9 Year Old Daughter Is Getting Worse with Her Attitude

You are the mom and you are the boss. You need to take charge and be consistent with punishments until she finally "gets it" that her attitude will not fly anymore the way it is.
Be careful of what she is watching on TV, she could be mimicking some other disrespectful kids she seen.
Lay down the rules and enforce them immediately. Don't take it as a personal attack on you, she is really asking for help and wants and needs the boundaries that you have so far failed at building.
She may need to spend more time in her room "thinking" about how to be nice. Go to the library and get some books for her to read about being a good big sister and other books that have positive messages on behavior. She's learned to be mean somehow and it's making her feel good for some reason.... I say she has something bothering her that you dont know about, and you may need to spend more time just hangin out and talkin to her... take her to lunch (just you and her), she is the oldest daughter and is just trying to FEEL that role. If you start paying a little more attention to her and treating her like the oldest so she feels special, she may not need to bully anymore because her own self esteem will be better.

I agree with Janey - there has to be consequences to this behavior. You need to lay out the rules of the house - include all of your children in the discussion so your 9 yo doesn't feel singled out. Then lay out the punishments for breaking the rules. Stick to them.

The only thing I disagree with (sorry Janey) is your walking away when she behaves badly. Make her leave the room - do not give her the power of stopping the normal activities of the household. If she is rude send her to another room.

Right now you have a 9 yo in control of your household. Take back the control. She will adjust to the rules and you will have a more peaceful child.

Tweens are from 9-12 years old.
She is a Tween.
If you do a Google search on "Tween Development" many articles will come up... and it'd be very useful to read.

Next, sure, Tweens may act so hormonal... already... but perhaps ask your Pediatrician. So that you know, what is 'normal' or not.
The hormones in a girl, already fluctuates... and its not like they even have miracle medicine for it. Not even for women who PMS.
So... not easy.

But yes, any discipline, has to be concrete and consistent.
Whatever manner you think would work with your girl.

The "American Girl" book series, is just for this age. It is a good series... I already got some for my daughter. It is age appropriate, easy to read for the child and the Mom to read, together.

Its easy to be mean. Most people delight in making others feel bad or uncomfortable. Its harder to be nice. Its harder to get joy from doing nice things for others.

She needs to have swift and sure and consistant discipline and punishment when she exhibits unacceptable behavior. Several moms prior to me have endorsed this. If she is mean and finds she has control (because she can make you give up and walk away) she will make your life absolutely miserable when she gets to be a teenager. And she won't be a good, kind, mother or daughter when she is an adult. When she is nice and kind, even if its by accident, she needs positive reinforcement.

When she jumps back when you walk by, ask her why she jumped away. If she cant tell you a good reason, then make her walk by you calmly and nicely a couple of dozen times. She will probably whine about having to do it, but that is part of the conditioning process. I had a son that threw his temper tantrum by jumping up and down and crying and screaming. When he didn't get his way and tired of jumping up and down, I told him he hadn't jumped up and down enough and made him jump up and down some more. When he got really, really tired of jumping up and down, I told him that the next time he threw his temper and did that he would have to do it longer until I got tired of watching him jump up and down. It took about three times of him having to jump up and down until I got tired before he didn't jump and down any more. I used to work in a mental hospital for the criminally insane. There was a 53 year old man on one of our wards/units that, when he didn't get his way, would throw himself down on the floor and cry and scream. He would hit the floor with his hands and kick it with his feet. His parents never disciplined him when he threw this temper tantrum. He never "grew out of it". He will die in the mental institution. He will never know the joy of getting married or holding his child or grandchild in his arms. His parents ruined his life because they never corrected him and made him stop and get control of himself.

Read some of the books the other responders have suggested. What I've told you in the above paragraph can be learned by reading a psychology book about Pavlov and his dog (positive and negative reinforcement).

Good luck to you and yours.

Mom, What is the discipline used when your tween acts like this? It needs to be swift and there needs to be consistent consequences by all parents and caregivers. I would withhold something that means a lot to her for a few days until things get better. You could also stop her plans to do something special when she acts mean and or disrespectful to you other family members as a option. I would go to the library or bookstore and get some books in parenting teens. You need to let her know this behavior is not acceptable, walk away into another room when she has her tantrums and have other family members do the same. Return to the room and talk to her when she calms down and let her know this must stop. Be sure you are complementing her when she is behaving well though and stil provide lots of love and hugs too, only when she is not in the mean mode though. Unfortunately, welcome to tween and teenage years. You can tame some of this thru known consequences to her bad behavior. Good luck with this Mom and stay strong.

if you think this is fun wait until the tortorous 10s. I have known girls to start as young as 9 in thier menstral cycle. for the drama queen I would make them take responsibility for thier own behavior. just like you would a teenager. discipline the picking on sister by grounding or however you do discipline in your house. at that age I highly recommend grounding. if she wants to go hang with the girls say sorry your behavior doesnt warrant being a big girl doing big girl things. no kid treats mom like they do other adults. they are nice and polite for them and test us to the limits. this will pass in due time don't take it to heart.

