It's been a trying day with our daughter, who is 6. We were in the middle of cooking dinner and she kept whining about how hungry she was and asking when dinner would be ready - I gave her some grape tomatoes and baby carrots with ranch dressing to try to satisfy her until dinner was ready but that wasn't enough. Dinner still had 10 minutes to go and we told her so. She still kept asking every minute when was dinner, she was soooo hungry, etc. I finally had to tell her to stop, or she would do a time-out in her room, because I wasn't listening to it anymore. She eats dinner and right away starts bugging about dessert/ Hubby had gotten a whole pineapple and planned to slice it up for dessert, but we were still eating our dinner. DD knows that she doesn't get any dessert until we've had a chance to finish our dinner but she keeps asking anyway. Finally had to tell her that if she asked one more time, she wasn't getting any. Now hubby is watching the Superbowl game and has told her he will slice up the pineapple next commercial break, and she just keeps making very loud signs, and groans, and whatnot because it's just not happening soon enough.
The whole day has been like this - it started with her asking again and again if we were going to do anything fun today, if she could have a play date with a friend, and so on. I told her NO, we can't do a play date, we have other plans today, and she kept asking WHY. I had stuff to get done around the house, we did some things she needed done for school, and I took her sledding. She also got her ears pierced 5 weeks ago and keeps asking when she can get new earrings - she knows it is 6 weeks, and that it isn't time yet, and when she keeps asking me I tell her I've already answered her...but that doesn't stop it from happening the next time. If she doesn't heed our warnings to stop, she gets sent to her room for a time-out.
I understand it's all attention for her, but it's not like she doesn't get enough positive attention from us. Any ideas on how to teach her a little more patience and that it doesn't matter how times she asks, sometimes NO is just NO and our answer is not going to change? That we know she is hungry and starving and it really is just a few more minutes until dinner so please hang in there? I feel like I tell her the same things over and over and I sound like a broken record. TIA!
"I've already given you an answer. If you ask one more time, you're going straight to bed."
And then follow through.
Stop being a broken record. "I've already told you 'no' once. Do not ask me again."
She asks again, send her to her room.
Tell her, "Already asked and answered."
http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/end-c...
There is absolutely no reason you should put up with any whining or begging.
this seems to come up a lot with you, dearie. so i'm thinking that you have still not, despite lots of advice about it, created boundaries that this little girl understands.
you 'finally' tell her what they are.
so do it the first time instead of 'finally.'
do it every time.
if this was never tolerated, period, it wouldn't keep coming up.
i find it very telling that you say '*sometimes* NO is just NO.'
she's 6. how is she supposed to know if the rule is not consistent?
please make it easy on your little girl. don't keep playing dodgeball with the rules.
khairete
S.
It seems you have WAY too much tolerance for whining and poor behavior. You are not doing her any favors by allowing that kind of exchange.
The FIRST time she speaks that way say "rephrase that please" or just ignore her. The second time, she goes to her room. Same for pestering, the first time you answer with your decision, if she asks again, warn her that you already told her your answer. Third time, goodbye sweetie.
Time to get tough Momma. All little ones get tired or frustrated sometimes and they resort to the verbal assaults. You just can't let her get ANYTHING out of it and she'll learn. Whining and manipulative big kids are just gross, nip it in the bud while she's small.
I am with Doris Day and Mamazita about dealing with the daughter. I called it baseball. No. 1 I tell you no. No. 2 I tell you again. No. 3 You go to your room and follow through with it. When the answer is No there is no changing it. In fact if you bug me, the event activity is cancelled. After a few times, kid gets it.
You have to cut out the whining and pestering. Send her to her room and close the door. Tell you don't want to hear her whining voice. When she can speak to you in a regular voice she can come out. If she starts up again back in the room she goes.
Good luck. This does need to be nipped early. I say that because I had a cousin who would nag and nag and pester his mom until she gave in and he was like 11 to 12 years old. Not a fun stay with family with a nagging cousin wanting something right then and there. Even after I told my own cousin to quit begging he continued on. This made a lasting impression on how I brought my children up.
the other S.
I agree with the suggestion that you need to FOLLOW 1-2-3 Magic.
Do not discuss any of this with her. Do not repeat yourself! Ever.
Does she have a watch? The kind with hands on it ? Can she read that kind of clock?
Teach her like you would a toddler that isn't allowed out of bed in the mornings until the big hand is on the 7....
"No more asking. It will be at "x" oclock... If you want to know when, or how long, look at your watch. Asking me (or dad) again will earn you time in your room alone."
And teach her to tell time. She isn't too young, and this is a great incentive... she wants to know "how long until...." So teach her to figure it out, and you can just tell her "x time"... then "Look at your watch." Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
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Oh.. and I do believe 1-2-3 Magic has been suggested before, for your daughter for other behaviors. Did you try that out?
