3Rd child...all up to Me???

I have always heard you will NEVER regret having another child. You will only regret NOT having had another child. I have three. Two boys ( 3 1/2 and 6) and a girl (15 months). The boys LOVE their sister so much and vise versa.

I, too, know a lot of people who have regretted having more children! People who don't think anyone ever regrets a child are mistaken. In fact, there was an entire, open conversation about it among some of my parents' friends who had 3,4 and 5 -about how they loved all of their kids of course, but if they had really been thinking, they never would have had over two and financially many of them really regretted it. Some people love large families and love having lots of kids. I have no desire to have more than two -more travel opportunities, we all "fit" more easily into situations, being pregnant is a condition I despise, etc. I know I would regret how "spread thin" I would be if I had a third. Do what you want, but please be a thinking member of our society and DO take finances, time and attention to your kids, nearness of family and help and future plans into account. What do you want to provide for your kids? Will you be able to do that for 3 as easily as 2? I'm so tired of people who urge everyone to just breed and breed and not to really think about finances and opportunities. You ARE thinking about it -so good for you. Keep thinking of it and don't get carried away with the "romance" or Hollywood idea of having babies. And just understand -almost EVERYONE, including me who has two and is nearing 40 or in their early 40s have those "what if" moments and wonder if we should do it again. There's a biological reason for that because we're getting near the end of our procreation years, but in 2010 it doesn't mean we have to do it.

Contrary to common advice, I know several women (and some men) in their 20's through 70's who have deeply regretted having one or more of their children. They loved them, of course, but longingly envisioned a life that would have been less difficult or even more satisfying without at least one of their children.

In addition to your many good reasons for not going for a third, here's another important one: the human population is rising steeply (if you see this on a graph, it's shocking), and the impact of all of us people on this beautiful planet is increasing in measurable ways. For the first time in human history, science is warning us that continuing to increase population pressures is putting the futures of our children at risk, through pollution, resource shortages, climate change, and even social stresses. It doesn't take too much investigation to discover for ourselves that these concerns are worth taking seriously.

So, we might consider asking ourselves what's more important. More children, or chance for our existing children, and their children, to have better lives?

By the way, I stopped with one child, and my daughter has decided to stop with one. I never regretted that choice, and so far, my daughter and her husband have been extremely happy with their decision, in spite of the inevitable "baby hungries," as she calls them. Those feelings are programmed into us by nature. But we also have brains that allow us to override natural impulses – otherwise there'd be no such thing as civilized society.

I often wonder how life would have been if my younger sister hadn't been born. There would have been a whole lot less hair pulling - that's for sure! There's no guarantee the kids you have will get along, and when they don't - the bickering seems like it will go on forever (or at least until they grow up and move out).

I have 3. They are 5, almost 4 and almost 2. I love them all, and am thrilled I had three... the crazy part of my brain even toys with adding a 4th :) Having 3 babies in 4 years was kind of hard on me physically but for me it was totally worth it!

Having 3 is for sure harder than having two. Days when I just have two I feel like I'm sailing by because it's so much easier. With three I am totally out numbered, there is more fighting, more noise, and more stuff to have/need/want. Getting everyone in the car in the winter when I had them the first year (age almost 4, 2 and infant) took me 45 minutes. There were ALWAYS tears (the infant hated the car seat) and it was challenging... but now it's getting easier.

My first two are boys, and my third is a girl. The boys play great together, and I love to watch them grow up together. My little girl is sometimes left out of the action (in part because of her age) and often gets pushed, knocked down, or excluded by her bigger brothers. I was an only girl with two brothers and I often longed for a sister. Sometimes I worry that my third will be missing out by not having a sister or built in playmate of her own. That's what makes me think about adding a 4th... as nutty as that would be.

My oldest boy is FANTASTIC with his little brother and little sister... the middle boy is the "trouble maker" but it should be easier with the oldest starts K and the middle one goes to preschool a few mornings a week this year.

