7 Year Old Daughter - Coronado,CA

Hi:

You might find a wealth of information to help you in "Boundaries with Kids" by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend.

Best wishes,

M.

I would suggest getting some training on positive discipline. It involved rewards for good behavior, instead of negative discipline. Try taking a good parenting class, and it will do wonders for you. Try giving her lots of warning about what's coming up. Like, "in 10 minutes, we will stop doing snack, and we will start homework." Then, "in 5 minutes, we will ..." You might also want to have her evaluated by a trained professional to see if she has some underlying problem like ADHD or aspergers syndrome. I found discipline to be the hardest thing about raising children.

I would sit down with her and make a schedule. It sounds like she is having trouble transitioning. Schedules help because the child feels in control. Also, try ballet classes. It is a wonderful discipline of listening and following directions. Good luck!

Mom of four. She sounds pretty normal to me. It is easy to go easy on an only child. I have one myself. My last child, 9 now, came so far after the other that he is, in effect, an only child. My older kids, now adults, say I am much easier on the baby of the family. The problem does not lie with your daughter, but rather with you letting her behave badly with no consequences. Stop fighting and start acting. You need to institute the household rules, then stick by them. No slacking here, Mom. She needs to know you will hold her accountable for her actions. Make up a chart of what needs to be accomplished by her every day. Include getting her homework done in a timely manner with no fussing. She must get her homework done, of course, so the key on that one is "in a timely manner with no fussing". Also, being polite to her parents has to be on there. You cannot allow her to be disrespectful of the people she loves the most. That is a very bad habit for her to develop. Unacceptable. Privileges are given for getting things done on her chart, and they are taken away for things not done. YOU are the key to making this work. You MUST stick to your rules! There is no need to fuss or fight with her. When the rules are in place, all you have to do is enforce them. Easy as pie. You are no longer the stressed out, fighting, yelling mom. You are now the calm and peaceful mom, and she is the girl who makes her choices and is held accountable for the resulting consequences. BELIEVE ME, you want her to have a firm grasp on this concept before she hits the teen years.
So - she does her chore in a timely and acceptable manner with no fuss, or else she loses - well, you know what she values most. Be it an hour of TV time, a favorite toy, video game time, whatever will "speak" to her the most. Getting things done cheerfully brings a reward, whether it is extra privileges or an allowance. This plan WILL work as long as you are consistent, calm, and FIRM.
Look into an after school homework program. Our school has one several days a week.

dear tanya: i live in kona and am a mom, but my boys are grown. i look back at all kinds of things i did right that i can now seen have come to fruition. that is a wonderful feeling as a mom. however, i have also seen behaviors in my adult children that i know i could have done something different to effect the outcome. 20/20 hindsight is of course, perfect.

i can tell you lots of things i did with my boys that worked, but i have a better idea. there is a woman here in kona that is a parent and child advocate, with an awesome program. i have looked into what she does, and many many parents can benefit from her program. she has been speaking at children's schools for free and doing fund raisers for the school with this program.

go to www.LorrainePursell.com to check out her program. she has a cd program that i have listened to called, "affirmations for kids and parents." you can go to it and hear samples, according to age group.

best wishes in your journey with your daughter. and do enjoy her now because children grow up very fast nowadays, especially little girls.

aloha and a hui hou--D.

