A 4 Year Engagement?????

That says it all! This person doesn't value marriage nor does He want to bless you with it. Please go to counseling.

Have a long-time, much loved friend (male) who does this when his significant other of several decades is referred to as his wife. He explained that his lawyer advised this is how one legally prevents the establishment of common law marriage. No forced sharing of assets and/or debts if the couple decides to go their separate ways.

Sweetie I don't know how old you are or how "experienced" you are but in my opinion you are worth far more than you are getting credit for! Are any of the 4 children his? How does he treat you otherwise? I think you deserve much more respect than if seems you are getting. If somehting were tp happen to him would you be taken care of? How about the kids? It sounds harsh to say but if he's happy with the way things are then he won't be motivated to change. I have a daughter who is 27 and if she was engaged and living with her fiancee for 4 years I would be inclined to tell her it's time to "fish or cut bait!" Either he thinks enough of you to marry you or not-and if not then you need to know! Best of luck!

Dear K.
Even in our so-called "enlightened world" stigmas and judgemental people still exist.
Being divorced, you would be referred to as a "Divorcee" with some distaste - the same goes for "living in sin" without a marriage certificate.
There is just no way around it. The world judges, always will.
One has to begin asking "How committed is this man to me?" "Does he love me enough to marry me and be my life's partner?" Or does he totally reject marriage for other reasons (past hurts etc).
Chat to him about his feeling and how his words make you feel and ask him if he feels the same way.
When there are children involved, sometimes a firmer commitment is actually the safer way to go, but it all depends on you both and no-one has the right to tell you what to do.
Jewel

If he is a good man, he's not a drunk, a druggy or cheater and you love him, you could probably make a life with him but you need to come to the realization that being married just might not be something he wants. If you are engaged, then he probably loves and wants to be with you but had issues with "marriage"...probably due to some failed marriages he might have witness. You need to ask yourself can you live a great man who loves you, respects you, takes care of you and is good match with the exception that marriage freaks him out? Do the pros outway the cons? . . .now, that being said, if he's not a great guy, not a great provider and does not show you the love and respect you are deserving of, then there is no question that he is not worth the trouble. Good luck.

You don't mention your age and Kim do you love this man? Two more questions you are a Mother of 4 (or is it really 5) are you serving this man as a substitute Mother (cleaning, feeding and caring for) and a convenient wife (sex and entertainment). Without a heart felt committment, which comes with vows, your job description means you are probably costing him less than it would to hire outside help. I know that sounds crude but having him make it known to others that you are not his wife, just a live in, is also crude. Then also think of the example to the children. How do you justify sleeping and "acting" married for convenience. If your love for this man is at all in question, perhaps you might free yourself to meet someone who would love you enough to make a committment and proudly claim you as a wife. Ask God for wisdom, invite Him into your family, with prayer you and your friend will make the right decision.
Good luck.

Sounds to me like he has Commitment Issues. He's keepin that door open, just in case. I don't know your history or present state, but I would DEFINITELY be talkin to him about where he sees you two and if a wedding is in the near future. It may be just a piece of paper to some guys, but it means the WORLD to us!
Good Luck!

In my personal experience, when a guy is quick to correct people on your relationship status and he refuses to marry you or in your case has a very extended engagement, it is because he does not want to marry you, or is afraid to marry period. Some guys will do the engagement to shut the girl up! but for whatever reason will not marry her. They don't want to let go of the relationship so they give you a promise that they don't intend to fill! Unless you want to stay in your engagement indefinitely you need to move on! I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum I would just simply let him know that you have become aware of the fact that you each want different things and give him your plan to remove yourself from married never never land!

I'm going to go with the crew and agree. I think you know the true answer but maybe its not true unless someone else points it out to you? But it may not be a lost cause. You have to know in your own heart that 4 years is too long. However, some people are just not ment to be tied down by the institution of marriage. And like some other people have already pointed out, is this really a bad thing? There are lots and lots of couple that, if it had not been for that piece of government paper, would have stayed together forever. But bc one of them feel tied down and straggled by the paper commitment they feel no way out but divorce. Again, like what some others have already said, are your happy? Do you need to be pin down by the institution to deem that your relationship is a relationship. By law, you know you are a commonlaw marriage. If its the ceremony that you are after, then maybe you forgo that just to get the certificate. Now you can look at it from another angle; benefits from work. Are you on his medical benefits? If something was to happen to him today, who is his designated beneficiary? How about getting those things iron out, you can say for the safety and future of the kids. If something was to happen to him, it would be easier if he was to desinate you as his beneficiary. Then he can now introduce you as his beneficiary if he does not want to say the word wife. Good luck