I don't have much help from family, but my husband is great when he is home. He travels for work about 35% of the time... I can't imagine how exhausted I would have been had he been gone with I had all three home full time and my daughter was an infant.... None of my kids were sleepers so it's only in the last 4 months that I've had regular full nights of sleep!!!

It's a huge decision... I'm SO GLAD I have a daughter, a third child, and do seriously still think about the 4th... not sure if we'll ever get there (I'm 38). I say keep making mental lists of pro's and cons. Doing it with your husband gone would surely be a challenge. You would need some help the first few weeks or month for certain. That said, by the time you have the third, the whole baby thing is old hat and you are a pro.

Good luck!
Jessica

I have 2 and would love a 3rd. I hoped to have it before my 30th birthday.. but seeing how that is sneaking up on me, it isn't going to happen.

The way I see it, is that there is never a right time to have a child! But to me, when I start to feel that gut feeling and get butterflies in my stomach when I think about it, I know it's going to happen soon. Then we pray together about when we think we should try.

We don't have family around us either but you can always join support groups for military wives, maybe a local moms group or church group.

The baby would be a few months old or so when he returns, so that's good. I'm sue maybe a family member can come down to help for several weeks or so in the beginning.

Also, maybe try some new techniques on your 2 year old for sleeping at night, or even napping during the day. You can probably even do a mother's day out a few days a week with him for a few hours so you can go to Dr. appointments, clean, take a nap yourself.

Good luck, if it feels right, you can make it work.

(ps, I'm a middle child, and I love it)

maybe you should wait I was 38 with my last and my husband is 40. He is only 4 months old and our middle is 2 and a half. It is a feat and we help each other a lot . It might rob your 9 month old of his baby years. Being older wouldn't be so bad. You could wait till he returns.

Personally, I know that "what if" feelings is really hard to turn off!

Also... I only have two children, but my son was 16 months old (and my husband halfway through a deployment) when our daughter was born. For me, for whatever reason, it was actually less stressful (in regard to children) than when our first was born. I think it might have been because everyone told me it was going to be a nightmare and I convinced myself it would be really hard - but is was actually really easy. The hardest thing was not having my husband here during the birth.

Anyway, it doesn't give you much of an answer, but I have been in a similar situation. It wasn't always fun or easy, but it worked out really well for our family. Best of luck with whatever decision you make!

I second Michelle's advice. You will never regret a child, ever. The only thing you can regret is missed opportunities.

Can you get some help? Do you have any family near by? How about a close friend or a military spouse support group? Do you maybe have a sister-in-law nearby or even a *gulp* mother-in-law?

Maybe you could talk to your hubby and tell him that you want another one, but with him being gone it's just going to be too tough. Try to change his mind about the now-or-never thing. One year isn't going to make that big a difference as far as your ages are concerned but it'll make a huge difference as far as your work load is concerned as it gives your son a chance to become more self-sufficient. You could try telling him that you don't want to do it until he can be there for the birth and the first few weeks because you're going to need so much help, so you want to do it, but after he gets back. Ask him if he'd really want to miss the birth and introducing baby to big sister and brother and all of that.

I truly think your best bet lies with convincing him to do it after he gets back, but failing that I say go for it and get support from wherever you can.

I have 3. My third was a total oops, we thought we were totally done with 2. My second and third are less than 2 yrs apart...I had an infant, a 21month old and a 5yr old son (who is on the Autism Spectrum) and a husband who puts in long hours at work, so I've had my fair share of crazy, sleepless nights and "how am I ever going to get through this day" moments. Now, they're almost 13, 9 and almost 8 and I couldn't even imagine our family any other way. It was actually harder going from one child to two than from two to three, especially since they're so close in age. The youngest was always trying to live up to her older sister, so she potty trained younger, learned her letters and numbers earlier, started kindergarten a year early and generally acts older. She and her sister are best friends, and though they fight as all sisters do, I never have to worry about them getting bored because it's like a constant playdate. I LOVE that they're so close in age. I thought I was done with my boy and my girl and actually cried when I found out I was pregnant for a third time because I DIDN'T WANT ANOTHER KID! I was an idiot. Our family is perfect now and whatever you decide, YOUR family will be perfect for you.