Hi N.:
I personally don't believe, we parents, need to constantly (suger coat)things, for our kids and I believe we do our children a dis-service sometimes, by making up excuses for their behavior.They need to learn what the cirumstances can be,for being rude to others,and the benifits of being kind.If they have been taught,that no matter how they treat others,they will continue to reap the rewards, then we are setting them up for failure,and one disapointment after another in their future endeavors with friends, employers,and their future mates. What I believe to be equally important, is to Learn to communicate properly with your children.As they mature,and become more independant,a parent needs to change gears so to speak.While it can be a difficult task,parents need to get out of the (toddler mode)Those years when all your use to doing is giving orders, and repeating no ...till they are ready to pull their hair out! We all know our children go through stages.It doesn't stop at 7 or 8.However, they are no longer babies,or toddlers.They are little versions of you. They are growing, and becoming mature, and are able to form their own opinions about certain things.they have feelings,and they recent being talked down to, or ordered to do something. In their eyes,thats rude.or as my Grandaughter likes to say(anoying)They like to believe,that they have a choice. We need to give them the opportunity to respond,or be kind in response.When we order them to do something, we are not allowing them the chance to just offer,or come up with the idea themselves.We're not allowing them to make any mature decisions. I' hope that made some sense. I have to run..i'm playing (taxi) tonight. The long and short of it is...Its all in how you aproach someone. How you come across. Even with your child.

I have an 8 year old daughter, so I will share some of what I've done with her. First, one of my favorite sayings (Dr. Phil) is "You choose the behavior, You choose the consequences".

I tell her that my job as her mother is to help her become the best grown up she can, so we have to start now.

I explain things as we go through our day that give real life examples; for example; when she was 5 and we were discussing taking turns, I explained that if you don't learn that well as a child, you won't do it well as a grown up......if you don't take turns at stop lights, people get into bad car accidents.....

I also made up a fictional grown up that I tell her stories about.....his mother did not teach or discipline him, and today he has no job, friends, etc.....she loves to hear more about his life, and then will ask why his mom didn't help him like I help her.

It is not always smooth sailing, but with the big picture in mind, you just continue on.

Best wishes

No, no please don't label her "spoiled."

There is a wonderful book series, for each age of a child. Read it, it's a quick and easy read. You can get it from Amazon.com

It's Called: "Your Seven-Year-Old: Life in a Minor Key" (Paperback)- by Louise Bates Ames (Author), Carol Chase Haber (Author) ..I would even suggest getting the "6 year old" and "8 Year old" books... since it can also apply.

Your child is NOT the only one like this... although there are household rules and family rules...I really believe that we must also understand THEM.

My Mom used to think my girl was the ONLY one who was the way she is, or that it was my "Mother" skills. But now she understands better, and is more appreciative of "WHO" my daughter is... instead of trying to "mold" her into a "Stepford" child.

All the best,
Susan

She sounds normal to me too. I have an 8 yr old son and 4 yr old daughter. I wouldn't go to a therapist. If she was a hellion everywhere (which bless her and you she is not) then I would say you have a mighty problem in your hands. Children often "lose it" with those they feel safe with (sigh - family). So you can help her, guide her, support her... but you need to learn more.

Two books that have helped me tremendously understand my children's unique personalities.

DISCOVER YOUR CHILD's LEARNING STYLE (absolutely wonderful!)
http://www.learningsuccessinstitute.com/

RAISING YOUR SPIRITED CHILD by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (completely eye-opening and helpful for me)
http://www.parentchildhelp.com/

I would RUN to the library or book store to pick up a copy of these 2 books. The other ones listed too!

And I will say a very wise preschool teacher (early childhood educator, director and brain expert) told me about my son acting in a similar way... all misbehavior is due to unmet needs.
http://www.awareparenting.com/misbehav.htm

When I spend more time * connecting * with my son (instead of barking orders) and being with him and enjoying his company, he is far more cooperative than when I don't.

Read "You Can't Make Me (but I can be pursuaded)" by Cynthia Tobias. It gives practical advice for raising a strong willed child. It has helped me immeasurably to understand and get control over my strong willed little girl. We are both so much happier now that we each get what we want out of any situation.

Good luck!

