8 Year Old Daughter's Birthday Party - How to Get Out of This Tough Dilemma ?

Just say there can only be a couple girl and sorry. If the girl is bossy and mean then it will be good for her to let her now.

My parents don't want many kids at the party. I am allowed only 6 including myself and so I cannot invite you as well.

That girl is a bully and if you don't put a stop to it now it will only get worse with the years. You need to have a serious talk with teacher.

Or tell the obnoxious bully the truth. "You take over every event you come to. You are an angry bully and I do not want you to spoil my party and neither do my parents who have already seen you in action."

Let you be the bad guy. Tell her to say, my mother is being really mean to mean me and telling me who to invite and only letting me invite these girls. I am so mad at her. etc. Let her really lay it on. Then she can really have fun at the birthday and not feel guilty about it.

When I was a little girl, my mother gave me carte blanche to say, "my mother won't let me...." whatever. She said it was always true. She did not want me to do anything I didn't want to do. Most kids won't quibble too much when you bring out the Mommy Guns.

Your daughter can tell her, "My mom would only let me invite so many people. I'm sorry." No other details needed. Mommy won't let me. ;-)

I would just have your daughter tell her that she's only allowed to invite a couple of friends and she's already picked her friends. And then just say that's she's sorry and maybe next time.

The girl needs to learn she won't be invited to every party every time.

I agree with most- you daughter can just say 'I'm so sorry, my mom only let me invite a couple of girls".

Of course girls need to be able to learn to be assertive. But she's 8, so the art of this isn't quite 'down' yet. And if she was too honest, you're right, she will deal with a lot of fallout.

I have taught my daughter that she can use me as an excuse a lot. I hope this skill serves her well- now, but more importantly, later on if she needs it to get out of teen trouble. Again, I also teach assertiveness and honesty, but it's also nice to have an easy out.

Your daughter needs to tell her that she has a limited guest list and this is who she chose to invite. Honestly these are the things that come with learning how to deal with people in social situations.

"My mom said only x girls and she picked who it was. It is my moms' fault."

I get what other people are saying about being nice and inviting the girl but we did that this year for my daughter's 9th birthday. My daughter did not want to invite a girl but she would have been the only girl in the class not invited so we did it.

This girl ruined some of the nice moments at my daughter's party. During cake she pushed my daughter's little sister out of the way (who is tiny) because she wanted to see the cake. Her little sister cried and ruined the whole blowing out the candles thing. We had to stop to comfort her little sister, then replace her sister (all blotchy eyed) next to big sis for the big moment. The candles burned low during the nonsense and we had to get new candles and re-light them.

During presents she started throwing paper and bows at my daughter! I had to step in to move her out of the way, and missed her opening some gifts. Then she spent the rest of the party complaining and we even found her walking around the house alone (the party was in the yard and the kids were supposed to stay outside).

My daughter has some good memories of the party, but they are smeared with bad ones.

At my daughter's friends' sleepover birthday a girl was invited that they didn't want to invite for behavior reasons but did to be polite. That girl bullied my daughter and some friends and caused my daughter and several others to cry.

I think not inviting another person because you don't like their hair, or they talk funny, or maybe they are too shy is mean. But not inviting another person for bad behavior reasons is okay. This is your daughter's party and her memories and she doesn't deserve to have it ruined or taken over by someone else.

Definitely stick to your guns, and have your daughter let "Abby" know that she's very sorry but you won't allow her to have more than X number of girls. Have your daughter practice saying it so she gets it down. It's good practice for when she gets older and gets married and can't invite everyone :)

If there are only 4 girls attending then tell the girl that that's all you allowed your daughter to invite. Let your daughter "blame" it on you. No excuses needed. If your daughter is having this much trouble with the girl at school and she's as much of a bully as you say and there's fallout, then bring the issues up with the teacher. Your school should have a zero tolerance policy for bullying.

just have your daughter tell her she was only able to invite a certain number of people and she would rather have a b n c come because they are closer friends and that she is not sure if she is allowed to invite someone else n would have to check with you

Oh, this is so hard... I agree that you can let your daughter "blame you" for not allowing more than 5 friends, but she must say something to her the next time Abby mentions the party. It's cruel to allow Abby to think that she'll be invited and then never even say anything. That kind of exclusion is just as bad as bullying and will certainly lead to retaliation.

