5Th Graders: Cell Phones and Boyfriends, What's the Norm?

My son is in the 4th grade and has a cell phone, as does most of his friends. Yes the text/talk with girls. I was happy to get him a phone so that I can keep up w/him if he is at a friends, down the street at the park etc. I like the fact that he is able to call me any time he needs me. The boys do talk about so and so dating this girl but I think thats about the norm. Its up to us parents to put rules/regulations on technology and monitor them. Also to keep a open line of communication with them.

My 7th grade girls are just now talking about boys - there may have been some giggling last year here and there, but overall this has been the year kids are "interested" in one another. Most of their friends have cell phones, but my oldest is 15 and we still haven't given in. When she gets her license we will allow it.

Yuck.
Yes, this varies by region. We live in a working class small town, we moved here from 2 major cities (husband from LA, me from NYC) and compared to our friends back in the cities, it's a whole different ballgame out here. Their upscale city kids and ALL THEIR FRIENDS have the gadgets and talk about boys WAY TOO YOUNG. At my daughter's little Christian school out here, there is NONE of that. No electronics for any of the kids, and no skanky behavior (I know talking about boys isn't skanky, but if it starts in 4th and 5th grade, we all see what's happening by 6th, 7th and 8th, and then there is still high school left. STOP IT PEOPLE! If your kids are too young to BUY phones they're too young to have them in my opinion. I babysat and mowed yards at 12, and I know my mom never would have bought me a phone so I would have had to wait a WHILE before affording one.
Sure, if you want to buy a simple one for emergencies, fine. But handing over a fancy phone to your kid at this age is not necessary. Even at the public school, the people out here are blue collar, and my neighbor in 7th grade doesn't have a phone and says only about half his classmates do. His older sister babysits and does other odd jobs. She has a phone she pays for. My extended family in TN has lots and lots of home schooled kids, and none of them buy themselves phones until they leave home and get jobs.
Just giving into peer pressure, tantrums and whining is bad parenting, so I feel for you. I think if we were in a spoiled area like that I would be BUMMED out.

I don't see any reason to cave to the pressure - kids this age don't need a cell phone and clearly these girls are using them for the wrong reasons. Your daughter probably did not take the iPhone to this event, she just uses it for music, right? They are all imitating each other, playing grown-up, and it's not healthy. Kids are texting each other (even in the movies when they are sitting next to each other) and they no longer no how to have meaningful conversations or any type of civil interaction. It's showing up in high schools, college interviews, even jobs - employers are so frustrated that young people have no idea how to interview, how to use decent manners, and so on. If they can't text from the privacy of their own spheres, when no one can see them roll their eyes or sit around in their jeans, they are a mess in real life situations. So I think that the longer you delay it, the better.

If for some reason you feel your daughter needs a phone to call you, you can get one that ONLY works to your cell and home number, and your husband's, whatever. But don't get a texting option.

Otherwise, tell the mother your daughter does not have a phone and you need to know a pick-up time. Asking her to use another kid's phone means that the other parents have to subsidize you, and that sends the wrong message. It also makes the other kids feel superior to your daughter, and who needs that.

My son was "the last" kid to have most everything, and he never had video games. He's a well-adjusted, creative, socially adept young man and I'm glad we did it that way. He now has an iPhone (has had it since high school) and he uses it very responsibly. He's technologically adept but also has had great interviews, a great adjustment to college life, and is chosen for internships because he knows how to relate to peers, professors, employers, and more.

Stick to your instincts! You'll be glad in the long run!

I'll never forget a 5th grade teacher telling me one time that at that age the girls either still want to play with Barbie, or want to BE Barbie. That that age, the difference in maturity, interests etc is so great.

At that age my daughter was kind of in the middle. Didn't play with Barbie, but certainly didn't have a cell phone, boyfriend or any interest in the 'fashion' girls were trying.

My 6th grader has the Ipod touch, which she can only use to text where there is WiFi too. My perception is about 75% of the kids in her middle school in 6th grade have cell phones. A few of her close friends have them, a few do not. Most who do not have the Ipod touch. Her school is extremely strict and they are not allowed to even been seen during the day. They must be in lockers and turned off, even at lunch and between classes. If the rule is broken, they confiscate the phones for at least a week, and are only returned to a parent. Why does this work so well at her school? Because it is a charter school that we parents all chose because we AGREE with those rules and values. My daughter only takes hers for the bus ride. Of course she wants a cell phone, but we are holding out until her birthday (just before 7th grade) and she will have to use some money she earns to pay for a portion of it on a monthly basis.

