Looking for Ideas About Toddler Discipline

Hi S.,
What I have begun doing with my toddler is to help him understand when he is feeling angry, upset, scared, sad (or whatever emotion) and to use words, instead of just acting out. My idea is that if he can tell me what he is feeling, I can better understand, help and teach him how to respond to that feeling. When I see him have a feeling, I say to him "You look upset because ....." or "You seem sad because....." , and show him what he can do to work with that emotion.

The goal is that he can start to identify what the emotion is and then (hopefully) he will learn how to handle it on his own.
Good Luck
N.

I love your fast walk technique. Very original and seems effective.

I have used many different techniques beginning when my daughter was 3.

The first thing I did was negative & positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement is when you take away the offending stimulus. For instance, if a child is hitting someone with a toy, you take the toy away.

Positive reinforcement is when you reward the child for doing good things. This is ongoing and you need to be consistant. For example, when your son uses his words when he is angry you praise him by saying something like "I like how you use your words to tell me you are angry. That makes mommy very happy." You can also use material rewards, but do so sparingly.

Another technique to use simultaneously with the above is Conflict Resolution. The first step is to teach him about feelings; happy, angry, sad, etc. Give him the tools he needs to express these feelings. I teach people to use the following statement; "I feel angry when you .... please stop." 3 year old children have a hard time communicating so instead of expressing themselves properly, they hit. You should mosel this too. Use simple language & use the same phrase consistantly.

Other things I have done was to take favorite toys away and put them into clear boxes. I had a box for each behavior that I wanted to improve upon. For instance I had labeled 1 box 'hurting,' another labeled 'whinning,' etc. If she hurt her brother I'd put a toy in the hurting box. She had to earn that back at a later time. So if several hours later she helped her brother I would praise he and take her to the box and tell her what she did to earn the toy back.

I then instituted the naughty spot. I was never a fan of time outs because they never promoted effective communication. So when I saw super nanny use the naughty chair and communication after time served, I started that & I love it and still use it and it is very effective. If you are not familar with it i can elaborate. Just ask.

You are doing a great job. Trial and error is what good parenting is all about. I hope this has helped you some.

A.

S.,

I think your trying really hard but, you should try it diffrently

Eg. Quite hands is NOT working for you because he is still at the hysterical mode.and your giving him attention.

the same goes for the fast walk, your giving him attention when he acts up.

What kid wouldn't enjoy going for a walk with mommy.

another thing is your leaving him , he should learn to leave the room when he is being fresh

reason, when he is older it teaches him to walk away from a fight.

So I suggest you send him to his room by pointing and firmly demanding he goes to his room.insist until he listens

while he is there he can yell and scream his head off,
and when he is quieted down you can go to him

but not until then.

I feel its ok for him to be angry and release his frustrations, as long as he follows the rules,

Self control comes in time

he is 3 and not totally capable of understanding nor expressing whats wrong,

and you can't expect this

Simply state the rules, and the facts,

eg. you cannot hit, if you hit you will go to bed.

Hitting hurts, and I don't like it,

You don't like being hit, because hitting hurts

if you hit you will go to bed.

----

One lesson at a time, and believe me it will take time,

after a while you can tell him to lower his voice, while having a tantrum, and he will try to listen,

but it all takes time.

Good luck

M

HI, S.--just some questions for you to answer for you--is there a pattern around when Dad leaves or has been gone for while? Does his frustration level rise but he may not even know why? I used to travel a lot with my job and my oldest acted out a lot on me or her Dad, who was a stay-at-home Dad. We don't know for sure whether it was related and I continued to travel a ton til she was 9.5. But when she was a toddler, we experienced some of what you are. I love the quiet cycle very much--but I added something to it. Someone told me that at those ages they don't even know HOW to stop themselves effectively once they get carried away kicking, crying, and gave me the suggestion of doing the calm discipline techniques followed by a TON of hugs, hugs, hugs. No, not as a signal that it's OK to act that way, but it's OK to be sad, mad, frustrated and Mom/Dad was there to help them understand how to behave. It sure worked--'cause they knew affection was offered no matter what. My girls are now nearly 11, 13, and 15. PS I wouldn't walk away either...that's just plain rejection at that age they can't relate to. Yet, holding back on an activity, etc, they can understand. Hope this can help.

Hi S. N

I gather from you have said that your child is open to discipline especially when you say that there is no problem in school or church. Between the lines I am thinking that he is probably having a little insecurity because of the father being away so much and is expecting you to pay more attention to him or looking to demand your attention as he feels it. My opinion that 'quietening' him is only solving the immediate problem and not the true problem, which he may not be able to express. Does he speak to his father regularly while the father is away and is it that you call the father or does the father call? Do you think that establishing some communication from the father on a daily basis maybe a 'goodnight call/how was school today etc. could help. What about having him role play with the dog /cats when he is leaving for school and coming home so that he shares your time and at the same time is sharing his? Just a thought, if you do not already have this in place.