You know in your heart what the answer to your question is. I hope you don't get offended by religion, but the fact of the matter is that you are a daughter of God and you should be treated as such by yourself and those around you. Do not settle for less. You deserve to be in a loving and respectful environment...right now, your "fiancee's" words and actions are less than that. Do not settle for status quo because it is "easy." Look for what is right for you...that will be what is right for your family and their long-term mental health!

I don't know what your whole situation is. My husband and I were together for seven years, to the day, when we got married. It wasn't him that was making me wait, it was me. We moved in with each other after only six months of dating. When his friends or family would call me his wife, I too would quickly correct them. I was afraid of the common law thing happening. I would always say, "If I am called his wife without being married, why would we ever need to get married?"
I have been reading the responses to your question and found many people advised you to give him an ultimatum. If he truly has commitment issues (marriage on paper), you may not like his response to the ultimatum.
I had hang-ups because there was so much divorce in my family. Every adult over 30 in my family had been married more than once and a couple of family members have been married six times. I wasn't really afraid to get married but I was terrified of divorce.
I was totally committed to him... heart, mind, body and soul... just not on paper. I had to work through my fears before I could take that last step. Your mate may have some work to do with himself before he is ready to take the next step. It may not have anything to do with "getting the milk for free". I don't know if it will make you feel any better but my husband and I are happily married and have been for 7 years (14 years together). All I can say is that you need to pray that God give you the wisdom to do what is best for you and your children. I wish you all the best and may God bless you in all that you do!

Yes, I think you are right if this remark of his bother's you. I also know that a 4 year engagement is too long, it poses the question does he really want to get married? or did he just want to be engaged to keep you around? Beleive it or not men do things also to keep women around without having to make the full commitment. I know that it's time for you to have a very serious talk with him about want he wants and what he wants with you. And I would ask him why he always says that and make him explain. Bottom line, mentally prepare yourself for responses either way, if the talk does not go your way, be prepared to make changes to leave him. I know you dont want to be single, none of us do, but you are worth more than that. If you are ok with just being engaged but to me it does not sound like you are, also, think about your kids, think about finances, talk with friends and family and maybe you two should seek marital counseling even though you are married yet. Engaged people can seek counseling, you two need to get everything out in the open about how you both feel about your relationship, do you have a future or dont you? Just remember you CAN find a husband but you may have to become single again to find him.

Hi Kim,
I have been married for 45 years and have been very happy. i believe that is because we were so committed to each other's happiness and put God the center of our lives. If you do that, things will work out for both of you. With God, you can do anything. If he won't commit to marriage then maybe you should find someone who really loves and appreciates you. As it stands, I think he us using you. Do you really want to stay in a relationship like you have now for the rest of your live? I think not. You deserve more and so do your children. I wish you well and will be praying for you.
M.

My husband and I lived together before we got married. It was the worst mistake in our relationship that we made. My husband is great at getting into ruts and me moving out and getting my place ended that rut. We would probably still be "living together" if I hadn't of done that. I am still dealing with the ruts..hahaha but at least now we are not miserable.

Gee........I don't know, it depends on how you feel about marriage and do you and your future hubby agree on your arangement......or do you want to get married and he doesn't. You can only make that decision for yourself. And you also know pretty well how things stand. So only you can decide. If I wanted to get married and he didn't, I would tell him what I wanted and expected and if he couldn't or didn't want to........I would find a man that would appreciate and respect my wishes. How ever, it depends on what the two of you agreed upon from the start.

Kim I was engaged for 5 years. Jeff also felt funny about not being honest with people and letting them believe we were married when we weren't, so he would say something to the effect, "We aren't married yet, but we are working on it." So, it let everyone know in the area that we were in a very committed relationship. They way your guy is doing it, sorry, but looks like he wants it known that he isn't committed yet and could be available. I suggest you pull away noticeably from him and the relationship. Meaning, stop making him a priority in your life and drop him down a few notches. God, kids, yourself, family, friends, him. Something like that. Go out with your friends, have fun with your kids, and enjoy your life. If he loves you, then he will step up and choose to be a participant in your life, which comes with a committment. If he doesn't really love you, then the only things that will bother him is that your having fun and not "taking care" of him. Then I say RUN as fast as you can and thank God you never married him! Jeff & I married and have been married for 15 years next year. Our engagement was so long because we were young and wanted to get ourselves finacially stable before marrying. hope this helps you and if it turns out you have to dump him, well you will have made contact with friends and family before hand and will have good support for the aftermath.

