6 Year Old Driving Me Crazy

I don't know how to help but just wanted you to know you are not alone! It must be a phase they go through at this age because my 6 year old girl and my neighbors 6 year old boy are both having the same issues. We were very glad they started school yesterday! Good Luck!

I began having temper and control issues with my three-year-old. I just started Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. The techniques worked in my classroom when I was teaching. I have implemented one chapter at a time. After a few days, my daughter is calmer and more obedient. Whatever you decide to do, you need to stick it out. Testing you is part of the process. Kids will not give up bad habits without a fight.

Hang in there.

Hi,

I keep recommending this book that another mom said I should read. It's called, "How to Behave So Your Children Do, Too!" by Sal Severe. It was awesome! He stresses consistency which was/is my downfall. I am working on it and seeing a great change already. I borrowed it from my local library. Good luck to you!!

-M.

Hey M C

Sounds like you could use some parenting support. I've been taking classes from Lorraine Pursell, Parent Coach, and it's very helpfull with my kids. You might want to talk with her. Her website is www.LorrainePursell.com and her Phone is ###-###-#### She's got great practical help (and she's been thru a lot herself as a parent and educational therapist).

Marie-anne :O)

Hi MC

Call your pedatrician and ask for a refferal for "behavior management/counsling" sometimes depending on your insurance you don't need a refferal. I have been down that road with my special needs daughter and it worked wonders. She was 7 or 8 at the time.

Good luck

here is the name of the place we used "Counseling Solutions for children and families. in west covina, ###-###-####

I'm taking a parenting class the info she is sharing is based on "The nurtured heart Approach". There is a book out there and probably a website. Basically it is a strategy that includes giving praise and attention to only the positive and good behavior your child exibits. The premise is that they are craving attention even if it is negative. there are also "re-starts" (in stead of time outs) and it can be something like going outside and running around the house, or pulling weeds when the "negative" behavior happens. It's important you are very consistant every time so they eventually get (we have our 3.5 yr old go outside and run to our bananna tree. when it's dark out he goes to his room and there isn't a big drama we just direct him there and now he goes. It takes about 2 weeks for this all to set in. then there is also a rewards system that is better for older kids, like your son. you make a chart and every time there is positive behavior you give him a star or put a coin in a jar and at a certain point there is a reward, wether its a treat, a movie, a toy. Check out the book and good luck. There is also a wealth of info in learning some Non-violent comminication (www.nvc.org). take good care.

I have a child who was just like this. If she got a bigger piece of cake, a longer TV show or whatever, that was fine and dandy. If she even thought someone else got a bigger cookie, or one with more chocolate chips, or anything else, it wasn't "FAIR." Once when I insisted that she apologize, she said, "You always tell me not to lie, but now you're FORCING me to lie because I'm not sorry! Forcing people to lie is WRONG!" (I told her, "Whether you mean it or not is between you and God. Your manners are between you and me.")

She couldn't stand having any limits put on her behavior, but if she was left in charge of younger siblings she ruled with an iron fist. She told me I let the younger kids "get away with everything" by giving them the exact same rules she had, but when they applied to her those same rules were oppressive. It was SO FRUSTRATING for everyone involved. And yes, she was like this with people outside the family, too. She was constantly afraid that someone, somewhere, was getting something she didn't have, whether it was money, toys, privileges or love. She's extremely competetive, and she needs a lot of validation. When you told her she'd done a good job on something, though, she'd say, "No, I didn't!"

I wish I had magic, wonderful strategies for coping with this kind of personality, but all I can tell you is, eventually it gets better! My daughter is an adult now, and we still see glimmers of this kind of thinking, but after years and years and years of us explaining and explaining, and enforcing the rules consistantly, she "got it." She's turning into a delightful adult. Hang in there! This too will pass!

