My Relationship with My 9-Year Old Daughter Is Not Good...

Hi C.,

I think it is great that your daughter(at 9 yrs old)could find a way to communicate with you by writing you a letter. At least she is not holding her feelings in anymore. My dtr is almost 7 y.o and my boyfriend's dtr is 12 y.o. We have lived together for almost 2 yrs and I make sure I NEVER ask her to do ANYTHING for my dtr, because it is NOT her job. I don't want her to feel resentful towards me. When she offers to help I always let her. I think the older ones like to help out, but I don't think they should be burdened with the care of our children that we chose to have. It would be a good idea to write her a letter in response to hers and just address her feelings about this issue. Apologize for yelling at her and explain your feelings to her. No one likes to be yelled at, but it's hard when our children our driving us up the wall! Good luck!

Hi C.,

This sounds a lot like me when I was growing up. When I was 9, I had a 3-year-old brother and a 1-year-old sister (and I got another baby brother when I was 12). I remember often feeling like a live-in babysitter. But now my relationship with my mom is quite good. (Mostly because now that I'm grown I can understand her and appreciate her, whereas when I was a pre-teen and teenager I was mainly self-centered, and I guess that's all pretty natural.)

My best memories of my mom are times when she'd make popcorn and we'd watch a movie together when my younger siblings had gone to bed. There are ways that you can show your daughter special attention that aren't as time-consuming as a day out. Try teaching her to cook something special, bake dessert together, have a special hobbie/interest that you two can share (like Cary Grant movies, or knitting--you could even learn it together).

I think she wants to feel that she is still special to you and that she hasn't been replaced by the new babies. The younger ones of course will need lots of attention, but a little special time with your oldest daughter will pay off, I think. She'll feel closer to you again, should start acting out less, and feel happier to obey you when you make special requests.

And of course she needs to help you out some with the little ones, but maybe you can help her to see that your family is supposed to be a team. You help each other, and one day it will be her little sisters helping her with things, believe it or not.

I hope you find something to help. And hang in there--it might take a little while for her pattern to change.
Good luck,
N.

Hi C.,

I know how it can be when you ask an older sibling to help out with the younger ones. I think that maybe she might feel that if she gets you a diaper or a bottle, she may feel that 1. no one is doing anything for her and 2. what is she getting out of it? One tip that I can think of would be prior to asking her for a diaper, set a thank you note on top of the diapers for her, so when she goes to retrieve the diaper, she will have a personal note from you saying how much you appreciate her help. Mix it up, maybe the next time, leave her a small treat, etc. I think that maybe she needs to feel that she is appreciated. The more positive attention you give her, the less she may act up. Also, because the little ones are so small, she may feel that all your attention goes to them. So maybe it would be helpful if you also just spent some one on one time with her. Go get manicures together, take her to the park, go to a movie, etc.

I hope this helps and good luck.
S.

I am currently reading a book called the Five LOVE Languages of Teenagers there is also a book called the Five LOVE Languages of Children, and Five Signs of a Loving Family. I absolutly think that every parent how has a teen or will soon have a teen should read this book, there is so much insight and it really has helped me to clarify a lot of things and helped me to even see new things in my children. I did not have a GREAT relationship with my Mother growing up and it made me extra sensitive in the relationships with my children and sometimes to a fault, I would tend to look at normal child feelings as a huge negative with me and how I did things as a Mom. No child likes to be correctedespecially as they get older and NONE of us likes to do things even if they help others out unless it was our own idea. A lot of what I hear is normal, but I do recommend that you read the book and sit down with her and communicate openly with her about how she feels first and do not try to tell her that how she is feeling is not true let her know that you are sorry that she feels that way and ask her how she thinks the two of you can work together to change things and then share how you feel.Try to spend time with her on a one-on-one basis, maybe at night when the little ones go to bed and during the day when you are talking with her it is ok to have the little ones wait their turn (till you are done with their BIG sister).I think it is nice to have time when ALL the girls hang out and do something fun together so they each have a fun positive experience as a family, but it is also important for them each to have one-on-one time. I think it is very funny how all of us parents think that our children need us so much more when they are younger but not so much when they are older, but I believe that they need us the same or even more when they are older just in different ways.

she may be feeling like her little sisters are getting all the attention. let's face it, a 3 year old and a 20 mo. old require constant supervision where a 9 year old does not. Maybe you could try carving out 20 - 30 minutes sometime during the day or evening to play a game with her or find a book that you can read together. Just something so she has some mommy time without her sisters, maybe while they're napping?

