My usually sweet and well-behaved (for a 5 y-o boy!) son has been a nightmare to deal with for the last couple of weeks. He graduated from the preschool he has attended for the last three years about a week before this behavior started and has been going to camp (starting this past week) at the preschool along with his closest friends. Next year he is going to a K (where he really wanted to go) that shares a campus with his preschool (though it's a totally different school). Lots of his pals from his preschool will be joining him there, too. However, his three best friends and another close friend are going to different Ks. He has mentioned being sad about this, and I have talked to him about setting up play dates with these kids and what else we can do to help (and about understanding how sad it is when you know you won't see a good friend as often as you once did). My son has been sooo difficult compared to how he usually behaves. He is talking back so much more, not accepting responsibility for his actions (it's because you/Daddy were rude! etc.), refusing to do his morning routine (which he used to do w/out a problem), etc. I'm trying to show him as much empathy as possible while still maintaining boundaries about what constitutes acceptable behavior. I get that he is 5, but things have really escalated over the last couple of weeks. Again, I suspect that he is having difficulty with his transition to K, even though he says he is excited for his new school. I have tried to encourage him to let me know what's going on, but, not surprisingly, he's not giving me much to work with. Btw, his close friends who will not be with him next year are all at his camp. Help and thanks!
Quick update -- When I posted this request, I had only spoken to my son about feeling sad the one time he himself brought it up with me. I am definitely not dwelling on the sadness or making more of it. I have spoken to him about his behavior -- why it isn't ok, how I feel when he is mean to me, and whether he knows why he is acting this way. That's where, understandably, I don't get much of a response. Sorry that I wasn't clearer in the original post.
Why not entertain the idea of sending him to the kindergarten where his good friends are. If you feel this is the problem,it might be worth considering.
Of course every child is different, so anything is possible, but my take on this is that it has nothing to do with his transition to the new K.
It would be unusual for a child his age to be so concerned about something that is so far in the future (2 months is a long time at 5), especially when right now things haven't changed at all -- he's still seeing his friends every day.
So the behavior is probably just coincidental -- something he is trying out at the moment.
I think you can over-discuss things with kids. Their feelings should be acknowledged, of course, but briefly, so they understand this is really not a big deal. The conversation should be something like, "Yes, it is sad that you won't be going to school with Jimmy and Bobby, but we will make play dates with them so you will still get to see them a lot." You don't really need to say much more than that, especially since right now he is still seeing them every day.
If the "sadness" of the situation is over-discussed the child will begin to think this new situation is going to be a lot worse than it really is. I remember one time my oldest son, who had never been afraid of shots, and had never even cried after he received one, was about to get a booster. I told the nurse when she asked that he was fine with shots, but then she began to try to warn and soothe him anyway for about 3 minutes. Well by the time she was done talking he was TERRIFIED of the needle and screaming and trying to get away. Less is often way more with kids.
So if the subject of the new K comes up again, don't make a big deal about it. Just remind him of what's good now.
As far as his behavior goes, it doesn't sound terrible, just typical 5 year old testing stuff that is difficult and exhausting to deal with.
p.s. - Not to stereotype, but boys often don't share their feelings, so like you said, it's not surprising that he's not giving you much to go on. That won't likely change much over the course of his childhood.
I agree with Page W. I work in a first grade classroom part time and I have seen well meaning parents over-think and over-worry transitions. We had a mother in tears earlier in the year because her daughter's very best friend was moving away and she was convinced her daughter was going to be devastated (she wasn't.) Another mom thought her son would have a hard time coming back after being out for over two weeks due to a surgery (he didn't.)
Kids really do live in the here and now so just focus on that and don't even talk about starting school in the fall (unless your child brings it up, and even then, don't dwell on it too much.)
His "difficult" behavior simply sounds like normal development. He's growing up and he will start to question and challenge you more and more (just wait til he's 12, now that's a scary age!!!)
Hope this helps...have a great summer!
p.s. a few years ago my son (now 15) told me he was originally excited to be going to first grade until the principal came in on his last day of kindergarten and gave the class a "pep" talk about how much they had grown and that they were now expected to be big, responsible first graders...so sometimes even the pros miss the mark!