There could be a million things going on, is he nervouse about school starting? Is he growing (my kid always gets weird when he's growing :))? BUT seeing that you have a two year old, I think I can relate to what's happening in your house. I have a four year old son and one year old daughter.... the older sibling often is expected to understand that babies just don't understand rules and expectations in the same way that they do... but they just feel like no one holds the baby accountable and it's unfair! Which in turn makes life all around unfair. I would try just sitting down with him and talking. Tell him what behavior you are seeing from him "When you get angry you start throwing a tantrum, you scream, you thrash, and you have a very hard time calming down..." Put out a couple of ideas for him on why he may be doing this (kids can't think this through objectively) "I wonder if you're feeling angry with the way things are lately. I wonder if it's hard to grow up and have new rules and big boy responsiblities." ('I wonder' is a good phrase because you're not forcing an emotion on him, or assuming, but it gives him knowledge that you are thinking about him). Then try to help him find a feel good solution, "Maybe we need to up your daily dose of hugs to five million a day! Maybe we should create a special space just for you where you can spend time with your toys all by yourself..." Then giving him space and time - before he blows up - will emphasize that he is a big boy with special privileges and at the same time is giving him time to decompress. Probably the more punishment that goes on the more unfair he will feel he is being treated. Even when the baby kicks my son by accident, I have her come over to him and I say "Oops, you kicked brother, ouch that hurt, lets see if we can make him feel better." even if he's not physically hurt, it shows him that no matter if on purpose or accident, I will rectify all hurts (physical and emotional) and that every member of the family (even the baby) helps and loves each other. That's not to say that he still doesn't lose toys or receive a time out if his behavior is bad, I just have been working really hard to step back and remember what it felt like to be the older sibling (I have a little brother) and feel like everyone loves the baby more! I know you said his behavior is getting terrible everywhere, not just with his sister, but jealousy can stem out into their whole world and make them seem like a whole different kid, even when the sibling isn't even there. Hope this helps, you'd be suprized at how much happens with just a chat - it even works with two year olds, it seems to give them the confidence that you trust them to step up and be reponsible for their actions and lets them know that you are ready to help them.

I think maybe you should consult a therapist. It sounds to me like there may be some anxiety issues. Good Luck.

Hi MC,
Do you spend any one on one time with him? Sometimes they do these things for attention, no matter what kind it is. 6 years old seems like a little old to be throwing these tantrums. I know it is extremely hard, but can you TOTALLY ignore them? (only if you are home of course)
If you can focus on the good in him, and find things to do with him that he loves to do, it might help him to open up to you. (especially with dad, you both should find time to spend with your kids individually)
You should stop catering to his needs as far and asking him if he is ok. If something is wrong then he should be able to tell you without you "acting" as if you don't know.
Does he have chores? Have you had a discussion with him about not wanting to take him in public? They understand perfectly well at that age.
But, I feel that if you pay "good" attention to him with the one on one time, things may change for the better.
I'm sure once you establish a better relationship with him things will turn.
I'm not saying you don't have a loving relationship with him, I'm talking about the one on one time. Give him something to look forward to and you can also use that as a reward system.
Good luck!

Before I got to the end, I'd already guessed your son was your first-born. There are a whole list of things that are generally qualities they have, and he fits the bill in some areas. They are usually very deep, sensitive people who have strong wills. He's very young still, so you're knee-deep in all this. I swear if you read about first-borns it will help you immensely in understanding where he's coming from, and therefore how to best deal with these behaviors. Just try it. Hang in there.
M.

Good Morning,
I too am on the same road. My son is 12 this month. He has always been very sensitive, and HIGHLY emotional. His emotions, regardless of what they are, are extreme: extremely happy, extremely sad... Since he is the middle child, has a congenital heart defect (no symptoms yet), AND the product of divorce, so we took him in to our family dr for a consult on depression. We determined that with all the obstacles that he has to overcome a psychologist would be the best option. We decided that EMDR therapy would be the best rout for him. After talking with the psychologist (who had CLEARLY met my son previously ha ha) and a bit of goggling, it seams to be the right path for us. With the little bit of background you gave us, it sounds like this could be a good route for him too. Generally speaking, it takes between 2 and 4 sessions depending on the cooperation/receptiveness of the patient. I will say that also, when he feels "blamed" or "picked on" those seem to be HUGE trigger points for him, so we are careful to explain things a bit more thoroughly then we would with the other kids and that seems to help also. And of course, consistency. BEST of luck!!
H.

I'm sorry you're going through this!

