4 Year Olds Behavior

This is because you did not teach him to respect you from day one. You need to teach him to respect you and other adults. Until you do, this will continue and it will escalate.

You really don't need to give kids so many choices - it makes them feel like they're in charge and this is what you get when a kid thinks they're in charge.

Take the control back. No more choices - this is it period.

How long has the new sibling been there? How can you be sure it shouldn't be an issue any longer?

Personally, I think it is very normal for a 4 year old - my daughter would have runs of behavior like this - but that doesn't mean you should put up with it. When my daughter acted up, and became sassy and defiant, she got to spend time in her room alone, with the door shut. That is what worked best for us, because if she chose to have a tantrum, at least I wasn't there to be a witness to it. She could scream and yell to her heart's content, but she couldn't come out until she had calmed down and was ready to talk nicely again.

I would ask him to do something ONCE...and then if he is still ignoring you, I would touch him, make sure you have his full attention, get his eyes on you, and tell him again. If he doesn't do as you ask, he gets a time-out in his room. "Counting" worked really well with my daughter to get her moving - I just started going "One...two..." and if I got to three, she earned some kind of consequence. If putting him in his room doesn't work, you can try taking things away, like TV time, or a favorite toy. But whatever you do, don't keep asking him over and over - you shouldn't have to ask several times, and he is learning that it is acceptable to ignore you. Also, it's very important to be consistent - address the bad behavior the same way every time, rather than letting things slide sometimes because you don't feel like dealing with it.

I would also make sure you are still able to spend quality one-on-one time with him, doing something fun or special, and not just expecting him to entertain himself or stay out of trouble just because there is a new sibling in the house. Sure you have your hands full, but he may need more positive attention right now than negative.

Your son is testing boundaries, and with a new sibling around, this may not be the sole reason for the misbehavior, however, it is a great way to get attention.

A personal favorite: JoAnne Nordling's "Taking Charge: Caring Discipline Which Works at Home and at School." What I love about this book is that it is steeped in observation and identifies different types of misbehavior, and then offers appropriate corrections for each one. It's been a wonderful help for myself and a number of other parents.

You might want to try two things: 'connection before direction' and 'repeat after me'. Connection before direction means that when you are wanting your son to do something other than what he's already doing, you take a moment to 'check in' with him first. Ruffle his hair, rub his shoulder, make contact, comment on what he's interested in at that present moment. This is important, because *That* is where his attention is. Once you do have his attention, then give him the direction and immediately have him repeat it back to you. "Tell it back to me, now." If he forgets the message, he didn't *get it* and try it again. Once he can repeat the message , allow a moment or two for the transition to sink in.

If he's likely to stall because he's wanting attention, this is your time to be proactive. "Hey, can I come wash hands too?" or "Want company while you get your pajamas on?" I did this a lot with my son and the children I've cared for when I get resistance to a transition. If they come along quickly, they get a few minutes of extra attention.

Keep in mind that with new siblings, emotions can run high. I'm sure that your son has some 'be careful for baby' rules he must follow, and he's likely noticing that baby doesn't/can't be careful for him. Mobile infants can start getting into an older child's playspace, so do make sure there are some places in the common areas of the house where he can play without fear of having his activity disturbed. Some older siblings I used to care for would choose to play their Polly Pocket or Lego activities in a pack-n-play so they could still be close and use the small pieces safely while baby roamed. Older children tend to be expected to wait more often for things that the baby would be, naturally, however, they do notice and can get jealous.

Lastly, give your big boy lots of supportive touch when he's busy doing the things he loves. Those are the times to rub his back, tousle his hair, give his arm a friendly squeeze. In this way, he learns that you notice him even when he's not trying to please you or misbehave. In regard to the tantrums-- he may have big feelings he needs to work through in a safe place. Once you have identified the source of his frustration and hopefully offered either empathy and possibly other options, if he's still going to rage, let him do so in a safe place. This is NOT the time to talk with him, reason with him or ask questions. Let him come out when he's ready to have company, and then try to help him move along with his day-- but unless there's a safety concern, do not give him attention during this time.

You've got to look up boys and their ability to listen at four years of age. Its so interesting! Apparently, they really can not hear in the same way as girls. I found it to be such a relief to my friends with boys because they saw my daughter responding differently. Wish I had the web site for you handy.

The behavior, though, is testing and particularly when he sees the baby not having to do anything. You stated that should not be the cause, but it can ebb and flow. He may need more physical contact when he's being asked to do something. There is something in touch for all children that allows them to feel secure and connected, making it tough to act up when your asking them to do something.

Little guy is still little. Often we expect more when a baby comes along.

I had to chuckle when I read your post. A large percentage of the posts on this site have to do with children not listening. It's so usual. And it doesn't seem to get better until children are much older, say closer to adult hood and then how many moms complain that their husband doesn't listen?

I do know it's frustrating and I also know you can improve his ability to hear by doing a couple of things differently. As Hazel suggested, get his attention before asking him to do something. Have him repeat what you requested and stay involved until he gets started or even help him to do it. I know that takes time but it's essential at the beginning as you train him.

It's also important to take action without repeating yourself several times. When you repeat the request without following thru he's learned that he has that amount of time before you will follow thru. He can stall.

It's hard to understand why kids don't respond to angry words and learn to obey before those words are aimed at them. I suggest that it's because they get attention and negative attention is better than no attention at all. This is one reason that touching them, talking with them while looking in their eyes, and staying involved until they get started works. You're giving them the attention they need and want as it teaches them to do what you say.

