8 Year Old Daughter

If you think that she should be in therapy, then I'm not understanding why you have not taken her back. Also, I think that you should be in therapy. You could benefit from some parenting tips. Not that you are a bad parent, but you are in a place now where you could use some assistance.

I would like to suggest that maybe the two of you should go to counseling together to work out some of these issues that you are having. Issues like how to communicate and listen to each other better, how to set up better boundaries if that is needed, and how to set up better dynamics for you and both of your daughters.

Also, another thing that comes to mind for me is how your daughter may have internalized the sexual molestation that had occurred and whether or not she may be holding you accountable for not "saving her" earlier. Sometimes children put their parents on a pedestal and expect the unreasonable from us. It's our childish mind trying to make sense of a horrible situation and not having the maturity or objectivity to process it like you would as an adult. There also maybe the issue of your daughter's self-esteem that may be hurting right now and she is nearing her pre-teen years and the comparison that she is doing with her sister.

I think counseling is definitely still needed for her and for the two of you as well.

Sending you and your daughter prayers of hope and healing.

I think you should continue the counseling WITH your daughter. We both know you're not, but she may blame you for what she's gone through and lost respect for you. Or maybe you allow her to behave this way and cater to her because you feel guilty for what she went through. Counseling may get some issues out on the table.

I think part of what your daughter does is just typical kid stuff for her age. Let me strongly recommend that you read books by Faber and Mazlish, in particular How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs, and participate in finding their own solutions. Just as importanly, they teach how parents can establish their own needs and boundaries in a clear, understandable, and respectful way. The arguing will probably never go away completely, but the years ahead can be easier.

I use this approach with my grandson, and it really helps him when he's having a not-so-happy time. These authors also offer another book I haven't actually read, but have heard very highly recommended: Siblings Without Rivalry. I expect it is just as practical.

i dont think you r doing anything wrong. my kids are like that too. my oldest is 16, and she is very easy going, does well in school, minds her mouth, and does her chores, my 9 yr old, on the other hand is the one i repeat everthing to twice, three time, even four, till me or her step dad are ready to blow, she is very free spirited and leave a mess every where she goes, she is not very tidy about cleanin gup her stuff. we have completely taken all her toys and extra's fro her, its been a month now, whe hasent asked for any of it back and still finds things to do that require leaving a mess......lol. so i guess my advice is to stick to it, and if need be take personal possstions fro her, she does need to repect tht you have given her things she doesnt HAVE to have, give her books as extras, limit tv, more outside thing to do.

Check out "Love and Logic" programs in your area. The blog below has a link to one for Austin area but will get you to your local one as well. It also has details on their programs. Good luck!
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/

My son is 8 and he also does the arguing thing from time to time so some of that is totally normal for the age.

Given the fact that your daughter has been abused though I wouldn't take a break from the counseling. Her individual counseling should continue but maybe some family counseling would be a good idea too. There has to be some effect on your youngest daughter if you believe that your oldest thinks you love the youngest more. If she is saying this then it is affecting your youngest.
Good luck to all of you.

Love and Logic and 1-2-3 Magic aren't my favorite books because they 'train' kids on behavior instead of TEACHING kids how to make good decisions. I want my kids to grow up being able to make good decisions and be skilled at problem solving, not necessarily good at following someone else's directions.

Besides the "How to Talk" book, "Mom, Jason's Breathing On Me" is good. Both are fun to read too. You may want to check into "Reviving Ophelia" since you have a girl. Depending on how much you like to read, "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles" is one more suggestion. All of these should be available at the library too.

One other thought. Since you're on a break from your therapist, this may be a good time to check out other therapists and find out what they have to offer. Since she is a tween now, perhaps another person would be better skilled with her age group. (I have no idea how good your present therapist is, so take this or leave it)

Good luck! Listen really hard to what she's saying, be sure she knows you are hearing her - even if you don't agree, let her know that you understand what she's telling you then go from there.

It is normal for kids around that age to question/argue their parents. My sisters friend said that when her daughter was 9, she, the mom, was suddenly stupid. Not that she was disrespectful, but parents are older, don't understand, things are different, ..... welcome to the tweens.
Knowing that does not mean you accept disrespect. You are Mom and talking back & attitude are not allowed and there are consequences. Don't argue, end the conversation, & yes parents rule. Be there when she needs to talk (not argue). Tell her everyday at least once a day, I love you. I have been doing that for years with my 12 yr old and she would answer back until about a month ago. (I have become fully stupid, but for the 3rd time around so its all good.) I know she hears me and does come to me when she needs to talk. Your daughter knows you love her, its just the tween in her.
She has had a VERY traumatic & ugly experience. Continue counseling as it probably will bother her from time to time as her mind grows and matures and tries to reason or make sense of it.
My kids too were usually good at school and all, but "mean" to me. I realized that I am their security (that and they have some good social skills).
If they are mean to friends or teachers they may lose their respect, trust, ...but parents will love them because they are their child. I don't accept it from them but I understand the need to get it out. Thats when I the parent guide them in better ways to get it out or seek the help. Set the guidelines and stick to them. She will get there.

Maybe you could talk with her therapist, explain the difficulty you're having, and ask if they have some strategies to try (or avoid). Having been sexually assaulted, I would imagine that telling her to "listen and do what she's told" would not be the best thing to say to her. I would check in with her therapist about how to handle the argumentativeness. It may be a perfectly normal stage she is going through, or it may be tied up with all she has been through in the past. Even if it is perfectly normal, due to her history, you might need to use different methods than you otherwise would, to work through it.

Best wishes to you both.

She sounds like a normal 8yr old girl! My daughter is 9 turning 10 in July and with each passing year gets (or tries to get) mouthier, attitude, know it all behavior which I quickly nip in the butt. And like your daughter, mine is a perfect Angel when she is over at other people's homes or in the care of other adults too. Gets good grades in school as well. And I'd rather her act up at home then at school or other people's homes!!!

Like you, I try to talk to my kids the right way too. I ask for them to do something, please and thank you. But asking doesn't always get it done. When my daughter gets in one of those moods because the world is not bending to her way, I simply send her to her room till she can talk to me. I'm not going to yell or argue with her and when she gets worked up there is no conversation happening so she goes to her room till she can calm down and talk to me. She also gets warnings when I count her 1 2 3 (warnings) and after 3 she gets a break to her room for 9 mins. Yes, a time out for a 9yr old!!! Which drives her nuts! I also take privileges away like Ipod, TV, computer, nintendo, etc depending on the offense and how many times she's done it that day.

Get the book 1 2 3 Magic. It's a great read and works well on children any age for start and stop behaviors (start-listening, clean room. Stop-arguing, whining).

Good luck!
S.