I hope you don't get mad -- you asked, and it's my advice and constructive criticism.
Ummm, where should I begin? It sounds to me like you are letting your emotions and hopes run your life, rather than reality and acting as a responsible adult. You are living with a guy in hopes that one day he'll take the next "step", all while you are in love and/or dependent on him in all the ways a wife would and should be. But a responsible adult would realize that it's not the best environment for your children (4?), and your children are watching you be treated this way, and/or watching the example you are setting. Dr. Laura would have a field day with you, and you could learn alot of insight from listening to her. One of the best things she would ask you is: Is this how you would want your daughter to behave? I hope you make a change for the better.

I know this may sound corny but go with your heart. Do you honestly feel happy being engaged for 4 yrs and having a person to respond to you not being his wife. I do not feel that you are over reacting. I think deep down you honestly know what you want, deserve and need. You are starting to take a deep look at your situation and now it is time to decide what exactly are you going to do with it.

Ouch! If the milk is free, why buy the cow? Try it before you buy it has never been a good plan. Unfortunately, many of us have walked in your shoes. This pot is not calling the kettle black but you need to evaluate these phrases in your heart and see if there is not some truth here and maybe redirect. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you and just see what adventure your life becomes.

K.,

A four year engagement is way too long. Have a serious talk with him about it and be prepared to hear the worse. Give him an ultimatum of getting married soon or you walk. You must mean it and be prepared to follow through!

If other people are referring to you as his wife and his only response is "she not my wife we arent married" then you have a real problem and should leave him TODAY. He doesn't say "WE are engaged and planning to get mattered". He is cold and your are his woman of convenience. The robotic "she is not my wife we arent married" is cold and he clearly has you compartmentalized as just the woman on his arm, a woman of convenience. You don't need to hear his excuses, but I might find them amusing and pathetic.

Sounds like you haven't set a wedding date. I believe that he's just been leading you on. It doesn't take any time to get marry. Your first mistake was living with him without benefit of marriage, your second has been waiting four years for him to come around.

Find a good man who's SERIOUS about getting married and having a family. Love yourself enough to leave this reluctant fiance who's just stringing you along. LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO WALK OUT PROUDLY. Cry if you must, but pack your bags and go, or tell him to pack his and go. There's better out there for you.

Sorry if I burst your bubble, but he's destroying your spirit.

In Amazon sisterhood,
B.

He may be trying to prevent your relationship from becoming a common law marriage. Living together doesn't automatically make a common law marriage. In Texas 3 elements must happen for a common law marriage to take place. Both parties must want to consider themselves as married, they must present themselves as being married (i.e. introducing each other as a spouse, filing joint taxes, etc.) and they must live together. By these standards someone could be living with someone less than a week and be considered in a common law marriage or they could live together for 60 years and still not be married. For more information on common law marriages in Texas check out

http://www.co.travis.tx.us/dro/common_law.asp

At this point I think you need to decide how important being married is to you. It doesn't sound as though it is a big priority to him. If you choose to continue the way you are, you may want to consult an attorney. There are some rights and obligations that spouses have that people cohabitating do not. Such as who will get to make medical, financial, or legal decisions should one of you become unable to make those decisions. If one of you were in an accident, the hospital would be breaking the law if they shared any information about your medical condition with your non-spouse. If he owns the house or apartment you live in and something were to happen to him, you would have no legal rights to stay in your home.

It would seem to me that it is time for a good heart to heart between the two of you. What are his real intentions, setting a date if you are really engaged, getting legal protections in place if you are going to stay the way y'all are, or deciding if it is time to move on because one of you wants to be married and one does not.

