4 Yr Old with Hitting Problem

I am still working with this with my now six year old. He has always been a hitter, biter, and thrower. He frustrates easily, and has had trouble displaying self control. I found that talking simply and directly, keeping it short and to the point, without going overboard and talking to him about every little point and reason helped alot. "It is wrong." "We don't do that." "That is unacceptable." He is placed on his time out in a place without toys or distractions and HE decides when he would like to come out. If he comes out and immediately does it again, he is returned to the spot to do to it again( and sometimes again and again and again) Remain calm, if you can't, don't, and wait until the next opportunity. "You may come out when YOU decide you can get control of yourself and behave as asked." Honestly making it a democracy, not a dictatorship and leaving him to make his own choices in how he behaves has worked the best. I show disappointment when he makes the wrong choice or behaviour, but I try to never "lose it", or cry, or scream at him, no matter how frustrated I myself get with him. Make sure to use the same repercussions as his daycare providers or they you so as to not confuse him.

Well it is hard to say but you might want to get him tested for ADHD. sometimes behaviors like that can be an indicator. otherwise pack up all his toys and move them out of his room. Only allow him one at a time and only if he asks nicely and has behaved. Thus if he throws a fit you can put him in his room until he has calmed down.

is he behind on speech? if so get ahold of PAT they maybe able to help get his speech going better. Otherwise just keep working with him and explain things in simple terms sometimes as adults we talk to maturely and assume that the kids understand what we mean.

My first question is when does he go in to the pediatrician next. The reason I'm asking is because sometimes there will be a medical issue that they can help with. There is a list a mile long but it doesn't mean he has any of them. I work with kids all of the time and I am beginning to recognize that there is something more there when they are hitting. I never know for sure what it is but possibly there is something underlying other than they just hit. It sounds like this has been going on for a while and you said that nothing is working. I would just check and see what your doctor thinks because he knows more about your son. Keep us updated.

Maybe this is his way of saying he doesn't want to be in preschool or that he's is too immature to be in that setting. My son (who is a twin) is a big hitter. I decided to yank him out of preschool because he wasn't ready and was hurting other kids. He is doing GREAT now.. not perfect, but better. I think it was his way of telling me he hated being there. You might also sign him up for a martial art for preschoolers. It helps teach self control and when it's appropriate it DEFEND yourself. I, personally, think it's every kids right to defend themselves or defend the innocent. I will teach my kids to never throw the first punch, but if someone hits them, to defend them selves with force!

I think you are doing the correct things with your son and it is good that you are working with his teacher. You might try giving him an object to hit when he is upset; like a pillow or balloon like character that falls and comes back up. If I were teaching that class I would keep the two boys separated and at any sigh of aggression redirect them to another activity that gets rid of the excess energy and aggression.
You have probably already received this same advice but I wish you luck and keep being consistent with your expectations of no hitting.

I think you are on the right path with working with him on alternative ways to handle physical agression/social frustration. I think that there is a lot of social/emotional learning that takes place in preschool that we as adults take for granted.

Although it is not acceptable for your child to hit, how the teacher redirects the behavior will help in the learning process. I had the situation at my son's first year of preschool where he chose to poke eyes to get the attention of his peers. They disciplined him (timeouts etc) but they did not work with him on practicing the appropriate social tools to replace the agression. Among several things, I went to our regional superintendent's office for resources. They directed me to some resources on social emotional learning. I later checked out the website - http://www.vanderbilt.edu/csefel/

I thought the website was helpful for figuring out ways to encourage appropriate social emotional responses. His behavior changed after I implemented some of them. When you said you worked on verbalizing did you role play? We role played with stuffed animals. I also sometimes placed my son in a situation and did something I knew he wouldn't like (like putting a puzzle together and taking the piece I knew he would want to put in) and worked with him on his response to this. The website has some good downloadable items as well.

Although I loved both preschool teachers I ended up switching him the second year because the preschool teachers did not have the skills to deal with more socially challenging behavior. Additionally, I discovered that he thrived in a more structured, organized environment where they build in time and rituals for transitions. I also had some one from our special service district observe him in his preschool setting. They found his behavior was the extreme side of normal preschool behavior but still normal.

