4.5 Yr Old Teasing/ Taunting 2.5 Yr Old - What to Do?

He sounds like he is jealous. Take some time and dedicate it to him. Take him outfor ice cream or something. He may think that he isn't important and needs attention. And wants any kind of attention is good to him. I don't know what else you can do.

My son is almost 5 and has never ever treated his younger sister that way. I think if he did there would be swift and harsh consequences so that he would think twice about doing it again.
He does at times make a bad decision where the result is pain inflicted upon one of his siblings but I think he does those things unintentionally or without any thought. I chock it up to him being a boy.
Now with that being said, it sounds as if your son is doing these things intentionally and that is unacceptable! I think I would handle it by putting him first in timeout. If that was not effective I would put him in his room. If that didn't work and he continued to repeat the behavior I would actually give him a spanking. He cannot continually and intentionally hurt his defenseless baby sister nor torment her. After each and every step of the punishment I would give him a stern lecture about family structure and how his "Job" as an older brother is to protect and take care of his baby sister and to never ever let anyone hurt her or be mean to her.
I can only imagine your frustration but I think that if you handle this behavior in the same consistent manor each and every time, it will quickly come to an end.

Have you taught him instead.... how to be a 'sibling?'
That "family" is watching out for each other and taking 'care' of each other?
That she is a baby... and cannot do what he does?
She is not a 'toy?'

I have a sibling that was like that. It was so hard, being at the end of the stick like that.
Once she became an adult, after ALL those many years, she told me that she was actually Jealous of me and resented me. So she took things out on me. Meanwhile, it was really miserable being at the end of her meanness. Sure, my parents did what they could to make her learn. But still, she just erroneously thought, that she was de-throned and that I was the 'favorite' even though that was not true.

Have you ever... just talked 'with' your son, about his place in the family, about his place in your heart, about HIM and what is going on? Have you asked him WHY he does all those things?

Currently, reacting to him and punishing him and scolding him... does not work. Maybe because, there are other issues. And that is why he is so mean to his sister.

At this age, they do know right/wrong. Many kids are in school at this age... and they do grasp basic concepts of meanness and that it is not appropriate.

Sometimes also, an 'Eldest' sibling has SO many 'expectations' upon them... and are 'suddenly' expected to act all 'grown-up'... but they are not. So parental expectations upon them and how they really are developmentally... is not congruous. And then Eldest takes things out on the younger sibling. Taking frustrations out, on another.

I assume he is getting lots of attention. But right now it is 'negative' attention. Maybe he just wants attention. Period. Even if it is via scolding.

And, a 2 year old, is not old enough to defend themselves, intellectually or emotionally. So you have to watch out for her too. It sucks... being in that position. I know. That is how one of my siblings, was. To me.

Instead of reacting to him... try appealing to his emotions/sense of security/sense of self and whether he is getting what he needs. As a child of 4 years old. Maybe he needs more attentiveness? More one on one time? More, of something? Try finding what that is.

He should go to his room or time-out, separate them... and reinforce the behaviors of how he should treat her. Help him learn how to help and play, and what her cues are. He should also apologize and hug and kiss her where he hurt her. Teach him how to protect and care for her and introduce games and activities they can play together. Also, give him things he can do independently, like tracing letters or puzzles at the table.

Dr. Sears has some excellent advice here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

He has some good advice on the physical aggression issue as well:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063900.asp#T062400

He'll have to stop his behavior on YOUR cues. Just as you have to teach him how to behave with friends and neighbors, you have to teach him how to behave with family members, even (or especially?) if they're smaller than he is.

If your son is not listening to you, he's thinking you don't mean what you say. He's testing you, not his sister. You'll have to step up to the challenge and tolerate nothing. Be prepared to cancel activities and have a very loose schedule for a while, because you'll have to take action with him every single time, right at the time - no exceptions. It may be harder on you (in a way) than it is on him.

Be firm and mean business, but don't lecture. I can't tell you exactly WHAT consequence he should have, but it should be something he'll get tired of very soon.

Give him one-on-one attention - read to him, take him to the playground, talk with him, listen to him - so he'll know he's still an important family member. He needs to know he's special (even though Sister is special, too).

You could also try rewarding him when he shows good behavior toward his sister. But be prepared for (possibly) more testing. Your bright son might think, "OK, Mama rewarded me, so I'm off the hook." He needs to find out that it's his better behavior that gets the reward - otherwise, it's same old, same old. You want him to get tired of this "tease the baby" game. REALLY tired.

Wow, this sounds like my kids! My son just turned 6 and my daughter is 2.5 and he acts the same way. We've always had a hard time with him understanding his limits but we believe the jealousy has pushed him to bully his sister. We correct the behavior (redirection and verbal scolding) and use the situation as a queue to provide more one on one attention with him and to identify more instances to give him praise - after a few days of making this a priority we often see his behavior on an upswing. Always be on the lookout to praise him for good work/behavior, especially with his sister or friends, and be sure to explain, in little kid's terms, what the specific behavior he did that was so great.

I really appreciated SH's information and believe it to be great insight into what is going on with our kids.

hang in there :)

Once again, I am advocating empathy. Teach your son what it feels like to be the little sister. When he takes her toys, sit down with him and ask him if you took his toys, how would he feel. If he ignors the "talk", then the next time he takes sister's toy, take his. If he's withholding her toy, withhold his. Also, if he ignors what she says to him, then the next time he speaks to you, ignor him for a while. then say, oh, I guess this is how sister feels when you ignor her. I know this sounds harsh and a lot of people will probably not agree, but children need to learn empathy. If they don't have empathy has children, they will not have empathy as adults and our society is in a lot of trouble already with our non-feeling younger generation. Teach your child to feel like he's making others feel so he will not want to do that to people and he will learn to put himself in other people's shoes.

I suggest giving him more 1:1 time. My 3-yr-old son started doing all the things you mentioned to his 1-yr-old sister in the last few months, probably because he now sees her as a real person, capable of eating his food and taking his toys. He sees her as a threat, and he likes swiping things out of her hand - probably gives him a sense of authority and importance. Time-outs work briefly in the moment but does not end the behavior. Punitive punishment does not work well for my son because he is sensitive and cries easily. I find that giving him more individualized attention helps him overcome his insecurities, which leads to less aggression towards his sister. Good luck, this stage in their lives can be challenging!

Any reaction from you that he sees as punishment is probably only going to make the situation worse. My suggestion is that you try to arrange what you are doing during the day so that you can be present wherever they are playing at all times. Give them attention and let him know that you are watching so that he'll be less likely to pick on the sister. You can take work that you need to do with you.. for instance, sitting watching them while you are folding laundry... so that you won't feel like you are losing the opportunity to get your work done. I have even carried a pan and potatoes into the playroom and peeled potatoes while watching the children. It takes some creative thinking to figure it out, but I'm sure you can find a way.