Help with Boyfriend Issue

Calling off a wedding is much, MUCH easier than facing the issue after a marriage and possible divorce.

Don't marry the guy. You will regret it. Yes, walk away. You can make calls to cancel their trip. You can sell the dress on Craigslist. Please, don't marry him. It doesn't get better. He will come up some retarded excuse and you will believe him. Run fast!

It sounds like you need to talk with him, and you did not say how old these e-mails were. From a wife of over 30 years you do need to go into this with the long term in mind, and no feelings of why did I do this or do I need to do this to keep face. Being married is not an easy job there will always be things that come up for you to disagree about be it something something not put in the right place or left out. TALK TO HIM.

If the e-mails were very recent, I would have serious doubts too.
I think you should talk to your fiance about it. He will likely deny anything is going on and maybe they really were only e-mails and nothing more.
But, you need to know if his heart is really in this. You need to decide if your heart is really in it.
Cancelling a wedding is a lot easier than going through a divorce.
I'm 48 years old and you'd be surprised how many women I know that went through divorce who say, "I knew I shouldn't have gotten married, but I didn't want to let anyone else down. We had the church, the dress, all the plans were in place. I couldn't just walk away."
Follow your own heart. In the scheme of things, cancelling a wedding isn't the worst thing in the world. If you're truly just having "cold feet" about it, maybe you and your fiance can get things worked out in the end.

Best wishes. Really.

The best advice I got at my bridal shower was, "Keep your eyes wide open before your marriage and half closed afterwards." Meaning, if he is already hurting you and seems like a dishonest cheater, don't shut your eyes to it because of the wedding plan. If you were married, I would TRY to work it out, but since you haven't committed yet, go find someone who makes you feel safe and loved.

I do special events and have done many many so many weddings. I started out as Bridal Consultant about 32 years ago.. I have always told Brides. "Listen to your heart. It is guiding you."

All of the Wedding "prep" is a tiny drop in the bucket compared to being married.
If you cannot trust the person you are marrying, who can you trust?

My husband is my best friend in the entire world. Once our child has left our home, it is just me and him till we die. I have to be able to trust him.

I am assuming since you are here on this website you have a child? Would you ever want your child to be treated the way your fiance has treated you? What would you advise your child in this situation?

You deserve to be happy, secure and totally loved by the person you marry.
Do not accept any less.

There is Couples Therapy. You could consider going with your fiance. If he does not want to go, go by yourself.

I am sending you strength.

You poor thing! Please don't be embarrassed you did nothing wrong. He's totally and completely in the wrong and you have a right to feel betrayed! If he'll able to do this now when you're at your happiest as a couple "right b/f marriage" then image what it will be like when you have hard times in your marriage. I'm very sorry b/c this is an awful thing to find out, but be grateful you're finding out now instead after you're married with kids. I guess you have to decide if you can live with this or not b/f you call off the wedding. Can you get over this and trust that he won't cheat again? Will you believe him when he makes his vows to you or will it make you sick to your stomach? It's a million times better to never get married than to get divorced later on. Best of luck to you and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Divorce is way more expensive and traumatizing than an aborted wedding. I probably wouldn't bother even asking him to defend himself. But that's just me.

So go ahead and ask him what is going on. But maybe also go straight to the other party...This girl. And it is not about not trusting him. But more about letting her know you are not about to let her push you around and violate your relationship without a fight. Besides, she is far more likely to give you the real story.

I am so very sorry for your hurt. It is so painful to feel betrayed by someone you are committed to. I have been married for 13 years and the man that I married is not the man I thought he was. 13 very difficult years and 4 kids (by the grace of God) later and I am stuck. Not just a little bit stuck but with 4 kids I don't dare break up this family. I chose to do some therapy and made him go as well and fortunately he has been compliant. If I knew the kids would still be in my world if I had done things differently I would have done things very very differently. I would not have married him. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and if I had known him for real before I wouldn't have married him. He did not truly reveal himself to me until after we were married. You are not overreacting. Do not get 13 years in and be miserably stuck. It is very very very painful and lonely. It is worth walking away and while painful at first to cancel will be worth every bit of your self esteem in the end. I will be praying for you and your broken spirit and heart.

Confront him. Get it out. If the wedding is off, you call his Mom 1st and explain. Then call yours next. If he says it is a slip up. Postpone the ceremony 12 months and give him a probabtion period. Maybe he is feeling "stressed" about it all. It's not an excuse but he may try and use it.