How do you punish him? I prefer the word discipline because it's a better word to describe what you want to do which is to teach him to listen and obey. When you punish, by being upset, taking away toys, lecturing, etc. he doesn't see the connection between what he's done and what you're doing. He gets angry and frustrated too.

For discipline to teach it needs to be delivered swiftly, calmly, and related to the offense. If you've told him to put away his toys and he doesn't then taking away the toys can be effective. If you've told him to wash his hands for dinner and he continues playing with his toys then taking them away also makes sense. But if he's teasing the baby and not involved with his toys then taking them away doesn't make sense to him. They aren't related. Instead, I suggest it makes sense to separate him from the baby. He has to go to a different room.

If he throws a tantrum as you're moving him to a different room, then let him throw himself on the floor and walk away from him. Let him throw the tantrum as long as he isn't hurting himself or anyone else. Walk away so that he doesn't have your attention and so he can't hit you.

When he back talks send/take him to his room. You don't want to be in his presence when he's being rude. A natural consequence for him. Tell him why you're sending him to his room and tell him he can come out when he's ready to apologize and listen to you. When he comes out, repeat why you sent him there, ask him to repeat that by asking him why he was sent to his room. When he tells you why and says sorry give him a hug and go from there.

My daughter sends her children to their room for a variety of offenses because they aren't good company until they comply. It seems to work for them.

Talk with him first, when all is calm, about what you're going to do so that he knows the drill. Then consistently do this. He will learn. It will take time. My daughter had to walk her kids to the room at first but now, at 9 and 12, they sometimes put themselves in their rooms. They started doing this a couple of years ago.

Try to word requests in a manner so that he's less apt to feel that he needs to say no. Give him choices whenever possible. For example: "It's time to pick up your toys. Do you want to put them in the basket by yourself or would you like my help? Let's put the basket here or over here." or "Do you want to pick them up now or 5 minutes from now." or "Let's sing the pick up song." and then begin singing it,

It works best when we give kids a heads up before requiring that they do something. Warn them that in 10 minutes it's going to be time to pick up the toys or in 10 minutes we're going to put on pajamas.

Have a routine that you use every time for things that you do all of the time. That way he knows what to expect. Often, we forget that doing things is still relatively new to them. We've been getting ready for bed for 20+ years. For a 4 yo it's only been 2-3 yrs and most of that time they're not able to remember. (Our brains aren't fully developed until we're into our twenties or even thirties. Babies have no memory.)

This is normal.

At that age, I used a lot of logical consequences. "We can't do this until you do _________."

Let him throw his tantrum. Just make sure he's put in his room with the door closed when he does. Not having an audience makes tantrums pretty pointless. If there's no payoff he'll soon learn that screaming and going limp on the floor gets him nowhere.

Try the book 1-2-3 Magic.

sounds pretty typical, all kids try this stuff. what differs is how parents deal with it. you say it's a "new" sibling, but that it shouldn't be a problem anymore. well which is it? and who decides it "should not be the cause anymore"? if it's still disrupting his life and upsetting him, it is. even a year later it could still be an issue if boundaries and consistency haven't been utilized. if he feels like the baby is taking precedence or he is being pushed aside constantly. there could be a million variables. be consistent, don't allow that behavior even if he does throw a tantrum. bad behavior should warrant a time out, every time. arguing, back-talking, all of it. rules and boundaries, and lots of love and affection when he's being good. don't "try to punish". discipline. (and no "try" on that either. you either do it, or you don't.)

Normal - they are still growing and learning and need "training". Model the behavior you want, be empathetic to how he is feeling but tell him what he needs to do. Give him choices, when you can, that lead to the behavior you want but give him some control (ex. you want him washed - he gets to choose bath or shower, or bubbles or plain water.

Just a thought, you say that the new sibling "should not be the cause of this behavior anymore"... why do you think this? How has the new sibling impacted your life? In a major or minor way. Having a baby is a lifechanging event for adults, so it's the same for the child as well. It's not an excuse for behavior, but it's a reason. He will not be "over it" when you think he should be. Sometimes I think that parents forget that children are impacted by life events as much or as more than adults.

Normal! Mine are 6, 5 and 3 and never WANT to listen, but they do (when I'm serious) because there is no other option. You say you try to discipline him then he throws a tantrum. ? What's that outcome? Does he succeed in thwarting your discipline for the first offense? And what is his discipline for the tantrum? Get on top of this, mom or things will get ugly :) "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson is on the money for this behavior. I have a firmer book too if you want it pm me.

And don't forget to give him lots of love and attention so he feels secure and so there is a stark difference in his world between when he's acting rightly or wrongly. This makes it sink in way faster. But even the happiest of well-loved kids will do this-you can't escape discipline with affection and love. You need both.

Wow - Cheryl B's answer was a little harsh, unless of course she knows you!
In a lot of regards this is normal - he is testing boundaries. Set boundaries and keep to them - what behaviour is expected etc. Maybe try including him more in the care of baby (menial tasks) he will feel important and a big boy then. Take comfort in knowing my soon to be 4 year old is the same, he has a short attention span, but I don't think he has any "issues" - well I hope not. I think that is just boys - selective hearing! He has an eight year old brother and a nine month old brother too, so he definitely picks up things beyond his years sometimes. Four years at this age can be a large gap in what they know.
Keep up the discipline he is going through some adjustments with the entrance of a sibling. Find a discipline method that works for you and your family and stick to it.
Good luck!