4 Yo Boy on the Spectrum

That is so sad! The soonner he gets help the better the chances that he can learn/overcome some things. She is sorda right about the labeling thing, sad but true. But, if she goes to the school and gets tested, it's free and he will also get help for free also! If he is tested and nothing is wrong, you just move along, no label, if something is wrong, take whatever label they give you, look ointo it and get your son help!!! She is not helping him by waiting at all! Trust me, school will be so hard for him and they 2 will recommend testing but they have so much red tape to go through that it could take half a year to even get it done and by then it would have almost been another year of setbacks. Tell your friend that nothing could be wrong but that it is worth looking into just in case. Better to have asked and gotten help then to fight a battle later you could have avoided. Denial does not make things any better, sometimes worse! Hope she gets him help before school starts and then it is hard for the child! Justju

Hello E.-

I have a 7 year old on the spectrum and I know all about denial. My son was 4 1/2 when diagnosed and the signs were there for about a year before I made an appointment. Honestly, if she doesn't have any concerns at all there's not going to be a whole lot you can do. Is she concerned at all that preschools are saying they can't meet his needs? That should be a huge red flag for her. My son was in preschool when he was 3 and the school had no problems at all with him. In fact when I asked about different things I was seeing and told them I was having him evaluated they were surprised! Anyway, if she is concerned and wants suggestions she'll want to find a developmental pediatrician or a child psychologist who specializes in autism sprectrum to get a diagnosis. I would NOT suggest going to the school district until she has a diagnosis. I took my son to the district first (hey, it was free) but they said he was fine. 5 months later the developmental pediatrician diagnosed Asperger's. I took my son back to the school district with the diagnosis and they still saw no problems.

Good luck,
K.

I too have a 7 year old in the spectrum. He didn't get diagnosed until just after turning 5. The school in our case was wonderful. He had already been in PPCD for 2 years. We figured that his developmental delays were due to prematurity, and still managed to deny the possibility of autism. My family had tried to talk to me about autism, and I resented them for it.
My son's best friend is quite a bit like him. They have the same little "quirks". This boy struggles in school. In fact, the school has practically begged the mom to let them evaluate him. She doesn't want to risk him being "labeled" either. Her solution is to keep her son away from my son. She seems to think that his behavior is because of my son.
There is something that I didn't realize about high functioning autism before all this. Yes, it can be hard to deal with. However, it brings many gifts. Many of the most important people in history had some form of autism. So does Bill Gates. Imagine how hard Einstein was to raise.
Here's the thing, though. None of this information is going to reach your friend. She is in denial, and will probably stay there for a while. Unfortunately, there's nothing that you will be able to do to change her mind. If you continue to press it, she'll just resent you for it. In her mind, you are judging her & her son, not trying to help. (And, I've seen many parents blame the day care for not being able to handle their child.)
Just be there for your friend. She will have a rough ride ahead of her. Hopefully, she wakes up when the school starts calling her in to talk about her son. But, that might not happen until around 1st grade.

She is unwilling to do anything, then leave it up to the school system. As soon as he does the testing for kindergarten they will see the issue at hand and help take care of it.

Hi E.,
I'm sorry, but as a mother with a child that is on the Autism Spectrum, I say you stay out of it. She is telling you as subtly as she can that this is none of your business. I have a child that is older, and is concidered on the autism spectrum, but in the lower area. According to the schools, this has gone unnoticed because we have not catered completely to it, and have only helped to teach our child to adjust to circumstances. To be honest, if the doctor's are also saying that the child is fine, then what exactly makes you think you are right about this. I'm not trying to be mean, I do think it's great that you want to help, but you need to understand that the mother and the doctors most likely do know what's best. If she wants to get him evaluated she will. I don't think it's very fair of you to push it on her. And if she does end up finding out later that she does have an autistic child, then you are not going to be someone she will come to if you keep pushing her. Just wait and see what happens and if that is the case later on down the line, just try to be there for her and the family as a whole. I really hope this email doesn't upset you, but I just happen to feel strongly on this point as a mother who has already been in your friends' shoes. Because of the fact that I didn't go and immediately try to label my child as autistic, he is very high functioning and able to be in a regular school class now. I just don't think you should keep bugging her about it if you are not a professional yourself. You have no idea what's going on with this child, and if it were your child, would you want someone trying to shove it down your throat or label your child if they don't really know what they are talking about? Good luck, and please just concider how you would feel on the other side. You can't possibly understand how hard it is if you have not been through it yourself. It's hard to decide what's best for your child, and I don't think she'd be your friend if you thought she didn't love and want the best for her child. So just keep in mind that maybe she and her doctors do know what's best.

D. H.

How about exploring and learning somewhere else? Maybe she doesn't want you in her business. If she's in denial, there is nothing that you are going to do that will convince her otherwise. Maybe she just wants to have you as her friend and support system, and not as her moral compass. She'll figure out what is right for her kiddo when she's ready. Maybe having someone point it out is pushing her away from it. Nobody wants someone else pointing out something about their kiddo. Especially if its something that they don't like, don't know about, or are scared of. So you KNOW he isn't fine - Great for you. Do you think she hasn't noticed these things you're talking about? Of course she has, but geez, she's still thinking about how she was going to have an absolutely perfect baby and an absolutely perfect blissful life. Let her figure out what she needs to do and stop judging her for something you clearly haven't experienced personally or KNOW all about.