Good luck. I hope that you are able to make the right decisions for you and your family.

no, you're not being too sensitive. you want to get married, and he likes things the way they are. that's why you've been engaged for 4 years. he figures if you're "engaged" then he's off the hook. you think you're going to get married, he's hoping the engagement will last forever. it may sound old fashioned, but there's something to be said for getting married and not living together.

yes, K., that sensitive thing that is bugging you is your conscience, because you know deep in your heart that your lifestyle is wrong--because God says it is. You can not have real love without real commitment. Please believe I am saying this in a loving way and praying for you as I write. God bless you and give you help and hope....B. R,

A little about me: Mother of 5, probably one about your age, and aunt to about 20 nieces, and grandmother of 4.

Hi K.,
I'm a mother of three 16,15,8.My fiance is not the biological father of my children but is GREAT w/all three. I've been engaged this year for 4 years.I realized that if this wedding is going to happen the process of planning has got to start somewhere.I let time pass and would just think of the day we could call each other husband and wife.
In the beginning of this year i told myself its time to start to plan this wedding because no one is going to get the ball rolling for my own wedding,and he sure wasn't going to do it being a guy{most just don't plan their weddings}.We'll wed in July this year and looking forward to it.I do include him in decesions like the food, colors and other things to have his input on things he may want to have in OUR wedding.
Why i waited so long i'm not sure but i do know hes the man for me FOREVER!!!
I hope there isn't a reason why he may or may not be delaying yalls wedding,or maybe simplly you just need to start the planning. Good Luck

If it was me, it would bother me to no end. But you have to ask yourself a few questions. (are the 4 kids his? if they are-would your life be better without him?) Does he really love you? To me, if he did he wouldn't be so quick to point out that you are not married. The only engagements that I have known to last that long are the ones where the guy really doesn't want to get married so he thinks he can prolong it with a ring and a promise. Are you happy otherwise? Does he take good care of you and your kids? Can you live like this forever? Look deep in your heart and you will find the answers you are looking for. You are the only one who can really answer your own question. Good luck and I hope all works out well for you.

Sorry to put it this way K.. I know this can be hard to take but... 4 years is a really really long time to be engaged. Most people say that by then its not gonna happen. Personally I would lay it all on the line. Now should you do it? That I cant say but for me this would be a put up or shut up situation. I would start planning and preparing, and if he started to object then you know that its not gonna happen and your are better off walking out of the situation rather then staying for 4 more years. Hope this helps.
S.

Why are you still engaged after 4 years and the question is do you want to be married? I heard something not long ago that actually made quite a bit of sense to me and I only wish I had been told this when I was still hitting the dating scene, "Why make someone a priority when they only make you an option?" The time I could have saved on long-term wasted relationships. Have you told him how it makes you feel? By the way, depending on what state you live in, you're considered common-law married after 6 months of living together and taking care of a home.

It would bug me too. I think it also depends on the setting too. I think he should just let it go, you will be married eventually & it may make the other person feel embarrassed at assuming you are married. My husband & I dated for about 6 yrs before marriage & we were together ALL the time so natually everyone thought we were married already but neither one of us corrected it if we were just talking to someone 'in passing' & they assumed we were married, we just let it go but if someone were to ASK if we were married of course we'd say no. I think your fiance should just let it go, IMO. You may want to just ask him point blank, "why do you correct someone when they assume & why can't you just let it slide?" This is something that really bothers you & he should be sensitive to this, you should also point out that he not only embarrasses you but he might also, at the same time, be embarrassing the other person when he so pointedly corrects them. Good luck!

Hi K.,

Have you heard of the expression, "Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free!" It's like you said, you guys live like a married couple already, he's not gonna want to get married. I would recommend that you have a serious talk with him and ask him if he ever plans to marry you. Because you know that in God's eyes it's the right thing to do. And not only that but you need to set a good example for your children. And tell him that it bothers you everytime they call you his wife and he quickly corrects them. Good communication is one of the keys to happy marriage. Good Luck

