6YO Running Away at School and Raging

Get Therapy for her.
I know you said she is getting Therapy, but maybe get her another one.
This one is not working.

What she is going through, is TOO much for a child to shoulder on their tiny shoulders.
She is acting out, because she is suffering internally and emotionally.
So a Professional, has to address that.
Her 'behavior' are 'symptoms'.... to her emotional inability to handle adult problems.
She is a child.
She cannot cope.
She needs, professional help.

Just punishing/consequences, will not address her underlying emotions or issues. Because it does not make sense to her.

Please, get her into a good Counseling or a child Therapist.
The sooner the better.
One that will deal with divorce as well.

Also, there are different kinds of 'child custody.'
So, maybe you need to re-evaluate this.
Here are the links on it:
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/types-of-child-cus...
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/maritalproblems/p/chil...
http://singleparents.about.com/od/legalissues/a/typesofcu...

I think you could definitely ask the pediatrician or school counselor for some names of therapists. They've been through an awful lot.

But I can't help but wondering...at what school can a 6 yo actually "run" off of school grounds? Can they assign him a shadow or something? Especially now that they are aware of this issue. That's just SO dangerous.

Good luck to you all.

Before suspension, I would suggest that you do some searching about speical education and behavior plans. He can be served under the category of Severe Emotional Distrubance, and he would be better served with a Behavior Intervention Plan that spells out the theraputic interventions and ONLY positive behavioral interventions and supports, as well as theraputic interventions that will be used to help him learn new behaviors.

Write and request an evaluation. Read about BIP's and FBA's at www.wrightslaw.com and read about Severe Emotional Disturbance as a qualifying category under IDEA.

In his IEP, teacher training can be included as part of his plan, I would ask that all personnel invloved with him is trained in appropriate positive interventions so that he can stay at school.

M.

Your children are in therapy, so I would not try to make this a DIY project by giving them any suppliment, unless you are refered to a psychiatrist by the therapist for more medical intervention and a person with training in this kind of trauma prescribes something. That would be a doctor, not somebody off a Mom advice site. Your children have been through so much, you need professionals who have seen them. The school district is obligated to serve him under these circumstances too. MR

Your kids were kidnapped by an egomaniac. They are damaged. Never mind all the reward and punishment systems you think up. They need love and lots of it. Unconditional love. They also need some time in therapy. Give them homeopathic Ignatia 30c twice a day for 5 days to help them deal with all the grief and guilt they are going through.

please don't take this in an "ugly" or "mean spirited" way, but have you had him evaluated by a psychiatrist? clearly, he has been through a LOT(as have you, and i am truly sorry for what you are going through), but his reactions seem very over the top even considering what he has been through. i would look into not only therapy/counseling(which you are already doing, good job mom!), but also into a full educational/behavioral/psychiatric evaluation.

honestly, at first glance, i'd wonder if it's not something like asperger's syndrome - the "rage", the impulse control, difficulty with change(ie the transition times at school). the major life disruptions he's had, combined with asperger's, would probably produce something VERY similar to what you're seeing. there can be(but not always) some familial tendencies with ASD, so the fact that his sister has had similar issues isn't surprising. again, i'm not a DR and i don't know your child, so please take my advice with a grain of salt, but the methods for dealing with a child on the spectrum are different(and dif for each child on the spectrum). confirming or ruling out that diagnosis(along with many others) wouldn't do anything but give you more information.

i truly wish you the best of luck and hope good things are coming your way soon :)

It doesnt sound to me like the school is working with you and trying to help. Having the cops come in to talk to an emotionally distraught 6 yr old??? Threatening to suspend him?? In the school where I work that is not called helping a child. We have a child who has major issues from traumatic experiences in his past. The parents have brought in specialists in the field to talk to the school staff. The school has hired a aide to shadow him from the moment he is dropped off in the morning till he is picked up. the aide tries to predict when problems may occur and head them off, she is always close by to stop him if he tries to hurt himself or others. (or leave the premises) The parents have gone so far as to bring a lawyer to meetings to ensure the school is doing all they can to help their child function in the least restrictive environment as the law states. You should not be embarrassed that your child has needs. You are doing the right thing in seeking counseling for him You will need to fight for the help he deserves.

