Age of Accountability

I offer Blagojevich as an example that there is no age really. Some come by it early others not at all.

It depends - on the child and on the act. I don't punish my child at all, I teach and guide her. So far, that's all that's been necessary. She's 9.

Children have an understanding of cause-and-effect around 18 months and are able to adjust their behavior to your expectations (consciously) around that same time. We started using very short "time outs" with him around that age.

Consequences should be short and immediate until they are school-aged. I really don't like the word "punishment" for young children. What you are trying to teach them is that their actions have consequences. When they are older and their actions are more deliberate, then punishments are appropriate.

My son is now 3 and if he's toeing the line, we mention a time-out and that usually stops the behavior. If it doesn't, straight to his room for 3-5 minutes. Then one of us checks in on him and asks if he is ready to come out. If he says yes, he apologizes for his behavior and it's over. If he says no, then we tell him to come out when he's calm and ready to talk.

as early as you have their attention & focus. It does not have to be a punishment, simply a redirect....a focusing in another direction.

Along those lines, we focus on choices and consequences in our house with our 6 year old. Last night, our 6 yo was smarting off to me and I'd finally had it. She was showering and planning on going back outside to play afterward. I had given her a warning, and she smarted off once more and lost the privilege of playing outside afterward.

I've found that she understands this reasoning and it takes the blame off me for issuing the punishment and puts it squarely back on to her because she CHOSE to behave in a certain way. We've talked about choices/consequences at length and how EVERYONE lives by their choices -- i.e. if mommy didn't show up to work, she would be fired. If mommy and daddy don't pay their mortgage, we lose our house. If people don't eat healthfully or exercise, they are more prone to illness, etc. etc.

We began working on this w/ her around age 5, I think.

I think it depends more on what the level of accountablility is rather than just being. My kids have been held responsible for school work and making sure they have everything they need to do any homework since 3rd grade and each year that bumps up a notch since it gets more involved and harder of course. They have been accountable for their chores since they were assigned them at 6 yrs old. Before that, it was making them aware of what they needed to do with picking things up. They are responsible for their personal belongings and I have tried to make them more aware of their responsibility in this area since the very beginning, though of course there are many slips and slides on this route (same for chores).

I don't think punishment is a necessary part of teaching accountability. But I think around age three a child is able to have some understanding of accountability. This is based off of psychology stuff I've read.

When you punish, the child learns to fear the punishment, they don't necessarily learn from the mistake. I'm reading "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen, and I LOVE IT. It makes it all make so much sense and explains that there is actual harm in punishment type of parenting. If you're like me, you kind of balk at that idea, but she goes into excellent detail explaining studies and long term results from punishment type of parenting. It explained me and my sisters well!

The type of parenting she teaches in her books is to learn from mistakes and to teach children skills in figuring things out themselves. It's is NOT permissive type of parenting (which is also damaging). But it's a completely different take on parenting than I had ever been taught. It's actually been around for close to 100 years, though, so they've been able to study it and see that it has excellent long term results. She teaches the concept and it helps raise your children to be confident, skilled, self reliant, able to deal with problems and figure out solutions, respectful, etc. They make mistakes along the way, but they learn how to learn from them, no be punished for them.

I just know as a child I often felt upset and frustrated and like I was "bad". Oftentimes I didnt' mean to do things wrong, but I was punished and it really bothered me. My parents were very strict...there was very little power given to me to make choices, and so I learned to rely on them 100% for decision making skills and for everything I did. If I did it wrong, I was corrected and made to do it up to their standard, etc. I grew up afraid of making mistakes and was afraid to make decisions on my own for fear that it would be the wrong one. I had no self esteem. Felt like a bad person all the time, etc... It didn't teach me to build skills for adulthood.

I knew I didn't want to repeat the same with my kids, but I also knew I didn't want to be a permissive parent and let my kids rule the house. These books are EXACTLY what I've been looking for. Discipline and punishment are NOT one and the same. The way I described myself as a youth is how she describes the result, long term, of punishing type of parenting. There are other possible outcomes too. Many children feel driven away when they are teens because of that type of parenting.

Anyway, I know I"ve veered some from your question, but I seriously wish everyone would read these books! I'm still reading them, but I've gotten enough figured out, and the way my children behave is much better. They are happier and nicer and get along better (this book is combined with reading "Siblings without Rivalry" - also an awesome book).

