7 Year Old Who Refuses to Listen to Any Instruction Even If It Is for His Safety

Testing boundaries is very common at this age. As far as the homework goes, it is very easy to be destracted if other kids are playing around him when he is doing his homework. He should be in an area where he can concentrate, and reinforce that he will be able to play when he is done.

As far as following safety rules, he needs to learn that he can choose to follow the rules and be able to play, or he can choose to not follow the rules and he can sit and watch. This will most likely continue for a bit but you need to remain consistent with him.

Hi J., my name is J.. I see that you are in a tight situation. In your request, you mentioned you have 2 girls and the oldest is 4. So I am assuming the 7 year old is not yours. So, where are the parents to this 7 yr old? Does he live with you or comes and goes? I don't have a seven year old, but I have watched my niece (12) and my nephew (8) grow. What is the child's background? He/she may be retaliating to something. Is it a bright child who just does not want to listen or is the child a slow learner? There are many things that could be. Does taking away TV time or play time work? Rewards? What I have learnt is that we give alternatives instead of NO. If he/she wants something, say... "Yes, you can have it/play but after you complede your." Or rewards. As time goes by, distance the rewards. Say... "if you do your homework like you are supposed to this week, we will do abc over the weekend. That teaches patience, and keeping the reward in mind, he/she may just behave. Just trying to help.

Hi J.,
I have a 7 yr old and am going through the same thing. My babysittter also watches several kids after school. What our babysitter does is that as the kids come in from school, she asks if they have any homework. They have to show her their folders. If they have homework, they have to sit down at a table and do it, first thing. If they have more than one thing, they have to finish one item. Only when they are done do they get to play.

As far as following safety rules, if a kid doesn't listen, she has them sit on the floor in the kitchen for timeout. There is no tv in there. Only when they calm down can they try again. After disobeying a certain # of times (3 I think) they lose the play privelege for the rest of the day.
M.

Hi J. -

From the sound of your note this is not your child but a child you watch. If that is right, have you discussed with his parents the safety rules? Maybe you could all sit down together and explain to him that they are important because.... On the home work front my sons OT gave me some advice it sounds like you're doing the first step and letting him play but she also recommended giving my son a crunchy snack to eat while working, she said this actually can help keep them on task. Another option and given the situation I'm not sure if this is possible but is there any way he can do his homework separate from the other kids so it's not so distracting?
Good Luck!
R. A.

Hi J.,

As you know the most important thing is to be consistent no matter what! Instead of talking to or at him start asking him to come up with alternatives. You will have to guide the conversation with prompts but leave it up to him to come up with his own thoughts.

For instance; I could use your assistance. As you know, one of my concerns is that everyone here, not only to have fun but also to be safe. What are your ideas on safety? Can you tell me why it is important for everyone to observe the safety rules? What can you do, as the oldest, to make sure you and the other children stay safe?

Ask the questions and then listen or prompt for more ideas. Don't give the answers outright but if he doesn't get it, just guide him by asking "do you think that this might work better? or that?"

As with the homework do the same. Inform him of his choices and the consequences, then ask him what he thinks should happen.

There's a book called "how to raise a thinking child" and "how to raise a thinking teen" that I read many years ago that gives some great techniques for assisting kids to think for themselves and to make good sound dicissions. I highly recommend it!

When you give a child the freedom to think and come up with their own answers, it puts them in charge and in control of themselves. At 7 years old he is in control of himself and making his own decissions, so assist him in making the right choices for himself and others but putting him in the drivers seat!

Keep in mind that this technique also teaches respect. When you show him that his opinion counts and is important, this shows him that you respect his thoughts, actions, ideas, etc. and in turn he will respect you even more!

Besides...he just might come up with the perfect answer or solution to the issue!

Be blessed and be a blessing!

J., you've gotten some great advice. But I think you should consider the following:

First, I find it very distressing that homework has lately become the responsibility of the parent, the daycare provider, the nanny -- everyone but the child! I don't believe that children will ever become responsible individuals so long as they are not held accountable for something as personal as their own homework. That should be between the child and his teacher. Period. My "Aunt Peggy" had 12 children, and one my favorite stories from her involved a teacher complaining that one her sons wasn't doing his homework. She said, "That is between you and Liam. Please don't call about me this, and I promise not to call YOU when he doesn't make his bed." Classic! I love that woman.

Granted, not everyone would agree with this philosophy. But if his parents think it important for him to accomplish his homework during daycare time, then it is up to THEM to create incentives for him to do so. This is not your problem.

