4 Year Old Behaviour

It sounds as if the preschool teacher is not doing anything to help the situation other than send notes home to you. Why does she not stop it when it is happening, explain to him that you do not shove or hit others, make him apologize and then redirect him? It doesn't sound like anything a preschool teacher has not encountered before.

Secondly, instead of making general statements like 'hands are for helping' and 'be gentle' why not flat out say 'We do not hit or shove.' Also have a consequence for when you get these notes home from the teacher. At 4 1/2 he is old enough to lose privileges at home if the behavior continues.

Does the school have a daily conduct sheet? Like green, yellow, red? Our son is four and we use that determine how the day at home will be. If he gets green, he has some privileges (tv time, game time, outside time, etc). If he gets yellow, his favorite of those things is taken away, if he gets red, he does NOTHING - eats dinner, goes to bed. At four, they are old enough to understand consequences as long as they are consistent. When our son gets green all week, we try to do something he really enjoys on the weekend. If he gets more than a few weeks of green in a row, we try to hit a movie or something to reward and encourage the behavior. I think you could try explaining to your son that we don't hit our friends, or other people for any reason. If he gets hit by someone, he should tell the teacher. But if you get a note that he hit someone then... and explain what his consequences are. As soon as he gets a note, ask him what you told him about hitting people and what the consequence would be. He'll remember. Make sure you do exactly what you said you would! good luck!

Hi, L.:

Listening to your child starts at home. Telling your child how to behave does not work these days.

There is a book: "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk," by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

To me, the main thing about this is he acts out when frustrated/kids don't listen to him.
THUS, he needs help in learning "how" to cope... coping skills, and HOW to navigate himself socially.
Sure, there can be scolding/punishment/timeouts etc., but a child will keep doing it if they do NOT know how to "cope" with their frustrations.

A lot of it can be role-playing, INSTEAD OF verbal instruction or lecturing. Act out WITH him, what he can do instead of hitting... instead of getting mad... instead of getting 'mad' when other kids do not listen to him. ie: he can LEARN to ASK FOR HELP... or to tell the Teacher/you if he is having a hard time with something... teach him the words to use to "ask" for help etc. Kids need to be told, literally, what to say verbatim often times. And, SHOW him what he can do... often times, our words/lectures to kids just falls on deaf ears. Thus, show him actual things that he can do instead.
Thereby arming him with coping skills to deal with it more appropriately.

Also, how is his overall self-esteem? His sense of "who" he is? Can he for example, just go and play with someone else if a child is not to his liking or does not like him? Does he KNOW that he can even do that? ... to choose another activity or play-mate?
How about playing games with him yourself... or board games... to teach him "rules" of fairness and teamwork?

The other kids probably do not listen to him, because they know he hits and does not play nicely. So, it makes him more frustrated.

All the best,
Susan

I agree with Mommy B. It may be time for some kind of chart. I want to do one for Andrew (my four year old), but I never get the time! However, its important that it be a reward chart and not a punishment, at least to start. We plan to start with things like hitting, whining, playing well with his sister... when he gets a check mark, smiley face, etc for that day, then he gets a reward. Just make sure its manageable. Andrew's preschool teacher is the one who told us about it and she said some parents set their standards too high, like for each good day a trip to Chuck E Cheese, and then they can't follow through. We did something really simple for a while with the kids with immediate reward (since I haven't had time to make the chart). They were both having trouble peeing themselves and with whining and making getting ready in the morning really difficult. The deal was, if they didn't pee themselves they got one cracker on the way to school. If they didn't whine in the morning they got another two crackers. Basically, if they were having a good day, they got three crackers on the way to school. I know maybe it sounds strange, but they love crackers, and it was also a good reward for them because they go to school at 630 and don't get breakfast until 8am... it worked really well! I phased out the crackers and they are still doing really well with both. Instant, or as close to instant, rewards are often the easiest to work with. I hope this helps!

Do you see any behavior problems at home, too? Does he have any other issues at school, such as lack of focus? I ask because our son has ADHD and one of the big issues when he was younger was impulse control -- pushing and hitting.

One strategy you might try is a marble jar. Get a small jar and when you child has a good day at school, you put in a handful of marbles. When the jar fills, he gets a reward. You can also give rewards at smaller stages to keep him motivated. Bad day at school, he loses marbles. This technique has worked well with our son and it really motivated him.

Good luck!

Heres what you do...have the school call you the next time that he hits another child. When this happens you go to the school and you take him home. Do NOTNOTNOT waiver on this once you get there. You take him home. Once he realizes that the consequence of his hitting is that he can't play with the other kids he will stop. I promise.

Now a days I seriously think there is WAY too much psychological mumbo jumbo being used on kids. Plain and simple he is hitting the other kids. He is doing it on purpose and he KNOWS it is wrong. Reasoning with him, role playing, delving into his self-esteem "issues", is not going to do the trick. Hello-He's FOUR! Sorry to rant but I have just seen way too many parents making excuses for their child's bad behaviour. Please take my advice because my son is 5 and he is not allowed, nor does he want to, play with the kids that hit. That goes for most of the class. And from experience with my older son this stigma stays with you past when the behaviour stops.

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