4 Year Old Is Potty Resistant. We Don't Know What Else to Try!

Ditto Dawn B.

She does better at school.
Not at home.
There is a disparity.
The stress at home may be affecting her. That is how kids 'express' stress/anxiety etc.

Kids can 'feel' how others think about them.

Next, no matter how long a child has been potty trained accidents WILL happen. NO child is perfect 100% about it every single day and night.

My Daughter's Preschool and Kindergarten and 1st Grade Teachers... ALL said, that "accidents" still happens at those ages/grades. Normal. THEY do not make a big deal out of it nor upon the child.

When my daughter was about that age... she regressed. It was because of stress. We did not scold/punish/make her feel bad about it. She was normal but had some stress... which we comforted her about. It took some time... but then one day the accidents stopped.

Keep in mind, my girl is now 7... and sometimes she holds her bladder TOO long and her panties get a little wet... NO biggie. Kids.
My son is 4... and he "thinks" he can hold it... but he cannot hold it for long... and he 'wets' his underwear too. Mind you, 'wetting' and an 'accident' are 2 different things.

Your girl... seems to have a harder time at home... with her bodily control... or it is an expression of stress or something bothering her... which is how kids, display these symptoms.

Can you talk with her? Not judge her or scold or lecture... but just let her talk and express anything she wants???? Doing stuff with kid and doing one-on-one things are good... but a child NEEDS to be able to express themselves too... and to verbally talk story, freely and just bond that way too. My daughter is like that. She is very.... acutely aware... of environmental and emotion based vibes.... so we often just talk story ... about whatever she wants to.

all the best,
Susan

all the best,
Susan

.

I also suggest talking with her doctor. Although for the life of me I can't remember what it's called, I had a similar problem around her age that required a minor operation. (I think the diagnostic test used to figure out my problem was called a cystoscopy.) It was a 2-3 day hospital stay at the time, but I suspect medical advances have likely shortened that. I remember having "accidents" all the time and not being able to help it. Whatever was wrong, the operation fixed it and I've been fine for the last 30+ years :)

I would have her checked out with a urologist. There are certain conditions that exist where full voidance of the urinary bladder is not possible, usually something to do with pressures being unequal from the kidneys to the bladder, or the bladder to full voidance. When the bladder sphincter tightens up, a portion of the pee goes out but some remains in the bladder, then up to an hour later when the sphincter relaxes, the rest comes out. She should have some diagnostic tests done to see if there are bladder wall abnormalities or problems with pressures. I think there are a few tests done this way, one of which is similar to an ultrasound of the urogenital area to check for wall defects, while some use doppler for to check for incorrect pressure changes during voidance.

My neice has a kindney issue, which this same type of things happened with her. I suggest you take her to a doctor asap. I can understand getting mad, but if this IS a health issue, this is only confusing her, and making her insecure. We did the same thing with my neice, and it made her extremely insecure about things, and she litterally could not control herself from using the bathroom. She still gets embarrased till this day. Please go to a specialist, and find out of something is wrong.

If she is having accidents 30 minutes after she's gone potty, I'd start by talking to her doctor. She might have some kind of infection or something... especially if she is holding her pee at daycare.

The next thing I would do is make sure you are consistent. If you find her wet, coach her gently to change her undies and get them in the laundry. Every time.

Also, if you've tried rewards like stickers and failed, try for some more *subtle* psychology. If she goes a few hours without an accident, notice it, but praise *indirectly* instead of directly. Instead of "We're proud of you," try this "You should be proud of yourself, you went in the potty every time this morning." My son went through a horrible phase where he decided to poop in the bathtub... it stopped cold when I told him, proudly, like the Queen of England, "There's something you should know... OUR family does not poop in the bathtub. OUR family poops in the potty. Every time." He had never thought of it as a matter of family pride before.

Have you asked her doc in case there might be something physiologically going on? Otherwise, I'd have to agree with finding a way to be supportive of her - where she really feels it - and see if that doesn't help her ease out of it. It would be my best guess that unless it's something her doc finds, that there's some turmoil churning within her. I know it's frustrating!!!!!! But you might be able to help her turn it around with a different approach. She'll have to feel it though. Good luck!!!!!!!!

