet her pants. what finally worked was monitoring her bathroom visits. she goes after she's watched 1 cartoon in the morning, and then after that we'll usually try and have her go every couple of hours or so. we'll set a timer and say, "okay, the timer is set for x minutes, when it goes off you HAVE to go potty" and stick to it. the first couple weeks of that method resulted in many temper tantrums. it really honestly seemed like she wanted to wet herself. but after a while, she adjusted and for the most part she goes just fine when the timer goes off. if she's super tired she'll throw a fit over potty use, but other than that, she's starting to realize the potty is part of being a big girl. she's begun going on her own, before the timer is set or goes off, so i'm hoping we can wean her off of needing to be told to go.
i have no advice for the eating, except let her starve herself. when she realizes it's not getting her anywhere, and when she realizes she's hungry, she'll eat. you don't want to create food issues that may manifest themselves as eating disorders later.
you may already do this, but try and set up some daily one on one time with your daughter. we added a few minutes of cuddle time onto the end of our bedtime schedule (we already have cuddling as part of the routine before going to bed), except it's only one parent, it's in her room, and it's just for a few minutes. it seems to have helped my daughter's behavior a bit. also, every friday the 3 of us play a game of go fish, and when my daughter comes home from daycare or preschool, i make it a point to ask her how her day was and what she did before i jump into picking things up or making phone calls. even little things like that can help her feel more secure.
also, ask her for her help. sometimes, being asked to give mommy a hand with something can really help a child feel important and useful. my daughter has chores, though she doesn't know they are chores. we just tell her we need her help or "can you be mommy's big helper" by putting away the silverware, or putting away her laundry, or putting clothes from the washer into the dryer. i've even handed her a towel and asked her to dry the bathtub or given her a washcloth to wipe down the kitchen cabinets! these little tasks give us some time together, teach her some responsibility, give her some confidence, and help her learn about teamwork. and, she thinks it's fun (for now)!
i think it's great that you give your daughter choices, it really fosters confidence and a positive self esteem. even though it doesn't seem to be working, keep it up. it's building a foundation for later. in some situations, though, giving choices may not be the best thing. if you're giving her a choice between going downstairs to play with the au pair or staying upstairs with you, she's going to choose you, even if the best situation for both of you is to be with the au pair so you can work efficiently and tend to your kids sooner. in that case, she shouldn't have a choice. you work and that's that, and she can learn to respect that and let you be when you're in work mode. giving your child choices is meant to empower them, not to give them the power to run your life, so be careful you not to fall into that trap.
headstrong, high needs, high maintenance, strong-willed. all of these are great euphemisms for our kids, and while it's a challenge now (i know so many parents who watch my daughter and tell me they're grateful for the kind of kid they have) it'll pay off later in life. these kids are highly intelligent and with the right support can grow up to be highly motivated kids who grow up to be confident teens that don't give into peer pressure easily and wind up having strong leadership skills in adulthood. watch out for their sensitivity, they are susceptible to depression and low self esteem when they don't meet their personal expectations.

Try setting time aside just for each child that your focus is entirely on them each day. Also, she is old enough to talk the problem over with her and let her know that each time she whines, you will ask her to sit at time out. Time should consist in one space set up for it with small quiet items(books, puzzles, etc) that she can play with only at that time. She can leave time out when she is ready to stop the behavior you are helping her work on. If she comes out of time out and starts the behavior again, now the time out is set at 1 minute per year she is old and starts only when she is playing quietly in the time out area(sitting in a chair at a table, or in a large open laundry basket with small toys only for time out helps designate the space better). Never react in anger, stay calm with her. Be very consistent. This will work with any behaviors you find that are beginning to irritate you, or the father, as long as you work together and always introduce the problem areas and the working solutions clearly to her. As you see this becoming successful, reward her with small items when she talks to you and makes requests of your time, rather than whining and crying, maybe a balloon to play with or a couple m&m's, and thank her to help reconize the work she is putting into it also.

Sorry, but an au pair is no substitute for you. She needs and wants your attention and involvement and the behaviors will continue to escalate until you start spending sometime with her. When her little brother gets a little older, he'll join the chorus. You need to take the time, make the time to snuggle, rock, play, feed, talk with your kids. Parents who work from their homes have a challenge of a home office, but many choose to do this as a means of saving on childcare costs and having the opportunities to interact their kids.

Once you start giving her the time she needs, then you can begin to 'reason' with her. But reasoning with a toddler is not always possible, they don't have that ability yet. She's not an adult and isn't capable of negotiations, you need to spend time with her, building up your mutual emotional bank account, because it sounds like you're overdrawn there.

An au pair is a great way to provide childcare, but again, they are not a substitute for Mom. They can augment your care, be there during 'office hours', but at some point in the day, Mom comes 'home from work' and is a full time Mom.

I found a site that has done wonders for me, 'raising Godly tomatoes;.. I have 2 toddlers and have very few problems since I applied this method.. I use this method because those are my beliefs, but even if you may not be a christian you can still apply the method of teaching obedience.. it may seem stickt but believe me it works and my children are very happy and hardly need correcting anymore..IT use to be I was constantly saying NO! and I was tired of the fits and crying and the fighting. now instead I only need to correct a few times a day rather than constanly..and I can enjoy my children more rather than fight with them all the time.. GOOD LUCK

H. try this,when your Daughter gets into her moods use this what I mean by that is if she dosen't want to eat say ok well Iam going to because Iam hunger or more for us then, & when she starts whining or crying put a sad face on my Daughter would respond to this & I would tell her she was making me sad then she would try to cheer me up it may not work but just try to reverce what she is doing.good luck.J. now a granma.