So, to answer your question, I don't believe punishing is necessary to teach responsibility and accountability. In fact, I feel it can hinder that type of learning. My husband was a bit skeptical and argued with me about it some. This was prior to him reading the books. Once he started reading, it made so much more sense to him. He's a believer with me now! We have no arguments over it. He feels strongly about it like me too. So, we vote no punishing, but consider reading Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen (she has a preschool years one that we also have since a couple of our kids are that age). It'll help teach you to discipline without punishing and to teach your kids really good skills that have great long term results (and short term too!). It'll help you teach your children to be accountable for their actions and to learn from it.

I'll stop typing...

I start this pretty young with my kids. I think we started at about age 1 1/2. When they started to understand things. We always started out small and then worked our way up to bigger things though.

My 4 year old knows when he has done something wrong. When he was 2 I would put his older sister in the corner for doing something wrong. He started putting himself in a time out if he knew he did something wrong also. He still does this. I guess it depends on the "crime" lol

I think by 3, absolute latest, they should be held accountable for things that they do. Kids know right from wrong, good from bad.

Usually at the age of 2 or 3 kids can differentiate between right and wrong...leading by example helps a lot...

Punishment - it all depends upon your household, rules, etc. My boys lose toys, game time, TV time, pool time, etc. for different rules broken....however, my kids are also rewarded for doing good as well...

It would be my opinion that at the age when they start acknowledging "that was bad" "that was wrong" "that's not fair" they can accept and acknowledge responsibility for actions.

Does that make sense?

Well I think at a year old mine is testing the bounderies. She knows she is not supposed to go out the doggie door. And when we say NO she either ignores me or sits and pitches a fit. I think she does understand she just doesn't maybe care.....

I think it depends on the child and the given situation.

I try to use nonjudgmental, clear language regarding 'right' and 'wrong' actions. (As opposed to 'good' or 'bad'.) But unless we have something tangible to point to (as in 'Hitting is wrong because it hurts people'), some concepts are very abstract.

I have a four year old who doesn't seem to understand "real" and 'pretend' right now. I can't even ask him if something is real or pretend, because it's all real to him, either wishful thinking or his perception. So I try to rephrase things: "You WISH you had X" or "You would really like it if X had happened." For him, talking about lies is going way over his head. So I say what I see (I don't ask him 'if' he did something, by the way, I just become a detective and look for the evidence.) and work on making sure I'm clear with my language too.

I'm one for making amends as a way of correcting some behaviors. My son knows hitting is wrong. If he hits, it's time sitting and then checking in with the person. If they are hurt, he's got to help me with getting an ice pack. Other things, situations, are his challenges to deal with. Don't want to wear your shoes? Then you aren't going outside to play. Don't want to get ready for school in time? Well then, we are going to have to RUN to preschool, because being late is not an option. His choice--his consequence, and the consequence is one *I* can live with.

If he breaks his toys, he doesn't get another. If he breaks something of mine, he must help clean up the mess and will not get any special treats or toys until the broken item has been replaced. Living on a budget as we do, that is a real consequence. Likewise, he might not be able to use/hold some of my other objects until I can see he's showing care regularly.

I don't think there's a magical age of accountability. What I go by is knowing that *he* knows and understands right and wrong in any given circumstance. If he isn't showing me this, then I'll keep working and guiding (which I will anyway.) If he does, then he's on the hook and my response is different.

An example-- when he was younger and threw sand in the sandbox, I would redirect him. The other day when he and his friend threw sand at each other, the sandbox was closed for the rest of the day and they had to come in and each play by themselves for a while because they weren't being friendly with each other. It was my choice to have them take a break (they'd had a long day together, this was understandable), however the sandbox being closed was certainly the consequence for doing what they both knew was wrong. No second chances.

So, I do think it's something that I see in increments. When they undoubtably know what's expected, there aren't second chances. A quick "we're all done"-- be it having to leave a restaurant for poor behavior or acting out at playgroup when the known expectation is 'no hitting'--makes more sense and more of an impression. In my opinion, it's the most pertinent consequence to the offense and more informative.

you can start working on it early but it grows with them. They aren't ready to be accountable, and therefore completely accountable at a certain age. It's a process. I make my little one clean up a mess she's made. but, shes not ready to be held responsible for wasting electricity by leaving a light on.