I also agree that you could be hurting Abby by excluding her from a friendship with your daughter, instead of teaching her what behavior is acceptable when she's with your daughter. Your daughter hasn't set any limits on Abby's behavior in school (she has to learn how to do this too) so why not teach them both by starting at home?

If you invite Abby to the party, you can explain the House Rules to everyone at the start of the party -- we all respect one another e.g. no pushing/fighting, no name calling, it's OK to say "no" if you don't want to participate and no pushing one another to follow along, etc. Breaking House Rules means immediate separation from the party (time out) and continued bad behavior means the child will be sent home and not able to spend the night.

Even if you don't choose to invite Abby to the party, you can do this same limit setting by having her over for an afternoon play date. You may find this little girl is simply craving some structure and positive attention, and that she'll be on her best behavior in order to be a part of the group and your daughter's friend. Obviously she believes she is friends with your daughter already, so it's up to your daughter to learn how to demand more from her friend.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

Maybe your daughter's party will make a difference in her life. You should invite her-everyone will look back on the night , years from now and glean something very important. She's a little girl. Help her-show her another way.

Anytime a child is deliberately excluded.....you are hurting that child. As an adult, I cannot stand this behavior. It is so cruel & heartless.

Actions such as these.....scar children deeply. Excluding her will only make her more aggressive with your child. The fact that she already knows & expects to be invited....says it all.

Perhaps more positive interaction will soften this little girl. Perhaps she should not be held responsible for what her parents are doing to her. Perhaps she should not be punished for what her parents have allowed her to become.....& perhaps a little bit of kindness will go a long, long way in rehabilitating her!

& perhaps, it just would be a good thing to teach your own child that exclusion is unkind....& should be avoided. Peace....

Your daughter can blame it on the parents... she can just tell her, "Sorry Abby, my parents said I could only invite a few people and so I had to really narrow it down and I've already invited them."

What about having a larger party - maybe double the number of girls - for a set time, like 4 - 6pm. Party games and cake, then some of the girls go home and some stay the night? Fewer hurt feelings all the way around.

My son has done this several times, mainly b'c I don't want that many tween, now teen, boys sleeping over at once. The all know who is sleeping over and who isn't, plus they all know the ones who don't sleep over that night will get a chance to stay over later in the summer. I am the one who set up the rules, and all the boys know and respect that.

It does seem mean to not invite "Abby" when she seems desperate to be a part of the group.

Tell your daughter that only a few friends can sleepover and so when she gets questioned by Abby, she can say...I am sorry,but my mom and dad only let me invite a few people. Maybe if you were nicer and didn't try to boss me around, I would invite you next time! :) I would definitely not invite the girl just because of not wanting to experience the backlash. At some point, the girl is going to have to come to terms with the fact that no one gets invited to all the parties. Best wishes!

M

Your daughter doesn't want to hurt Abby's feelings and the two of you are considering hurting your own feelings to prevent that. Doesn't make much sense. True, we shouldn't purposely hurt feelings but neither should we hurt ourselves to keep from hurting someone else.

Everyone is responsible for themselves and their feelings. Abby needs to learn that if she's obnoxious she won't be invited to parties. She isn't invited because of what she does. It's not your daughter's responsibility to take care of her. It is your daughter's responsibility to take care of herself and the friends she invites to the party.

I believe that inviting her will not only make for a difficult party but will also give Abby the idea that she can act in an unacceptable manner. Inviting ones self to a party is rude.

I also see this as an opportunity for your daughter to learn to stand up for herself. Let's look at an extreme situation. When she's older, Abby or some other girl insists she try smoking a cigarette. Your daughter doesn't want to but feels that she has to do so because Abby will make fun of her to her friends and pester her all the time to do it etc.

I believe that we can only be kind to others when we are kind to ourselves. Otherwise we resent them and that is not kind.

Hello,
I would not invite her. The other child needs to learn that she cannot invite herself. Besides, I'm sure she is not the only one to not be invited. Tell your daughter to be strong and if the girl gives her grief simply tell her "I'm sorry, but I was only able to invite 5 people". Hugs - I know it's hard!

I agree with everyone who said to have your daughter put the blame on you. You said Abby goes to your daughter's school, but you didn't say if Abby and your daughter are in the same class. It would make it much more difficult if they are in the same class - but even so, she still should not be invited. I strongly advise you to request to your daughter's teacher (and maybe principal, too) that you do not want them in the same class next year. Good luck and have fun at your daughter's sleepover without Abby!

