6 Year Old Son Nearly Depressed After BF Moved Away

Updated on April 10, 2013
M.H. asks from Yakima, WA
5 answers

My 6 year old son is a little on the shy side. He made a very good friend with a 7 year old boy across the street. He'd spend every free moment either playing with him or the other kids on the street. He just had to be out with his friends. It was a very effective punishment to ground him from his friends. About 3 months ago, his friend moved. Since then my son will just spend his days moping inside. He isn't allowed on the computer or tv until after dinner, he'll play cars, color, and do other quiet activites. He started complaining of headaches and stomaches a lot. He had some episodes of unexplained vomiting. Doctor did xrays and said it was anxiety. He does not want to play outside anymore. When I shoo him out, he will play with his brothers or dig by himself. When the other kids ask him to play, kids he knows well and has played with before., he says no, I don't feel good. I don't feel like it. He says he doesn't know why he doesn't want to play with the other kids. He has a new bike, his old one got stolen around the time his friend moved. He doesn't want to ride it unless I or daddy go with him. He is eating normally, sleeping mostly normally. This reclusive and moping behavior is just not like him at all, especially when all the kids are out and the sun is shining. How can I help him? I'm getting kind of worried and it's making me sad to see him missing out on stuff that was so vital to him before.

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So What Happened?

I talked to him and told him he needs to get out and play with kids, because that's part of being healthy. He said last night he has a friend at school and I plan on finding out who that little boy is and requesting his mom's number through the teacher. His anxiety seems to be more stressed based, he's said he feels embarassed by his speech issue and that school is sometimes hard for him (mostly the reading and letters part which is related to his speech disorder/delays) I've talked to all his teachers and they are helping him in the friend making/social aspect of school. He's been getting outside a bit more lately. But if he continues to be mopey, I plan on taking him to the doctor's and will mention it the next time I take him in for sure. Thanks for all the advice. My family has been giving him tips on how to make new friends as he's said he doesn't know how and has taken him on one on one outings, as we have been too.

More Answers

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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

This seems excessive for just "missing a friend," even for a child who is shy and was especially attached to his friend. Most children at this age are more resilient than that, and would at least be tempted outside by playing with other kids they already know.

I wonder if this actually is not entirely related to losing his friend and if possibly there is some other stress in his life -- whether something happened to him that you don't know about? Have you been able to question him gently about why he's so anxious? The sudden change into a reclusive, moping child -- and the fact that it's gone on for three whole months -- really sounds like something other than, and more serious than, missing a neighborhood friend.

I would ask his doctor to refer you right away to a therapist or counselor with a lot of experience with kids -- one who does play-based therapy. Explain what's going on and note that you wonder if something else has traumatized him and whether a therapist or counselor can find out what is really going on here.

He may just be extremely sensitive and missing his friend, and nothing else might be going on. But if this IS just about the friend, then your son's reaction seems excessive for his age, and getting a professional to work with him could only help. Go with your gut here-- and don't wait for us on this forum, talk to a professional sooner, not later.

And don't rule out the possibility that he may have physical issues that could be causing the headaches, stomachaches, vomiting -- yes, it could be stress but did the doctor also check his blood sugar; ask you about food dyes and additives (some dyes cause kids to have headaches and stomachaches); ask about allergies; etc.? I would want the doctor to rule those out at least rather than just vaguely saying "it's anxiety." An X-ray won't reveal anything about food, blood sugar or other issues, by the way.

3 moms found this helpful
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A.C.

answers from Columbus on

I agree with the other suggesting play based therapy with a good licensed child therapist (ask your pediatrician for a referral).

In the meantime, if he is missing his friend, have him try Skyping to that child, or writing a letter. And maybe even write a letter about how he is feeling (he doesn't have to send it). It's okay for him to be mad at his friend for moving away, and sometimes getting that out can help.

But I agree with that the physical symptoms and large swing in personality from outgoing/energetic to feeling ill and not wanting to interact is very concerning, and needs help from someone who is trained and has a lot of tools to help with this.

I would also suggest talking to his teacher about what is going on in school, and let her know that you're concerned about him, and ask her to keep an eye out. Also, I would suggest asking the teacher to see if she notices any other kids that he seems to like, and see if you can get that kid over for a few playdates, to help him build up some new friendships. I'd focus on maybe two or three kids at most, and do individual playdates, not group ones.

I would also suggest spending alot more time with him right now. Make time to get down on the floor and play cars with him, or take him out for an ice cream. Give him some attention and let him know you're listening.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

If you can find it get the Christmas movie "Blizzard". Whoopi Goldberg plays one of Santa's reindeer who befriends a girl who's really sad. They have an adventure.

The story of their adventure is told by a girls Aunt who turns out to be the girl in the story. The little girl hearing the story has just lost her best friend to a move too. She is very sad and as she hears the story of the girl and Santa's reindeer she doesn't understand how it's supposed to help her feel better. But in the end realizes that a friend lives in your heart and each time you look inside that friend is there.

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T.V.

answers from San Francisco on

Let him give his pal a call on the phone a couple of times a week. They can catch up and keep connected.

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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Aww, poor little kid.

It sounds like it might be anxiety, but get a second opinion just to be sure. Unexplained vomiting is a little worrisome.

I guess that's possible though -- a sudden loss can be like a death for a little one, and I experienced anxiety-related vomiting after a death at that age.

As long as you are sure he is healthy, maybe you should just ease him into this transition time. You and daddy go outside with him on his bike, and spend extra time with him until he adjusts.

Does he write to or call his friend?

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