This continued asking would certainly be a "countable" behavior.
"That's 1." Is all I'd respond to "how much longer????? whine whine whine"
"That's 2."
"That's 3, take 5 in your room."
THE END. NO discussing ad nauseum. I do wonder if giving too much explanation is part of the issue you have with her. She seems to understand that she can demand explanations from you, as if you are required to respond to them. You are not required to do that. In fact, I'd be quite plain with her that not only are you not required to, but that she is out of line in questioning an adult in that manner... (repetitive, whiny, etc).
But, I wouldn't have a discussion about it in the moment. That feeds her desire for attention... and that is in fact what she is doing, controlling her parents by DEMANDING attention. She is not in the position to demand anything. She's a child. You are her parent, not her maid/slave/servant. Don't fall for that role.
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Sorry, I just want to put it in better perspective. Please do not take it the wrong way, just trying to open eyes in a helpful way.
Your said, "The whole day has been like this - it started with her asking again and again if we were going to do anything fun today, if she could have a play date with a friend, and so on. I told her NO, we can't do a play date, we have other plans today, and she kept asking WHY."
How many times did she ask the same questions, and you attempted to answer them repeatedly, before you shut her down? And when you shut her down, was it because she stopped asking (eventually, for a while) or was it because you sent her to her room or imposed some other unpleasant thing on her?
Now read what you posted as a question on this site just last year:
"This is just me being curious, but why and how does this happen? I see posts on here all the time from parents with teens or grown adult children who continually make mistakes and poor choices, the parents keeping baling them out, and then wring their hands wondering what to do about their kid who keeps messing up. Is it guilt? Is it a parent who thinks if they just help them out this one time, they will be grateful enough to never do it again? Or that somehow eventually they will grow up and/or learn from their mistakes? I guess I just don't understand it - it seems obvious to me when you child is little, you let them suffer the consequences of their actions and "learn the hard way." Is it just that some parents have a harder time doing this or is it something else? It just seems to me that constantly allowing a child to screw up again and again, and not experience any fall-out from it, is not doing them any favors in the long run. Not trying to sound judgy here, but it does just make me shake my head sometimes."
So... what consequences does your daughter get from her negative behaviors that you are trying to stop? And how many chances do you give her to stop them before you impose a consequence?
Too MUCH attention and too many chances. I have three kids and I never did the whining thing. They were warned to stop whining or else they could leave the room. It wasn't a "time out" per se, it was a "leave until you knock it off" kind of thing.
If she's looking for something "fun" to do then engage her in the meal prep. If she doesn't want to do that give then give her another assignment, like dusting, or vacuuming. I bet she finds something to do real quick.
Seriously, she's six. She needs to be able to use her imagination. She shouldn't be counting on you as a playmate or social director. Offer her choices and if she doesn't like those choices she should go draw or paint or play with Barbies or play doh or something. If she wants to whine about it she can go be somewhere else. Nobody wants to listen to that!
I forget which child expert said it, but he said that any time a child asks you something you've previously answered, the ONLY correct response is, "Asked and answered." Refuse to answer more than once, and send the child out of the room if you have to after that, to make it clear that you won't discuss it again.
I always did something similar with my kids. I always told them that if they pestered me after I'd already said something like "later," if I changed that answer, it would become "no." About dessert, for example, I would have said, "Did you not like the answer you got? Because I can change it to, 'No, we will not have any pineapple.' Is that the answer you want?" Then, I would send them out of the room.
You're right that it's a bid for attention. If she learns that she'll have to leave the room if she pesters or repeats, she'll tone it down. She won't stop - she's a child - but she'll do it less if she learns that it does NOT get your attention.
If I had to go through this with my kids, there would have been a spanking on the horizon, I swear...
Perhaps you should get a bunch of pictures together of starving kids and have them in a folder. The next time she starts this about food, slap the folder down in front of her and tell her that you don't want to hear another word. I do think that you need to institute the rule that if she starts about dessert before the meal is done, that there is NO dessert.
You have good rules. But honestly, from all your posts? I don't think you go by your own rules. You most surely allow her to say all these things, you argue with her, she argues with you, and whatever timeout she ends up getting is NOT enough.
If I were you, I'd start saying "That's strike one" with NO other comment. The next whiny sentence out of her mouth is "That's strike two" and then when she does it again, "That's strike three - you're in your room NOW." And make her go. I'd tell her point blank that ANYTIME she does this whiny thing you are talking about, she cannot be with you and your husband and instead is all by herself in her room. And then there's NO pineapple, no dessert, etc.
