3.5 Year Old Acting Out

I don't have much advice, but I do think you should let go of the guilt. You are the mother of a 3 week old baby! This is one of the hardest times in your life, ever. Forgive yourself for yelling. You are under tremendous stress -- you aren't getting any sleep, for one thing -- and it's okay.

Let me start off by saying its not your fault..... and then end it by saying that 3.5 was THE WORST AGE EVER! My oldest son.... oh I was ready to sell him to the gypsies when he was 3.5. My youngest is now almost 4... and I would have given him away for free. i'm not even kidding.... 3.5 is a HARD AGE! IT DOES GET BETTER! She's not only feeling a big jealous with the new baby, but its just the age too. She's getting big for her britches and testing her boundaries... learning she is her own person and seeing what she can and can't get away with.

With my boys, I found they were at a crossroads... wanting to be a big boy but also not past that 'baby' phase yet. They were insecure but wanting to be independent. So it is hard for both her and you! You need to encourage her but be there for her as well.

I promise it will pass, and 4 is an AWESOME AGE! But be prepared, because the '1/2 years' (3.5, 4.5, 5.5, 6.5, etc) are the hardest, my boys both went through these difficult phase right around their 1/2 birthdays.

Congrats on your new baby, and just rest assured that its nothing you are doing, she is testing and she needs boundaries and lots and lots of love and encouragement.

My daughter was 2.5 when I had my son... I had to re-potty train her, and it started they day I brought him home from the hospital!

She is just feeling neglected, and acting her age.
I would try to take the time to really talk to her about her feelings. You might be suprised at how much she can verbalize what she feels at her age.
Try to schedule in an hour, or at least half an hour a day for your husband to take the baby, and you focus entirely on her. Call it your special time. Daddy needs to bond with the baby anyways :)
This will help her feel important to you. I would do whatever she misses that you had more time for before the baby.

You got a lot of good advice. I hope it is helping you. People are saying a lot of the things I wanted to tell you:

This is a VERY difficult time for any mom, and it will pass. (as a mother of 10, I would agree that having two little ones was the hardest time ever)

Shower that little one with love in unconditional ways--make sure it's not only when she is misbehaving or when she is behaving. Asking for her help with the baby (go get a diaper, throw one away, bring the blanket, wiggle the baby seat...) is a powerful thing for her well-being, too.

Make sure you are accepting any help available for yourself. This culture is horribly stupid when it comes to respecting the post-partum period. You need a lot of support and special care for several weeks after having a baby. In many cultures it would be unheard of for you to be trying to deal with your toddler and the needs of your baby right now.

But I don't see that you are getting advice on actually changing the behaviors that you "don't tolerate". It looks like you are saying that you can't tolerate them, more than that you don't. I don't mean that disrespectfully, I just think that as parents we sometimes don't see that we don't really have a plan for changing our child's behavior or we are not sticking to it if we do. So the result it that we actually DO tolerate the behavior. You probably already knew (or have learned) that yelling doesn't change anything. I assume you are yelling because you can't help it, not to try to change her behavior. That's okay, as long as you don't think it's going to help. I say it's okay because it kind of has to be, doesn't it? After all, we are going to yell sometimes. Anyway, create a plan that does these things:

Narrows the focus to one or two behaviors to focus on. It may be as broad as obeying all direct instructions ("If mommy tells you to do something, you HAVE to do it") or as narrow as not saying a certain word.

Matches an unpleasant consequence to the behavior. This must be something that she really dislikes enough to avoid. I have never seen time-outs work at this age (although I do use them to halt a situation and give myself time to think). The vinegar idea sounds like it may work. She may lose a privilege (though my 3-yr-olds don't really have many of those in the first place and it has to be something that she is already accustomed to having, not some new promise that is then taken away). In our house, we do use spanking for this, but it is a very deliberate part of the overall plan and only implemented where it belongs in the plan. It is kept to a couple of short swats, often over a diaper, very light on the touch and heavy on the talk. The point is that they do not want to repeat that experience.

