5 Year Old Daughter's Anger Issues

I want to say my girl friend's daughter had this phase too when she started school. She was doing naughty things too like coloring magic marker on the carpet. She was firm, but patient...there were consequences given in a patient and calm manner....she did out grow this phase...I believe she talked with her daighter's school and they gave her some tips too!
Good Luck...A glimpse into teenagerhood! :)

First off, if she's going to talk to you like that, I'd take her ballet away! When you do things, ask her if she'd like to help you bake the cake or look at her homework. Include her in things first before she throws a tantrum. If she still gives you a hard time, put her in time-out. Remember...you are the parent!!! Just my advice, I don't know how it is because I only have a 6 month old daughter. My time will come, right?

Does she act like this with other people or only you? Are you consistent with her? Or do you say things and NEVER follow through? Children like consistency and they LOVE to test us! Be firm and consistent with her. Dont let her get away with something one time and punish her the next. Try to find out why she acts so mad at you. She is young but try to talk to her. Let her know her behavior is unacceptable and let her know the next time she says, does, acts etc in an unacceptable manner that she will be punished. Then follow through with it. Because she WILL test you. I have two boys and they are so different from girls. But get a handle on her now. Good luck!!

Hi A.,
Get 2 empty jars & label one "nice" & one "not nice" & a bag of her favorite small candy (M & M's, Skittles, Jelly Beans) or coins (which ever is more motivating). When she throws a fit &/or yells, put a candy in the "not nice" jar. When she tells you she's not happy with something in an appropriate manner than take a candy from the "not nice" jar & put it in the "nice" jar. At the end of the week she can have all the candy or money from the "nice" jar. Also make sure she sees both jars and understands what they mean. Make sure you praise her everytime she responds in a nice way. To make sure she understands consequences of her behavior you need to do the jar thing & also not let her do the thing she is having a fit about. If she is yelling about not getting to help with the cake than she needs to be told that she can't help until she calms down & says "please can I help you Mommy". Stick to your guns & stay consistent. I know it's sometimes easier to give in just to calm them down & keep the peace, but you can't do that. Let her have her fit & ignore her until she says "sorry" & then uses her nice words to express herself. It may be rough in the begginning, but she will stop when she realizes she's not going to get her way with bad behavior

No MOM, it's a control thing.

Unfortunately, she's got your number. What order of child is she? Also, is she in Kindergarten? If so, does she act out like this with anyone else or just you? How about Dad?

I had some issues with my 5year old boy it started aabout the second week of kindergarten. My advice is this: On the spot immediate action needs to be taken, now. Once my guy realized I was serious, it stopped. I'm not a tyrant, but I won't let my boys call the shots. My husband was on board with me and let me take the lead, since he's working and I'm at home. My house, my rules.

We all try to make sure our children understand our actions, but it's a two way street and you are the parent. She needs to be put on the spot and made (nicely) to explain herself and her actions.

Yeah, I know, she's 5. Okay, a special time out spot is going to be needed. Try the bathroom, it's really boring in there.

As soon as she begins, stop her. Address her like a stranger child, she won't expect it. Don't use her name. Say something like this- "excuse me little girl, this is my home and this is not how my children are allowed to behave. why do you think it's okay to act like this"

She'll look at you like you're nuts.
Now you have her attention.
Now you're in control.

Set down some rules- in writing, with a positive and negative column. So many in either will result in a ...
Make sure everyone follows them everyday. No exceptions.

Start real action. Start by taking away or suspending the things she likes to do. Organize her day to your schedule and what's best for you. Once she sees her actions and reactions are a negative, she will have to turn it around or loose out.

I know this sounds stupid but is she getting enough sleep?

Good luck-kate

I don't want to be rude or assume too much, but do want to be honest with you about what I feel like i am reading in your question.
When your daughter "yells" at you, try not responding to it with an explanation. When she says "You were making a cake without me!" You say "It is not OK for you to talk to me like that." If you start discussing why you were making the cake without her, it shows her that you are required to explain yourself to her. YOU ARE NOT! You are the mom! If you wish to make a cake, you make a cake. You are not required to ask her permission!!! And you aren't even required to ask her to do it with you!
There is a difference between keeping your patience and "under-reacting". If your daughter disrespects you, punish her in a way that she will understand that is not acceptable--take away a favorite thing for a few days, no TV etc. When you tell her you don't like her behavior and she responds that you don't like her, that is her way of making your back pedal--not all of a sudden she is disrespectful and you are APOLOGIZING to her. You can say "*Child's NAme* you are still disrespecting me. I am going to make this cake without you until you can apologize and show respect for your mother." When she apologizes (and at first this could take a lot of time...even days...but don't let her participate in those activities until she does!) then you tell her that you love her very much etc. But she knows this: saying she thinks you hate her is a clever way to get you to soften...she knows it works.
When something like the egg situation happens...another "go to your room" moment! A child should NEVER "pull" things out of your hands!!! She is taking control--and you can take it back :) Remember that you are teaching her tools for the outside world: how will school react when she starts grabbing things away from another student...or a teacher!?!? This is the time to teach her that you don't, under ANY circumstances, GRAB!