She is NOT starving. You gave her a tide-me-over snack. She just wants to manipulate you and she continues to try. Stop putting up with it and stop trying to reason with her. Yes, no means no, but you're putting far too much effort in telling her no when you ought to be SHOWING her no.
I too, highly recommend 1-2-3 Magic.
You actually answered your question in your first sentence. You gave her something to eat when she whined. You reinforced that whining will work. We can often reinforce behaviors without realizing it. I suspect she knows that she will get what she wants if she just persists long enough. It might be helpful to take a step back and look at how you have unconsciously taught her to behave this way by simply not wanting to hear it anymore, not wanting her to be upset, or that you are just too tired to deal with it any more and therefore giving in.
Be aware that as you first start to create good boundaries and consequences with her that her behavior will temporarily get worse. She will not believe you are serious because, in the past, you have given in. She accelerates now because she knows it works. She will simply accelerate even more to try and find your new threshold as you implement new discipline techniques.
Along with 1-2-3 Magic you may want to look in to Parenting with Love and Logic. It will really support you in seeing the big picture and support you in creating a good boundaries for you and for your daughter.
Get the book 1,2,3 magic. Read it and follow it. If you do it. It will work and you will be done with this kind of behavior.
You have a lot of good advice. This is a power game that lots of children play. And why not? It's worthwhile if it gets you what you want - and, besides that, it's fun! As you say, it also gets you attention, and negative attention is better than none at all when you're six and bored.
You just have to switch things around so the game isn't fun any longer. Long discussions definitely won't do that (they are a form of giving attention). Setting down an "asked and answered" or "one-two-three" rule will, if you stick to your guns.
One of my granddaughters played that game. As soon as she came over she would start, "Can I pleeeeeeease have a snack?" - said with a beautiful smile! Of course, her (ahem) wonderful and kind-hearted grandmother fell for it at first. After Granddaughter had what she wanted, she'd wait exactly ten minutes and then start again.
When I finally got wise to her, I changed my part of the game. She's ask sweetly, "Pleeeeeease?" and I'd answer sweetly, "Nooooooooo." Of course, I did have an additional line available for my use: "I'll call your parents and confer with them about this." That would have been a game-ender, too.
Like your daughter, she's very bright and a lot of fun. But a parent or grandparent just has to say no to the power games.
My son is 6, almost 7. He does this on occassion as well. However, it certainly never lasts all day, I don't have the patience for that.
When he starts, I get on his level, explain how things are going to work, and have him repeat it to me so I am 100% sure he knows what will happen if he continues. Whether that is a time-out, losing xBox for the night, getting extra chores, whatever it is...he knows what it will be and he knows if he does it again, he gets the undesired consequence. There are no second chances with this kind of behavior.
I also second the asked and answered statement. My friend is doing this with her 5 year old (6 this month) and she said it works like a charm!
I would have told her to go to her room and when the commercial came on, we would call her back, IF she did not stay in her room and kept up the behavior, I would have had her get ready for bed, and made her stay in her room until bedtime.
I do not put up with any whining, consrant pestering etc. from ANYONE.
Our daughter knew these behaviors meant an automatic "no".
Instead we had taught her, and you can still do this with your child.
"Use your regular voice or my answer will always be no. "
And let me tell you, I MEANT IT.
But when our daughter did use her "regular voice", asked with a proper "please", said "thank you, for using your regular voice!"
"I like it when you use your regular voice" Or "Thank you for not whining!" I acknowledged it.
"Thank you for using your patience" "It helps when you have patience. "
And mom, you and dad need to also show her how the 2 of you use your patience. Use your words to say.. "Dad is running late, I was hoping we could go and run some errands, but we will have to have patience until he gets here."
"I am hungry too, lets share some crackers and cheese."
"My I share your carrots?"
"Should we also have some slices of cucumber?"
Give her more praise when she gets it right than always giving her so much attention when she misbehaves.To make it easiest, send her to her room or give her a chore. If she is not getting any attention, or she is given a chore, she will learn to behave properly to get attention. and not be around for an extra chore.
Just wondering, what did she do this weekend, today? Did she play outside? Have a friend over, go to a friends home? An only child can get pretty lonely and bored if they go for a whole weekend without some good play time and socialization. I know, Our daughter is an only child. After being around friends all week at school, if we did not spend some fun time with her, we made sure we invited someone over, or played out in the neighborhood or park.. She could get moody if alone with us for too long and we were just doing housework and errands.. .
I saw somewhere an article where the parent described her reaction as "asked and answered". In other words, when the kid whines and begs, you remind him/her that she asked, she has been answered, that is final. And then you don't answer anymore.
Sometimes I will explain: the pineapple is for dinner. Please do not ask again. If you can't stop with the drama, you don't get pineapple. Or: Your friend's mom will call me when they are done. Probably about 3 o'clock. I will tell you when she calls.