Assigns the consequence EVERY time that the behavior in focus happens. The fewer times you let it slide the sooner you will be done with this behavior. This is part of the reason that this is the toughest time to parent. Sometimes you just have to be "doing the baby" and can't get away to catch the behavior. But keep with it.

This long explanation may make it look like this training is the most important thing on your plate right now. It really isn't. It's just one more thing to help you feel better. Having a plan that you are putting in action keeps you from feeling that "cornered" type of frustration and may cut down on the yelling. If you find that you could actually tolerate her behavior, knowing that you will work on it soon (in a few weeks when things are going more smoothly with the baby), then do that. Whatever brings more peace to today.

Hi C.,
I am a mom of 4 ages (3,5,7,9. My advice is to send her to time out or ignore it. She is going throught the adjustment of having the new baby just like you and it takes time. I would try to choose your battles wise with her and not put yourself through it. Also, talk with your dr about post partum. I feel going from one baby to two is the very hardest. It was for me. Everyone is going to need lots more tiime and believe me your hormones are in high gear!! Take care of yourself and try to cut the slack just a bit with her, she will come around!! Also, when you see her being helpful praise her and tell her how proud of her you are for being so helpful. Let her be a "helper" with the baby so she feels impprtant. The baby won't break trust me!!

GOOD luck
L.

Pert of her behavior, I would chalk up to being normal for her age. My daughter is very sweet at 3.5, but she also has days where it seems all she does is defy and challenge me. She got a new baby sister at age 2.5, and she acted out by hitting, pinching, defying me. I counted myself very lucky that she never took any of it out on the baby. It took well over a month for her to work through all of it. I know that she was mad at me because I left her for 3 days (labor came and went) and because I wasn't able to give her all of my undivided attention any more. One of the things that helped was that my step-mom came to stay with us for a week, and she was able to give my daughter lots of one-on-one time. She was also able to hold the baby so that I could give my daughter undivided attention too. I tried to involve her in helping with the baby as much as possible, let her hold the baby (with help of course) and praised her whenever she was kind, and helpful.

You have already received much sage advice. I empathize with you so much that the responses have been therapeutic for me, too. My daughter is almost 3.5 and my son just turned 1. She hit a 2 month regression period about 2 weeks after he was born, and then it leveled off. However, the day she turned 3 she must have attended a secret meeting of the evil society of 3-year-olds because there was a DRAMATIC turning point in her behavior. The hardest behavior for me is her throwing toys/books all over the room while she cackles her evil cackle, and then refuses to clean it up. I feel the guilt for yelling all the time, too, and for everytime I open my mouth and say things like "not right now because Max..(fill in the blank)". But one important thing I've learned is that if you keep the mood as light as possible (I know sometimes you just don't have it in you to playfully distract or redirect), the less she has to rebel against, and, feeling you are on her side, will be more compliant. I use humor when she completely ignores us by throwing out words that I know will get her attention: "Lollipop! Ice cream! Blueberries...(you get the idea)." She laughs and responds then, showing us that she is really not COMPLETELY tuning us out. Paying attention to patterns has helped - my daughter hits her worst from dinner time on, especially when she hasn't even settled down for nap time let alone slept. Knowing what we can expect, we are working on heading her off at the pass. I also agree that giving words to her feelings and a voice for her actions is invaluable. This, too, shall pass.

My daughter is 3.5 and my son is 3 months- sounds like our house. My daughter is sassy, cranky, overly-dramatic crying, stomping, slamming. Loves her brother but takes out her frustrations on mom and dad. Her favorite word is "no" and it's all driving me crazy, I can't stand this bad attitude. We have tried "time-outs" on the kitchen chair, she gets sent to her room if she is too loud (crying), she has had vinegar put on her tongue if she talks back and that seems to work the best. Now all I have to do is threaten with the vinegar and she shapes up for a bit. Also, we're trying the "reward jar". If she does something good, she gets to put a marble in a jar, when she does something bad, she has to take a marble out. When the jar is full she gets a reward. I also hate my behavior towards her at times because I feel like all I'm doing is yelling at her and punishing her. But I am also trying to be overly loving towards her when I can. Also, it's good to spend quality time with just her or do special things with her.