#1 I'd mellow out about a kid talking about Freddie Kreuger "corrupting" your child. I agree that a 7 or 8 year old shouldn't be watching horror movies but you never know if they heard about that stuff from older kids and truthfully if talk about Freddie Kreuger "corrupts" your child there are other issues going on.

Regarding the party. Your daughter is in a tough situation and mine went through the same thing. She ended up not inviting the girl though she actually thought the girl would never find out (but of course she did) . I found out a year later that, when confronted by the girl, (after the party) my daughter told this girl she wasn't invited because her mom (me) didn't allow it! We had a talk about that because that was not the case. I didn't suggest the number thing because to me that would just make the other gal aware that she "doesn't make the cut" so feelings are still hurt.

I was impressed that my daughter stuck to her guns about not inviting her because this gal was a pain in groups - sort of the "mean girl" type. Since that time my daughter has stood up to this gal when she is acting mean and although it's been stressful it appears this girl has learned she can't bully my daughter much or the "friendship" will be over.

I would tell your daughter she should have a talk with Abby and just tell her how she feels. She could say something like "I like you but sometimes you get bossy and mad and I really don't want you acting like that at my party." If she promises not to be bossy etc your daughter could invite her and if Abby acts up then she has to take a "time out" from the group (you'd have to be involved in that and it might teach Abby something) If Abby gets mad about this conversation then I guess she doesn't get to come. It's tough at 8 but this stuff will keep happening, especially with girls, so your daughter might as well make her stand.

Good luck!

Let her blame it on you,so the girl is not upset with her for it.I am sure you can come with a reason.Like for starters my Mom said I can only invite 4 friends.

Everyone comes up against this eventually.
Not everyone is invited to every birthday party.
It gets too expensive.
If only 4-5 girls are being invited, that means at least 10-15 others are not being invited and Abby just happens to fall into that group.
Will Abby feel bad? Yeah.
No one likes feeling left out.
But everyone is not invited to something somewhere along the line and it's something we all (should) learn to deal with as gracefully as possible.
There might be fall out (like your daughter not being invited to Abby's party, etc) but again - not everyone is invited to every party and your daughter will learn to cope like everyone else does.
Just have your daughter say "My Mom says we have to keep my party small this year. I wanted to invite you and a few others but my Mom said we couldn't do it.".
If any Mom calls you about this to complain, well they are free to do so but I think this is something every Mom should understand.

I totally get not wanting the other girl at the party - or even to be pals with your daughter for that matter - totally! However, are you actually saying, "Stop corrupting my child" to this little girl? Or are you just adding that for us? If that's the case, no big deal - again, I get it! But if you are saying those words to her... First off, she probably doesn't know what that means, but it's clear enough to her that it's not a good thing. Second, it's not her fault her parents make poor parenting decisions - and that's a poor one if I ever heard one! But if she comes over again, say something more like, "Abby, we don't talk about things like that at our house. We're happy to have you, but you need to speak about appropriate things when you're here." Saying, "You're corrupting my child" is corrupting her a bit when you think about it...

About the bday party - I'm with the other gals. Blame it on Mom. :)

Ok I know we shouldn't teach our children to lie, so don't make her. Instead you tell your daughter that you only want so many girls over, you have already invited that many so you are sorry Abby can not come. That way your daughter is telling Abby the truth when she goes to school. Mom DID tell her that she could only have X amount of friends and that they were already invited. She can even say she is sorry, that she didn't know that you had set a limit.

I had to deal with this issue with my daughter's 6th bday sleepover. Not so much that she didn't want to invite the particular girl but that all the things you described would happen.

I feel so bad that your daughter feels she has to invite her. There are 2 options I can see here:

1. have your daughter just not say anything about the party and if Abby asks about it have your daughter tell her that you were VERY strick on the number of girls that could come (we had this plan in place incase anyone from school asked, because she was only allowed to invite 4 girls). Have her appologize that she can't come and maybe plan a playdate another time.

2. Invite the girl and at the begining of the party lay out the "Ground rules" very specifically about attitude, respect, and behavior in your house. Tell all the girls that if they cannot follow the rules then you will have to call their parents. If she becomes a problem, call her parents. Maybe its time someone is tough on her so she will stop being a "brat"...