I am so sorry about this! Don't feel guilty if you need to walk away from the marriage. It is better to find out before than after and have to undo the damage done. If you are not ready or whatever was in the emails changes how you feel about him or your relationship, don't get married right now. Not saying never, but not now. Its ok to wait or not get married at all. YOU didn't do anything wrong. If your B/F is in the wrong here, he should be apologizing to you and making things right-if he doesn't do that, he is not worth it! Take care and do what is best for YOU. Who cares about the dress the other arrangements etc. Its your life--live it the way you want to.

M

I can honestly tell you that is much better... Before than After ... It is difficult but it will be more difficult if you get married and later on you are unhappy and want a divorce....

As a mother, even I would like some explanations, I will always prefer that my daughter is 100% completely sure of what she is doing since marriage is such and important thing to do and the rest of the people... will talk... buth they will anyway.... and that is really not what you should care at this moment.

You are talking about YOUR LIFE and how you feel about the man you are planning to marry.

I will not tell you or anyone to marry or Not to marry, that is your choice and it is your life and your are who is dealing with the sadness, betrayal, fear, anger, etc... only you know if this is really important to change all your plans... and ofcourse only you know what was in the emails.

Would you.... can you....live with what happened?.... If not, I do not think that your marriage will work.... if you can, then you have a chance.

Do not go through with the marriage if you do not think you can get over this.... divorce will be ten times harder (if not more) plus all the fights and distrust and fear that you will have to endure before deciding to divorce.

At the same time I'll tell you, do not make any decision while angry. Calm down, think about all the situation and make SURE what is WHAT YOU WANT.

No reason for embarrassment. You have to consider what is easier to unwind...a few wedding plans or the actual marriage. If you find it necessary, push the wedding back until you figure everything out, otherwise, it is time to walk away.

Did he send the emails since you have know him and been dating? If so, then BAD....get out now! If before, i would speak to him honestly about this. But most of all DO NOT let the fact that you have a wedding planned factor into the decision. It will be hard to walk away but you WILL live through it. This will be far better than harboring this distrust and resentment your WHOLE life...because, yeah, marriage is about forever and not just that one "special" day.

This is one of those "red flags" and you should listen to it. Walking away from a wedding will be much easier than trying to get a divorce later if it comes to that. Good luck to you with whatever you choose, but I would confront him and talk with him about the emails for sure and don't let him persuade you if your gut is telling you something different. Let us know what happens.

If he's doing it now, he will do it later.

If you are ill at ease now, do not get married. You will live the rest of your life with this, and may get divorced.

The dignified thing to do is talk to him and tell him you're calling off the wedding, and why. Then tell your family and friends that right now it's just not the right move for either of you, and that you're calling off the wedding, but that you thank them for their understanding and love, and the support for this decision.

If he spreads gossip - keep your cool. Feel free to tell those closest to you as they can support you and help keep you strong.

Don't marry him, please?

Go with your gut instinct on this. Just reading what you say I'd say run to the nearest exit. My engagement ended about 4 weeks before the wedding and my fiance saved me from what would NEVER have worked. I got married, much later and now have a very good life with him. Choose wisely.

Counseling is the answer here for both of you. BEFORE the marriage. It really doesn't matter who started what or how long it had been going on. You need answers and a marriage is not something you just walk away from without giving it your best effort.

Good Luck

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You know you are NOT overreacting because you found "disgusting" emails to another girl. The big question is did you feel a bit 'off' even before you found these emails? Marriage is for the rest of your life, so this is not a way to begin your marriage. Find out why he did this & then make your decision. Don't be afraid to walk away from the weeding. If you decide to walk away let someone you are very close to do the dirty work of contacting people to call off the wedding. It's better to walk away from the wedding rather than walk away from the marriage. Best wishes

I think you already know the answer to what you are asking. Listen to your gut feeling. It sounds like he has not really left his past behind. Put everything on hold and let him know why. I would not walk down that aisle with anyone that has betrayed me. Past behaviour is a pretty good indication of future behavious. Good luck. Sorry might not be what you want to hear but follow you head not your heart.

L.

If those emails are recent, I would get out now! A mature individual does not have "jitters" of that type; it's more likely to be an addiction that will follow him until he makes a conscious decision to change, which usually requires some help from a professional or a group. BTDT. You don't want to be there. You don't want your child to be there. Your gut is nearly always right.

If you ask yourself honestly, are there other things that make you uncomfortable somewhere deep down? This type of behavior usually comes with a whole host of other questionable things that might not seem serious now, but can become serious later. Are the two of you open about your finances? About your whereabouts? About mail and email? Does he have male friends that he shares interests with? I'd be concerned about someone who doesn't have close friendships with even just a couple of guy friends.

As nearly everyone else has said, it's much easier to get out of a wedding than a marriage, especially if children are involved. You and the important people in your life will be proud if you make the right decision now.