One of my biggest regrets in life is not having a 3rd a year or two after my 2nd. I had multiple reasons which seemed "right" at the time.

I found out at 37 (when I finally was "ready") that my ovaries were basically not working anymore and that it would be very tough to get pregnant naturally.

What I realize now is that obstacles are temporary, but family is forever. When they are very small the days pass slowly, but the years pass quickly. Don't waste a second.

God bless you and your family whatever you decide.

This is an interesting conversation and I have enjoyed reading the responses so far. My husband and I have two girls - a 27 month old and a almost 3 month old. We always planned on having 3 but it has been a bit rough with the new baby and I hate being pregnant - even more so when I was missing out on doing things with my first daughter. So now we are not sure whether or not we really do want three. BUT we are arranging our lives so three can be a possibility with a big enough house, shopping for mini vans that will hold three car seats plus three adults (mom, me and DH), and really sorting our finances so we can afford for all the kids to go to pre-school and college! All this, plus the struggles with pregnancy and a new baby, made us realize that we want to wait till the baby is around 3 years old before we have another so that our oldest will be in Kindergarten. I am 34 and would be 37 when we plan to have baby # 3. Sometimes I think how that means that I would be close to 60 before DH and I have the house to ourselves again. Anyway, if you don't feel ready yet then don't push it and don't worry about it being a now or never situation. Your husband may change his mind when he returns and you most likely still have plenty of years left to have a child and it sounds like now is not really the ideal time.

Well...sounds like you would want a third child but the timing isn't right. I can say that my daughter was born when I was 39 without complications -- she's perfect. And you only have a few months to get pregnant before he is deployed which may or may not happen... If it was me, I would try to get pregnant when he gets back -- why won't he entertain the idea when he returns? If it's the fear of Down's, I don't think another year will make much difference.

Updated

Well...sounds like you would want a third child but the timing isn't right. I can say that my daughter was born when I was 39 without complications -- she's perfect. And you only have a few months to get pregnant before he is deployed which may or may not happen... If it was me, I would try to get pregnant when he gets back -- why won't he entertain the idea when he returns? If it's the fear of Down's, I don't think another year will make much difference.

I can only say that the early years fly by so fast. Most of your concerns won't even be remembered in a few years. Your age is a very REAL concern and I have to agree with your husband. It should be now or never for the sake of having a healthy baby. Sure lots of people do have babies in their 40's. But many of them end up with down syndrome. Not to knock that. I know that every child is prescious even with down syndrome...maybe even BECAUSE of it.

I'm 43 now and if my husband would agree I'd jump at the chance to do it again. Our daughters are 10, 20, 23, and almost 26. Heck, I'm a grandmother LOL!

If I had a vote, I'd say go for it :)

Well, here is my opinion as a mother of three sons. As a student of psychology, I also know that the ideal parenting time is between 30 and 35. So, time is ticking for you if you do want another little person in your lives. I thought that I was done at two for 5 years. I had gotten rid of the maternity clothes, but not the baby clothes for some reason. Your husband it seems would like to add another to the brood, but it sounds like he realizes the majority of the care would fall to you, so is leaving it up to you. Adding another child to the family is always scary and exciting. I don't think it's the number that's important, but the love you have for that child that is. Remember the days when families had five to eight children as a norm. The lion's share of the burden will fall to you, so you have to decide if you are ready, capable and willing to add another to the family. It would be a challenge to care for them all while he's away, that's for sure, but doable. My ex. was very hands off, and I did it all myself. You'd have to be sure to get the other two involved so that they would feel invested in the new baby. My older two upon hearing that I would like a girl, would come talk to my belly, and say, "be a boy" it was so cute. As long as there is enough love to go around, they will all be o.k. We were told that it was best to space them 3 to 5 years apart, so that they wouldn't be jealous of each other, and would get along better. Having been only 18 months older than my brother, and having cousins close together, and friends with some close together, I honestly don't think it made a bit of difference! There were the same sibling issues. Middle child syndrome can be averted by making sure that all of them get equal attention, no matter how capable or difficult the middle child is. If you just make sure not to try and make your baby grow up too fast, so that you don't have 2 babies, because, that's what you'll have, two babies, they can both have fulfilling babyhood. It really is up to you, though. I wouldn't trade my 3 sons for anything! My mom had a cow when I told her I was pregnant again at age 33!
Ange