Hi,
Is there a date for your wedding? If not, why not? Who is "dragging" their feet with this? If he loves you, why won't he commit, legally, to the rest of it all? Believe me, I am NOT judging you in anyway!! I just feel your frustration and fear and pain. I was there. I lived with the promises and hopes for years,almost 10 years, put my life( and of our 2 kids) on hold, waiting for that magic day to come. Sadly, I found out he was seeing other women, even got another lady pregnant while I was pregnant with our 2nd baby. In my heart( of course with hindsight) all the signs were there, I was stable one and consistant, and didn't rock the boat too much.
i let him get away with it because I thought he was the one and didn't want to lose him.I know you love this man, can't imagine life without him, but are you truly happy now? Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? What about the message to your beautiful baby? All I am saying is that you are stronger than you realise right now. It is scary and raising a child alone, it is not what you ever thought would happen, but... IF that does happen, YOU WILL MAKE IT. FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR BABY!!!! Ask yourself the hard questions, what do you really want, is he the one you really want,do you think you are supposed to be with him becasue he is the father of your child, are you willing to live this way for the rest of your lifewith everything exactly the same or do you want more? When you have YOUR answers, ask him questions too. Let him know that changes need to be made regarding your pending marriage and how long you are willing to wait.If he is unwilling to make a commitment and keep it, then you must do what is right for you.Only you know what that is. I wish you the best of luck no matter what the outcome. If you need a shoulder, I am here for you. Remember, you are worth so much more than you are getting right now.

K. -
I would just say COMMUNICATE. If it bothers you then you need to tell him. I'm obviously not sure about all the details of your situation, but you guys need to start talking, because it sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. From his point of view - why should he get married when he is already acting married, and why does he feel the need to "correct" people when they mention you are his wife...what message is that sending. I think a serious conversation is in order. I would try and come to him at a different angle, maybe tell him you were thinking of "goals" for your life and things you want to accomplish, and thinking of where you want to be in 5 yrs and then bring up the fact that you want to be married and see where he stands. Maybe its time to examine your life and really determine where you want to be. I know if you have been together a while and you have little ones the last thing you want to do is have to make a big CHANGE, but you never know it might be for the better. So just think about what you want to say and plan your words and get to talking.
I have been in a similar situation.
Good Luck!
A.

K., what he says shows total lack of respect for you and if he doesn't respect you now he definitely won't respect you after you're married. I speak from experience. I urge you to re-evaluate your relationship with this person. Yours and your children's happiness depend on it.

I lived with my husband for about 3 and a half years finally last year he asked me to marry him. We got married in february. I know how you feel i went through a similar thing with him. I have 2 kids by him. I had to finally tell him if we didn't get married soon i was taking the kids and leaving. You may want to make sure if he still wants to get married. Don't think because you have kids you can't find someone!

Hi K., I hate to tell you this but you may be at a road with no end! It sounds that he is just scared to a big commitment. Have you try to talk to him about the issue and your concerns? If you are really getting tired of your situation give him an ultimatum.

Good luck,
Elisa

Whenever you get the chance in front of his friends and you can make a comment, nice nasty, say oh no he's not my husband, and watch his response!

I think it's time for him to make a committment. My husband and I lived together while engaged. But there was a date set. I think he needs to know where you stand. Have you sat down and talked with him? If you're ideas are different, maybe it's time to move on to someone who will commit to you. After all is said and done, it would be easier for him to walk out if things get tough if you're not married.

Kim,
After three years I gave my Ex-husband an ultimatum. Marry me or I would leave. 5 years later I realize I did not handle this the correct way. We divorced after 3 years of fighting and him acting like he wanted to be single. We had lived together for 4 years before our marriage, but for some reason, after we said "I do" he became rebelous and resentful. We are "dating" right now and working through our issues. Something we should have done before I pushed him into marriage. He now asks me to marry him every day.

My suggestion is to have a heart to heart talk with him. Express your concerns and let it be known you expect to get married down the line. Invite him to express his concerns, let him know how much you love him and want to do whatever it takes to put his mind at ease about this decision. It was obviously in his mind or he would not have asked you to marry him in the first place. Honesty is the best policy and if he truly does not see y'all ever getting married, ask him what he thinks the solution should be. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

I'm sorry to tell you, what you may already know but he is scaried to be married but he doesn't want to lose you either. You will have to have a serious talk with him and just try to get him to realize how deeply it hurts you when he say what he say how he says it. I know first hand.

Just because something is socially acceptable doesn't mean it's right. Deep down you probably already know what is the right thing to do. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice and with that comes commitment. That is why the wedding vows say until death do you part. I really think that if he truly loved you he would want to marry you. My advice is to pray & ask The Lord for guidance. He won't let you down.

K., this would bug me !

Why is it necessary to explain your relationship to anyone ? You are adults, and it is your business. It's almost as if he doesn't want anyone to believe he COULD be married to you.

If you want to be married to him, make your feelings quite clear. If this is not what he wants, move on.

