The Aggressive Younger Brother.

I haven't read all of the responses, but I agree with the poster that said, "Swift and immediate punishment; no other chances". In my home, if the behavior includes inflicting pain of any kind on someone else, it is immediate time out. I have a 2 year old (2 plus almost 3 months) that is more aggressive, usually, than her sister, plus I have to sit in the doorway to keep her in her time out quite frequently. Consistency is the key.

Swift and immediate punishment. Remove him from the situation, explain any violence is inappropriate, then have him sit in a time out - by himself, in a corner, in a quiet room is absolutely necessary. If he refuses to sit, sit in a chair with him and hold him there.

My advice is do not give him three chances, do not give him any chances EVER. If he behaves like this, he is done. You have to be firm about it.

Do not yell or carry on or act like he is. It will only make him do it more as he's seeing you as an example to follow. Just grab him - harshly if you have to - sit him down and tell him he is NEVER, NEVER, NEVER allowed to do that again.

Also - I would start a reward system. For example, if he goes one full day without behaving mean towards his brother, he gets a piece of candy (or a treat) after dinner and so does the brother. "Both of you are such good boys!"

If he misbehaves, he gets a time-out and neither of them get candy.

Soon, he'll start getting pressure from the older brother to behave well also because both of them want the candy treat.

Try the reward system for one month and see what happens - I've seen it in action and am AMAZED at the results.

Good luck!

Please read Parenting With Dignity and Parenting With Dignity - The Toddler Years. This approach is based on prevention rather than punishment. This is about pre-teaching the behavior you want and expect, rather than waiting for behavior you don't want and then having to punish it. This is a wonderful parenting program. My husband and I read and re-read to help us parent our four children.

Is he always physical, even when he's not aggressive? Does he try to pick up heavy things, not know when he's in someone else's space, need lots of exercise and lots of hugs? talk to someone (pediatrician, preschool teacher, occupational therapist) about sensory processing disorder. That said, don't let the behavior go unpunished. therapy for SPD is preventive -- get the kid the stimulation he needs, so he can use this energy in positive ways.
good luck!

Rachel,

I think there is something to be said about the dynamics of the family and birth order. my 2nd daughter is more aggressive than her sister. I notice that she is really only like this with her sister (1st born). I'm not quite certain why this is, and i've tried to understand...

i can say, try to see the actions of both kids objectively... you may not believe that your oldest is being aggressive, and he's probably not, but sometimes the 2nd child feels a need to be more assertive, maybe because they are bossed around or the 1st child gets more privelidges (sp?)...?? that's sometimes the case with my kids...

all that being said,... you already know this i'm sure, but you definitely need to punish this behavior. whatever method you choose, or whatever works for him, but definitely don't let it go. It is not ok behave this way - no matter what the reason behind it is. I dont think there is a quick fix here either - i've been correcting this behavior in my daughter for darn near 9 years... she slips sometimes and forgets that she can't just reach out and push her sister for grabbing the toothpaste first... i am hoping that when she matures a little the thought process will click and she'll learn to control her emotions a little better - some adults can't do this and tho nobody is perfect at this, he needs to at least learn there are consequences for his actions.

good luck!

Kids come in all shapes and sizes. They are also born with different temperments. Your little guy may just be a little more aggressive than his brother. He is still learning right from wrong. Give time outs for 3 minutes everytime he is aggressive. Also, teach your 6 year old to tell his brother "NO" and "That is not nice". This is not the first "bully" he will encounter in his live. Like some of the other moms have said, use some Supernanny techniques. As a family establish some "House Rules" and post them somewhere so everyone can see. Make them simple and try to keep them positive. Example : BE NICE TO YOUR BROTHER instead of "NO HITTING". I have the opposite...My older son is more aggressive. However, my younger son idolizes him so he is started to copy him. We Do all lot of time outs. Good Luck!

You and these children need to watch Supernanny. I believe it is on tonight. If not, it's on tomorrow. Channel 7 WLS t.v. She's the best I've ever seen because everything she does, WORKS! (as long as the parent doesn't think they know their child better). Misbehaving children are all alike! They"re looking for ttention. Please watch. I've learned sooo much from her and didn't have to read a book to learn something that doesn't work for my (3rd sense) child.

Hi R.,
I think it is important to remember that how you react will show your children what behavior is acceptable.
I will explain (as I am removing my child) that hitting, kicking, etc. is not acceptable and that it important to be a good friend. When they have sat by themselves "and had time to think" they must then ask whomever they hurt if they need anything (ice pack, tissue etc) and say sorry.
It doesn't always go smooth but I'm working on not raising my voice and teaching the kids at the same time.
Hope this helps!

You going to have to advice your 6 yr. old to defend himself. Let him know that he is older and that he does not have to take that from his younger brother. I had to learn that the hard way when I was younger. My sister is 3 years older than me, and I use to hit her all the time, until my mom told my sister to hit me back. I believe that was the last time I hit my sister. I have three boys at home (age 12, 5 going on 6 in May, and 3). My 3 year old always hits on my 5 year old. I had to give my 5 year old the same advice that my mom told my sister. My 3 year old still tries to hit my 5 year old from time to time, but he is more cautious now since my 5 year old is defending himself. Boys are always more aggressive than girls, so they will fight, but you still have to disciplin them when things get out of hand. You also need to pray about it.

