Four Year Old Son Hitting at Preschool

At this age, hitting is often the result of frustration, not pent-up anger. That can be caused by excess imput too difficult to process for whatever reason or any oneof another reasons for feeling overwhelmed.

I am a little puzzled as to why you hesitate to ask a professional for an assessment. That doesn't mean you have "given up" as a mother, just that you are interested in hearing from an impartial outside observer who might be able to give you some insight you don't have now. Give it some more thought. As parents, we can use all the help we can get.

4 years old is a hard age, developmentally.

It may just be, that in a classroom, there are SO many other kids... and it may be over-stimulation or more 'competition' for things... and socialization. Many things, can tweak a child and make them act out... because they don't know how to cope... with other social nuances.... thus they hit. They are frustrated....
IN addition to rewards or consequences, you ALSO have to teach a child, other ways of coping/acting. If not, a child will NOT learn, other 'behavior' for frustrations. So, instead of just scolding for the hitting... the child has to learn other ways of behaving.... giving them SKILLS.
Because, without learning alternate skills for a frustration... a child will still not know how to 'cope' with a frustration. And also give him words, for how he can say/communicate... a frustration.
A young child has to be 'taught'... in addition to consequences.

Sure a child can learn what is good/bad behavior. BUT, that does not mean they 'automatically' know alternate ways of reacting... to things that frustrate them. Thus, the problem can continue. So you have to teach him... OTHER ways of expressing.... good or frustrating feelings. He can say it, tell someone, go away from the person that is irking him, he can say that he wants a turn, he can tell the other kids to share, he can tell the Teacher if something 'wrong' is happening... he can go and find other friends... he can go and do something else, he can say he is frustrated too. He can be taught, WHO to go to for 'help' or anything that bothers him etc.
A child does NOT necessarily "know" other options... that they can do, unless you teach them and talk to them about it. Thereby, giving them 'problem solving' skills....

all the best,
Susan

OMG she wants you to take him to a child psych for anger issues, hello kids hit. He has no siblings and I am guessing this is his 1st school experience. This woman isn't a child psych so I would be cautious before following her advice. I'm sorry but I am not a fan of preschool/daycare. Is he getting hit, toys snatched? These kids are being raised in a heard it's hard for them to get 1 on 1 attention and if he learns to hit to get it heck I would too if I was in that kind of setting. Good luck to you. I think you get advice from other moms, you will get better advice and feel better about it.

We have close friends with children the same age; the youngest being my son's age of 3 &1/2. This past year, their son has had issues hitting hard without provocation or as an alternative to using his words. He has been removed from several child programs due to the continuous hitting.
Since we are close friends and get together often, our son is usually on the receiving end of the hitting and punching whenever we get together -- sometimes the boys are 1 on 1; other times a gathering of several families, when other children have received hits, too. I have seen the child hit my son hard numerous times during the gathering and many times with intent and without provocation, despite being a sweet child who enjoys playing with my son. I agree, it appears to be frustration or an inability to express what negative feelings he may have at that moment - that may or may not have anything to do with the child who receives the hit - and a lack of control of the impulse to hit first. It is one of the reasons I have been more tolerant with the hurt inflicted on my son. When he does hit, It is completely recognizable that it is different from rough-house play boys may engage in. It could easily be attributed to a developmental delay in maturity of emotions, but in the meantime, it makes interactions with this child upsetting and stressful for both families. We finally had to draw a boundary with them that we could not allow our child to continue to get hurt over and over and together we had to find a solution how we could still spend time together, but make it enjoyable for everyone, including our son, while they worked on helping their son.
To overlook it, even at this young age, is not acceptable. No one likes their child to be hurt, especially when you are trying to teach your own children not to choose to physically hurt someone when they are angry, frustrated, upset, or may even have a reason too....if you accept it at 4, then when is the magical age you say,"Hey, you have to stop that now when so-and-so does something you don't like". Personally, I think you or the teacher need to remove your son from the situation and make it clear it is unacceptable when he behaves like that they will lose the chance to be with other children and be present in the sitution. Allow him a chance to calm down and collect himself. Make it a positive lesson in the moment, presenting alternatives, and parallel it with rewards for positive choices during other times.
That is what is wrong with children today when they are given "leaky boundaries" as they are growing in maturity and they take that lack of unclear boundaries into adolescents and adulthood.
Parenting is not easy and sometimes it is less upsetting to sweep it under the carpet. There is nothing wrong with seeking help, recommendations, and support. But to ignore the problem and hope it corrects itself will not always make it go away. How would you feel if it was your son who was on the receiving end of the hits? Do you want to create a situation where other parents do not want their children interacting with your son?
Acknowledge his feelings and continue to ask him to express them, but set the boundary of what is not acceptable behavior to deal with them. He will love and appreciate you giving him this help.

