4 Year Old Having Hard Time Transitioning

I know it is so hard. He will get through this. Even kids who have been in daycare since they were infants go through clingy stages where they cry when you leave. A few things that may help:

Read books about going to school/daycare. We had "Preschool with Teddybear" and read it every day for 2 weeks before my son switched from in home care to a daycare center.

Let him know what you and his dad are doing while he is at school. He may think he's missing out on time with you both and it may help to remind him that you are both working and there is noone at home so he goes to school to learn and play until you can all go home and be together.

Try a chart, with stickers for tearless days (you may need to start smaller - (with a sticker for not crying on the way to school, another one for not crying when you leave, another one for not crying all morning at school, another one for not crying all afternoon) And then 10 stickers (or 3 or 5 at first) gets a small prize or special treat (matchbox car or movie with Mom) Try not to set a "pie in the sky" goal for him, he will want to get more stickers if he can see the goal is achievable. Make sure to praise him if he keeps his composure, even for a short time and never take away a sticker or prize he has already earned (even if he throws a fit in the afternoon, you still want to praise him for a good morning). This is a bit of bribery but sometimes we need a bit of that to show that behavior has consequenses (good and bad) when the actual consequenses are not tangible enough for them to understand.

Good luck. Please remember that you are not the only one who has gone through this and that when people see you with a screaming child, they do not think you are a bad mom, anyone who is a parent has been there. Sorry this response is so long. I hope some of this helps!

R.

Does he go to a daycare center or a home daycare. Maybe a center type environment is just to much for him, and he would do better at a small home daycare. Just a thought.

Hi C.-

I am a lic'd daycare provider. I have had about 10 children in my daycare over the age of 3 that had the same issues. First of all know that he will get through this and since Kindergarten is right around the corner, it's very important that he does. In school, they are going to ask you to make a quick exit (even though your child is crying). Sounds tough, I know. But this will be in your future.

Positive reinforcement for his good efforts should be rewarded.

If you and your husband show your child that you are just as sad as he is at drop-off, he is going to feed off of that. Remember, your child mirrors your emotional reactions (positive and negative).

Reading about school situations might be helpful too.

Stay strong!

Hi C.,

I'm a licensed, credentialed and accrediated child care provider, so I am answering you from an experienced view. First, I do understand your frustration of having to drop your child off and he's just miserable, or so it seems. You are putting worry were it doesn't need to be. If you trust the person caring for your child, then you need to look at yourself and how you may be encouraging your child's behavoir by showing how you feel. Children will piggy back off your emotions. Second, play groups are not necessary the best tool for giving your child developmental sound exposure at an early age. Play groups normally include parents, which control children's ability to make decisions, handle conflict resolution, and deal with object permanence. Basically you have created this world of separation anxiety for your child by housing him to your hip on a daily basis. Your routines became his routines, which has handicapped him in many ways. I'm almost sure you probably over praise him too. Over praise is another pick them up to drop them later. Children should be praised for the process, not the final product. Stop babying him and give him consequences for his behavior while walking to the provider's home. Just think how the provider must feel and how the program is affected by your son's behavior each day. Other parents are not paying to have their child see this act everyday. Children who display this behavior is a daily burden on a program and/or school. Stop thinking it's all about just your child and your personal emotions. Get a grip and make some guidelines your child can succeed from. Otherwise, you'll be chasing this dragon for years to come.

Don't buy into these suggestions of getting a friend to watch your child. That's another problem. Your child needs to be in a developmental sound program during the day. Going to a friend is just another way to ask them to continue babying your baby. He's 4 and should be school ready. This behavior is in no way acceptalbe.

L.

Do you have a friend or neighbor that watches kids? Could you work out of your home? Its tough anytime you have to leave your child but even worse when they don't want to let go. You should talk to your son and find out why he is having such a terrible time.

C.-

I am a lic. home daycare provider and I have had many children, one very recently (2 1/2 yo) who never was in a daycare setting. His mother would come in with him and stay for a little bit. we started out with them visiting together.... doing activities with us, and then mom would leave for short times....... it got better as we went.. many tears were shed. It is very hard for children.. but their fear is mom and dad not coming to get them. I help strengthen them by them understanding that their mom and dad love them always and they will always come and pick them up... and the parents would reinforce that with them as well. It works.. I give/gave them hugs and loves... a shoulder to lean on... mom and child... but then came a day, where the child was full of smiles, and said bye with hug and kiss and went to be involved with the other children. It took time...... maybe you can adjust your drop off time to allow time to be at daycare with your child till they are comfortable. You and your provider works with the child with love and understanding and it makes it a lot easier for your child. good luck

I am a licensed day care provider, and mother of three, and believe me...he will eventually stop crying and there will be a day...soon...that he will look very forward to going to school.
ask him about his friends, his teachers, what he did. get him excited on the way there.
make a quick exit...he may just cry when you are present...but he probably stops crying very soon after. whatever you do, please dont stop taking him. communicate with his teachers. after all he is with them a lot of his awake time.
just be patient, i know it is heart wrenching to hear your child cry, but it will get better. i guarantee it!

Hi C.,

Your account broke my heart. Poor guy! We have had our daughter in daycare 2 days a week since she was 4 months old. She's now 2. We did change daycare's not too long ago and it took her about 3 weeks to get totally used to the change. Thankfully my husband would drop her off in the morning and it tore him apart because she clung to him and screamed. The daycare center had to dedicate a teacher to spend extra time with her. They assigned mainly one caregive to give her some extra attention and TLC and it seemed to do the job. He's probably going to take even longer to adjust since this is so totally foreign to him. I think it would be helpful to him to have a picture of you and your husband that he can keep with him all day and I know too that we would make sure that our daughter had her special lovey with her at daycare for naptime. He may not have a blankie or lovie but I would think having your pictures and something from home would help comfort him just a bit. I can just hear your heart breaking and I feel so bad for you and your son but I am sure that with some time and patience he'll get used to things and if nothing else, think of it as a way to get a head start on transitioning him to school. Good luck and give that little guy extra attention when you and your husband are with him and tell him how proud of him you are for going to "School" we never call our daycare, daycare, it's always school.