Good luck ! Best wishes !

I say these words with love, please don't take this offensive. I'm sure you've heard this phrase before...
"Why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free"

It should bother you. Is there a logistical reason you are not married? If he is not ready to commit to marriage, you should think about living apart until he is ready for all the committment a marriage is.

Oh, K., my heart goes out to you. I can read in your tone how upset you are by this, and you have every right to be. Four years is a LONG time. Has there been a date for the wedding set? If not, you may have to face the fact that there may never be. It truly sounds like he's not ready to commit. Which may mean rough times ahead.

You must talk to him soon, it's silly to waste more time on a man that doesn't really want to get married. Explain how you feel about your living situation, and what you'd like to change. Remember to keep it about you so he doesn't get too defensive. And then, if he's willing, SET THE DATE. And if not, it's probably time to move on.

Best of luck, I know this is going to be hard.

Well my opinion is that 4 years is a long engagement and it IS odd(to me at least) that he gets upset about it bc if you are engaged than he does want you to be his wife, right? Why would that bother him? Have you asked him why it bothers him so much when people make that assumption??? My question to you is - When he put a ring on your finger what were ya'lls plans and what are they now? I think you have every right to be bothered by it and feel however you do. Are ya'll moving towards the plans ya'll had when you got engaged or are you at a stand still? That's my other question. My thoughts are that maybe you should ask him why it bothers him so much when people call you his wife if that's what he wants you to be. Or ask him if that's still what he wants. I definitely think you have a right to feel the way you do though and you deserve to know what's going on. Good luck with everything!!! This is all just my opinion so please take what you want and leave the rest.

Why are you living together if you want to be married. It sounds like it IS bothering you therefore it should bother you (trying to answer your last question). Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Maybe it is time to make some life decisions. Good luck.

If it bothers you maybe you should say something to him. And if it bothers you that much are you happy with a live in boyfriend or would you rather have a full time husband? Sounds like he doesn't have respect for you, I think the ball is in your court. Good Luck.

I was once engaged to a man for 4 years. He talked like this as well. We had a wedding date for Christmas time, which he backed out of. I was stupid enough to let him come along on the cruise I paid for, for our honeymoon. I should have taken a family member instead. While we were on the cruise, he did something similar to what your boyfriend did. He made sure that everyone at the dinner table (whom we ate with for most of the cruise)know that we didn't get married. Right then, I should have made him find somewhere else to sleep, other than "our" cabin - - for the rest of the cruise. It was very humiliating. I can't believe that I stuck around with him until that following summer (when we "rescheduled" the wedding). He backed out again. That was the last straw. It may take family members and friends helping you see the reality, and keeping you away from him. It may be a lot harder for you, because you have children. I say get out now. Of course, it is your life and your decision. I don't know what to say, since there are children involved. All I can say is that it looks an awful lot like what I went through, just without children. What made me so mad was that he was the one that brought up the idea of marriage. At first, I didn't want a serious relationship. I think he brought up the idea of marriage so that I would stick to him, and not look at other options. Yet, he didn't want to really commit. He just wanted me all to himself, and stole 4 years out of my life. Well, in the end, he lost out, because I found a wonderful man that I've now been married to for over 4 years. I couldn't imagine not being married to him. I forsee that we will be married until one of us passes away. I think you should cut your losses, and let yourself loose from him, or you may lose even more years out of your life.

My goodness! I am really late on this one, and reading through some of the responses, I can't believe how judgemental some people can be. I agree with those who said you need to be certain of your rights in case of a split, etc- definitely good things to look into if this is where you want to stay.
It is absolutely your decision to make whether to stay or leave. It is also very important to speak to your fiancé about your feelings. Maybe he doesn't want to get married, but is fully committed to you. In my opinion and experience as an avid people-watcher (and former bartender) that ring & piece of paper don't mean what they used to anymore. So many marriages end in divorce now, it's ridiculous. It's like the legal jargon is just another step in the way of a break-up. I've seen couples who had been married 10 years or more, in their 40s still acting like teenagers dating in high school where they are happy together one day / separated the next. Maybe this is where your guy is coming from, but you won't know until you talk to him about it. Why is it so important to you? Is this something that you can't live without if he makes you happy- regardless of what some people say?
I am happily married, coming up on our 5-year anniversary after dating for 4 years before that, and we did live together for 2 years of that time. There was never any doubt that we were fully committed to each other, but if there is doubt in your heart, it is definitely time to do some soul-searching.
I wish you the best of luck and truly hope things work out for you & your family.