You said that it's not jealousy of his sister...are you sure(that's not meant to sound rude)? I have a 4 1/2 year old son and a 16 month old daughter and we have dealt w/SERIOUS jealousy issues. They are equally treated with love, attention and quality time. My son and I talked about this and he said, "I wish that you only took care of me and not her". He sees how she gets "extra" attention when she needs something, is crying, and raising my voice w/her less than him, etc. Also, he doesn't buy into the "you know better, she doesn't" statement...so, I've just worked on rewording things. Also, with the age difference, you had so much quality time w/him and now your having to "share" yourself. My son does good communicating his feelings, and it was jealous that we experienced. The behavior your experiencing is identical to what we have dealt with. It has gotten better w/lots of talking and reassurance, playing with both of them, hugging him more, EYE CONTACT w/nice words/not just lip service, telling him how handsome he is, I'm sure you get the point :)

Good luck to you.

My daughter is also very impulsive and has strong reactions to things. A "quick fix" was a suggestion that I got on this post from SH, which is a "do-over". When he has an impulsive, inappropriate reaction to something, say, "do-over" without judgment or anger. Then let your son think about it and come up with a more appropriate reaction. Talk about it first, so he understands what you are doing, so that he knows he gets a second chance. It helped A LOT!!

Also, I found this book to be helpful in coming up with long-term understanding and well developed family solutions - "Raising your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Good luck to you and your family!

Hi - is there someone in school or camp who is bothering your son? My son is 6. He has a "friend" in school that sometimes torments him about certain things. This boy doesn't believe my son when he says he's done something or gone somewhere or tells him that he is doing his work the wrong way (they sat at group tables together). My son started having esteem issues - saying that he thought he was the dumbest kid in the class and so on. I spoke to the teacher and moved my son to a different table and that helped a great deal. Usually at bed time I'm able to get all the information about what's bothering him. He's willing to talk so I will stay with him longer.

If this is not the problem, your son probably is a little jeaslous of his sister and will probably benefit from some special "alone time" with you or your husband and maybe let him get involved in taking care of his sister and helping you around the house. My son loves to pick out dinner with my husband and cook it with him and he loves to vacuum the floor.

Hope this helps! Good luck.

M C,

Oh sweetie, your son is spoiled. We are all guilty of letting this go too far without seeing from a perspective, exactly what's going on. I'm not trying to be mean.

Your own words say "I have no control of him..." and " I dread in public because I never know when..."
YOUR SON HAS COMPLETE CONTROL OVER YOU, and he knows it. He knows he's unpredictable and it intimidates you; he knows your dread and controls that.
During reading your words, you sound like you're trying to reason with a six yr old, and are being too gentle with explaining, etc., when you should IMMEDIATELY swoop him up and briskly put him in his room for a long period of time. However long it takes, and you wont know this until you consistantly do this, time after time after time. Dont stop. Dont stand there and explain the reasoning thing about why, just DO IT. It all sounds like "Bla bla bla" to him and he's enjoying the attention he made you give him and that he was able to stop everybody in their tracks.

Write me and let me know, I know it's hard, but you must do this, for you, and mostly for HIM, in later yrs.

Wendy

Kids can be challenging for sure. Have you talked to his ped. about his behavior? There could be something going on there to trigger him. You didn't mention his behavior at school. Does he have the same issues there? If so, I'd definitely speak to the doctor. If not, then it seems like he is choosing to be that way. A couple of good books that I read are (How to Speak so Kids Listen, and How to Listen to Kids) and 1,2,3, Magic. Both are very helpful. My son can be challenging too. Whenever he is I also pray for patience and wisdom, and that helps me too. :)

Hi M C,

My 4 year-old had been exhibiting some of the same behavior and I read some glowing reviews on a book titled: Have a New Kid by Friday by, Dr. Kevin Leman. I picked the book up and implemented the tactics and noticed a change within 24 hours. I love the method and recommend it to anyone struggling with children's misbehavior. It's a quick read and the methods are pretty common sense but they work great! I was able to get a copy from my library but I've considered purchasing the book to have on hand; it's that good!

Good luck and I feel your pain,

J.

Hello,

I don't know the full story - only what you wrote, but I would say he's a bit jealous of all the attention the 2 year old is getting? 2 yr olds take up a lot of extra time, and he may be missing you?? If this sounds like a possibility, then maybe you should set some time aside where just you and him go out and do something special - say, once a week? Maybe if he has something to look forward to with you, he will settle down more. Like a trip for ice cream, or lunch or even just a walk together, without his little sister. I understand that may be hard if you have no one to watch her....

Just suggestions.... good luck!