M.O.
S.,
I am so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. It must be especially tough being a single parent!
I wouldn't doubt that it's hard to control your son's behavior from afar - like when he's gone at school. Has he always "acted up" like this or has it seem to have gotten worse?
We have found in our house what works well are "magnets" on the fridge - you earn one for each GOOD THING you do. I too like to keep the focus on the good behavior. However, my kids will lose a magnet if they receive ONE warning and don't do what they are asked.
Another thing we have started to move on to (instead of magnets) is that "not listening/not behaving" doesn't earn them timeouts - we've found they just sit there or play - instead it earns them "work". I know this sounds simplistic, but the Bearnstain Bears have a book on Manners that my kids loved. So we modified the list at the end of the book. Each person got to put one thing on the list - this behavior = this penalty. It was important to get their "buy in". The kids were allowed to put down "No Yelling" (from mom and dad) however they've seen it backfire on them when THEY get penalized. This was a kind of FAMILY RULES which helps me get housework done too instead of watching them sit idle in "timeout". We've found the deterrant of "work/penalty" has REALLY changed their attitudes. I think before they felt like they "got off easy" with a timeout. Now, I'm getting garbage emptied, playrooms and bedrooms cleaned up (without my help), etc.
Perhaps if you can sit down with your son, his Dad, the teachers, etc. and create a "Behavior List" that has everyone's buy in, then you will see an improvement. If you all are not on the same page he will continue to "play" everyone.
Another book we got was "How to Raise Your Spirited Child". I think it helped us as parents get some perspective on our energetic, but NOT naughty, child. It helped me to understand "how she's wired" and that some things just overwhelm her.
Also, another book is Love and Logic. It's big in some of the schools and taught to teachers on how to handle kids. Essentially it teaches that bad decisions/choices lead to negative consequences. It takes you out of the "bad guy" role. No more yelling. No more arguments. Essentially when your son misbehaves the "script" is, "I'm sorry you made that choice. You know that I/we don't act that way. If I can't trust you to behave when I'm not around, then you don't get to go to birthday parties, playdates, etc. because I don't know how you'll act. Until you can show proper behavior, we'll have to limit outside activities." See, HE made the choice to misbehave. You didn't. His choice means he can't have playdates. You didn't take it away. I think that this logical consequence works well to remove you from being the bad guy. He has to EARN everything, as opposed to getting it and then losing it.
We are VERY big on "using our words" in our house. If you can't speak in a normal tone, you "take a moment" (like a self-time out) until you can talk normally. No punishment. No anger. Just remove yourself from this situation until you can "use your words".
I think it's VERY important to save true PUNISHMENTS for very bad behavior, otherwise the kid(s) feel like everything they do wrong is what makes them a naughty kid. If he's always seeing things as "being taken away" then he doesn't understand how to keep it. I think in his mind he just says, "Screw it. I never really had it to begin with. Or, I'm a bad kid, so what does she expect?"
I'm sorry I don't have a counselor recommendation for you. But I do hope that maybe something I mentioned helps.
I say make him "earn" simple privileges (everything) with easy to achieve chores and goals. Make him successful! I think you'll be surprised what reversing your strategy might achieve. (That is, all t.v., bike, movies, etc. time is EARNED for doing the right thing and helping around the house.) As much as you can keep it day to day - no "guarantees" for playdates, birthdays, etc. until he can behave EVERYDAY and without you standing over him (e.g. at school). Lakeshore Learning had a simple chore chart that sticks to the fridge. NO "privileges" until chores are done each day (brush hair, teeth, clean room, etc.). It's not an option.
Also, I think the BUY IN is critical. Make sure YOU, Dad, and school are all on the same page, communicating the same message and consequences. The teachers obviously have other kids, so they need to tell you if the "links" are working - it doesn't sound like it, but I don't know how long you've been at it. Maybe the school psychologist has some recommendations? Mom and Dad may not live together but you HAVE TO support each other and uphold each other's rules and punishments.