It seems to me that you are doing a great job! One other thing you might try with the kicking is take him outside and teach him that kicking is for balls, and not for people and funiture. He might learn a thing or two about Soccer in the mean time. :)

With my 2 year old I just continue to reinforce what is allowed and what isn't allowed. He's an awesome kid, and usually does the right thing. My 1 year old is going to be the challenge for us. I love the idea about quiet hands and feet, and I'm sure I'll be using that with my youngest at some point! Thanks for sharing.

what a challenging time! as a mother of 3, we all go thru it...it ends and then creeps back into the day! kids will constantly challenge and we have to constanly set expectations and boundaries...which is what you are doing by not accepting kicking and hitting!

explain the action, the result and the consequence in VERY SIMPLE AND SERIOUS TONE. Do not yell, do not get heated, it's what they want! also, start introducing words like "this is my body and you may not hurt me. it hurts mommy and it is not okay". avoid saying NO. introduce, "not okay" or hitting is not for "jake". NO just antagonizes them even more. using words "like this is my body, or this is my space" EXPLAINS to them why it is not ok without saying NO....

So, the next time he hits, you say (ACTION)"this is mommy's body and it is not okay to hit me. (RESULT)it hurts mommy when you hit and it is not okay. (CONSEQUENCE) for hitting mommy you will sit on the stairs (or the reserved spot) for 3 minutes (a minute for each year of age). picking the spot is very important. it must be in a spot where he knows you are nearby and are continuing with your actions without him (that is the real punishment), but far enough away where he cannot see you (so he can begin to self reflect). if he gets up, you repeat it again and bring him back. if he gets up, you repeat it. if he gets up, no repeating, absolute silence and walk him back. it could take an hour or two or three unitl he stays. mark my words, he will stay and will do so very easily next time and eventually all you will have to do is warn it (do you want a time out?) and the behavior will stop.

BE SURE TO REPEAT the ACTION, RESULT, CONSEQUENCE.....

Hi S.
My niece had a similar problem with excess energy and she would have her kids shake their hands rapidly and called it shaking the junkies out. It seemed to work well in calming and focusing them both. You may also want to address diet issues, maybe his foods are adding to the energy level.
Hope this helps.
C.

I don't know if you've heard of Grace-Based Discipline? (Google to find out more!) GBD used 5 steps to get children to obey w/o shaming them, striking them, or "leaving" them (walking away). 1. Give instruction. 2. Repeat instruction. 3. Offer help. 4. Help (even if help is rejected, the child needs help obeying). 5. Bear hug (if child becomes violent, scoop up child from behind and give them as bear hug, speaking in a calm voice until child calms). HTH.

My daughter was just given a Reward Board. She gets stars when she does something. And the idea is that when she gets x number of stars she gets a reward. She is 3 years old and right now the star is reward enough for her. It is the only way she takes her medicine (currently has her first ear infection). We have started using the idea that if she doesnt listen she will lose a star and it seems to be working. It is working better than the naughty chair as a deterent.

I am also a stay at home mom with one child. I think the rat race was easier but didnt have the benifits of the squeeze hugs my little girl gives me.

S. don't worry we have ALL gone through this "wonderful" stage. Have you tried a "rewards" jar? Incase you have not this is what it is: You find a PLASTIC jar that you let your SON decorate with paints, fabric etc. and set it out on the table or counter where he will be able to see it. For every day that he goes WITHOUT a tantrum you let HIM put in a marble, or a cut out that you and he made ( fish, heart,etc)and at the end of the week you and him together count out how many "marbles" he has in the jar and if he has 7 in there you reward his good behavior with something ( example: a SEPCIAL treat that is ONLY used for this, a toy that he can pick out from the Dollar Store, or even an extra hour of his favorite cartoon on TV). BUT for every tantrum that he throws HE needs to take one "marble" OUT of the jar. This is something that I found that worked out for me. As you go along with this you can alter it ( if you see it working then in a couple of months you can make it where he needs more than 7 marbles). Also talk to his preK teacher to see what they use for discipline in school( my daughter's school does a "color" change : they start out on green then after 2 warnings they go to yellow then to red )and maybe try what they use since you say that he behaves well during school it will be something that he is use to. My daughter that I had prolems with is now 10 and during her "tantrum throwing" stage I tried ALOT of different ideas, but you need to give each idea that you want to try at least a month to see if it will work. Don't give up after a week. As far as "walking away" and leaving him I know that it's difficult, but he knows what he is doing is wrong, but in the same time he is still getting attention from you, so you need to walk away, but your on the right track. Remember talking to him during his tantrums to explain what is wrong and right is NOT the best time to do that ( after he settles down THEN talk to him is better). I wish you all the best and please keep me informed.