Sorry to hear about your frustration. I agree with checking with her doctor first. My son was extremely resistant emotionally. He was physically capable and very smart, but just refused to have any part of it (screaming, tantrums, crying etc). We even told him that his doctor said that when he turned 4, he had to potty train. We talked to many experts, but finally took the advice of love and logic and just let it go and quit pestering him. When he was ready and began to express interest, he did it (at 4 1/4 yrs.). We're still working on it now for naps etc. Since this is affecting your feelings about your daughter perhaps that might be the best approach here? Not sure if our daycare allows diapers at her age or not.

The approach of the parenting course may work for some kids, but to me it seems extremely punishing and shaming to the child. She is not doing it on purpose and it must be awful to feel like she's "on her own" for this major emotional and physical milestone. I actually feel sorry for her and my heart breaks for her. I think loving her and being there for her to get through this huge milestone might be more beneficial for everyone and wouldn't put a wedge in the relationship.

One other note, did you read the Emotional Potty Training article on the Mamapedia site today - it might help.

Hang in there and good luck!!

Have you had her evaluated by a physician? There are many reasons a person (adults & children) can leak urine. It could be many different things that could involve her bladder muscle or urethra. If it is occurring 30minutes after she goes she may not be completely emptying her bladder. She may need bladder training.

Getting angry with her and treating her differently because of it will only cause her stress and anxiety which can escalate the problem. Speak to her pediatrician immediately. Good luck.

I don't have a solution to offer, but I just want to tell you you're not alone. I have twins who are 4-1/2. One has been potty trained since just before she turned 3, with very rare accidents. The other still goes through at least 2 outfits some days, though some days she is totally dry. It doesn't seem to matter where we are or what's going on at home. I'm a stay at home mom, so it's not related to any changes in home routine. When we do have a babysitter it's the same. She tells my mom (who is much more upset about the accidents than I am, but at least lives far away and doesn't see her often to bug her about it) that she'll stay dry when she's 5. The pediatrician says there's nothing wrong, and the preschool teachers say she'll grow out of it when she's ready, so I guess some kids are just slower to "get it" than others. Good luck, and I hope you and your daughter can get through this without too much more stress!

This might be a biological issue, or it could be psychological, in which case, you might try the following: Your 2-year-old is probably old enough to start potty training (at least getting used to the potty). Start a potty training chart for your littlest with your child's name on the top. Give a sticker just for sitting on the potty, and an extra special sticker if it actually works. Make up another potty chart, but with NO name on the top. Your older daughter will probably be curious and might want to make it hers. If not, make comments like, "Hmmm... I wish I could think of someone to make this potty chart for..." etc. If your daughter is like mine, this will drive her CRAZY to get her own stickers, chart, etc. But it has to be HER idea, to want to have a "sitting sticker" and a "going sticker" just like her little brother or sis. For her, because she is even bigger, also give her an "independence sticker" for doing all of her cleaning up after potty and staying in the bathroom until all of her jobs are done. Good luck!

Just another thought - my daughter started to get very jealous of her younger brother once he started to get older. We were so conscientious of making her feel good when we brought the baby home from the hospital and while he was a newborn, and she was really fine with it. It was only once he got older (around 1 year old) that she started to be stressed. She saw him get all of this attention from family and strangers and couldn't seem to find her place. She was just desperately trying to get attention somehow, to keep up with her baby brother's attention. You might want to consider this as another potential source of her stress (and possibly linked to her resistance to potty training). I realized that she wan't getting much one-on-one time with me or her father, and that she was hearing a lot of "no" from us. Once I tried to focus on giving her a bit of extra love and attention, things seemed to settle down. And remember that young children are extremely sensitive to our feelings, so she likely senses any hostility.

I understand your frustration and feel for you. Best of luck.

We went through some of this with my 4.5 year old son. He wasn't even in underwear until he was almost 4. He can stay dry for up to about 3 hours but fights me about taking potty breaks when I remind him. He also sometimes has slightly wet underwear and doesn't tell me. Out of frustration I made the rule if he has more than 2 accidents in a day he gets a pull up for the rest of the day.

It is probably worth talking to the pediatrician and ruling out a physical problem like a bladder infection. Presumably you would know if there was a new source of stress in her life. The only other thing that crosses my mind is if she is overtired. My son has problems with accidents if he is sick or overtired. Going to bed 15 to 30 minutes late makes a noticeable difference in his behavior (and he is horrible when really overtired).

Good luck.