K., my first thought on this is that he definitely does not want your relationship to be considered as "common law marriage." The fact that he makes that point (that you are not his wife) should be of great concern for you. He may treat you nice, but there is a problem if your relationship is one where you notice and yet are uncomfortable with confronting him about it. With marriage, you have to be able to discuss things, and even if you disagree in your opinions, you should be comfortable with expressing your thoughts. You should know that you have his emotional support for life, even when you have different perspectives on certain matters. You will complement each other. Don't be afraid to speak your mind. And, yes, above all, your kids are watching and have possibly heard him say that, too. I am not necessarily saying to throw him away, just to trust yourself and respectfully open up the matter to discussion with him.
Linda C.

It sounds to me that you 2 are in seperate places when it comes to your relationship. Talk with him and ask him why it bugs him so much when people call you his wife. Tell him that "you aren't my wife" isn't the reason, the truth lies somewhere deeper.

A 4 year engagement is an awful long time. Everyone has their own personal reasons as to why their engagement was as long/short as it was, but 4 years? Sounds like someone has cold feet-or frozen. Find out what the problem is, and see if you can work from there.

When my husband and I were dating (not engaged) but CLEARLY very serious, the guys he worked with called me "the wife" and he LOVED it and he let them. They called me "the wife" and I didn't mind at all, because we knew we had found our "one."

It is very concerning that your boyfriend continues to emphasize that you are not his wife ,especially to other people. This seems like an obvious lack of commitment and respect for you. Are there other problems in your relationship.? It sounds as if he wants the benefits of a married life without the commitment. Be careful. Evaluate your relationship and decide if you really want to continue this. Discuss this issue with him and see what he says. Do you want to get married? Does he? Is there a descrepancy there?You do not sound happy with the arrangement you have. Get the confidence to make a change and leave him behind if he continues to treat marriage with you as a negative, undesirable activity. Good Luck. J. K.

Hon-without knowing really too much about him or you, he sounds like he is afraid to commit. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he isn't ready to get married or like what happened to me - he wasn't sure I was the right one, so he kept waiting around and then decided (because his friends told him) that he needed to break up with me so he could find out if there was someone else out there. I was with mine for 4-1/2 years and it has been 2 years since then. I found out later he was just using me for money and sex. I haven't seen nor spoken to him since my sister died a year ago. I thought it was really nice that he came to that, but I know now it would never have worked out. Good luck! Maybe if you talk with him about it he can give you some understanding of how he feels about marriage and commitment.

You deserve better-- I am hard pressed to understand why women settle for so much less -- we allow ourselves to give up our souls to individuals who do not value us. Women's power remains in keeping chaste - I know that sounds old fashioned - but along with that comes respect - honor - it you don't cherish yourself - why should anyone else? He scared of commitment or not -- has a great life - sex whenever he wants - he doesn't have to work for it - someone to do his laundry - cook - his own valet service so to speak - and when he wants he can up and move out and move on anytime he wants -- After 4 years he has shown his true colors -- you are not the "love of his life" that he would climb mountains for - you deserve that - I say take a breather - I am assuming you work - get your own place - make some supportive female friends - take classes and focus on you and gain back your self worth - and learn just how wonderful and special you are. Love is a decision you make everyday to put yourself out for the other - it takes sacrifice, commitment, putting the other first - protecting them -- you don't have this in this relationship and you deserve it. Calmly sit him down and ask him where are we going - tell him where you want to go - and be doing in the next year -- stop hoping and wishing in secret that maybe next year we can get married - it's best to know now and move on with your life and build a better one - before there is a child brought into this situation and their life is made insecure and unstable because the adults in his life can't get their act together. Children deserve better. My advise - is get out there girl and find the life you want - I was engaged for several years to someone who never could set the date - and I walked - and wow -- within a year I found my husband -- had 2 children - travelled -- and never looked back. You can have the life you need - and desire - just not with this guy. Don't settle ---

This was my situation too. I gave him an ultimatum. (Please don't consider giving an ultimatum unless you are willing to follow through.)

I agree with the sentiment of 'Why buy what you can get for free'. It's unfortunate but 4+ years of 'no obligations' sex is a great deal for a guy.