At my 3rd graders elementary school, handheld electronics are NOT ALLOWED. The kids have no secure place to store them, as the lockers do not lock, and are shared 2-4 students to a locker. When my older daugher was in 4th grade, she had a LONG list of items, mostly food, stolen from her locker. Any parent would have to be crazy to allow a kid to take something valuable to our elemenatry school. I cannot fathom a school allowing kids to have cell phones at recess. That's absurd! At the elementary school, one needs special permission from the principal (and a darn good reason) to bring a cell phone to school. They are a rare few older kids who have this permission. Any one else found with these items, they are confiscated and only returned to the parent.

As far as boys go, my daughter, thankfully, has zero interest. Very shy around boys, will not acknowledge them. Still likes to play with dolls, zero interest in make up or shaving her legs, is much more a kids than a teenager. She likes technology, but would not be comfortable in a group of boy crazy girls. Going to "meet up with boys" at an event in 5th grade? This I have not seen, and I would not allow. Do they have direct supervision, or are they just being dropped off somewhere? That would not sit well with me.

i remember reading some where that having a cell phone gives the kids and the parents a false sense of security. It' s ok to walk down a dark alley at night by myself because i'm talking to susieq on my cell, which incidentally means i'm probably not paying much attention to the situation around me. And if i am grabbed or worse, what is susie q across town going to do about it.

I do think the decision you need to make is a tough one, i hope you can find a way to keep her innocence and keep her friends.

Maybe it is just the school your daughter is at? Mine is going into 5th grade next year and she doesn't have friends with cell phones, and she doesn't have one either. She also has no interest in boys in the boyfriend sense, though a lot of her playmates/friends at school are boys. I hope it isn't something that "happens" in 5th grade, lol.
She does have an ipod and plays games and listens to music and watches movies on it (she even streams instant Netflix while her brother is in karate class, lol). But she doesn't take it to school and doesn't have a phone. I can FaceTime with her from home from my Mac at home--but I don't have any reason to, because if she isn't home, she is with me, usually. LOL

My son is turning 13 this summer, going into 8th grade, and he doesn't have a cell phone either, though a lot of his friends do. So far he hasn't really needed one, although there have been a few times it might have been CONVENIENT if he had one. But there is a big difference between convenience and necessity. Several of my son's friends have phones because, according to their mom's who are divorced, it helps them keep in touch with their dads. But not ALL cases are like that. Some are still happily a single family unit.

This generation is SO advanced technologically it's almost frightening to me sometimes. Just last week, our son dialed my husband's cellphone from our guest bedroom. He denied it at first. Because he thought that since he didn't hit "send" that the call didn't go through (the guest room is our only corded "old fashioned" telephone and it is almost never used--only for power outage purposes, really, lol). He had NO IDEA that it was "hot" with a dial tone just by picking it up. HAHAHA

p.s. @ LLK : My daughter sounds like yours maybe? She has NEVER been into Barbie or baby dolls or pink or anything-- and she also has NO interest in being a "fashionista", LOL. She will probably be the one that all the guys want to date but are just their "best female friend" because she just isn't interested.

Just what I expected in these posts. The fact of where (and how) you live has everything to do with how fast your kids grow up. It seems the more affluent the area the quicker the kids have cell phones, are "dating", partying and dressing like 22 year olds. I actually drive my girls 20 minutes away to attend a charter school rather than have them in the "excellent" school district we live in. It seems that parents around here are either trying to be their kids best friends, are super wrapped up in their social life or just turn a blind eye to really scary and in my opinion dangerous behavior. It's not everyone but it seems that the "fast" kids are the richest & most spoiled and seem to be running the show in thier homes. I think when they don't have to worry about real life stuff and everything is handed to them they'll find other ways to create drama and excitement. It's sad, I grew up in this town and attended theses same schools and it was exactly the same way then only of course it all happens about 2 years earlier. Yes, the cell phones leads to the boys leads to the parties and concerts and Mom & Dad just keep saying yes. I wonder sometimes where they think this is all headed. I hear all the time that these problems are everywhere and it's a sign of the times but not at our school. My daughter still doesn't have a cell and sure they talk about boys but the whole thing is so much more innocent, the way it should be at 12. I expect a little teenage drama when the time comes but if all this starts in 5th grade or earlier trust me it will not just stop as they get older. The stakes get higher the risks bigger and kids brains are just not ready to deal with what's coming at them way too soon. I'd hold my ground on the cell, especially if she's not pushing for it too hard. You'll know when it's right and she needs it. Most importantly talk to her about ALL of this alot she should know how you feel and why and I bet she'll understand your choices even if she doesn't agree with them!