It sounds like the typical 5 yr old just seeing how far he can piudsh the boundaries so stick with how you expect him to be or behave. Get some learning workbooks and have him sit with you do learn like in school. He will be fine and adjust to K just fine without the other kids. He is learning how to push the boundaries and get away with things and will continue to try so just stick with making him do what he is supposed to.
As the mother of a 5 year old (almost 6), preschool transition can be tough for little ones. I would ask him during a quiet moment between then two of you about what is going on with him. I also started planning 2 or 3 play dates with his best buds at a time so stuff is the calendar because they usually fill up fast. I also found (and asked other parents who had the same experiences) that play dates and birthday party invites just didn't come during kindergarten. My son is a very active and well-liked boy but we only had one play date and one birthday party invite the whole school year! Not to scare you off but those preschool buddies are often lifelong friends.
It sounds like, from your addendum, you're leaning in the 'talk-about-it-less' direction, but as a family therapist, I'd say talk about it more-- kids don't have the words to say what they're feeling, so their only choice is to act out. Your son just went through one huge change-- leaving his preschool-- and is facing another. Comments like, 'You may be nervous about kindergarten' or 'it's normal to miss your old school' will get you further than you might expect.
Good luck!
I wonder if the end of the year, and thus a change in routine, may be part of the problem. My 5 year old just graduated preschool two weeks ago, I have been noticing that she is having some difficulty with the change. She is noticably more tired and grumpy, eventhouhg her sleep schedule is the same. I'm thinking she is "coming down" from the whirlwind of the end of the year excitement. That being said, she is 5 and does have bouts of attitude these days. Give it a little bit, and see if he settles into the summer routine.
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http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_d?url=search-alias%3Dap...
http://www.vsmileshop.com/index.html?gclid=CJrRmLT42JICFR... plus they are at walmart n kaymart in the toy section, but sometimes online has better deals..P. R. good luck hope it helps!
I don't think your son is actually having issues with preschool ending since he is going to a summer session at the same location with essentially the same kids. I don't think he is having anxiety over kindergarten and who's going to be there and who isn't because at this point in time, that's an abstract concept he probably doesn't grasp. It sounds like to me he's growing up. Being five is a transition age. they go from being a baby/toddler to being a big kid. they are not quite sure what's expected of them or how to achieve that which is expected. It is at this time that you need to really guide him. I understand that you've talked to him about his behavior and that's great. But not time for talking is over and it's time for mom to show him who's still boss and how he is expected to behave. You should not allow ANY backtalk at all. the only thing he is allowed to say when you tell him to do something, is "yes, mom" or "yes'ma'am" or "Okay" or something affirmative like that. Anything else earns him a consequence. When you tell him to do something, tell him one time only. After that, implement a consequence. He has already figured out how many times you will tell him something before you take any action and I bet he makes you tell him that many times every time you tell him to do something. Do not explain yourself or why you've told him to do something - at this age he only needs to know that mom said do it and it should be done. Period. He is five and not entitled to a detailed explanation each time he's asked to do something. Kids are very smart and very intuitive. If he thinks you are feeling sorry for him on any level, he will use that to his full advantage. I know there are others out there who believe we should explain everything to our children but in my experience that only invites a bunch of backtalk, argument and an attempt at negotiating my instructions. It is very frustrating and doesn't accomplish anything especially with a five year old. Good luck!
My opinion is this is about the ending of pre-k. My daughter just finished 1st gr. and we have had pushing back, tone, etc. more, as well. We have this at the end of each year (since 4 yrs old). She is excited to go to 2nd. She's excited 1st ended because it means she has grown up.
Change is difficult for everyone. When she gets like this, I have quiet talks with her about her changes. These seem to help. Maybe it's just that I'm helping her own her own sense of unsure about the change. I don't know, but once we talk (snuggled up at night), it gets better. Yes, sometimes we have to talk about it over and over. I talk about how I'm feeling about changes coming up, (I'm a teacher in her school.) and how they make me feel a bit edgy. The other day I was a little short in my reply (I had 800 things to get done, one being report writing, and had been interrupted 900 times.) and she said, "Mommy, is there something about this change bothering you. Your tone was a little sharp." I hate it when my words come back to bite me. I apologized for my tone and explained that I needed 30 more minutes to finish the report I was writing. She said she'd play Add It! her side and mine. She's keep me posted on how I was doing.
Take it out, offer ideas. He might not have the words to articulate what he's feeling.
Stephanie