As a mother and an educator, I can see many sides to the issue. As a mother, I think you are right to want to protect the few from the one who tends to bully others-- and the party should hold good times and memories for the birthday girl. The girl who isn't invited no doubt has a lot of issues and they are manifesting themselves through bullying and inappropriate behavior. There could be a lot of reasons this is happening and much of it may come from home. She could surely use friends and the more she behaves obnoxiously, the less she will have. One option I haven't seen yet would be to possibly consider inviting the girl for another special one-on-one time. However, it doesn't sound like this little girl is even someone your daughter likes. It is just a thought, though. This little girl obviously needs friends and hasn't learned the right social skills. If you or someone found the time and could closely monitor the exchanges for a separate play date, it might give the girl a good learning opportunity and set some clear boundaries for all concerned. However, teaching and modeling these behaviors in a larger environment (i.e., party) is probably too much for anyone. I wish you much luck and a happy birthday time for your daughter!

Yikes! Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned...what a dilemma.

On one hand, I think Abby should be invited, not b/c your kid is giving in, but b/c Abby may not have the chance to be positively influenced. She's obviously not being taught how to behave around other young girls.

But, I think you YOU should talk to Abby, let her know this is YOUR decision. Lay down the law and one wrong move, she's out. That takes all the responsibility off your daughter should things go wrong and your daughter can still have a life after the party.

On the other hand, Abby shouldn't think she can do whatever she wants. Ifyou chose not to invite her, then again, YOU should be the one to let her and/or her mother know. Tell them that this was your decision, that you can't have someone who treats her daughter as Abby does in your house. B/c of the unforeseen consequences (backlash at school) your kid might not know the diplomacy needed for this situation. Take the responsibility off your kid so she can survive her educational career in the same school as Abby.

gl!

I am surprised that not one person has mentioned to have you speak with "Abby's Mother" about her behavior and the issues she brings on. As for her movie comment, she said it for attention and it worked. Use the excuses that other people have given you. One thing though, I would let the teacher know that you are not inviting her so she can help fend off any backlash from your decision and understand why "Abby" might be more testy at school. Calling her mother to let her know as well might not be a bad idea. I think parents don't get told the other side of a story other then the one from their kids and unfortunately a lot of parents just don't care. You might find that inviting "Abby" to a bigger party for a certain period of time, like one person suggested, and then having "Abby" go home might do really good things, oh and having "Abby's Mother" stay as well to help keep her child in check and that way if they get out of line you can ask them to leave. I hope your daughters birthday is everything you are expecting it to be.

What a struggle - we had something similar happen with my daughter's 6 year party a few months ago too. Ugh! I would let my daughter blame it all on me.I would even help my daughter 'invent' a story and practice it with her. Have her tell Abby that my mom says no. Just flat out no. Not 'we could only invite 4 kids and we didnt pick you', but flat out no! Then have your daughter tell Abby how she thinks it isnt fair, but you just wont budge and had to approve the guest list. :) Blaming it all on you will save your daughter many times.

I think, at 8 (and I have an 8 yo) she can decide what she wants to do. Then she can either live with the "consequences" or not.

I disagree, however, that an 8 yo can "take over the party" at your home or cause everyone else to not go along with what you have planned. If she's not having a good time, she can always go home, right?

I do feel that NOT inviting her would border on just plain being mean, as she obviously considers your daughter a pretty good friend.

Tell your daughter that she has a limit on her guests for the party. She can invite 4 girls. Then it is not personal and hopefully less feelings will be hurt.

No excuses, just that my mom is only letting me have X amount of girls. Sorry, maybe next time.

Let her make you the bad guy buy saying mom said I could only invite 4/5 people, so sorry. This girl will get her feelings hurt, but what is the other choice, to keep inviting the entire class year and year?

This is an excellent opportunity to teach your daughter how to tell the hard, honest truth and accept the consequences.

You can even demonstrate it for her by speaking to the little girl yourself and say, "I heard that you would like to attend my daughter's birthday party. Although we would like to invite the entire class to the party, we cannot. Instead, I have extended only four invitations to my daughter's closest friends. Next time, I hope we can accommodate more friends and include you in the festivities."

Not sure if this is coming more from you or your daughter, but either way, if the girl is not welcome then she should not be invited.
As many have said, tell your daughter to blame it on mom "I can only have x amount of girls, sorry."
This is exactly why I don't host sleepover parties until at least 6th grade, I can't deal with all the little girl drama!!! Not that it never ends, but at least when they are older you don't need to feel as guilty about it :(

Have a separate play birthday date for this Abby & keep it short two hours or less with your child alone or let your child make you the fall guy. Have her tell Abby my mom says you can't come. Not making the cut, is how people learn their behavior is unacceptable & it's not mean it's life.