Here's my take:

A child, and I do not care what the excuse is, does NOT need a cell phone for any reason. We've had YEARS of children growing up without one. The only reason a minor needs a cell phone is when they start to drive and would need it for emergency purposes. I'm 28. I got my first cell phone when I got my license and could drive by myself so that I could contact my parents or emergency personnel in case of an emergency. It was my responsiblity to pay for any overages to the basic plan I had (minutes/texts). If I abused the phone or didn't have money to pay the bill, I knew it was GONE.

I was not allowed to "date" until I was in my late teens...married him....:) I did have friends who were boys and boys who I would call a "boyfriend" and would scribble notes to or draw hearts, all that stuff, but never actually went places just us because it wasn't allowed. I think it is fine for 5th graders to hang out with a group of boys and girls, but parental supervision is necessary, JMO. They are too young and too easily can get into some serious trouble. Hate to say it, but I've seen several 5th graders get pregnant.....It CAN and DOES happen.......Kids get curious and things happen, but you can take measures to make sure it doesn't. IMO, girls and boys do not need to be alone together, even in a group setting until they are in their late teens....by then most have access to sneak around anyway, so parental supervision will just cause them to sneak around and I'd rather have an open and honest relationship with my kids at that age.

Now, talking about boys is really something that is normal for that age. I remember doing it and never acting on the talk of it, but it was just the immaturity and curiousity of the age. Best thing to do is open up the lines of communication between your daughter and you about your expectations for her and talk about the "boy talk" she is hearing because I'm sure sex has come into the conversation.....most likely innocent, but still......

Good luck!

My 5th grade son has a cell phone, as do most all the kids in his class, and there is plenty of talk amongst themselves about girls. And much to my dismay, not good talk (we recently took the phone because he texted another classmate that so and so didn't want to "bang" him) We had no idea that they spoke this way at school and on the bus, because we certainly don't hear it at home. On one hand the phone (which is checked often) allowed me to find out about this and talk to me son, and he was actually very open and honest and it opened that door to a great conversation that we obviously should have had awhile ago. On the other I hate when he texts me from upstairs or will sit and text his friends during family time ect. And obviously his phone wasn't always put to the best use. As for meeting up with girls, boy girl parties started this year, and talk of girlfriends and all that. They grow up young, and IMO all we can do is hope we teach them well enough, and watch closely enough to prevent problems. Now my 4th and 2nd grader share a phone for times when they are dropped off someplace without a parent ect. and i love that, but i don't think they have ever even used the phone, I just like the security of knowing they can call home if they need to.

I think it is becoming more of the norm. This is really an issue of whether you want your daughter to have one or not. When did you feel she should get one? If it is 6th grade then go ahead and do it. If it was 7th grade then you should wait. There would have been nothing wrong with saying to that mother that your daughter doesn't have phone service on her iPhone that it was more of a iTouch and ask if she could use someone else's phone when it was time to go. But since she HAS the iPhone, of course the mother assumed she had a phone. My son was one of the last to get a phone. I held strong and did not get one until 7th grade - he did just fine. If his friends judged him for that, then he didn't need them around and he understood that. Good luck, I know this is only the beginning of peer issues....

