8 Year Old Niece That Has an Attitude Problem

I agree with those who suggest continuing to look for underlying problems.

Also, I've been reading a book called ScreamFree Parenting lately.
http://www.amazon.com/Screamfree-Parenting-Revolutionary-...
I recommend it.

Take her to another doctor. I would never settle for "She's just lazy." Not at 8 years old, and not with her attitude. Something is bothering her.

There are a couple things I would try...#1...remove the emotion out of dealing with her...don't tip toe around her feeling and don't get angry with her...just be as matter of fact as possible. Another thing I would consider is her temperment...she may need some "down time" after school as she has been sitting quietly all day trying to behave at school, and focus at school. Kids really don't even get to talk during LUNCH and they NEED to socialize.

The 3rd thing I HIGHLY recommend is to help her identify her feelings and confirm her feelings. If she gets mad, say, "I understand you are angry and this isn't fun to do homework. I wish you didn't have to do it because it is much more fun to just play all day. We have to do our homework just like I have to wash dishes/ cook dinner...after I have been at work all day."

Another thing I have learned (in a training for social workers and psychologists) is that kids learn well with repetitive, rhythmic "chanting". Like in the military...the soldiers chant...it like creates a hard wired path into the brain. With my daughter, we would practice spelling words by hopping across the kitchen chanting the word and spelling it. She is a freshman and usually has very high grades.

I hope this is helpful...God bless you!
K. G

My first suggestion would be to find another doctor. Just as your little 2 year old is the most precious thing to you, this little 8 year old is precious. She is not able to express or does not feel like she can express her feelings right now. I am wondering how many adults in her life or taking on the authority figure? Does she feel as though she has lost all control over her own life? Even at 8 years old she can be feeling as though no one hears her, understands her, or even loves her as much as everyone else in the household. What ever is going on is something that she needs to talk about and feel as though someone is hearing her and understanding her.

As far as home work goes, every kid is different. Some kids can not come right in from school and do their home work, the brain is tired and they can not concentrate. Other kids have to do it as soon as they get home. She may need some down time doing what makes her happy before she can concentrate on work again.

Before you can help a kid over come an area that is driving your crazy, you have to understand who they are first. She is a person with likes, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. Tap into her strengths, try to understand her weaknesses and listen to who she is as a person.

It's good that you ruled out any memory or learning issues with the doctor. First, I suggest your no mean no and your yes mean yes. One thing I have done so that I don't say no (out of habit) and then think...well okay then give my child the message that their arguing/smart mouth got me to change my mind. I typically say, let me think about it for 5 minutes. If they whine or argue..it's no. Tell them to say, Okay, Daddy. In five minutes, give her the answer - yes or no then stick with it.

Second, I implemented what I call the First Time Club. It is a grid (checker board like) with 12 squares. You get a check mark in a square when you do what I ask..The First Time (without arguing). So if I say, it's time for homework..if she does her homework then, she gets a checkmark. If you say, time for bath and she gets in without smart mouth, she gets a check mark. I do not take them away when they do something so the opposite isn't true. Once they have the 12 squares filled, they get $5.00. This is for their spending/saving. I then don't buy stuff at the store (which is another story since I was being nickle/dimed to death). Again, another lesson..about money management.

Third, I have made my kids hold a piece of paper against the wall with their tongue for 5 minutes. The timer starts over if they let up. I tell them if they cannot hold their tongue, this will remind them to do so.

A.

You don't mention "mom" in this, maybe mom is the problem, whether it be she is or isn't in the picture. She could be angry about "something" involving mom. I would set down with her and try to find out why she thinks it is ok to treat people so disrespectfully, also find out does this go on at school as well, possibly consider therapy in which the school may be able to help. Next I would make a list of 'house rules', to include treat others with respect, homework time, a chore list and reward list if she completes her responsiblities and dicuss this with her including reprecussions if she fails to complete her responsiblities. Be sure to praise her for being nice, following house rules etc.. You may also consider a small incentive for good grades.