You need to come up with some consequences for her behavior, NOW!!! She is the child, and you are the mother. She needs to do what you ask her to do, quickly and without complaints, PERIOD!
In our house, we have a list of rules hanging up in our kitchen where everyone can see it: "We listen and do what we're asked the first time", "We clean up after ourselves", "We ALWAYS show respect", etc. We also have consequences listed: "Time out", "Lose priveledges", "Say you're sorry with a hug and kiss". If one of our children (six and four) breaks one of the rules, we read the rule that they broke, choose a consequence, and move on. It's that simple, but very effective.
You need to gain control now, or you may never have any. I hope this helps! :)

Hi, I have not read any of your other responses, but I hope I can offer you some advice. There are great books and classes called Love and Logic. It boils down to making your child very responsible for their own actions, and things. For instance, your child is refusing to do her homework, or make her bed. You have to be firm, but you give her a choice. You can make your bed and if you do then you get to do whatever...( watch her favorite show, play her favorite game, something.) If you do not make your bed, then you don't get to do whatever....It is her choice. But be firm. If she chooses not to make her bed, then you follow thru with that consequence. Never falter on that. But remind her that it is not YOU that took away that movie or show, it was her idea. She had a clear choice to make, she made it. If you do this for everything, she will soon learn that there are consequences for every decision she makes. Some are good, some are bad. She realizes that she can make things happen for the good or the bad for herself. It takes a whle, and it may be hard at first to start this process and keep it going. I have a hard time with it sometimes still and I still end up yelling at my daughter, but I try to do it all the time. I have discovered that my daughter is much more likeable when she is getting to make her own decisions, and she is not as angry with me when she has to go to her room, or to time-out, or doesn't get her favorite show. She knows she made the decision to not do whatever it is that we asked her to do. I hope this helps. Good luck, and you are doing a great job.

I have the same version, but in a 2 year old body. I method does not work so well during the work week, but on the weekends, I ask one time to brush teeth, go potty, and wash her face. Then I worn and 2 seconds later the TV goes off and I tell her I'm washing up for breakfast and she can't have breakfast until she is washed up. Suddenly, she is interested in washing up and we go have breakfast.

Work week mornings are a little more rough since they are a little earlier and rushed. Ya, they are a little spoiled, but very loved. Not the end of the world.

C.

Dear Tanya -
I can highly recommend this video seminar:
http://resources.family.org/product/parenting/dr.+dobson+...?

Plus I liked what the other mom's said! I have a lot of good tips on my site as well, with free charts you just need to print out at:
http://www.gomommygo.com/thankdontspank.html
plus tips on planning your discipline:
http://www.gomommygo.com/obey_plan.html#obey
Try it!
Best, R.

I have some of these same issues with my daughter, so good luck to you and I hope to get something out of some of the other comments you receive. One thing that works with us more often than not is to deal with her in her "currency". Her currency happens to be clothes and her bedtime. If she refuses to do a task or becomes rude, throws a fit, etc, then her bedtime gets moved up 15m.
Another example is that her "chore" is to keep her floor picked up in her room. When I find that she has left all of her clothes on the floor, I remove them from her room. She has to earn them back (this one has worked VERY well.)
These are just a couple of techniques we've used that have had some benefit to us. Good luck.

Hi Tanya :)

Look into www.TheTotalTransformation.com. :) That should be VERY helpful!

Best whishes,
J.

Sounds like she needs a little bit of self motivation. If you are home with her (I stay home with my kids, too) the temptation is to do more for your child, because you view it as your job to provide your child with everything that she needs. When I had my second child, I had to rely on my oldest to do some things for herself, which was actually a good thing.

I admit, I am still guilty of doing too many things for my kids. Sometimes I feel like I start eating 15 minutes after my family because I am getting up and waiting on their whims - "I need an ice cube, can I have some applesauce, I dropped my fork, can you get me another one..." etc. I am starting to realize this and encourage them to get up themselves and do this stuff.

At 7 years old, it may be a good time to introduce her to a dose of humility - have you considered volunteering? Is there a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen at which you could volunteer? You and your daughter could spend time together preparing food and bring it over to the shelter and serve a meal to less fortunate people. You could do this once a week or every month. This could actually start a great conversation about responsibility, caring for others, etc. I think experiences like this flow over into the rest of our lives, and help us to be more responsible. I wish you all the best and I can relate to your situation!!!