I would also suggest that you watch the Super Nanny...I know it sounds like a cheesy thing to say, but actually I have learned a lot from her about how to overcome a stubborn child who has learned ways to take control. You want your children to be happy, so you explain yourself to them or give in a lot...I am guilty of that plenty! But we have to remember that when we do that, we are doing our children NO favors...they are just learning that a temper tantrum or harsh words gets them anything they want. There are three grown men in my life that act this way: it is embarrassing! My 26 year old brother still does it...this is why he can't hold a job. When he was younger the whole family organized themselves around his tantrums and then one day he had to go to work...they did not react well to his tantrums and he never understands why people don't give him what he wants when he wants it.
Anyway, I am going on and on. Take control: you will be doing your daughter a HUGE favor and making your life MUCH easier. DEMAND that she respect you and behave :) GOOD LUCK!

In my opinion, it is a girl thing (I have 3 girls). You know what, I'm the parent and I have every right in the world to look at their school work or talk to them about things whether they like it or not. My kids know this.

"Go have a fit in your room." is a phrase that my girls have heard many times. "You can come out when you can be civil." is another. Sometimes that means they are in their rooms until the next day. My oldest never wants to give me an inch. That's fine. I know that this is temporary.

When my kids accuse me of not liking them, I turn to them and say, "I will always love you, but you are correct. Right now, I don't like your behavior (or attitude). And that's okay. I'm going to do things that make you not like me. And that's okay. We can argue and disagree about things and still be a loving family."

Good luck!

I had a similar problem with my stepdaughter last year when she was six, and it still happens (although she doesn't throw a temper tantrum, she just gets silent and obstinent).

I guess kids at that age want independence and also to help. My stepdaughter still gets mad if you try to show her something, and then ALSO mad when she does it herself and it doesn't work out. For example, she wanted to play Guitar Hero but didn't want me to show her how to play (let ME do it!). When she went to play she kept losing and she got mad and started to throw the guitar (luckily I caught it before she did.)

We curbed a lot of it by really focusing on how she could help, and by not correcting her AT THE TIME SHE DID THEM. For example, we have her make her bed. At first she did it really sloppy, but we said nothing and just praised her effort. Then at a completely different time we showed her how we make OUR bed (not mentioning how she could do it, just how we did it). The next day she made her bed much better! We try to have her only do things that we don't care if she doesn't do right, or we go back and redo it when she's not around. We separate the teaching moments from the doing moments because she gets upset if we tell her she didn't do it right—she feels unappreciated and like she's not good enough.

Right now it's not about learning how to do things right, it's about her feeling like she's getting to be more independent. Much more time later to teach her slowly how to make a bed.

I also have her teach ME things. Maybe you could have her show you some things she can do.

I also let her fall or fail if it won't hurt her. Those teaching moments are important too. Recently she dropped an egg (of course moments after I told her to dry her hands) and I just simply said "why did that happen?" and she said "because I didn't dry my hands like you said." Then I said "what are you going to do now?" and she said "clean it up." And she did!

Good luck!

P.S. I also want to add that we don't tolerate backtalk or disrespect for our things. She got punished for almost throwing the guitar. We try to make her understand she is loved, needed, her help is appreciated but disrespect toward anyone is unacceptable. If she's angry she needs to use words and tell us why "I'm angry because..." And we let her be angry, We tell her its OK to be angry, it's not OK to hurt others or things.

I Have the same issues with my daughter who is in first grade.She is six and I do think it is very much a girl thing.Just pick your battles. Give lots of encouagement. I thimk that part of it is that they wnat to be perfect and when it does not happen that way they just cant handle it. just be patient and stay strong this too shall pass.

Sit down with her and tell her that throwing temper tantrums is not the way to get attention and from now on you will not respond to her when she throws a fit. Then the hard part, do that! You might preface this by saying talking is a better way to get what you want, but sometimes just because you want something does not mean you must have it.