For things like the earrings, print a calendar. Put a sticker on 6 weeks. Teach her to put a mark on each day to count down. And stop asking you.
FWIW, my 5.5 yr old does the same thing some days. I was told by someone that a good kid is compliant about 60% of the time. I try to remind myself that she's a good kid. We're just having a tough day.
You just need to tell her STOP WHINING, use a NORMAL voice.
And that her whining, will NOT make things go any faster.
It is just the way it is.
Also though, some kids, and 6 is still young, they do not know... how to gauge "time." And 12 minutes or 4 weeks, is not something they can literally imagine or know. Literally. So it seems like FOREVER, for them.
But oh well.
One day they will know how to gauge, "time."
Get her a watch or teach her how to tell time. Or on a calendar, SHOW her, how days or weeks pass etc.
But in the meantime, just TELL her NO WHINING.
Or do the same to her, and 'show' her how it sounds/feels.
And if she is going through a growth-spurt, well, if she is like my kids, they literally get hungry, ALL THE TIME, and even 10 minutes after a full meal...they are hungry, again.
Then over night they grow a ton. ;)
When/if my kids "whine" well I don't put up with it.
I just TELL THEM STOP IT and use a NORMAL VOICE.
And then I don't engage with them until they do.
I tell them whining does NOT get anything done.
And all it does is irritate Mommy.
Oh man! You just summed up my day! The weathers been so crummy that yhese kids have EXTREME cabin fever. Especially with all the days off of school and lack of recess.
My sons counselor suggested a tactic that seems to work well. She said to get on their level-so you're talking eye to eye, compliment them, then give them a task. So, you did a great job putting your clothes away earlier-dinner will be done in 10 minutes, I NEED you set the table (a direct command-not a request).
I have also talked to them about how ridiculous it would be if I whined (or begged,etc). I DONT make fun of it-but demonstrate how silly it would be if I did it. Usually changes tge mood in the room.
Dear DVMMOM-
Thanks for posting this question. Our DS 3 has taken to doing this too. His game is to say, "nooo, I don't want to ...... waaah, waaaah, waaaah." We've watched the 123 magic videos. I'm going to have to have a chat with him and add this to the house rules. My strategy is to say that "I can't understand you when you speak that way;" then to count him to a time out. We'll couple this with praise for speaking asking nicely.
If need be, we'll up the ante, and start refusing any request that comes with a whiney voice.
Good luck to you. Whining really grates my nerves.
Best,
F. B.
I really agree with Mamazita; I am a big "I have given you and answer and you know what it is. If you ask me again, you will be going to your room" sort of mom.
If there's any fuss about the food I have available before dinner "this is what I have for you now. You may have it or not, but you may not complain."
In the morning, I might talk about our day in advance. If there are repeated questions about, say, a fun outing or a playdate, I give one answer with some empathy ("I know you would really like to have a playdate, huh? You wish we could have one every day.") and then it's "I've given you my answer, and I'm all done talking about it. If you are going to complain, you may do that in your room."
When there's endless kvetching, then I have some choices-- send him to his room, redirect the discontent (why don't you make a list of three things which might be fun) or sometimes, like today, when my son was complaining that he had 'nothing to do' I told him "well, you can scrub the tub then or I will find some other work for you to do. I've already given you two other good suggestions-- it's up to you now."
Staying calm and matter of fact does help. If the whining gets super obnoxious, just send her to her room "until you are ready to accept my answer and stop talking about it".
Anything related to time ( like the earrings) get her a cheap calendar at the store and have HER write on the appropriate date "new earrings" etc. This way you can send her to "go check your calendar" and put it back on her.
You can also use a timer for the more immediate "when am I/are we..." questions. Refer her to that when she is 'dying' of hunger. But really, there have been several days when I have just told my son "you know, you are being very unpleasant and you may stay in your room until I come and get you for dinner". Sometimes, enough is enough.
I agree with S.H. that your daughter, like most 6 year olds, doesn't really understand the concept of time yet. I would get her a calendar and note the day she can get new earrings and then have her mark off each day until then. As for "dinner will be ready in 10 minutes" set a timer that she can look at/watch.
I also think you will get further without whining and need for attention if you fill up her "attention tank." Spend 45 minutes with your complete attention on her playing or doing an art project or whatever. Then you should be able to walk away and have her continue to play without you. I found that 45 minutes of filling the tank equalled about 1 to 1-1/2 hours of them happily playing alone.
She is only 6 years old. Have a little patience with her. Maybe you could try having a snack ready before you start dinner. She was promised pineapple after dinner but was made to wait longer so dad could watch TV. Maybe next time dad can cut the pineapple before dinner. It just sounds like she was really hungry and also board just staying at home.