One, no child is "just lazy" when it comes to learning problems or remembering things. My first suggestion would be to find a different doctor, and have her tested for a learning disability. My son was diagnosed at 5 years old with a language symantics issue, now at 13 they believe he may actually be on the high end of autisum. He has to be reminded and prompted on what to do, because other things will catch his attention and he loses track of time and doesn't do what he was supposed to do. Your brother may want to take her to a counselor, and let them talk to her. Even at the age of 8, kids can be depressed and act out in ways like she is.

Without knowing your niece personally, it will be difficult to suggest any one thing, especially when it seems like your brother has tried everything a parent would. I will say that it is RIDICULOUS and mortifying that a doctor would suggest an eight year old child is lazy. I majored in psychology in college, and while I didn’t specialize in child psych, a sudden change in any person’s behavior should be a major red flag…especially in a child so young.

More likely than not, her change in attitude is a response to something that is going on or that has happened recently in her life…is your brother dating someone new, is he devoting more time to projects at work and spending less time with her, is there a bully at school, is there a conflict in any of her friendships, is her class learning more complex skills (since you mentioned her reluctance to do her homework), is someone (an adult or a child) speaking to her – or touching her – in inappropriate ways that may be causing her to feel uncomfortable about her body, what kind of TV programs/movies is she watching, what is her internet life like (if she surfs)...finding the answers to these questions may bring her dad closer to figuring out what is going on (even though some of the questions are very difficult.)

I would suggest your brother increase family time with his daughter – they should do homework together, he should let her help him cook dinners, they should visit the library and read together, plant a small garden and take care of it together, he could take her to the Home Depot and let her pick a new color and/or decorations for her room, let her help to plan a weekend trip – anything that will give them uninterrupted time with one another. In addition to re-building the seemingly broken trust there, perhaps your niece will open up and reveal to her dad exactly what is going on. Please, encourage your brother to change doctors immediately, or at least get a second opinion. Perhaps a visit with the counselor at school would also be a good idea.

The bottom line is that there is no reason for an eight year old child to have any stimulus in their lives that would cause this level of anxiety, so you guys have to find out what is going on. Encourage your brother to please be patient with his daughter, and to see her ‘attitude problem’ as her response to something that is going on, or that has happened, in her life – and not to see her as lazy, not to begin to label her as a difficult child, not to give up on her. I am making this plea from my own life experiences, on many levels.

I wish you guys the very best, and I will keep you in my prayers!

I was just going through my emails have been gone for a few days. That is a wrong answer from the Dr. There could always be an underlying problem. You did not give an age, But possibly she is missing her absent parent(mother). Even though your brother is doing a wonderful job and doing alright their is always a bond between mother and child. So having said that, I would advice him to get some family counseling. this will give her a way to express without fear of someone getting upset with her by an unbiased person. There could be some anxiety or anything, before you listen to a Dr who has a simple dont want to deal with blame it in laziness diagnosis get a second opinion and some family counseling. Going ignored could and will lead to worse problems, drinking, drugs, pregnancy and sometimes suicide. Good Luck.

R.,

Hello, your brother is a good person to care so much as to ask what he is doing wrong. Some people would just assume it was only the kids' behavior problem. You know, sometimes you have to look at kids as little adults. When everything has failed, what else? Sometimes kids need to feel in control of something in their lives. Instead of forcing rules, sometimes including them in the rules is a great way of solving problems and it teaches them to make their own rules to follow. Ask her, say, okay, here is what needs to be done, when do you think you could do it? Ask her when it would be a good time for her to do her homework. Maybe she needs some down time to rewind. Kind of like when you come home from work and you just want to sit or do what is relaxing. But giving her some control, makes her feel like she has choices. When she gives you a time, like four 0'clock, set the clock where she can see it. At first, don't remind her unless she seems like she won't hold up to her deal. If she fails to hold up to her deal, then sit down again and ask her what she thinks needs to change for her to get this done? Your teaching her choices which she has to make during her whole life. Don't ever label her as lazy. The doctor is not very nice. Not being happy can make you lazy who knows why she is. Is she overweight? Remember, kids become what they hear is being said about them. Talk about how she is becoming a better listener, even when you don't think she is. Give her choices and rewards at times, like going for walks and having extra time because she did her work. It's so hard and stressful to grow up. Kids only want to be loved and liked and noticed. Good Luck and tell your brother good job for caring.
d.e.