The second issue is far more serious -- for you. If a child in your care isn't complying with basic safety standards, you need to terminate his child care contract. This is a seven-year-old, not a three-year-old! He is old enough to know better and to understand your rules. You WILL be held liable if anything happens to him. Assuming that you have made the rules clear to this child, I'd call his parents, give them ONE warning, and place the burden squarely on them to discipline or influence their son. I have seen some horrible lawsuits brought against those who own daycare centers, or even do home daycare. The bottom line is, if something were to happen to this child -- you will lose. And you might lose your entire business. Please take this very seriously -- and best luck!

Hi J.! You are in a tough situation because this is not your child. I too do home daycare and understand some of the stresses of trying to get a child to listen. I care primarily for school age children. My response is going to be two-part: homework and safety issues.

Homework: I have found that it is impossible for me to get my "kids" to do homework at my house. I have one whose parents do not want him to do his homework at my house. One whose parents want her to do it here but understand if she doesn't. And one whose parents don't care if he does his here or not. That being said, initially I tried to get them to do their homework. But when other kids are playing, even if they are playing outside, out of earshot and out of sight, the ones with homework know they are out there playing and they want to go too. Thus, my contract is written that I will encourage them to do their homework, but it is not mandatory. That is the parent's responsibility, not mine. I make sure my own kids do theirs later in the evening. My point being, do you for some reason feel you are required to make sure this child does his homework? If so, I disagree. Perhaps you should consider talking to his parents about him not doing his homework until they pick him up in the evening. You have other children that you need to be concentrating on as well and fighting with him to get homework done could be taking too much of your time.

Safety: As for making him listen to safety rules, I have a few that don't want to do that either. They like to walk to school by themselves. We live on a military base and school is only 1/2 mile away or so. They are legally old enough to walk themselves. But I quickly discovered that they do not always walk the route that I want them to take. I have explained the reasoning (their safety) over and over again. After the third time, they are no longer allowed to walk by themselves. It is driving them nuts to have their "babysitter" walk them to school and pick them up. But I think they will think twice if they are ever allowed to walk alone again. I also had an incident where they were all playing at the park behind my house. An ambulance went by and entered the base. One of them took off between the houses to watch the ambulance and see where it was going. She was told that the consequence for leaving the area she was allowed to be in was that she could not go outside by herself for a week. I explained the why (her safety again) to her and her mother. I haven't had any problems of any of them running off since. My point is this....try consequences that will really hit home. He is old enough to not like having to hold on to the stroller when walking because he likes to run in the street. You didn't say specifically what safety rules he wasn't following. But if he refuses to follow the rules, he will have to be reined in closer until he learns to follow them. Obviously, you should inform the parents that you are having these problems with him and what you are planning to do to try to encourage him to follow them.

I hope that makes sense to you. I know that what works with one child does not always work with another (I have 3 of my own!). It will probably take some trial and error to see what he responds to. But I would definitely get the parents involved. Best of luck!

Hello J.! My daughter's name is Jillian! Anyway, try explaining to the 7 year old about "setting examples" for the little ones. Maybe he sees the little ones breaking safety rules (because they don't know any better possibly) and he thinks that he can to. Try awarding him with stickers on a sticker chart for each task that he completes without breaking rules; or for every time he follows directions. You may have to load him up with lots of awards for the first week or two and then start to wean him down to 1 award/sticker each day. It may be hard to isolate the awards for just him, so you could try to do it for all of the children you care for including your own. Best of luck!

Hi J.,

All your children need to sit down at the table and do some type of activity while he does his homework.

Hope this helps. D.

7 is an easily distractable age. You say he sees other kids playing; well, he needs to work where there are no distractions, whether playing children, TV, etc. Actually, a kitchen table, if away from other noise and busy-ness is a very good location, particularly if you are doing something in the kitchen, too, like dinner prep. Then you can direct him, go a few steps and do your thing, and then return to check progress, keeping him company w/o hovering too much. But a quiet environment is imperative if possible.
If others want to play and can't be in a separate room, have the others do quiet things like coloring or looking at picture books--these at least look like studying.

Hi J.
First of all, it's good to hear that you care so much for this little boy who isn't even yours. I watch other children as well and it can be very frustrting when they don't want to listen but you can't really change him and it's not your responsibility. It is the job of his parents to do that. If he won't listen @ homework time then his parents need to do @ home before bed. If he is having a safety issue than you need to tell his parents so that they can reenforce the rules and safety w/you or his parents can find another daycare for him. No child is worth the risk of something really dangerous happening. Good luck to you L.