I think its important for you to address and resolve this issue (and perhaps others that are related?) before you get married and see if the relationship is salvageable. I would recommend counseling where there is true accountability and transperancy. Maybe even some mentoring by a couple who have a solid marriage. It's better to wait and be ABSOLUTELY sure than to go into the marriage in order to save face with people feeling like you do and be miserable. Afterall, you will be the one living with him. Take your time to decide, it'll be worth it no matter what you decide! I pray that God will give you the strength and wisdom to proceed. God bless!

If you are having doubts, cancel or postpone the wedding. Listen to that little voice inside, it is rarely wrong. Don't be embarrassed.

I cancelled a fully planned wedding. Everything was bought and paid for. Everything was planned, all the details were worked out. I knew I'd be making a mistake to marry. It was my best decision ever.

What type of emails were they, were they sexually explicit, like he wanting to get into her pants kinda emails or disgusting like he was badmouthing you to her?? Either way, doesn't matter, it's still betrayal. If it were me, I'd walk away, by writing this down, you already stated that you feel betrayed. If he's doing it now before marriage, who's to say he won't continue or even increase it after marriage. So what if you have all the wedding plans together, it's only too late when you say 'I Do' then it's really never 'too late', just more complicated to deal with after the marriage. I'd get out now while you can. Just let him know that you've found the emails & no matter what excuse or reason he gives you for sending those, it's still no good reason to do it. You can always keep everything & use it later for a wedding but you're definitly not over reacting. I'm dealing w/the same issue right now w/my husband so I understand how you feel but my situation occurred AFTER marriage so it's a bit more complicated since there's a co-dependancy issue right now of me not making enough money to go on my own right now but for you, definitly reconsider marrying him or at least consider counseling. While you alone are ultimately the decision maker, be strong & don't let him convince you he won't do again b/c in my experience w/other guys that 'did me wrong' so-to-speak, they ALWAYS did it again & again soooo that's the best advice I can give you. I wish you good luck & just think things through. All is not lost ya know. You may've already paid for many of the wedding things but most of that can be saved & a lot of the time, it's best to accept the loss of money rather than loss of feeling secure in your relationship. Good luck!

You already know the answer, no you are not overreacting! It's better to find this out now, rather than after the wedding! You don't want to be married to a man you can't trust. I know this is breaking your heart, and I am really sorry for you. It is a mess, but your family will totally understand that he has issues! Always trust your inner voice, it may be saving your life. Dump this guy, you can do better! Good Luck!!

Hi M.,
Don't be embarrassed, be glad that you found those emails. I am guessing they are recent too. He is not ready to get married and may never be. It is time to reassess your relationship with him. If you need counselling now how hard is it going to be in a year?
The people who you have invited to your wedding, the ones who love you, they would rather you call off the wedding now than marry a guy who send dirty emails to other girls. When you get married it is supposed to be all honeymoon and devotion to eachother for the first part. If there is already another person in the background you don't have a marriage. Don't waste your beautiful, precious life. Find a yummy, wonderful, loving man, who only wants you. One who is 150% crazy for you. Get rid of the second rate one. Your broken heart will heal.

First of all, if you have any doubts it is ok to postpone the wedding.

You don't have to decide wether to stay or go right now, but it sounds like it is time to put the brakes on. Maybe seek out a couples counselor or attend pre-marital classes. I'm assuming these were recent emails, so I can understand feeling less than sure about your intended's ability to commit for life.

You don't have to tell people why the wedding date has been moved back, just say you will let people know when you reschedule. Heck you can even enlist your bridesmaids to call guests if invitations have already gone out. You can hold onto the dress for now in case you are able to work through things, or sell it later you decide to call it quits totally. In the meantime pray for guidance and wisdom. Good luck and God Bless!

I;m sorry but i thinky ou need to reconsider getting ready and i would tell him why! that is not right and if he feels that it is then he is mentally ill! i thinkyou should seriously recondiser what you are getting ready to do!

Oh my gosh! You are SSSOOOOO lucky to find this out now before you got married!!! I found out my ex was doing something similar right after we got married. Had I known before, heck yes I would have called off the wedding! The divorce was a nightmare. Since we were already married I decided to try and make it work. We went to counseling and I forgave him. He promised he would never see his “lover” again and stop contacting her. NOT!!!

Imagine if this were your daughter or your best friend…what advice would you give her if she was going through this??

Trust your instincts. You may be ruining the wedding plans and everyone else's plans to come, but better that than the rest of your life. No one can really tell you what to do. You have to make your own decision here so that you are happy with your choice. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Its definitely a tough decision. You may want to sit and talk with your fiance before making any decision to make sure it is what you think it is. More than likely it is, but be sure.

