4 Year Old Not Listening - O Fallon,MO

Updated on October 04, 2010
C.B. asks from O Fallon, MO
10 answers

Hi everyone,

My 4 year old is such a good boy in most respects. He is very helpful and he is very loving. When he is around other people (like when we have a babysitter) he is great. He listens, and he does what he is told. However, he has had a very difficult time listening to us (my husband, myself, my parents, etc) lately. Everything seems to be a battle. I know that he is doing it to test boundaries, but it is really getting to myself and my husband. I have tried time outs, I have tried going to bed right after dinner, I have taken away his story and snack time, etc but it seems that nothing is working. When we talk with him after the punishment is over, he knows exactly why he was in trouble but he keeps doing the same things that he gets in trouble for. Lately there has been so much yelling in our house. I know yelling is not the answer, but when you are at your wits end there is really nothing else to do. This past week has been especially bad. He has been standing on the chairs in the kitchen when eating lunch, he tried to run from me at the mall the other day, he kicks his little brother, he pushes his little brother, he talks back in that smart way when he is getting in trouble, he is spitting, and he pretty much does what he wants to do when he wants to do it. I don't know what else to do. Does anyone else have a 4 year old that is not listening to anything you say?

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C.G.

answers from Chicago on

My friend is going through this - she has literally tried everything and seen no improvement. Some kids are just more stubborn. :( My best suggestion is to figure out what he loves best and use that as your threat, and then follow through immediately by taking it away if he misbehaves again. For my son, it is his model trains. For my daughter, it is the music that helps her fall asleep. Both are treasured items and neither will risk losing them after having lost them the first time. Good luck, I know it is frustrating and you just want your loveable little boy back. I promise that 5 is a great age!! :)

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J.M.

answers from New York on

my normally wonderful 5 year old doesnt listen anymore. my very strongwilled, independent, advanced 2 year old isnt listening either. i really think the younger one has influenced the older one. everything is a battle, picking out clothes, picking up toys, hurting each other, along with pretty much everything you said. for my older one, the time out still does work, but the younger one doesnt listen to anything. she laughs when she is put in time out or reprimanded. they both are fully aware of what they did wrong, and apologize saying they wont do it again, then go to do it again.

i too have resorted to yelling at times. i used to never yell, but all of a sudden, i get nothing unless i raise my voice. even then, its like "ok", then back to the bad behavior. my main issue is that when they ask for anything, and i may say no and explain why, they go off and do exactly what i just said no to.

i have no advice, except to say im right there with you. for myself, i have noticed an increase in negative behaviour this month since my older one started kindergarten, even though she isnt going that much longer than pre-k. im hoping its just a phase until everyone gets ajusted to the day. good luck!

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

When you're at your wit's end is the best possible time to try something else, because you'll be able to see quickly whether it works. Sounds like your little guy is in full resistance mode, which I'm guessing will only be intensified by yet another layer of discipline, deprivation, correction, punishment, threat, or yelling.

ALL behavior, in adult or child, is an attempt to get some need met. You don't have to reflect very long to find this is true for yourself, and it's just as true for your son. If he's not listening, not responsive to your requirements, and not corrected by punishment, something is seriously wrong in his little life. This is not simply testing limits, it sounds like a desperate ploy to find some set of limits that fits his needs better.

I understand that you can't possibly draw a whole picture for us in your request, but is it possible that your expectations are rather beyond what is realistic for a young child? Is your family life possibly over-scheduled? If "everything is a battle," and he's being required to follow instructions OR is dealing with/recovering from another round of correction or yelling more or less constantly, where are his down time and positive affirmation coming from? ALL little kids need lots of time for themselves, to play, to relax, to internalize all they are learning. I see this in my grandson (approaching 5), and in every young child I've ever worked with.

Unfortunately, little kids have very little life experience, so they do what they know. That often looks like stubbornness and resistance to their parents. And it's often a childish imitation of the behavior and tone of voice they hear from their parents. So if you speak to him in an abrupt or impolite way, he picks that up and amplifies it as "smart talk." If you see your existence with him as a battle, that's how he'll see his existence with you. He's not in a position to change that, but you are.

I hope you'll do some reading on Emotion Coaching (you can google this for the basics) and try an approach that gives him a chance to identify his needs and help find ways to solve his own problems. This can mean more cooperative behavior, and a pretty quick turnaround. But it requires attention, empathy, and respect from the parents.

There's a most wonderful little book I use with my grandson and other young people, called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. Some parents with some pretty disturbed and worrisome behavior in one or more children have had almost miraculous results using these easy-to-understand and sensible techniques. I hope you'll give it a try; it just may save your sanity.

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S.H.

answers from St. Louis on

you are the "key" to changing his behavior....& that's what he needs: behavior modification.

It's time to step up to the plate, figure out a game play, & follow thru.....EVERY SINGLE TIME your child acts out. Watch the "1-2-3- Discipline" video, try Love & Logic......but whatever method you choose, stick with it.