I want to start off saying will never regret having a baby. God just didn't make us that way. I am not one of those moms who instantly falls in love the minute they hold their newborn either. I really hate being pregnant and never feel like I have bonded with my children for at least a year. But I have 3 of them and I couldn't imagine my life without them. I do feel though somewhere down the line, maybe after menopause, you regret NOT having one.

That said, I was in your shoes a few years back, sort of. My dh always wanted 4; I never really wanted any but I was open to it so I just starting having them. Three years after the second one was born, my dh deployed. At that point I had a 5 year old, too. We don't use artificial birth control for a myriad of reasons but I was/do employ NFP. Well, during the months before he was to leave I didn't feel like that was really an option so I threw caution to the wind and prayed I wouldn't get pregnant because I knew I couldn't handle 3 and I just couldn't be so sick. I didn't get pregnant...not even when he came home on leave...Thank You, God!!!!! But 10 months after he came home for good, we had #3. I was almost 36 and my husband was 40. Nothing really mattered after he returned home. We were so happy to be together, we didn't care about our ages or timing, etc.

The difference, I guess, is that we knew we would have more. We didn't really discuss that part, it was just in the timing. Now my husband would like to have another, I will be 40 in a few months and he will be 44 soon. I know we need to hurry up but even now he is gone and here I am with an 11 yo, 9 yo and 3 yo - exhausted, frazzled, crazy and loved.

Again you will never regret having a baby, you may regret NOT having one. But I think I would wait until he gets back home. Pregnancy is hard, especially if you get sick, you will be stressed enough (has he deployed before?), but in no way is 2 better than 3 or are you stealing from one child or another. What you are doing is giving your children siblings to help each other out as they grow, instant playmates, other family to love, etc. etc. I am fortunate to have 5 older sisters and we are all super close. We have had our fights and things (I mean, we are 6 women!) but they are my best friends. I thank my mom everyday that she was so open to that wonderful gift.

Good luck with whatever you decide. And thanks to you and your family for your service!

Saw your question and thought I'd write.
Well let me start off by saying I was in your shoes last week and still am (somewhat) lol .... I noticed that we have a few things in common other then the age ... I'm 20 yrs old and I have 2 beautiful children. My daughter is 3 and I have a 18 month old son. My husband is also in the military.
I TOTALLY get where you are coming from I love my children to death but go nuts alllll day! I'm also a full time mommy. Lately I had been wonder about having a 3rd baby but was scared and thinking if I would be able to handle another child or if I would lose my mind completely.
2 children do seem perfect 4 is just an even number. Most things are cut out for a family of 4. I don't know why but it is. On the other hand I think a family of 5 is the perfect family .... 3 kids seems like a good number as long as you can financially afford it. In your hands you say you can but the main concern is age .... In my opinion if you truly and honestly want a 3rd I would say go for it. Your not getting any younger .... and you might as well save all the baby stuff so you don't have to buy everything all over again. Your in baby mode so just keep your foot on the gas lol .... I think its better to get it over with then to prolong it.
Well Good luck with your decision.

Just putting in my .02 cents here.

I have three, 5yrs 3yrs and 4 months old. an although I cannot say I regret having a third because no way do I; I can say that this has been a rough, rough ride. I had huge issues during pregnancy that made things hard and then ended up hospitilized many times after delivery to do issues i was a healthy person before the pregnancy and now finally 4 month after I am healthy again. I had to previous healthy pregnancies. If it wasn't for the help of family driving 3.5 hours to help us out and great friends in a moms group I am a part of myself and my family would have never made it through. Now that i am healthy again having three has been great, struggle at times and well I can see even more of a struggle when our youngest starts taking toys also..lol but worth every moment. With every new thing we learn to handle it. It's not an easy decision best of luck with your decision