It should not be embarrassing that you found out the facts. What would be embarrassing is that after finding out the facts, you marry him anyway and then he is not the man you hoped he would become. Then going through a divorce when you knew better - now that would be embarrassing - explaining that to your family and friends. And you would not want to have to explain that to your kids whether you have any now or plan to have some.

After processing all of the facts, you have to go with your gut. The man you marry has to be the one that you can trust with all of your heart.

If you decide not to marry him, people will understand and will see you as a woman of great strength and a lot of guts. If there are things that can't be canceled, then have a party with whomever traveled out, like a reunion. Have them bring old photos so the focus can be on the relationships you have and not on the one that you walked away from.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you do what you know is right, you will be able to help others going through tough times. You will be able to tell them that even though there is great pain now, it will lessen and they will find strength and confidence. Go to the people that you trust and get their support. You will need people to walk alongside you and hold you up.

I don't think you're overreacting at all. At this point in your relationship, contact with ex's (especially graphic contact) is unacceptable. Don't decide to get married just because you're so close to the date of the wedding. You would truly regret it if this kept continuing into the marriage. I would recommend asking him to cut off all ties with her. If that doesn't work or he refuses, try couples counseling. I know you don't have much time until the wedding, but you could always postpone it. Look at the bigger picture. I really hope it works out (whatever you decide to do) and good luck!

This is a great chance to practice talking out a problem. How will he react? How does he take your concerns, whether valid or not? It can be a window into the future to see how you will do when the tough stuff comes along.

If you want to marry him, you (and him) can absolutely go to a marriage counselor. A good one that will help you learn how to resolve conflicts is invaluable. Heck - going to one now before you are married may save you two from years of bickering --- one way or another.

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. It's awful! As difficult as it is, I agree with the other posts that it's better to postpone now. He'll be furious and probably blame it on you and make you feel like it's your problem and you're overreacting, but marriage is really hard! This problem will get amplified in the marriage and walking away from a marriage is 1000 times worse than from a wedding. You can always set another wedding date if the two of you figure all this out.

At least you found out now, I would at least confront him and allow him a chance to explain. If you still feel uneasy, then post pone or cancel alotogether. Marriage is hard enough, you don't need this dark cloud of suspicion following you, best of luck...

if the letters are recent your super lucky you found out before you got married. even if it were a couple of weeks before the wedding you would still count your blessings for finding out and having the option to quit before you start! if the letters are super old, before you got together or with in the first few months of you dating i would blow it off. if they are recent i would tell your guests that the wedding has been called off. i am sure there is proper wording for a situation like this. i am so sorry this happened but i am also greatful for you that it happened before the marriage so you know exactly what your getting in to or avoiding. its entirely up to you. i personally would go on with my life with out him.

No matter how bad calling off a wedding may be (and yes, it will be dreadful), a divorce would be worse. Way worse. (Whatever you spent on your dress--the divorce will cost you more.)
Address this with him now. If he convinces you to stay with him, go to counseling NOW. If you have a major problem to work through, two months is probably not going to be enough time to work through it. Don't get married if you're not totally sure. You are smart not to just look the other way. You still have an out because you are not married yet.

How old are the emails?
What else is going on in your relationship?
Have you talked to him about this?
Have the two of you had premarital counseling?
Often your gut reaction in this is the most important one, BUT, you need to make sure. You must talk to him about this right now. If the emails are current, you have a big problem. If they're old, they're water over the dam. Talk to him and get some counseling.
It is much less heartache in the long run to walk away from a wedding than to marry the wrong person because you have a dress and the families and friends are coming.

First and foremost, let me tell you how sorry I am. If I could, I would give you are great big hug right now. As hard as I know it is, it is MUCH easier to walk away from the wedding plans and the gorgeous dress NOW, than it is to get married and then get a divorce later. This is the man you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with. If he's sending questionable emails now, what else is he doing, and what's he going to be doing when you ARE married? Don't expect those things to change because typically people are the same people before and after they get married. You have to have trust in your marriage and doing something like he's done makes him the opposite of trustworthy. You deserve nothing less than to be happy and secure in the relationship you choose for life. Your partner should adore you and should never, ever disrespect you like this. Do not accept any less. If you decide to, there is always couples therapy, but go WITH your fiance and BEFORE you get married. Also, don't worry about your families or friends - they will love you no matter what and will understand if you decide to walk away.