I suggest listening to Dr. Laura, she's on AM 560 from 9-11 in Houston. Or you can go to her website www.drlaura.com where I believe you can get pod casts of her shows. You can also get her books, on audio too, from the library. She's great but doesn't walk on egg shells for anyone. I wish I had listened to her years ago.

Best wishes.

What four years... leave the dude. He's not worth it. There's an old saying if the farmer is getting the milk for free why buy the cow. If your children are his, you can make him pay child support via the Texas Child Support System. it might be tough... but you will not be the first or the last.

This sounds like the old saying "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?", if you ask me. If he is that "quick" to say you're not his wife, then it sounds like he doesn't want one.

M.

hi kinberly
i was engaged for aobut 6 years before we got married and my husband well he was not young dude he is 44 now. and we got married last year. any ways i had left and stayed with my parrents for about three months i just couldn't take it anymore. then he decided to get married with me set the date in december.
well after waiting so long i have mixed feelins about the marrage. I stood by his side all that time and he always made me feel that i was not good enougth so that is why he would not marry me. he would say the same thing when they would call me his wife like what your man says.
Now he is letting everyone know that i am his wife.
But he never gave me much attention and now seems that i have rediscverd my inner beauty cause i have men hitting on me leftand rigth i must admit i love the attention. Seen like i said be for he made me feel like i was not good enougth for him to get married to me and boy did he give me a whole buch of excuses. Now has is finaly beginging to see that he as an attractive wife but of the men that frilt with me and check me out. It has given me the confidence that he had taken away from me.
Now he does not know what to do. He should give me attention like i gave him for all those years. but he is not.

But i guess that you should think this througth very carefully. And maybe ask him what he thinks about you guys getting married.
but look at everything very closely you deserve to be happy.

Sorry, but I have to be blunt here. Why should he get the cake when he has the icing?

I'm old fashioned and married in my 30's and still believed in purity! That's what God wants. Living together is only making it easy for him.

Talk to him too. Put your foot down if you're serious that he's the one for you. No more icing for him without the cake! :-)

Hmm...four years is a long time to be engaged. When is the wedding date? How much planning have you made? Start making those plans and putting some money into it. Get that ball rolling.
Is there a reason for the hold up? Finishing college? Just from what you have said, this would bother me too.

Regards,
Deborah

It's really hard to give good advice without a little more background. Reading your post, my very first thought was it sounded a lot like a "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" situation, but I might be giving your fiance less credit than he deserves.

I think you need to decide for yourself what you want from this relationship, instead of asking us what we think you should want. You say you're engaged; do you have a wedding date set? Are you working towards one? Is he acting as a father to your children? (I'm guess that he's not the father of all of them, if any, just because having 4 kids in 4 years would be difficult if they're not multiples--but I could be wrong!) Are you ok with the fact that he has no legal responsibilities towards you and the children since you're not married? Are your finances combined, and are you ok with that? I think once you answer all of those questions you'll know whether this is the relationship for you and if you should be bothered...but the fact that you asked the question makes me think the answer will probably be yes.

Trust your feelings. Is marriage ever a topic of conversation? Do you feel you have to be married? Could you continue to live with him? How does that feel? Why does it feel that way? You are asking us, but truly you have all the answers.

K. does the phrase why go get the milk when you got the cow at home?Thats what he doing getting free milk.I think that you should sit down and ask him why is it that every time someone says that your his wife he has that typeof reaction.You need to know what are his plans for you alls future.Being engaged for 4yrs is a long time.As long as hes engage hes fine.Let him know that youre ready to be his wife and see what his reaction is.Your future is your happiness.B. F.

It would bother me.... he is following the "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" philosophy. After 4 years of living together he doesn't have any valid reason not to marry you, unless he just doesn't want to. Its time for him to poop or get off the pot. Have you discussed marriage? What does he say?

When he tells people you aren't his wife he is saying the truth, you aren't his wife, no matter how much you act like it or what your living situation is, so that isn't really anything to get upset about. What I'd be upset about is devoting 4 years of my life to a man as his fiancee.... It would hurt me that he would not commit all the way to me after that long.

The man either marries you now or leaves. He has no intention of "buying the cow if he can get the milk for free". I believe you are also not setting a good example for your children. If the man is not their dadday and married to you, he doesn't belong in the house.