Hi C.,

I am sorry to hear that you and your daughter are having relationship trouble. What about trying to focus on praising her on more things than yelling. If you minimize the yelling, she will soon see that you do appreciate her and you love her as she is. It sounds like she is feeling rejected and not good enough. Also, is it possible to spend some one on one time with her a few hours a week? Have your husband watch the other children and you two go do something special. It can be as simple as taking her to the park or going out for ice cream. Good luck to you and I hope this helps.

Molly

C.,

I have a 9 year old son and a daughter who is 22 months. With the time and energy it takes to keep up with an infant and/or toddler as parents we can run out of steam by the time we get to our older ones. There are times when I ask my son for help with getting things for my younger one. But, there are days when I make a real effort to do things myself without asking him. The interesting things is that on those days he's usually offering the help. I know its hard but you have to try to find a way of communicating with your 9 year old before you get to the yelling part. Also, 9 year olds seem to talk in absolutes of always and never. Take some time over the next few days and try to keep a log (if you can write it down if not just keep aware of it) of when you're losing patience and yelling. Then you will be able to gauge for yourself if you are doing it all the time or not. If so, it is not too late to correct your interactions with your daughter. Check out www.soulshoppe.com for tips and ideas on how to build stronger communication with your kids. Our school uses it and introduced some of the technics at a parent academy recently. There are a lot of helpful ideas that they use to get the kids to take responsibility for their actions and communicate their feelings. It works for the parents too. Good luck.

C.,
I never had a great relationship with my mom mainly because she favored my older brother, the only way I got any attention from her was if I was misbehaving, sounds like your older daughter wants some attention from you and she is going to get it one way or another. I don';t have any major issues with my kids (15,12, &7) but I try to keep everything as even as I can with chores and rules. My friend has three kids (12, 7 &4) and her oldest is doing some major acting out, mainly because she is the only one who has chores, and she is responsible for watching and taking care of the youngest, as well as the fact that she has to let them play with her stuff, but they don't have to share with her. Unfortunatly there mom doesn;t see this and is paying the price now with her oldest lieing to her, yelling screaming not doing what she is asked as well as now she is failing in school. I think you should make sure that you give your oldest the possitive attention she is craving and if you need her to do chores (which all my kids do) make sure they are age appriopraite and that she isn't doing things that are "parenting" your younger children, give her options on which chores she chooses. If she continues to feel that they only attention she can get from you is negative it is only going to get worse.Good luck
Amanda

I have a couple of responses.... first, if she does'nt want to help you with the little one, don't force her. A good suggestion that someone gave me was "don't make being a sister a chore". Good advice, if you want them to be friends allow your 9 year old to play, interact and do things for her sister on her own, try not to force it. If you do, she'll not only resent you but her sibling as well.
As far as the fact that she thinks your yelling at her all the time...... try making rules... and if she brakes the rules, don't allow yourself to become angry.... the punishment is not coming from you, it's coming from the rule itself.... i.e..... if you break this rule, this is the consequence..... not.... if you break a rule i'am going to be angry and mad and punish you
Last suggestion :)..... try sitting down with her and talking to her straight, such as, have i done something or am i doing something to make you angry or upset with me? is there things that i can do to make things better between us? Stick to "I" sentences and i promise she'll open up to you. But also remember to LISTEN to what she's saying and try incoporating her thoughts into changing
And hang in there... it takes time.... it is frustrating right now, but if you change a few simple things, it will change the way she looks at you
hope this helps
C.

It has NOTHING to do with what you can't buy her. Don't ever worry about that.