My kids are still too young for this stuff 5&6, but we think that when the time comes for a cell phone, they will get the cheapest moedl, no bells and whistles and it will be a pay as you go phone. They get like $20 per every three months and when its gone, too bad. So it will really be for needed situations, not to sit around and chat and text all day. I think it is a such a waste of time. Oh and I had a boyfriend in 5th grade, his name was "rhinosouraus nose", I never talked to him, thought he was kindof gross and I think I did kiss him once on a dare, but never again. Anything more serious than that in 5th grade is bad news!

sorry, BUT THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A REAL BOYFRIEND IN 6TH GRADE!!! In response to the mom below. also, In response to you: it isn't just your school, but this is a great example of peer pressure and also parents "caving in to it" as well. It probably started off as a couple of girls in your school, and then- well became an epidemic. It isn't just your school though, because I've seen other kids around that age and younger with cell phones.

The boyfriend/girlfriend thing is ridiculous. HMMMM... no wonder kids are losing their virginity earlier- there are parents out there that actually label a "relationship" in 6th grade as "real". What kind of impression does that send the kids?!?!? Sure, my kindergartener liked to call a boy her "boyfriend".... that's different. When you are 16 MAYBE something can be "real", but I'm doubtful of that as well.

Why does a 5th grader need a cell phone or any child for that matter? They should never be in a situation where there is not a responsible adult around with access to a phone!!! Kids that age are not emotionally ready to handle all that texting, sexting and boyfriends can do to their emotional well being. And who cares what the "norm" is? You house, your child, your rules!

Pretty much all the fifth graders where my son goes to middle school have them. He is in sixth now and he did get one this school year. And they have fancy phones too! My daughter is turning 16. When she was in fifth grade, none of her friends had cellphones, they got theirs in 7th and 8th grades as birthday or holiday gifts. My daughter had one in fifth, because she came home a half hour before I got home from work, and I wanted to check in with her without her answering the house phone (no caller id). My kids' phones are for us to contact them and vice versa in certain situations, they are NOT toys, their friends don't all have their number and they aren't texting constantly.
When my son was in fifth last year, he said a lot of kids had "boyfriends" and "girlfriends." I don't think of myself an innocent or a prude, but it was an eye opener when I went to the faculty basketball game and saw sixth grade girls with full eye makeup and pushup bras. When I was in sixth grade, I still played with barbies, snuck lipgloss and thought boys had cooties!

My daughter had her first real boyfriend in the 6th grade and got her first cell phone for her 15th birthday.
I had not forbidden boyfriends before then; that was just when she met someone she liked.

My daughter is in 6th grade and her friends all started the boy talk last year too. My daughter has a "boyfriend" but other than calling it that he is just a friend. They talk on the phone maybe once a week and they hang out together at some school events....thats it. She has had her phone since 4th grade but she in involved in alot of extra carricular activities.and we want to be able to get in touch with her if we are at an event with one of thw younger kids. I think its pretty normal at that age but if its not right for your daugher and your family then stick to your guns. I have issues that come up all the time where our family rules arent popular and sometimes I feel mean but I just try to remember that my job is to be her mom not be popular with her friends. Sometimes she will get uoset when I tell her she cant do something allnof her friends are doing but it never lasts long.

My daughter (3rd grade) has a cell phone. It was much cheaper for her to have her own phone than for me and her father to have a land line at both our homes, just so that she could call in an emergency, since he and I only have cell phones. She keeps it in her backpack so yes, it does go to school. They aren't prohibited in school, just the use of them is. She calls us when she walks or rides bike to her friends' houses so we know she got there safely. She doesn't have texting service on her phone. So far, she has acted very responsibly with this phone and has used it mostly to call her dad or me. A cell phone can be about practicality, not just status or peer pressure.

As far as boyfriends by 5th grade, I don't doubt that might happen with her. She's not overly mature, still plays with little kids' toys, but she's also very outgoing and has known how to flirt since birth, I swear. I clearly remember when I was in 5th grade (in the early 1970s) that the "popular" girls had boyfriends by then. They held hands in the hallways and stuff. (Two women who graduated in my class are now still married to the 6th graders that were holding their hands back then!)

My son is in the 5th Grade. He has a cell phone. He does NOT use it all the time - we bought it for him for his birthday and for him to use when he and his brother go to the park....he does NOT "need" it nor did we do it for peer pressure - there are times when I have to run one to soccer and one to baseball - i will ensure he has his cell phone and can call me if there if are any problems!!

GOOD LUCK!!