I sympathize with your situation. Having a tiny baby is tiring enough, but it sounds like you have your hands and heart full with Cloe as well.

When I read your post, I thought of a book that has been sooo valuable to me as I have raised my two girls (now 6 and 8). It is called Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish. They are also co-authors of the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk (which I also recommend).

What is so great about the book is that it provides real examples of practical ways to interact with your children, and ways to help them engage in correcting their own behavior. Cloe is pretty little yet, but the concepts the book explores are valuable for any age. I bought it while I was pregnant with my second child and it has been miraculous at helping us navigate behavior issues that are bound to occur for any child and family.

I especially sympathize with your frustration about yelling. It is hard enough to be sleep-deprived, much less have a new behavior to address. One suggestion from the book that I have found most helpful is to "put the child's experience into words". For us, that meant saying to Mara (the oldest) things like "It is hard to share mommy's lap" or "You don't like it when mommy can't read to you whenever you want." Just putting into words the feelings that you are seeing might be a way for Cloe to feel that you are paying attention to her too.

Good luck.

Being a mommy is tough isn't it? Sounds like you have already had some great advice. Here's my 2cents worth. My dtr was 4 when I had my son. Things went pretty well but, I remember the guilt feeling when she always questioned "Do you love him more than me?" and that was even if she saw us smile at him. I felt horrible that she thought that. But, I noticed it more around "milestone" stages for my son i.e. rolling over, crawling, walking, etc. So, be aware this happens but it is normal. She now knows that God gave parents something special - UNCONDITIONAL LOVE to give to all our children we have and we don't love any one more than the other. I focused a lot on "that is not good behavior" - but, she would always back it up saying, "Do you not love me anymore." It is important for kids to know we can DISLIKE or be MAD at the naughty behavior but, that will never take our love away from them. Also, remember that kids will use your guilt against you - I witnessed my friend's dtr doing this to her. I could see her oldest having fits just so that her Mommy would run to her rescue. I remember buying a lot of books that went over feelings, siblings, ways to calm self. This can help kids know "how to" express or communicate their feelings appropriately too. My dtr is sassy at times - but, I do remember it being horrible around the 3 1/2 to 4 yr old development period (she's 5 1/2 now). Some of what you shared is totally normal - the other part is sibling rivalry. The other thing that helped us is I had a chart for her - due to tantrums, inappropriate behavior, moodiness. I would decide whether or not she could earn up to 3 stars for the day. Of course stars were given out for good behavior, good mood, being nice to baby, helping, etc. Stars could be taken away too for being naughty, talking back, not calming self down appropriately. Next to our chart - we made a picture board on ways to CALM DOWN. I made sure these were all things that she could do independently b/c she focused too much on needing me there during her fits. It was fun to make this board together b/c it was personalized and helped her remember too. Some things that were specific ways for her were reading, taking a nap, listening to music, deep breathing, counting to 10, etc. At first, I had to give her reminders to look at her CALM DOWN list to remember what positive choices she could make. If I gave her 3 cues or more (each meltdown) - she wouldn't get a "star" for the day. Oh I forgot to mention what the stars perks were - when she got up to 15 stars she could either earn a prize or $$ for a special prize. It seems like parenting is a lot of threats, yelling, frustration, but, it can also be the most wonderful experience in the world. Just take it in stride and think about making your own CALM down chart if need be. Maybe you're husband can give you some "perks" for the stars you earn. Ha!

Hi C.,
I think she is vying desperately for your attention and that she feels that the baby has taken over her position in the family. A lot of patience and guidance is required . Shouting will not help. Try to talk to her in firm voice and model the behaviour you expect from her to her sister and towards you. That is the best way (IMO) that they learn at that age. The reason why she is acting up as she doesn't know alternative ways to express herself and is not doing it in the "correct "way.