i'm wondering exactly how old your son is? is he close to 4? my dd is 2 1/2, so my tactics may not work on an older child.

i, however, do have a background in social work and teaching parenting... and it seems that taking a toy away for a few days is an awful long time to a 3 year old.

perhaps some preventative measures would be helpful? taking him for a walk in the mornings to get energy out before he has tantrums? or at the onset of a tantrum? or, as his mom, you know him best and perhaps know what may trigger a tantrum and transition him easily into it?

the rule i know of for time-outs is 1 minute per 1 year of age... so a 3 minute (or if he's 3 1/2, maybe 3 1/2 minute) timeout is appropriate. i'm not sure if i believe they need to sit still in timeout at this age... that may be asking too much.

hitting and kicking is not a HUGE problem with my dd, but she does go through phases of hitting and especially with taking off dh's glasses. i try very hard to give her "automatic" timeouts in these cases... NO WARNINGS, just timeout right away. this doesn't happen very often... so she does not sit well. i face her toward the wall and often have to hold her down to get her to sit. i still count that time towards her time-out... maybe i shouldn't? until she sits still. i also insist that she apologize to whomever she hit/kick/pulled glasses.

i would suggest looking for things that "instigate" your son and helping him deal with his anger in more productive ways. -hitting a pillow -screaming into a pillow -a great idea i heard once is throwing ice in the shower -using his words... angry words are okay if they are not directed toward someone!

http://www.theparentreport.com/resources/ages/toddler/dev...

that article suggests that it is very OKAY for kids to express anger, and it's our job as parents to help them express their anger appropriately.

http://www.athealth.com/Consumer/issues/childsanger.html

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=2008011619302...
this yahoo question/answer has some good ideas!

Some things i do with my dd to help PREVENT an issue are instead of asking or saying "it's time for bed (dinner/turn of TV/whatever)" I give her 2 choices that are BOTH okay with me "do you want milk or juice with dinner?" "do you want to wear pink or purple PJ's?" "do you want to read books with mommy or daddy?" this takes the attention away from whatever she doesn't want to do... and focuses on her making a choice... AND builds confidence in the process!

now, we may have a very decisive, opinionated, child as a result... but as long as we set limits on that... i think we're helping her become a great confident child!

i hope something i've written has been helpful for you!!!!

let us know how it's going...

darci

Yes
I always favored going into "Mr Rogers mode". Do you know what precipitates the outbreaks? You did not say what he was angry about? Is he eating refined sugar and processed foods. Those things can be destabilizing. How much exercise is he getting? What time of day does this happen? If he is "well behaved in preschool and church" then some other variable must be causing the outbreaks.

Dear S.,
It is nice to know that I am not alone with this problem. I have a 4yr old boy that has LOTS of energy and trouble with controling his anger. I also have a 19 month old daughter that he likes to take it out on. My husband does not travel but he does work 12hr days 6 days a week (3am to 3pm). He needs to go to bed around 8pm and I often feel like a single parent because he is not around enough to help me deal with our son. Recently I heard about a book called "The No Cry Discipline Solutions." I have not yet purchased it but I am looking forward to. I often feel like I am at my wits end and hopefully this book can help me find some relief.
I hope it is helpful for you as well. Lots of luck!
J.

I think what you are doing is wonderful...However how long are you trying the disipline for before trying something new?...I was told to try it for atleast 14 days and that can be very tiring but it does work. There a series of books (i have seen them at Barns and Noble) Hands are not for Hitting, Feet are not for kicking and teeth are not for biting, etc.. It helped with my son. The other thing is if you have some quiet time in the morning try rubbing his hands and feet see if that feels good to him..He may just be hyper-sensitive and need that pressure.
good luck

wow, i think taking your son for a walk is such an EXCELLENT idea-and so often just changing environments can help a kid's mood. we went through a hitting spell last fall before our daughter turned three and we made a "you hit you sit" policy. we have stairs and she has to sit on the first step for a minute, then we go to her talk about what happened and ask for an apology then hugs. i tell you what, it helps both of us so much because now we BOTH know the rules and i lose my temper so much less. after a few weeks the behavior subsided for the most part. but i think whatever method a parent uses, we just need to be as calm as possible. it's often easier said than done but we are modeling as well as disciplining. i applaud your ability to stay calm for 20 minutes during a tantrum, keep up the good work!