Run, don't walk, and purchase and READ two of Dr. Dobson's books: PARENTING ISN'T FOR COWARDS, and DARE TO DISCIPLINE. He has others too, but start here. I had a "strong willed child" also, so did he. God bless your efforts,
V.

Start taking her favorite things away when she doesn't do what is needed. Have her give it to you, don't just take it. It will mean more if she has to give it to you. It will take a while, but don't cave in. When she has nothing left, she will get the point.

My girls wouldn't clean their room, and I got tired of it and they had to put everything in a garbage bag. They lost everything for about 2 months. They are now starting to clean their room. They are 5 & 7.

J.

This sounds alot like my daughter. I think that part of it is normal for her age and gender. However, what has helped me alot, has been a chore chart. It lists each talk she is to do and gets a sticker beside it for each task. I include brushing teeth, making the bed, picking up her toys, showing respect to others, and doing homework assignments. If she completes all the tasks for one week, she can earn extra TV time or computer time. So long as I am consistent with the chart, she behaves pretty well. If this doesn't work, you may want to try talking with a counselor.
Good luck.

My daughter was like this, and just this year (10) has stopped yelling about homework. We had neighbors call the police one time because she was throwing such a screaming fit about homework! One thing that did help was an after-school program that works on her homework with her. That way it is at least 1/2 to all the way complete when I pick her up. Its through the YMCA program in Anaheim its at the schools called Anaheim Achieves - Fabulous program!
The other thing when she is whining, screaming, throwing herself around, I simply ignore her... lead her to her bed and tell her I will talk to her when she's calmed down.
(I do this calmly but with a stern look so she knows I'm not playing with her).

The last trick I've tried is asking her to "help me" do whatever it is. She is much more attentive and "helpful" if she thinks she's the big one assisting me.

Good Luck, she's not spoiled... its just the begining of asserting her independant personality.

L.

A simple fix that worked when my daughter was seven... My hubby made a chart of things to complete in the AM and the PM. simple things like brushing teeth to her weekly chores. He would go over it in the morning before leaving for school and then at night when he got home. If something wasn't completed, she lost play or computer time, allowance, etc. No arguing with her just calm and simple. She caught on quick and it really helped her be in control of her responsibilities. She loved showing it off when she accomplished everything.
Just be firm, patient, calm and don't give in. She's learning how to munipulate and control things to go her way. You can do it.

Well, this doesn't sound normal to me (who can say that growling is a normal part of a child's behavior?), I am sorry to say. I'd run (not walk) to the nearest children's therapist you can find and get some professional help. This may be the case of a difficult (but normal) child where you need some expert help in learning to manage her behaviors, or it may be something else. You know, we are taught how to do everything---drive, cook, read, etc., but when it comes to the most important job when can ever do, we are thrown into it blindly, operating on how we've been raised and/or our instincts. Those aren't always good and/or they don't always work, especially in a child who needs extra managing. Don't be ashamed to get help, even if it's to find out she's just a spoiled little girl and get a good solid parenting plan. Good luck!

As I was reading your request, I was going to ask you if she was the first-born or only child, and then I read your profile and saw I was right. I could tell by what you wrote that she was a first-born because they almost always hate to be told what to do. There's a whole mind-set with these kids - I know, I have one. I would strongly recommend finding out about this personality type - that's all it is. I've seen it over and over again in first-borns. All the issues you mentioned - it's not really those issues - it's the fact that they leave her feeling like you're commanding her to do something. If she had more CONTROL (keyword here!) over these things (i.e. "her life" in her eyes) she would be much more apt to do them without such a battle. Please read about how to manage this and I promise this behavior will get better. Gotta do it now while she's still so young - it'll make a big difference. And remember, with this personality, she will probably always be the type that needs to feel that she has some say-so in her world. It's that important to her.
I hope I haven't overstated my boundaries, but it's an issue I feel strongly about.
Good luck!
M.