I think it might be helpful during a "non-turbulent" moment (eg. bedtime) for your brother to have a heart-to-heart. At this age kids (especially girls) have a lot of feelings. Guys aren't always in tune to this and she may have a lot of things going on inside. Just the opportunity to share it would likely be a big help. Your brother could also share age-appropriately with her. Maybe he could let her know that he's doing the best he can and realizes he makes mistakes. Ask what she feels/needs/wants. Maybe there can be a compromise. Even if she feels like she has some input into the rules, ability to speak her mind... it would make a huge difference. She's not a baby anymore. She needs to obey but it will come more easily if she feels she has a say. Maybe there can be a set time to talk every day or week. I watched on "Supernanny" once where she institututed a "feelings box" where kids could write down their feelings whenever they wanted and put it in the box. Parents could then sit down with them and talk about it. She may just be feeling so frustrated. Being a single parent isn't easy but I can imagine being the child of a single parent isn't a day at the park all the time either. Best of luck to you all.

This sounds a lot like how my oldest son has been his entire life. He has been difficult since kindergarten and is a 9th grader now. I tried everything with him. I've had different doctors diagnose him as ADD with occasional hyperacticity...I've had teachers say, "oh he'll grow out of it by the fifth grade" (he didn't) and I've been told by a counselor he was just lazy. He has been on meds that only kinda worked at times. We have done diet changes, no luck. I have set up a specific schedule, in writing for him and his siblings...hasn't consistently worked. He loses priveledges for his attitude and behavior..he just gets mad and blames me or his little sister for getting him in trouble...He's almost 15 and we've struggled all along.
The things that have worked the best for him is a strict schedule...Making sure he's in bed by 9pm. MAKING him stick to the rules or facing consequences. We post a list of house rules in a common area for our kids...Each kid with their column listing required duties/chores, what is expected of them individually (grades, etc), and the consequences for their lack of following said rules. (My sister and I learned this technique at a seminar-Dicipline Without Yelling-) For the most part it helps, but he is still difficult, rude and obnoxious at times.
Your post doesn't say if there is a mother in the picture at all (visitation or anything). She may just need a mother figure to be there for her no matter what...attitude and all. Sit down and have an open conversation with her and let her know you are there for her and you know it is tough being a kid. Give her a chance to vent with no consequences and let her know that her attitude makes it more diffuclt to help her.
Another thought just came to me...I've been hearing that kids are hitting puberty younger and younger because of our current environment...maybe she is having hormone issues, you might have that checked if nothing else...I hope you are able to get this worked out. Love her anyway and let her know you'll never leave her. She may have some unresolved issues with her mother not being with her. Best of luck.

I'm having the same problem with my 9 1/2 yr old step daughter.We tell her that she will be treated like she treats others.Stay persisted with her when she gives an attitude and praise her when her attitude is good.She may be going through a stage or deep down there might be something bothering her.Your brother may want to sit down and talk to her to see if there is a problem or not.