Marriage does NOT change people. If he is doing these sorts of things now, chances are, he won't stop later. Also, if you have feelings of misgiving, marriage won't make those go away, either. Experience has taught me to ignore my gut at my own peril. It sounds to me like your gut is talking to you. I would at the VERY least postpone the wedding, if not cancel it altogether. Your friends and family will understand. Don't let the pressure of a one-day event mark the beginning of a miserable life for yourself.

Were the emails to this girl sent since you've been engaged? Guys do stupid things before they commit themselves and sometimes again when they make the commitment. Being his fiance you have every right to know more and I think you should talk to him about it. Go with your instincts though as to whether he's being honest or not. If he gets the least bit defensive then he's been caught doing something he shouldn't be. I've got a lot of experience with this - unfortunately.

Good luck and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I know how sick you must feel. :(

I am assuming that you found "current" emails to an ex. I am not a jealous person at all and I still agree that is betrayl. Who cares if he is or is not currently doing the deed, apparently he is attempting to. If this is happening now, 2 months prior to your wedding day, I would have to belive it is not something that will stop just because the day passes. You deserve a man that "wants" to commit himself to you. Someone once told me, the hardest thing about "being" married is "staying" married. All marriages have ups and downs, if both people are not 100% commited, I don't see how you make it last. You will either divorce or live a very miserable life and no one deserves that. I know it seems like a lot of money wasted, people to be disappointed... believe me, no amount of money is worth a lifetime of dishonestly and cheating and secondly... your family and friends WILL understand. Just please don't let fear walk you down the isle. If your fiance' is truly in love with you and "made a mistake", if you walk away, and mean it, he will find a way to make it right and win you back eventually. You stay, you are telling him that it is okay, and it won't stop. It will be hard whatever you decide, but you have to think about your future. And YOUR quality of life, do you want to live always feeling insecure? You deserve better than that. Good luck.

If you feel inside that the marriage will be a mistake, cancel the wedding.
Better to lose some money than several years of your life and happiness.
Sorry, sweetie, but be glad you found out now and not with O.-on-the-way or worse!
We all pay some "stupid tax" in our lives. It makes us smarter :-)

Are these emails from his past as in before you or are they recent? Although it's never easy to read your potential husbands love letters or whatever they are it doesn't define who he is NOW, that is his past. I know coming from experience it's easy to pass judgement. Give him a chance to explain the emails before you call off the wedding, honestly men do not think of ridding their past ex's stuff they don't realize they have it half the time so it takes someone like you to talk to him and let him know these emails are hurtful and you would like for him to delete them or if you feel ok about it just delete them yourself. If he is still in contact with this person right now then I would address it with him and you both will have to decide whether to commit or break ties better to know now then a year down the road, communication will get you way further then not saying anything at all to him. Best wishes and stand firm.

It's so easy to say walk away. I know it's harder than that. I can tell you that I heard a preachers sermon once where he said before you get married pray about it. Pray that if he's gonna cheat - let it be now! Pray that it be revelaed, sooner rather than later, if this is the person you shouldn't marry. Pray that if you have to cry for the next 6 months, let it come to light now before you have kids and a mortgage. This sounded crazy to me. Why wish for problems. I don't pray much and I have never prayed for something negative to happen, so I wasn't too sure about that one. But I was planning my wedding so I started thinkning, yeah i would rather know now, before things get passed the point of no return. So I prayed about it. "If this is not the man I am supposed to marry, please reveal it to me now." No more than a week later, the love of my life showed an ugly violent side to himself that I had never seen. It was horrible and I was crushed. But it was an answered prayer that I am so grateful for now! I could've made a huge mistake. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. I can't tell you what to do. I don't know. Maybe it was just a last hoorah to get it out of his system. Maybe it was written a long time ago, before he really committed. Maybe he thinks it's ok to flirt as long as it goes no further. If it's something like that, maybe it could be saved if he understands how deadly serious you are taking this. If it's something worse, than rather cry for 6 moths now than later when you have kids and a mortgage.

I think from the tone of your request, you already know the answer to your question. You need to cancel the wedding, or at least postpone it. Don't go into a marriage without resolving this BIG issue!

No amount of money spent can pay for years and years of wishing you had waited or cancelled, or for the emotional and financial toll a divorce would cause. Just think of it... if its this difficult to cancel the wedding now, how much more difficult would it be afterwards to admit it was the wrong choice to go through with it. I still remember the concerns I had prior to my wedding. Things didn't change after the wedding. After the wedding, you're even more locked in and invested. It's even harder to admit to both sides that you made a mistake, and it's even harder to try to start over. Something tells me that you're never going to truely be able to forgive this, and even if you do, you'll never forget. Do you want to start a lifetime with someone whom you no longer trust or respect?
Be strong for yourself...