I would ignore the drama queen acts. they are an attention thing and if you dont react they are no fun. hang in there mine went through this also its just part of being mom

You need to find out what's at the root of your daughter's behavior.

Sometimes it could be because the attention that you receive when you act up is better than no attention at all. Is she receiving enough praise for the things she is doing right and enough quality time with you and her dad? Or is most of the focus (unwittingly) on what she is doing wrong or the "drama queen" role that she happens to play in your family? That's just one thing to think about.

Another possibility is that there is some unresolved hurt that needs to be dealt with. Unresolved hurt leads to anger. I really do believe this to be true. Start thinking about what's been going on throughout her life. Has there been a time that caused a substantial upset in her life that maybe she needed some more guidance on how to work it out but may not have received the amount of support that she really did need for whatever reason? As you are doing this, just realize that this is not about assigning blame or judging whether or not she has a right to feel how she has felt about a particular situation. It's just about reaching out and trying to be understanding of her point of view and helping her identify and work out her feelings. If this is the case, then perhaps a counselor would be really helpful with resolving this old feelings and changing the course of your relationship.

Another possibility is that there is a lack of consistent consequences for her behavior. There's a parenting book called Love & Logic that I've just started reading and am recommending it to all of my friends.

Or, even though you indicate that you believe that she is still too young for puberty, she may still have some hormonal imbalance issue that may need to be checked out.

I hope this helps to give you somethings to think about and possibly some inspiration on how you can help your daughter and the rest of your family. Wishing you the best of luck.

Believe it or not, those hormones are already starting to rage...they start between 8 and 10 even if menstruation doesn't start until 11 - 13. My mother used to call them "dry runs".

I agree with other posters here that you need to define some finite rules. Put them to paper if you need to. The idea of putting it out to all the children is a good one. You might even have them help in the process of building the list, and coming up with suitable consequences if the rules are not followed (you have line item veto of course).

Catching up on some parenting theories for tweens is another good idea that has already been mentioned here. Since this behavior has been going on for awhile, it sounds like you could use a fresh approach. Perhaps talking to a family counselor would be helpful to give both of you tools to better communicate.

Finally, remember, you are mom, you are safe. She knows that you love her unconditionally. Other people aren't like that. THat is why she is her worst with you.

One thing my mother used with me, and I have used occaisionally with my son is this: "I do not like what you are doing right now, (or I do not like this behavior). I LOVE YOU; but if I were just meeting you for the first time, I would not like being around you." and then explain why. Talk to her about alternate ways of behaving (you may have to have a cool down period for you both). Guide her, with examples she can relate to, to a better model of action.

Best of luck!

i was told to go to difficultchild.com a person I met said she read the book & went to the parenting workshop.......she said it really changed her son's attitude after she used the techniques in the book......

Do something about this now because it WILL only get worse.

When our daughter was born, a friend of my husband gave us the Listening to Children booklet series from Hand in Hand Parenting (www.handinhandparenting.org). It was the greatest present we received. I recommend it to everyone, and give the booklets as baby gifts as well. The website and the classes run by Hand in Hand Parenting are also very helpful and supportive when dealing with behavioral problems. Please check it out.

Hi V.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree with a lot of what has been said about discipline and consequences, etc. The only thing I have to add is, How is she doing in school? Is she a good student? Does she struggle with anything at all? Is she being teased by anyone? A lot of anger issues are due to frustration. If she is frustrated with something at school or even at home that she has not been able to verbalize or deal with, she will most likely be angry at herself and you for not helping. (Granted you don't know you are supposed to be helping her, because you don't know what the problem is. But in her child's mind she has to blame someone, and who better than Mom, who will give her unconditional love!)
So see if there is something at the root of the behavior. My own daughter had lots of horrible temper tantrums since she was 1 yr old. She is now eleven and WAY better. Never throws a tantrum at all. There is still a lot to be said about her demeanor, but no tantrums or being disrespectful. (By the way, children, like husbands, will do what you let them get away with.) She was also diagnosed with dyslexia when she was 8. A lot of her frustration (which she expressed in her tantrums), had to do with all the difficulties that come with dyslexia. Now that we are all aware we can help her and she can deal with things. She also takes fish oil daily. that helps with mood swings. you can give that a try. Most people are lacking enough essential fatty acids (which is what fish oil is).

Good luck.

maybe she needs some counseling maybe something is goning on that she can,t tell you. usually tantrums are to get attention even if it is the wrong kind of attention.S.

A quick note---sometimes my kids jump when I get nearby, and it is just that they are startled. I always say, "Why are you so surprised to see me? I do live here."
But it's like they get so focused in what they are doing, they are no longer aware of their environment, so they don't expect anyone to come near that wasn't there before.