You have brought up A LOT of issues about your niece. You are correct about addressing her attitude issues. This is a much too common occurance and unfortunately, a lot of children talk to each other with too much "attitude"

You may want to talk to your niece during a time when her attitude is not the current issue and tell her that when she speaks that way, she is being disrespectful. Whether she likes a person or doesn't like a person, whether she likes what is being said or not, she MUST remain respectful. Let her know in a FIRM voice, that anything she says in a snotty way will NOT be heard, you will ignore it - ONCE. Even if she asks for a hug, if she asks in a snotty voice, she is not getting the hug. Each additional time will result in ever escalating punishments. You need to give some thought a head of time what is really a punishment for her. So, one snotty remark means a reduction in TV time, for example. You may want to reinstate the TV time if she speaks nicely. I'm not sure you should reward her for being human, but it may work for you and her. Discipline means to teach, so she may learn quickly to drop the attitude, or it may take many repetitions. If it is a lesson you want her to learn, you need to stick to it until she learns it.

Her not listening and having difficulty remembering and learning may be related to not having any respect for adults and maybe herself. You may want to talk to her teacher about how she is in school, does she answer questions, seem to be learning, etc. The teacher may have some strategies to help with those issues. As far as going out to play before homework is done, you may to rethink that. After spending a long day at school, maybe she needs a break to go play, practice an instrument or just watch a little TV. So, you may want to make "a deal". You can go and do what you want until X o'clock. Then it's homework time. If she breaks her end of the deal and doesn't buckle down to do homework, she loses the free time after school. It's her choice, her consequence. Always be clear, firm, and always BE THE PARENT. It is her for own good as well as yours.

I concur with Pat A. As an example, Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD) can cause problems with memory, listening, following directions, and can cause frustrations with homework.

My daughter is strong willed and started attitudes like this at that age as well. I have to stay strong and consistant and it is very difficult at times because it is a struggle and I just wish she would listen and do what she is supposed to instead of her getting me upset and her being grounded a lot. She is a good kid and sweet but when she gets in that stubborn mood she gets herself in trouble and then wonders why her brothers don't get in trouble or get grounded. One day she accused me of hating her and mad because she was grounded and her brothers never get in trouble.
I told her that her brothers try to do anything to please their parents and when they are asked to do something they do it right away and I don't have to tell them twice. If they are playing video games or watching a movie they will pause it and do what they were asked and then go back and finish what they were doing.
I have to tell her several times especially chores and sometimes she doesn't do them at all and I either do them or they are left for her the next day but she will be grounded for not doing what she was told. Homework is also a big struggle and she knows she can't do anything else after school until her homework is done but she will just sit there for hours and not do anything until I have to remind her several times to do it, then she will finally get it done.

I don't really have any advice to give you other than don't make threats for punishment and not stick with it. Just to let you know that you are not alone and some girls this age are having hormonal issues already.

She usually gets a better attitude after her punishments are over but it sure would be easier if she would just do everything she is supposed to without being punished.

My daughter is almost 13 now and somedays she can be so sweet and cooperative but other days is a struggle and I know that teenagers can be rough especially when their friends have figured out how to manipulate their parents and basically can do whatever they want which she has friends like that and wonders why it doesn't work for her. Most of the time she only gets grounded from these friends and her attitude usually gets better by not being around them so much and picking up their attitude. I also have talked to her about why her friends seem so miserable and want to hang out at her house all the time. If I seem to be so mean then why do they like to be here instead of at home? She realizes that she has a good life after a few days of being separated from her friends.

Pray a lot for wisdom and understanding.

You might look into a mentor program....as well as some activties that will get her more motivated. Some dance, gymnastics or something. NO ONE should allow her NOT to finish her homework...for that she'd be enrolled into summer school. You might also let her tour a juvinile center for kids with behavior & attitude problems. IF she isn't corrected she's going to be a pistol to deal with as she get older. Where is her mother? Do you think that could be part of her problem. I take my hat off to you for being a single Mom & trying to help out with your brother's daughter as well. You will be BLESSED beyond measure! You stay focused & encouraged & know that God blesses us in soooo many different ways.

my children have responded well w "the token system" where i give them the tokens, then it is up to them to keep hold of them. doing chores, being respectful, etc. if you would like more info on it, let me know and i will send it to you.

Have her tested for a learning disability,through the school district, and find a new Doctor.