You have been teaching her to get attention by responding to the tantrums, it will take a while for her to test you and see if you mean it but stand firm on this! When she speaks to ypou in a normal tone of voice, respond appropriately, but if she is screaming you need to ignore it. That means if she does this tantrum thing in a store or when you are out you need to remove her from others. So be it. You are not doing her any favors by indulging her and you need to make sure the other adults around you are doing the same as you in order to break this behavior. Good Luck and have patience, it will take a while for her to unlearn this behavior.

My son is the oldest and he was nothing like that. His three younger sisters, though, are all headed down this same path. So maybe it is a girl thing. My girls seem to thirst for attention. They thrive in it. And they are so sensitive. I could see my oldest girl acting like yours with the ballet thing. I could see the middle one getting upset over the cake. It's tough sometimes and it's stressful. I think the first thing you should try is hugging her a lot and just talking to her. For example, with the cake you could try to say "I just wanted to get it started while you were practicing. I'm sorry that you are upset". and then hug her (if she'll let you). It seems like my daughters can't get enough of hugs, and hearing that I love them.

If that doesn't work, then it may be that she's testing her boundries to see what she can get away with. Then you need to let her know that her behavior is not acceptable. Again, with the cake, you can say "I'd love for you to help me make this cake but if you can't control yourself then you will have to go to your room instead".

I don't think that your or your daughter need counseling, but there's also nothing wrong with counseling. If nothing you try seems to help, it may be a good idea to find a good counselor and just go for a session or two to sort out the issues and maybe get some tips for dealing with your daughters anger. Good luck. I hope you find a peaceful solution. Parenting has to be the toughest job out there, and you are doing a wonderful job! It takes a Supermom just to keep your cool sometime! ;-)

My daughter is six, and has exhibited the same behavior you described since she was five. Last year, we went to a series of parenting classes through Tuesday's Child that helped improve her behavior and my responses. Another resource I used then and now is "Love and Logic" - there are books, tapes, etc. available through their website or at your local bookstore. I also repeatedly turn to books on the science on children's physical and emotional development. It allows me to see my daughter's stages as just that: stages that she will pass, and that are necessary for her to experience and grow out of. What matters is how we deal with these stages.

Hi A.. I have a 5 yr old boy who is also exhibiting this behavior, but on a much lighter scale (for now - hope it doesn't escalate). Maybe you can try being very firm with her, telling her that you love her but the behavior is unacceptable, and if she continues, she will be punished (and carry it through). It sounds like she's taking your "being patient" with her as acceptance of the behavior.
Regarding "instruction" I have the same problem as well. I can barely "advise" my son on anything. So I've refrained from advising unless I see that it's absolutely necessary.
Hope the info is helpful and good luck!
J.

I'm wondering given her age if she started kindergarten this year. That is a big adjustment and I know we went through some changes when my son started. It was an extremely different environment then preschool, plus he had homework and all that. (Stress? Sleep?)Do a combination of being more in tune with what she is going through but also drawing the line when she talks to you in inappropriate ways. She can sit alone until things can be discussed calmly. She doesn't get to tell you you can't look at her schoolwork, but you can do it in a nonthreatening way. Okay, now it's time to look at your schoolwork. Let's do it together. If that bothers her, the other choice is, I will look at it without you. It's part of my job as a mom. It is right? I think it's important to let kids know that some of the thinks parents do they may not like but it's because you love them, making them go to bed at a certain time, feeding them healthy foods, teaching them respect for others, etc. You aren't picking on her, you are teaching her.

I would certainly have her checked for ADHD, she has all the symptoms. I know this is treatable, in any case I would have her checked out by a doctor. D. S

Nobody needs a therapist, YET. If you continue to allow her to treat you this way, she will. You must put her in the naughty corner when she acts like this until she can apologize and give hugs and kisses; only then can she help bake a cake or do anything. Take the ballet shoes away and tell her she's DONE. Ballerinas don't act like that and put her in the naughty corner again. Make her stay there even if you have to put her there 50 times. You must remain the more stubborn one because she learned this behavior from someone. Does she treat her teacher this way or ballet instructor? Think about it and if you need parenting help watch Supernanny on A.B.C. Friday night before you do need a therapist. My prayers are with you and Happy Thanksgiving..a child is the best reason to be thankful.

my 6year old acted similar to this at age 5. We were on a family vacation and it was so embarassing to the others on our trip. I was mortified. He would talk back to me and throw these fits, trying to assert his independence etc. I was scared. would he be like this forever? No, my husband and I were very firm with him. stern talks, timeouts, taking things away when he would act up and it slowly stopped. I say you need to be firm, so she does not continue this type of behavior. I am sure it's a stagem, but you need to help her get through it. don't worry she doesnt hate you, that will probably come later in her teens- joke
good luck

