4 Year old/Preschool - San Diego,CA

My 4.5 yo daughter has been in daycare/preschool full time since she was 12 weeks old and we still go through phases like this. Some mornings she gets up and is happy to go and some mornings its a struggle.

I think Min R was very correct in her observations regarding how children process the impending arrival of a new baby. I witnessed this repeatedly as a preschool teacher and nanny. It's like a lot of things in life--there's a lot of fear attached to this big change, and a child's anxieties can go through the roof because it's all so abstract. They simply cannot conceptualize how this change will go, nor may they understand that this is a positive change.

Children thrive on routine, and having a baby is a bit like throwing a stick in the spokes, to them. Not in their realm of firsthand knowledge, not in the routine at all.

For example, when you drop your daughter off for preschool, you probably have a similar perspective to most parents: "Hey, you get to go to preschool and have fun".

Kiddo, however, may be thinking: "There's that baby inside of you that always gets to be with you and now you are leaving me and going off *with* the baby."

Don't you wish they could understand our more complex ideas and language? It would be so much easier if kids could say "I feel hurt and jealous because the baby gets to be with you 24/7 and I don't. I was Number One and now you are with the baby all the time."

If it were me, I wouldn't spend a lot of time trying to reassure her or make her feel like this is a good thing. It is for you, but find other ways to connect. I'd highly recommend reading "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen... and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. I think this will help open up a more progressive dialogue with your little girl and allow her to express her concerns in a way that feels contained and accepting for her. I'd also keep the "Baby" talk on the down-low, so that she can best enjoy her time with you. Being excited about the baby is your right, of course, but be sure to be present with her and focus on her before baby. Let her bring it up, but I wouldn't mention it too much otherwise.

One thing to add: regression around any sort of big change is common, so this may play out in other ways. Please be patient. She loves you, she's got a huge change to get used to and wrap her little head around, and it'll all likely be fine after a while. It's just hugely abstract and scary for her right now...

Best wishes on some good holiday time with your little girl.:)

My daughter has been in daycare since she was 3 months old and we also go through phases. A few things that have helped us:

1) We keep a picture of the family at school if she need to look at us. I don't think she hardly looks at it, but I think the idea of it helps.

2) We have special hand shake for drop off and she picks how many hugs and kisses she wants. (Usually between 5 and 10)

3) The biggest thing we have done that I think helps the most is a calendar. I bought a desk calendar and every month we go through and put stickers on for school days, draw stars on show and tell day. Write in other big things coming up in the month, holidays. Every night we cross off the day. She loves crossing off her day and knowing what is coming up for the weekend.

We were running into problems that she wasn't sure if it was a school day or a stay at home day. This has really helped us.

It's common for kids to have a honeymoon period for a new environment and then do what you're describing after the novelty wears off.

It's also common at this age to go through a period of separation anxiety. They start to realize that things can happen to them when you are not there and things can happen to you too. The important part is that after the initial transition she's having happy days at school.

I would set up a regular drop off routine with her... maybe you have a special saying or hug or you read a book with her. Make it something with a definite end, like "after we, do our special hug and kiss, I'm gonna go." and then do that. Don't give just one more hug or stay just one more minute, unless there's something else going on with her. You'll be able to tell...

Good luck~ It is a phase and she'll get through it :)

very very common for a child to have seperation issues at this age after you have told her you are pregnant. I was a preschool teacher for about 10 years,a nd in my last class saw two kids go through this who were only children at the time. One was an incredible bright, well behaved child. Once she found out her mom was having a baby, she was very difiante at home and school. After talking to her she told us that "her mom was not goign to love her anymore becuase she was going to have a baby instead". She said this right in front of her mom. Her mom had reassured her several times that she would still love her to no avail. We also reminded her as teachers that she would need to be a big helper, and that her mom was going to love having a big sister at home to help, and the baby would be hers too, etc. The other child (a boy) became very emotional and would start crying very easily over nothing when he before had been fine. Its a huge change for them at this age, they need that reassurance that you still will love them and things like that. She will eventually be okay and back to normal, but it may take a while. good luck, hang inthere, it has nothing to do with preschool honestly. she may be worried that when you drop her off you will not pick her up becuase you will have the new baby, and will never get her again. Keep reassuring her. Good luck! Know this is a tough one!

Updated

very very common for a child to have seperation issues at this age after you have told her you are pregnant. I was a preschool teacher for about 10 years,a nd in my last class saw two kids go through this who were only children at the time. One was an incredible bright, well behaved child. Once she found out her mom was having a baby, she was very difiante at home and school. After talking to her she told us that "her mom was not goign to love her anymore becuase she was going to have a baby instead". She said this right in front of her mom. Her mom had reassured her several times that she would still love her to no avail. We also reminded her as teachers that she would need to be a big helper, and that her mom was going to love having a big sister at home to help, and the baby would be hers too, etc. The other child (a boy) became very emotional and would start crying very easily over nothing when he before had been fine. Its a huge change for them at this age, they need that reassurance that you still will love them and things like that. She will eventually be okay and back to normal, but it may take a while. good luck, hang inthere, it has nothing to do with preschool honestly. she may be worried that when you drop her off you will not pick her up becuase you will have the new baby, and will never get her again. Keep reassuring her. Good luck! Know this is a tough one!

As long as she is fine once you drop her off, then just say a quick I love you and be off.

I just went throught this with both of my daughters. It is a game I think for them and I put my foot down and said they were going and going to have a great day. I also suggested they ask santa for a watch so they will know what time I will be picking up. Last week changed and have been tear free! Good Luck!

If she's fine at school once you leave then the hysteria is all for your benefit. If she gets a reaction out of you she's learned that it "works". Kids are not trying to be manipulative - they just have an inate sense of figuring out what works.

Kids go through developmental stages. She's learning that you have a life when you're not with her. She probably enjoys the times you're doing things together and mistakenly believes that if she didn't go to preschool you'd be coloring together or baking cookies or some other fun stuff you've done with her recently. She doesn't realize that you're doing stuff she doesn't find enjoying - like grocery shopping, laundry, vacuuming, etc.

Make sure she spends some time with you when you're doing ordinary chores - like folding laundry and scrubbing the bathroom - where she'll have to amuse herself.

I learned from a now 85 yr old sunday school teacher who had taught 2-3 yr olds sunday school for more than 40 yrs - Set up expectations for your child. Next time you pick her up from preschool and as you're driving home tell her it seems to you that she has a nice time at preschool, describe some of the things you know she did at school that week (you learned a new song, made a snowman craft, played house, built a tower, etc.). don't give her the opportunity to tell you that she didn't have any fun at all. Tell her that you know she will be going to school without the crying tomorrow morning (or whenever) - tell her you know she's getting to be a little more grown up and you're so happy and proud of her - remind her of some of the things that only grown-up girls can do - like have special snacks, don't have to take naps, get to ______ (help bake cookies, wash dishes, etc.). Then tell her how you know she'll be so good at going to school without crying. Remind her again the night before. In the morning as you get ready for pre-school tell her, with excitement, that you know that today she's going to go off to school with a smile, you know that she's going to have a nice time, that she won't cry. Remind her of how proud you are of her. Give her hugs and kisses as you remind her. This approach should work. You can supplement it with a chart of stickers - one sticker a day when she does well - and when the chart is full she gets a special something.... (I haven't found that I needed to use the chart approach for this - I only used it for bedtime stuff.)

Good luck mama - you will get past this!

She wants mommy time. My 6 yr old still goes through this at times. Can you make a tradition of one-on-one time when school is over? Like reading a story together or making dinner together?