Just listen to what she has to say, and try to change your behavior. You could make this relationship different beginning tomorrow. If you change now, this is not a life sentence. Kids are pretty forgiving. First of all, apologize to her for yelling at her and tell her you're going to try really hard not to do it (although you will probably fail sometimes). I think it's fair to ask her to do things, but maybe you're asking too much? Anyway, try to be kinder about how you ask her and maybe you can reward her (payment, special treat) for all her help occasionally.

The main point is - you need to listen to her feelings and try to make the changes. I yelled WAY too much at my oldest son and I regret it. Yes, he didn't listen, etc. etc., but you realize in hindsight that they were a lot younger than they seemed at the time. Your daughter is only 9 - a 4th grader -- that's very young, she just seems old compared to the little ones. Ease up on her!!!!!!!!!!

C.,
First of all, stop yelling at her, to little kids it makes them scared. I made the mistake of doing this with my oldest, it did not turn out like either of us wanted. I would try giving her a reward when she does the things you ask of her, or a sticker chart and everytime she gets a set amount of stickers, she gets a reward. Then she can feel acomplished, and you can see if you really are expecting a lot of her. Just some food for thought.
W.

Dear C. d,
I grew up with 9 brothers and sisters. Takee a day with her. Instead of shopping take her to a park and go for a suprise picnic. With my kids. I do the same thing. I ask my daughter to get a diaper for my son. I do reward her for helping though. I take her to the park. I let her go to grandmas. I suprise her with an adventure. In parenting stop asking so much of her. Remember she is a child needing your attention. She is asking you for help. I don't think it's her wanting you to buy stuff for her. I think she's telling you she wants to be a kid. Remember she is not the mom you are. If she volunteers to help that is one thing. Don't make her do your job. Reward her for helping out. Such as chorse. Give her an allowence. Make a chart and everytime she finishes her jobs then reward her. Good luck. M. p

What a blessing that your daughter is willing to communicate with you. I have a 9 year old girl too, and they are quite expressive. Try this method called VIDEO MOMENTS (taken from the Nurtured Child Approach)

Pretend that you are a camera and capturing a photo of what she is doing. The smaller the event, the better the moment. Remember taking baby photos of her just drooling or sucking her thumb? Now she is 9 years old, and we can use a "verbal" camera. Simply say "I notice that you are..." something. Coloring. Doing your homework. watching your favorite show. Reading a book. Etc. Do NOT judge the event by saying "Good job." Just observe what she is doing and validate her. It works wonders. You may only notice her when she can help you or when she is misbehaving. Try to notice her when she just "IS."

Hi C.,
I feel for you. I am just getting into this with my daughter, who is a bit younger than yours. She's starting to get major attitude when asked to do anything - she says her friends don't have to do chores and she doesn't see why she should have to either! You can imagine my shock at that. I explained to her that every person in our household has certain jobs to do. Daddy and I go to work and work hard, she and her sister have to go to school and work hard, but THEN we all come home and we have a new set of jobs to do before bedtime. I asked her if it sounded fair that one person would get to sit around doing nothing while everyone else did their part to keep our household running.

When I put it to her that way, she understood. So then I said, ok, here are your choices of chores that I need help with. If you don't want to help your sister wash her hair while she's in the bath, that's fine, but you need to pick up some other chore. Finally she chose cleaning the kitty litter box, watering the plants indoors and out, and sorting the laundry into lights and darks. And I took over the chore she was rebelling against, which was helping her little sister wash her hair. Even my youngest, who is not quite 3, has chores as well. She helps sort clean laundry into piles by person, and then helps fold the socks. Also she is learning to set the table, as well as pick up her toys and put them away. So my oldest can see that she is not the only one being asked to help.

But I think the real problem is that she continues to go to school with children whose parents do EVERYTHING for them, and buy everything for them. I don't think that's good for children. What a rude shock it will be when they move out of the house one day, only to discover that the laundry and dishes don't do themselves!

So, I guess my advice is, listen to her concerns, try to compromise if you can, but ultimately you have to be her parent, not her friend. One day she will appreciate these life skills you are teaching her about responsibility and team work and doing the right thing.