He needs to see a therapist as soon and as often as possible and I agree about an IEP with the school. He is is having such emotional stress, he would do well with a constant teachers assistant with him.

And yes, he needs some sort of outside activity.. Maybe not a team type sport but Karate, swimming...

Bless all of your hearts.

You will need to almost go overboard, letting them know you love them and you will not leave them. He is testing to see if people care enough to go and find him.. But he needs to know when he does this, it is too frightening and too dangerous, so he needs to stop.

Let him know you all know he can be successful. That you know he is a good boy. And that you know he knows how to behave. From now on, he needs to prove it to others.

Children are pleasers. They thrive on positive feed back.
Hang in there mom. I am sending you strength.

Is the school fully aware of what they have been through and how that is impacting his behavior now? I would think they would be a lot more compassionate and understanding and not be threatening suspension for what he is doing. If he is seeing therapists, then you need to be discussing this with them. They should be able to give you some tools to work with your son at home and be able to talk with your son about how he is feeling and how he can better deal with those feelings and what happened to them. If you don't start seeing some improvement after talking it over with them, maybe it's time to seek a new therapist.

Wow, I am sorry for all of this you are going through. He's so young too! I would recommend therapy, but he's already doing that. Any chance of putting him into an organized and structured class once a week, like a Tae Kwon Do or something? It may help him a lot.

Dr. Sears has some good advice for discipline and behavioral shaping tactics (be sure you scroll down the page too):
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

I strongly recommend the wise little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. It won't compete with, and will more than likely augment, the cournseling. You may be able to help your son recognize the basis of his distress and support him in doing some creative problem-solving of his own.

Another book that I've recently read sounds like it will help you address some of the problems you face: Parenting Without Power Struggles by Susan Stiffelman, which is appropriately subtitled 'Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected. But I'd start with How to Talk – I've seen the techniques it teaches facilitate some remarkable turnarounds in a few young families.

I'm so sorry to hear what you and your children have been through. I will hold you all in the light.

By the way, I second the suggestion for homeopathic Ignatia 30C twice a day. You can probably find it at a local health food store. Homeopathy helps about 80% of people who try it, and the results can be profound.

I agree with the post below that he needs lots of love and understanding. Perhaps surprise him the next time he acts out, instead of punishing give him a great big hug and let him know you love him, and tell him you are doing everything you can to make him safe and secure. And do not be afraid to show your sadness or frustration at the situation with their dad. We are having school issues with my 11 year old (she has dyslexia and the school is refusing services, but we are on the path to a solution and have an advocate and neuropsychologist and therapist and tutor, all is going in the right direction) but I was so frustrated one morning since she was crying that she did not want to go to school again, that I started crying, and I explained to her that I really do know how much she hates school and that I am not ignoring her struggle and that we are doing a, b and c, and we had a nice long hug together and off she went to school (not enjoying it, but not struggling either). Maybe he needs to know that you understand that he really hates all the changes and (fill in the blank here about your specifics) but that you love him and want him to be happy, and that it takes time but you will all be happy together again.
Also, it could not hurt to have him evaluated for special education, either for emotional reasons or perhaps he has some kind of learning issue that makes him hate school like my daughter does.
Consider yourself hugged, and realize that one day they will recognize that you fought for them, kids are resilient, you will get through this, and you will be happy again together.

Wow! Talk about a lot...poor babies!

I wish I had some answers for you but I do not, sorry. I can give you my thoughts though...

I agree with the others about an extra curricular activity/sport, like karate (for working out some frustration) or maybe even a team sport to teach personal responsibility and such? I also agree with the lots of unconditional love, maybe more one on one quality time with you (not just if he earns it for behaving) but some EVERY day o you guys can check-in with each other and you can get an idea on how he is doing/feeling? Good job with the therapy, hope it helps!

You sound like you are doing the best job possible, keep it up Mom!

~Your ex sounds like a total tool! How can he do this to his kids, doesn't he see how disruptive this is to them, obviously not OR worse yet, maybe he does but just doesn't care?? Oh, how I would be so PISSED OFF at him!

I just want to add my support for all that you and the children have gone through. There has been so much upheaval and they are at the point where they can't trust any situation they are in because they fear more disruption.