Hi A.,
My 5 year old son has been doing many of the same things this year as well. Like with anyone he has his good days and his bad. Take a step back and look at everything that has changed in her life this year. Kidergarten is a big adjustment for many kids. This can be especially true for kids that are big into being active and being able to express their creativity whenever they feel the need. Although she may not show it and may be doing great in school I think she might be expereincing a big loss of indepenence (going from a play school setting or home setting to the structure of a classroon) On top of that, Up till now she's probably had you by her side every step of the way. Although my son is very outgoing and can make friends anywhere he goes, he's alway had mom or dad or his little sis as a "wingman." Also, check with her teacher and make sure everything is okay n school. Make sure you feel that her teacher sounds like she really knows personally who your daughter is. knew him after three months of being together. That might raise some red flags about where the behavior is coming from.
Just like any phase of our kids lives (and remember they've been on this earth such a short time)it will pass with a little help from you. Give her some space and lots of love. Make sure even when she's telling you how much you don't like her that you love her no matter what. Maybe even set aside a special time for just you and her each week as a reward for her when she shows some control over her emotions.
Here at home, I've learned to give up a little control of my own and it's made a big difference. Good Luck, and remember you know your kids better than anyone else. You'll get through it together. :)

There are several great parenting books that may help: "Unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn and "Smart Love" by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper. Also, Musikgarten inOak Park runs a great parenting class called Endzone and the teacher Dana Flynn Schneider is a child psychologist. You could also go for a consultation to her or to one of the psychologists at the Smart Love Family Services Center. I think they have two locations. It sounds like your little one is somewhat stressed and has issues surrounding control. but to properly diagnose the issues, I would talk to a professional. This doesn't mean that she has a particular mental health issue, it just means that she is having some challenge with normal development and sorting this out as early as possible will help you both develop the kind of relationship you wish for that involves less anger and more warmth.

I agree with a lot of the other posters that your daughter should not be yelling at you, and that is something that needs to be addressed. But, I also want to mention that it sounds like your daughter is going through something very common in little girls: asserting their new independence (aka. "cutting the apron strings"), and self discovery. If you search the internet, you'll find lots of articles on the subject (which is what I discovered after I found myself saying, "What happened to my sweet little girl?!").

The crying about the cake mix and grabbing the egg sounds like her effort to assert her independence (be a big kid/just like you). Her keeping her school work a surprise (although she gets upset) is her way of controlling her universe, her pride in "her" work, "her" things. I don't think she needs therapy, she sounds pretty normal to me.

It sounds like she might benefit from a schedule/routine. Perhaps establish you go through the backpack every day together after school over a snack? And when it is time for ballet practice, say "It is 4:00pm, now is the time to practice your ballet, would you like me to watch, or practice in the other room by yourself?" This way a routine is set, but she still feels like she has some control over her environment, which is important at this age.

When my daughter started yelling we nipped it in the bud ("That tone/yelling is unacceptable.") and she knows not to do it now. I feel your frustration, just keep in mind that it is common, and your daughter is normal!

Good luck,
M.

when she is calm you need to tell her the rules. You repect your mom. When she yells- you put her in time out and then talk to her when time out is over about what it means to respect people- no yelling, hitting etc.. when children have boundaries and know what to expect it really helps them with their emotions. I did not always do this and my son had huge anger issues- thats better but its still pretty negative. we do see a counselor for him and I have learned not to dismiss his feelings. if he says I hate him- I just respond I am sorry you feel that way... later when he is doing well I tell him over and over how proud I am of him. how much I love him and at bedtime we sometimes read books about caring etc.. I do not think its a girl thing- I see both boys and girls do this and as a nurse in a peds office I get plenty of calls regarding similar behavior. There is no harm in seeing a counselor as well. Good luck!

I would agree it's a girl thing. I have two girls and three boys and I've only had this sort of problem from my girls and one senstivie boy. With my first daughter I figured it was because she's a step daughter and interaction with her "real" mom - who hated my guts - would cause her to do outrageous things - including running away from us and the school. But my second daughter doesn't go see another person cuz I gave birth to her and she's five and going through kind of the same thing but not that bad. We have fights all the time and she feels like her feelings get hurt but usually she comes back. I've put into effect a rule where you talk with nice words or you sit in a different room where none of the rest of us has to hear you. This usually results in kicking, screaming and throwing toys around her room but eventually she comes out and apologizes and is a sweetheart for the rest of the day. I find consistancy works well.
Still sometimes I feel like my oldest needs a therapist so if you feel that's the way to go give it a shot. Basically I just wanted you to know she sounds normal to me - maybe give her something she can be in charge of. Something she has total control over and maybe she won't freak out over other stuff so much.