Congratulations on your new little one. I also have a 3.5 year old and a 9 week old. My first born has been doing exactly what you're describing - except for us I had the sassiness start during my last trimester. So I think it's definitely at least partly due to developmental stages, and probably compounded by the new baby. A whole lot of people have told me 3 is the new 2, and I have to say, I have found this year with my son to be kind of brutal. I can totally sympathize with feeling regret at the end of the day, and feeling like there wasn't any good time spent with my son at all. I do special activities alone with him as much as I am able, and I have to grit my teeth to get through them, because even though I know he needs good time with Mom, he's still acting out the whole time. It's really hard. He's almost 4 now, and we are having more better days than we were a month ago, so I hope this period of disequilibrium is waning.

No advice, but hang in there! :)

Maybe if you involve her with taking care of the baby with you her behavior will improve. She's probably feeling left out and having a hard time with not getting much attention from you. It's great that her dad and grandparents are giving her lots of attention, but she needs you too!

Have her be "mom's helper". Let her get the diapers and wipes when you're going to change the baby. She could help with the baby's bath...let her wash the baby's feet, hand you a towel, pick out what the baby's going to wear. Any easy tasks so that she can feel involved.

Also, set aside a little time where it's just the two of you and someone else is taking care of the baby. Play a game, read some stories... give her your full attention.

I think if you do these things, your older daughter will be happier and her behavior will change.

I agree with making sure you spend plenty of time with her - maybe when your husband gets home from work you could take her outside and play on the swings, etc. with only her. While the baby is napping you could spend time coloring with her, etc. Make sure she realizes how special she is too. She's been with you by herself for 3 1/2 years and now everything is changing. It will pass, as having her be your helper will also help. Good luck!

First do a week of love flooding. This means that you start offering tons of extra love and hugs and kisses that are completely independent of her behavior. If she is ignoring you or stomping her feet or being sweet and helpful, it doesn't matter. Offer her hugs, hugs, and more hugs and tell her how much you love her. This will put you both in a better mood and help you remember what is REALLY important.

Then realize that her behavior is perfectly normal at this age and in this situation. That doesn't mean it will stay that way forever and it doesn't mean that you should do nothing either. Stop yelling and start identifying her emotions..."Looks like you are feeling mad, would you like to tell me about why now or after you have some time to calm down." Then really listen to her and mirror back what she says. She is at an age where she starts having a lot more complex emotions but does not understand why or how to cope with them. Yelling just makes her more emotional and does nothing to teach her the skills she needs. No point in feeling guilty about yelling, just make a point to limit it to really critical safety moments like "stop!" because she is going to hurt herself or the baby.

Believe, this method is more work up front but it pays off big time by the time they are 4.5-5, probably sooner for you since she is already a pretty "easy" kid. I have an extremely spirited kid who has always had a rough time in social and emotional situations and these 2 methods above have brought us such joy and rewards. Good luck! And good for you to ask for advice and recognize that you are in a vicious cycle of negativity right now.

Hi Cyrstal,

First of all- 3.5 yrs--AWFUL age! My daughter was 3 when I had my son, and the tantrums were unbearable. Thought it was just b/c she was jealous of the baby. But now my son is doing it, too. (and there is no baby) But the common factor, he's 3.5! One thing I try to do and it helps with the jealousy of having a sibling in general. My husband and I each try to do special things with each child. My daughter and I have "Mommy and Maddie Day" once a month where we will go shopping, or just take the day to run errands. She enjoys it b/c it's just us. And with my son, we go to the park, take a walk, go to the movies or something small like that. They both enjoy the time they have with each of us 1 on 1. They feel special and it puts us in a good mood, too! The yelling was my problem, too. And that in time, will start to dwindle. Just don't be so hard on yourself. If you are calmer she will be too.

Good luck!

~B.