Rewarding for POSITIVE behavior works much better than punishing for negative behavior. Try to give him a reward everytime he gets upset disappointed, and DOESN't hit, or perhaps every hour he goes without hitting someone. Perhaps he earns a marble every time, and then after 3 or 4 marbles he gets a treat. Make it really easy to get the marbles at first, then become a bit more "stingy" with them as he gets better.

As since you didn't mention anything, I have to ask - since he's 4, I assume he's quite verbal, so have you actually sat down with him and asked him why he hits? Is he doing it only at school? If so, perhaps it's his way of getting the teacher's attention?? I have no idea of the classroom dynamics, so I just guessing here. But you should definitely find out what he's thinking about when he decides to him. If he enjoys the act itself, if he likes the attention, if he's overstimulated, etc. I'd talk to him first before I sent him to a stranger to talk to him.

And not to raise even more issues, but personally I won't be wary of a teacher who assumes a 4 yo child is hitting out of anger. There are SO many other possibilities at his age. And she should know to reward rather than punish, IMO.

More and more I see research and examples that asking the child can provide an answer. Take a quiet moment, like on the ride home or just after dinner, and say, "Your teacher and I are really worried about this, can we figure out why this is happening?" Just listen to what he has to say at first. Help him describe the sequence of what happens before he hits. It may be simply that someone has a toy and he doesn't know how to persuade them to share. Then ask him if he has an idea about how to stop it so that no one else gets hurt. We often forget that they don't always have language to express what they're feeling in new situations, so see if you can help him develop some vocabulary rather than going right for a punishment at school or with the marble jar. I think you can suggest the marble jar if you get to that point in the conversation. If you use that technique, it's better to have him earn a small prize than to have one taken away. I agree with Mindy that he needs a reward if he earns the marbles. He only needs to earn one marble each morning and after 2 or 3 mornings he gets a bigger prize, like a special activity with you. It will give him a sense of reaching a goal and therefore more confidence.

My son is 3 now and is doing the same thing. He has an older sister 8. My little guy is sweet too. I think you just need to work with him more. The teacher addressed the same with my son and together we are trying to make it work. I would give it a month at least. Kids will be kids. I talk to him every night before bed when all is calm and relax to explain that hitting and throwing things are not nice and that he does not want to hurt anyone. I also do it on the drive to school in the morning. I think it will take time. Good Luck!!! :)

I guess I'd want more information about the circumstances of the hitting. Teacher says it's unprovoked but have you asked your son why he hit the child? Is it the same kid or different kids? It may seem unprovoked but is the other child helping himself to a toy your son wants or sitting next to the kid your son wants to sit with? He might feel overwhelmed by the number of kids and not realize he can ask for a turn. Also, some kids do lose control with the "freedom" of school and hit out of being excited. Does he actually seem angry when he is hitting? More info is needed.
As for your marble jar idea, what happens when the marbles get taken away or what happens when he gets to keep them all? The marbles just show how his behavior has been but there is no consequence or reward in that plan.

I agree with the last poster. Ask him what is happening, and work together on figuring out solutions to not hit. Even at 2 I've found that my daughter can express a surprising amount about what she needs, what is wrong, why she likes/doesn't like something. And just giving him negative consequences shows him it is bad, but doesn't give him the tools to stop. Maybe he doesn't want to hit, but gets into situations where he doesn't know what else to do. Finally, asking him what is wrong and having him help create the solution will let him know you are listening to him and paying attention to his needs, which may be as important as the actual solution.

There are all sorts of disciplinary measures & motivational tools. I never heard of the jar. I am not so sure about it....he would get 4 marbles in the morning for doing nothing, then he will have a negative consequence of removing a marble if he is bad. What about starting w/ an empty jar, and each time he does something great or is super sweet, he gets a marble? Then when the jar fills with marbles, he gets a prize. I do something similar w/ my 4 year old son & he loves it (I took the idea from his school...the kids get a "terrific ticket" for doing something great). This is positive motivation, rewarding good behavior, instead of punishment (removing a marble). Does he display this "anger" at home? I think your idea of trying on your own at home is good & the school should work with you on it, instead of jumping into therapy. Some of this is age related, but if it's excessive or continuous, it really is very inappropriate. I know others whose young son was aggressive...one had poor eyesight & his behavior improved after getting glasses. Another one is suspected by his mom of having adhd. It really just depends on the nature of it & the frequency. Try at home. Make sure he understands hitting hurts & he doesn't want to hurt his friends.