I promise this book will change your life, "How to Really Love your Child" by Ross Campbell MD...the idea is that 99% of parents love their kids- but how many kids grow-up not feeling loved- the unfortunate majority at least at some point....he lays out how in a few simple steps (eye contant, physical touch, focused attention, and discipline) you can literally transform your child and your relationship- I have seen it work over and over. You can try all sorts of discipline programs, but that is not fundamentally going to change your relationship- this will.

Is she on singular? Or any other medications? antibiotics? I would try a probiotic and see if that helps one with out milk or wheat though. Go to a reputable health food store. Does she have any sensory issues? have her evaluaed at a therpy place and see this would totally help and you can get your insurance to cover it! good luck
J.

I have not looked through your other replies, so sorry if this is a repeat, but it sounds like a control thing. I think a big part of it is also a "girl" thing. Have you tried 1-2-3 Magic? I saw it suggested on another post one time and I bought it for use with my children. It sounds like in this stuation it could be very useful to you. Good Luck!

My 13 year old son STILL does the same thing, although probably not quite to that extent. It's always worse when he's tired or hungry...especially after school. He now has a snack first before we have a conversation! It was also much worse when he was being picked on by a bully at school. It made him feel so angry and frustrated all day that he took it out on me when he got home. Unfortunately it's very difficult sometimes to have a child with this type of personality, but if you try to keep your cool and not let her get a rise out of you it seems to at least shorten the length of the outburst. Wouldn't it be nice if they were all "easy" children!

Greeting, I am going to try and say this as gently as I can you need to take control of your daughter and straighten your spine! There is no way in the world she should behave in this manner. She does not need a therapist she needs dicipline . If you do not take control now she will run over you for the nexy fifteen to seventeen years! Take away what she enjoys look her in her eyes hold her firm and tell her this behavior is unexceptable. If she need activities taken away than do so she will get over it or get with the program. You have allowed her to behave this way now you want help, you must first begin with you to understand why and how you allowed this behavior to grow in such a young girl. Please gain control because teenage years and hormones are no joke!

I can't say anything about boys but my daughter does the same thing. From others experience I have been reminded that consistency will win in the end. I've also heard from others that as much as daughters "hate you" well into the teenage years, they come back eventually.

hi A.,

I have a 5 yr old daughter and am familiar with what you are describing. Sometimes it is hard to be five - really hard. They want to do things themselves and feel pressured to do everything right and get frustrated and mad at us because we are their 'safe place'. They want to be in control but at the same time are facing a brand new world (Kindergarten or pre-school) in which someone else is in control all the time.

Some things that have helped for us:

1.Let her do as much as possible herself and then offer praise instead of any form of criticism (she will ask for your help if she wants it).
2.Look her in the eye and say "I'll be nice to you if you be nice to me".
3.Hug her.
4.Allow her a feeling of control where possible - put her in charge of setting the table or some other task and then accept whatever way she does it as great.

Don't know if it's a girl-thing, I think they all go through this at this age - each child is very unique and will express themselves in different ways.

PS. My daughter was being extremely difficult recently and I didn't realize it but she was running a very low temp and ended up with an ear infection. As soon as I realized it and gave her a little tylenol (so temp went down) she was like a different kid. Of course we saw the pediatrician for antibiotic for the ear infection too.

hang in there mama!

W.

A.,

My daughter is 6 and has Sensory Processing Disorder. She is very much like how you described. It's worth reading a little about and checking into it because life is so much easier once you understand it. She has also been recently diagnosed with "mood disorder" I have not really researched this myself yet but it makes sense to me considering her behavior. One thing to remember is that she probably doesn't want to act that way and maybe she doesn't know how to communicate what she needs with you. If you do decide to research it a little and have any questions, feel free to e-mail me I'd be happy to "help" if I can.

A.

Oh yes! It's a girl thing! I sympathize with you. I've got one just like that.
Girls are much more verbal and need to talk things out. They do not accept
things at face value as boys tend to do. You can not just tell them to do something.
And if they're upset, they expect you to know and acknowledge it.

Good Luck, I'm still trying to figure it all out myself.

: )

Get the book 1-2-3 Magic: Effective discipline for 2-12 year olds. It works. It's a gentle time out system for behavior you want to stop, and a companion system for behavior you want to encourage (like cleaning her room or getting ready for bed).

Counseling. Find a good family therapist to help you with her. It sounds too overwhelming to try to manage on your own. I found this really helped with my son when he was raging.