A few ideas: **direct eye contact during the entire interaction. If he wavers, then redirect his gaze back to you. Insist on this.
**do not raise your voice. If anything, lower it. It truly does work....& it gets their attention.
**be proactive. BEFORE you go anywhere, fully (but briefly) explain what your behavior expectations are, what the consequences are. As soon as you see deviation from this, begin the 1-2-3 count.....& leave for home if you have to. Your child is not allowed to go the next time....It's as simple as that.
**for the standing on the chairs: again be proactive. Tell him what you expect & what the consequences are. Don't let him be in charge.
**for the hitting/pushing: watch him closely ....don't let him be on his own....& as soon as you see him trigger, step in & be firm. Remove him from the play area, put him in timeout.....& make him sit still for 4 minutes (1 minute for each year of age). Do not discuss anything with him until he sits still for his time. Before he is released, briefly discuss his actions & make him apologize to his brother. If he refuses, then back to timeout.

By setting these rules & guidelines, you will find yourself in a better position to discipline. You have to take charge & keep that control. & that's what this is: a complete bid on his part for control. Good Luck & I wish you Peace!

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S.D.

answers from Columbia on

Hi C. - I have 5.5 and 2.5 year old boys. When my older son goes throught these phases of testing the boundaries we always take a step back and try to recognize what else is going on, like is he getting enough positive attention from us? Sometimes we get into a pattern with the older one of barking out orders and 'no's' because we are busy with both boys and are trying to teach the younger one things that are reinforced with positive attention. But in the process we are stretched and tend to expect the older one to cooperate more - esp. after the age of 4 when they start to be capable of doing a lot more and understanding a lot more.
It's important to make sure he gets even the smallest amount of one on one time - just a book or 10 minutes playing whatever - lego etc. - special 'big boy' things while the young one naps or plays with something.
We noticed our older son being very challenging in the same ways you describe and he really did turn around with more positive attention. Give him some jobs he can do that his younger sibling can't that will make him feel special - find things you can tell him 'great job' 'good listening' etc.
We forget they are still learning even if they are older and more capable. Hugs and I love you's during the day really helped too.
You will still have to do consistent time out's with the negative behaviour but really try to be calm about it when it happens - matter of fact and praise him whenever he gives you the opportunity.

M.L.

answers from Houston on

Yelling will make it worse, there are so many psychological factors that prove this. When you feel like yelling, take a moment to walk away, calm down and then confront the issue. Follow up with plenty of positive reinforcement. Catch him doing good behaviors and praise him when you can... he will notice a pattern of the attention he wants and how to get it appropriately. Do not take away his story time, that is an important time he needs to feel secure and valued... helping him fell this way will help improve his behavior.

Continue the time-outs, the consequences, having him apologize, make him a reward chart... just be very consistent. It's hard putting a whining kid in time out over and over and over again when they keep running off!

This discipline book by Dr. Sears will really help your whole family out a lot:
http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...

In the meantime, you can see some of his answers and advice on his website:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

T.K.

answers from Dallas on

My 4 yr old is very defiant with me. He does listen to dad. In our house it comes down to consequences. He doesn't fear me at all. When dad is home he does what he's supposed to. When dad is gone - so is any hope of him minding. My husband says the same thing you did - he's not listening. Oh he's listening. He can hear me. He just chooses not to comply. He's weighing the cost benefit analysis. He knows there will be little or no real consequence with mom so he does what he wants.

J.B.

answers from Kansas City on

Ours is three and we have had this issue for awhile. Different tactics work for a bit, then we have to try new ones. I like Love and Logic a LOT and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen had some good suggestions, too, but I think they will work better when our kids are older. Since he listens to others, you know it's selective. Something someone told me recently was to tell him something calmly one time. If he ignores you, look him in the eye, tell him one more time and let him know that's the last time you'll say it. Then if he continues, immediately remove him from the situation, ie take away his lunch and put him on the floor, grab him in the mall and take him back to the car, etc.

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S.T.

answers from Austin on

yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ignores me daily....i think it is part of her establishing her independence---(sometimes i am quite impressed) but mostly it just makes me furious.....good luck--try and be patient and know he will be a strong adult one day due to these exercises.....:)

H.W.

answers from Albany on

My almost 5 yo step daughter has just gone through a spell of not listening to her dad and I. I've also seen her completely ignore her mother.
Every time it happens, I stop her dead in her tracks and make her pay attention. I explain that it is just not on to ignore us and if she keeps it up there will be an unpleasent consequence. She seems to respond well to just talking, but that's because we broke her in a while ago and got to the stage where she really didn't want to be in trouble anymore.

We will instantly take away something ie tv or a toy. As for all the other naughty behaviour, it seems like he is trying to rebel against something, or get more attention, be it good or bad.

Good luck!!!

P.s. I also lose it sometimes and yell when I know I shouldn't. A stern voice filled with dissapproval seems to work much better :)

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