9 Year Old Behavior Issues

Hi S.

If you tell him you are taking everything away, then do it. You can't make threats and not follow through. That one of the biggest mistake parents make. Pack it up and take it to grandma or somewhere else (the basement is too easy to sneek and get stuff, and too easy for you to give in. You might also take away tv and computer time too. Give him chores and tell if he is bored he can read a book. Make him earn it back like you said. Dr. Phil calls this camando parenting.

Hi S.,

I wholeheartedly agree with the other mom's response. Parents have been stripped of the title "parents" and have become "advisors" letting kids do what they want for the most part. It is time that kids learn who is the boss. They must learn to respect and obey, if not then a higher power usually allows evil to rear its ugly head, and we then eventually have to answer to that higher power for letting our kids have free reign. Take your sons stuff away until he can behave. When he respects you and your husband...let him earn it back.

Have you ever read the book, 1-2-3 Magic? I am reading it now, and am hoping it will work with my 6 and 9 yr. old sons. They like to whine, pick at one another, and call each other names. It's based on counting to 3, but you use it ONLY on these types of behavior (the things you want them to STOP doing). You don't use the counting method for things you want them to START doing (school work, clean room, unload dishwasher, etc...). Our #1 problem as parents is that we TALK TOO MUCH! We try to explain why, we reason, we expect an instant agreement of the the long drawn out explanations we give when we are upset and fed-up! The 1-2-3 Magic book REPEATEDLY says, "Stop talking!". Say, for example, your son wants to go outside and play. You tell him he may go outside after he picks up his legos off the floor and puts them where they belong. He starts whining and says, "Why do I have to do it now?" You say, "That's one." Your son trys to plea some more, "But mom!" You say, "That's two. If you get to 3 you will be put in a 9 min. time out." It's 1 minute for every age. Then the angry words come out of your son's mouth and says, "You're a jerk!" You calmly say, "That's three, go to your room for a 9 minute time out." You can use whatever room you like, but once they go there (and if you have to drag him there - DON'T SAY ANTHING while doing it!!!) let him play or do whatever in his room, but he is to not come out. Now, this part was really hard for me to grasp. Why let them play in there room with toys they enjoy when they are suppose to be punished?? The point is to get him to STOP the whining, screaming, yelling. This is for our own good too! When you stop, they don't have anymore buttons to push on you. Back to the bedroom and playing with toys...They say in the book that some kids will say, "I don't care I like my room, etc., etc.." The truth of the matter is that if they like there room so much, they would be there more often! His ultimate goal in the tantrum was for you to cave and get what he REALLY wanted - To go outside and play. Well, it didn't work. Just remember the biggest key of all is to NOT SAY ANYTHING! There is a lot more to this book, so you may be interested in picking it up. I am just starting this new tactic and WOW! It's working pretty fast! Maybe you can get it at your library or perhaps a friend has it. The book again is, 1-2-3 Magic. I bought mine off of ebay. There are different editions - I bought the newest one. Hope this helps! I understand the frustration. I have done everything that you said you did and are going to do! I think kids thrive off of getting us all fired up. Best of luck!

Shelly

Who else around him talks like this? No matter what you do he probably won't stop if he is modeling the behaviour from someone close to him.

He not too old for a spanking.

Something that always worked for my parents when we were growing up was a reward system. We had nickel cups, when we had a good day, my mom would remove a nickel from her cup and put it in ours, if we had a bad day, she would take a nickel from our cup and put it in hers, after the end of each month, we got to keep the nickels in our cups, you don't necessarily have to use nickels, just something you know your son would want, and hate to lose. We not only need to punish for bad behavior, but reward for good. If kids are acknowledged for good things, they will continue to do those good things. Good luck.

I'm also going to suggest checking out the Love and logic web site, and on that site, listen to funny parenting stories. I've taken all my sons toys away before too, however in my situation, more than just that needed to happen, I needed some changes in the household, and how things were ran, how I handled situations, all that stuff, Love and Logic has taught me to look at my self, has helped me to handle my son with our anger, threats or warnings, With out Yelling or getting mad, I have learned to hand back the problem and give love and suport, and let him suffer appropriate consequences to his actions and/or decisions. GL with your little one.

http://www.loveandlogic.com/audioclips.html

Each of my kids has had their turn being disrespectful to me and my husband. One thing I do that seems to work is to put some dish soap on my finger and put it in their mouth to wash out the dirty talk. This gets their attention and lets them know I am serious about what I say. The hardest thing to do is to follow through with the discipline once you start it. Sometimes tough love is the only way to do it.
I have also told them that they may not play with any friend who is teaching them the bad habits they are expressing at the time. Sometimes I have called the other mothers in the neighborhood to let them know what I am doing at the time to discipline my child so when my child is over playing with their friend the mother can also help me reinforce that behavior and give me a report.