I think evaluations and love/support are good suggestions but I would suggest that you also consider some family counseling. There are excellent child psychologists - ask your pediatrician for a referral to someone who accepts your insurance. Helping children to verbalize their feelings take a true professional sometimes. This person can help guide you in your parenting as well, once they find out the children's biggest fears and causes of the rage. It doesn't hurt to have the kids in some therapy to ward off legal challenges either - it shows you have their best interests at heart, and that someone is there listening in case your ex claims that you are brainwashing them or anything like that.

If you form a strong team of school, mom, psychologist & physician, you will have a great support system for you and the kids.

Good luck.

Hi V.,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you all find some peace and can move on soon!

I agree with Martha - he definitely should qualify for an IEP. In some cases they have an aide that actually stays WITH him during transitions and can 'talk him down' when they see warning signs (if there are any) so that you don't get a full escalation.

I think in this case especially (because you know there are special circumstances) you want to limit PUNISHMENT and just focus on DISCIPLINE with natural consequences. So, he wouldn't have stuff taken away from him that doesn't relate to the infraction (ie if he throws his DS, it's taken away.... but he wouldn't have his DS taken away for throwing a fit at school). Additionally, I'm curious if taking stuff away might be a trigger..... it might especially remind him of when he was taken by his dad and lost you and the stuff he loves.

If you can do discipline and natural consequences it might work like this..... his natural consequence to running away at school might be to write his teacher a letter to apologize each time he does it (therefore he will have less time with his toys - which he won't like, but it's different than punishment).

One question - does he have an appropriate outlet where he CAN express his rage? Like a physical activity? Tae Kwon do is fabulous - or even something like kickboxing or swimming where he would have to be super physical would help him channel that extra energy in a positive and controlled enviornment. All of those activities build self-esteem and the coaches are usually great role models - any additional adult role models he can get that are positive would be good for him.

One additional note.... it sounds like (and I might be guessing) that some of his issues might be control issues over not having control over his environment...... that's something that a 6 year old who isn't in the middle of a nasty divorce with a disruptive dad would struggle with.... for your little guy it must be maddening. Are there (appropriate) things you CAN give him more control of? You don't really mention if that's an issue..... but if I try to peek inside his mind I could see where it might be. When I went through my divorce, my daughter got kinda freaky.... so I started letting her have total control over things like what she wore and what sheets were on the bed and what lights were on in her room at night. I also started letting her make some choices 'should we have chicken or porkchops tonight?' and I found that the more decisions she got to make the calmer she became. NOTE: not everyone believes in this, though... kids making decisions.... so check with your therapists to make sure they are on board. Some kids might not want or be ok with all that responsibility - it made my daughter thrive, though.

One other suggestion - and I know my reply is long...... have you asked your son to brainstorm ideas about what ELSE he could do when he feels like running away? or when he feels like screaming? It might be a good idea to make a list so that he has some behaviors he knows he can do that are ok..... like "when I feel like screaming.... instead I will turn 4 cartwheels" and "When I feel like running away..... I will color an entire piece of paper with a red marker". The school would have to be on board with 'alternate activities" but I would image they would want to be creative?????

also - have you validated that it's OK for him to feel how he feels.... that sometimes you want to scream too? I think that might help him as well.

I know his behavior is way out of control and it may seem to you that if you punish him he will control himself. But 6 year old under the BEST of cirucmstances still struggle with impulse control and your little man has had a big whammy with inconsistency and trauma. So where you could expect to tell a child who hasn't had his experiences 5 times you may have to repeat yourself 25 or 30 times with him - and that's OK.

Good Luck!

This book is worth its weight in gold: Raising Lions by Joe Newman http://raisinglions.com/about-the-book/

I really sympathize with you and wish I had the answers, but I have a nephew going thru the same type of divorce dilema and it's tough emotionally on these kids. Boys from what I know seem to act out more on M. and it affects them more.

I encourage you to have someone at the school monitor his recess time or let him have time inside the classroom to limit his tendency to leave.

Hang in there. Love is really what your child wants and he's not sure he's worthy of it. My daughter was like him when she was that age. We could not understand why she was so angry. But she did grow up. She is a nice human being today, and she loves us with all her heart for not giving up on her.