God bless,
A concerned mother

Shawna C couldn't have said it any better. I would do the same thing as her and you should see less aggression. Plus, I would maybe spend more one-on-one time with the 3 year old. Maybe he is aggressive towards his brother because he feels his brother gets more positive attention than he does. So, maybe having some "date nights" for the two of you would be good. And, make sure you are consistent with the time outs. Finally, make sure you praise him and acknowledge when he is doing positive things.

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. i cannot begin to imagine the stress that this has on you and your family.

Homeopathy can help your son "cool his jets." homeopathy is a natural medicine and can help the body heal and get back into balance so his aggression subsides and a more loving person is revealed. homeopathy doesn't change a person, just helps get harsh emotional swings get better. homeopathy can help that plus any other physical problems he might have (e.g. eczema, allergies, asthma, etc.).

Our homeopathic Dr. is in Naperville (www.dupagehomeopathic.com). You can email your son's situation to her and she can tell you if homeopathy can help you. ____@____.com
If you would like to see a list of other homeopathic dr.s in chicagoland, email me offlist.

I read a great article that is very near your son's situation where the younger sister was abusive to the older sister and had many tantrums. They sought help from a homeopathic Dr. and the remedy helped the little girl become much less aggressive and have fewer tantrums with less severity. Here is the article, but you might not be able to read it (membership requirement, etc.): http://nationalcenterforhomeopathy.org/members/ht_online/...
If you email me offlist, I can cut/paste the article and send it to you.
Best wishes!

Hello i have two children my little girl is 4 and my little boy is 3. I found my son having the same problems and even punching adults and things. I found through monitoring him that most of the violence was caused by some of the cartoons he watched on tv. After not allowing him to watch the cartoons that he loved anymore and inforcing time outs and talks that hitting is not okay he has cut out most of it. He was watching mostly cartoon network cartoons and seems to try to be like the cartoons. I hope this is helpful to you because i know how hard that situation is.

Try a little Supernanny. Read the book though. Her show is ok, but it goes on a case-by-case basis, where as the book has a chapter for everything. He sounds like he has little sense of empathy at this point. He hopefully will develop it soon. In the mean time, he's going to need rules and boundaries with clear and consistent consequences for every negative action. He may have rules now, but something is missing for him to act this way.

My stepson started exhibiting the same behavior at age 3 when he lived with his mother. He was removed from 5 daycares in a period of about 6 months for aggressive behavior such as hitting, kicking, biting, throwing things, especially when things were not going his way or he was being told to do something he didn't want to do, at transitional times, having a squabble over a toy, etc. This aggression was directed at other children, the teachers, even at me. When he came to live with us (mom gave up on him), we immediately had him evaluated by the special ed people in our public school system (by this time he was 4.5 and in pre-k). He was diagnosed with sensory integration deficiencies and required occupational therapy. It's hard to explain, but sometimes these kids cannot process their position in space and have personal space issues. Then when they are overstimulated, they just act out very impulsively out of nowhere. Punishment does not work and rewards do not work because we tried every approach we could think of and nothing worked. Because the reactions were so impulsive, there’s no time for the child to think about the consequences of his actions. I would suggest discussing this possibility with your doctor.

I didn't get to read through everyone's response, so this might be redundant. I have this problem with my 3 year old son toward his 1 year old sister. He will hit or hurt her for no apparent reason. Just a couple days ago they were playing nicely together when he suddenly took her hand in his and kissed it. Before I even finished thinking "I wish I had a picture of that" he bit her hard on the arm leaving a mark. I deal with these things by lavishing attention on the "hurt" child and sending the aggressive child immediately (and unemotionally) to his room. I don't yell and scream or ask "why would you do that?" I just say "Do not hurt people. Go to your room". I always go to the hurt child first to comfort them so that he sees the child get comforted.

You've got to crack down on him and send him to time out. It's great that his older brother is such a sweet kid, he's being a good example to your younger son. Don't allow your younger son to treat his older brother with disrespect. He needs to learn how to get along with people and this is unacceptable. My youngest son has ADD and he was difficult to handle when he was little, I had to watch him constantly. He is a great kid now and many people comment on how kind he is to people. Just keep up the discipline it pays off.

Sibling rivalry is a very real thing. Everybody has experienced it if they have a brother or sister. Of course, you must find a way to discipline your child, but to my mind that means teaching him right from wrong which is not the same as punishing him. He is still quite young. I would urge you not to reciprocate with the same behaviour as one parent suggested because that will merely confuse him. Children learn by example. Also do not make the mistake of thinking that his reasoning processes are even remotely like yours at his age. I would definitely read up on developmental stages and sibling relationships.

Hi R.,
Your 3 year old may be AD/HD. Do some research & make an appointment with his Dr. for evaluation. If he is, it does not mean he needs to be medicated. There are a lot of alternatives to meds. Also, diet plays a big part in behavior. Simple carbs, sugar & anything with high fructose corn syrup can generate aggressive outbursts. I know it's hard with toddlers, but try & have him eat more protein, complex carbs, fresh fruits & veggies. It really does work.