Good luck. As a parent of a high energy physical boy I empathize with your frustrations.

Before I fell into all the parenting classes like 1-2-3 Magic, Common sense Parenting, and Love & Logic I tested the theory of you get what you give...perhaps a swat on his butt would be acceptable here and here's why I'm saying it...if he's NEVER experieced getting hit, then how can he know the pain that he is inflicting? Now, I'm NOT saying do this all the time, I mean to do it as an attention getter, something he is definitely NOT expecting from you. 1-2-3 says not to treat them like little adults but this was the ONLY way I could teach my son to "to unto others as you would have them do unto you". I very calmly and simply asked him how he felt when he was hit? Did he think his friend felt that same way? Did he LIKE having friends? Because if he continued this behavior he would definitely NOT have any friends (which happen to be very important when it comes time for a birthday party- sneaky but effective). After your talk he should be made to approach the boy and apologize for his behavior.

Also, if this other boy IS the instigator then the daycare should be well aware of this (and if they aren't make them aware) and the boys should DEFINITELY be separated and kept as far apart as possible. I still feel that some kind of aggressive therapy needs to be applied here...hitting a pillow, pounding play-doh, throwing a koosh ball at the wall (in a corner by himself), etc. Just SOMETHING that he can take his aggession out on until he can cool down. You might also work with him on some simple breathing exercises to help him calm down. Bottom line is you need to talk with him to find out WHAT is triggering this reaction so that he will become more aware of it and have the ability to walk away before he starts blowing his top. This article has some helpful suggestions http://www.ehow.com/how_###-###-####_angry-child.html#

Finally, getting your child more involved in sports may also help with the agression and frustration. Sports like soccer and football require a certain amount of those emotions and also are challenging enough to wear him out to exhaustion so that the frustration level to fight is no longer there. Good luck!

Since you and your family and the pre-school teacher have tried everything and it has not worked in return let your son see how it feels to be hit by someone that is angry or mad.

Good Morning K., I am so sorry this is happening with you little guy. I am hoping the teacher informed the other mom that her son was instigating some of the problems also. How your son reacts to them is wrong though. I would try really hard to keep the two apart in class as much as possible. Don't allow them to interact with each other. Tell your son the little boy is afraid of him and that is not good either. He doesn't want to come to school to learn anymore. Because he is afraid he is going to be hit.
He needs to be friends and not hit if he is up set. Keep your conversation with him clear and easy to understand. There are consquences to his actions.

If he misbehaves in school when he gets home he stays in his room as a type of grounding.
If at all possible maybe you could take some time off your job for an hour or so and stay in the class or observe what is happening. Does your son like School? If he does, then that could be one thing he would not be able to do for a day or so. With the understanding his behavior (hitting pushing etc.) STOPS!

Best always to you K., been there to, Gr son acussed of biting a child, HE didn't but that was his last day at preschool. He is 4 now and in Pre-K and is loving it doing Great!!

God Bless you always
K. Nana of 5
PS some of the advice given came from my 10 yo Gr daughter Tia. No school today so Nana gets her girl!! *smiling*

Two thoughts, but not sure either will work for you. :) But possibly different ways to look at the behaviors...

1) This only works if he hits you, of course... but with my daughter I was so frustrated with her continuing to do it. She only hit me, but man it was getting bad. So one time after she hit me, I wouldn't let her come near me for quite awhile - saying I did not want to be around people that hit. I also said different times, "I'm afraid you're going to hit me." Or "I don't want to be hit." I didn't banish her to the other room, just created a bubble (just outside of any real game we could play together). I played it up too. "I sure would like to play X but I'm too afraid I'm going to be hit." It took about a week or maybe two, but I think she's only hit me once in the last 6mos.

2) Try watching, "The Dog Whisperer" on NatGeo channel. Of course, it's dogs... but I find a lot of his advice useful for children. The one I most specifically am referencing here is identifying the behavior early and snapping him out of it. Before he hits. Look for cues that he is escalating and addressing it then. It sounds so basic here but I think if you watch the show a bit you'll see the nuance of what I cannot explain here. The change in energy....the slight adjustment of the eyes...whatever his cue is.

Good luck! Kids are so different, nothing ever fits for everyone. I'm sure you'll find what works for you though.