Several Issues with My Future Husband....

I think you should wait longer to get married. You seem to have way too many differences. And he seems to be all into himself. I say this from 33 years of marriage. And we had way too many differences so it was hard. I still really can't explain why we are still married. But we're doing much better nowadyas. Just give it a bit more thought.

First of all, I don't want to sound like Dear Abby. But, if he gets mad and "rough" with a 9 month old he is not "daddy" material. If he gets mad at a baby he could start getting mad and rough with you also later on. I personally would not get married and possibly run the other direction. Just my opinion.

M., Get rid of this guy asap. He will never change and may become abusive to the child and to you. You can do better and find a loving man who will be a great husband as well as a super dad. Good luck.

I am sad to say that your fiance sounds exactly like my son's father. We were never married and I am no longer with him. He had the same issues about my son and couldn't understand that he is with me all day, of course he is going to be more attached to me then him. He ended up being abusive to me and the last time I let it happen was when he threw me across the kitchen and punched the freezer door. Our son at the time was 1-1/2 and he saw the whole thing.

Hopefully, this is not happening to you but my ex definitely had angry and control issues. What I think you should do is NOT get married. Sorry. Especially if he can't suck it up for one day and let you have the wedding you want. And understand that a baby doesn't have to be a MAN the moment he comes into the world.

You're fiance is being a butt. You can still have a regular wedding without having a huge affair. If your fiance doesn't understand how important that is to you then honestly he's not worth your time. Especially if you've already spent a ton of money on this. His inability to understand your feelings on this just show that when you are married he will be inable to understand or respect your feelings, that's not a sign of a good relationship.

M., honey, i hate to tell you, but if you see these things now they will probably become more evident as you marry and continue your relationship. My suggestion is that you REALLY look at the situation and decide if you REALLY want to marry this man....sorry, but that's my suggestion.....he will always be a part of your son's life as his dad....but do you really want him to be your husband????? Good Luck, R.

Sounds like you have several BIG issues you need to deal with before you get married. Getting married will not make them any better or simply go away. I highly recommend seeing a good family therapist to help you work through your differences. If it was serious enough to delay the wedding in the first place, it's a significant issue.

Best wishes.

Sounds like a yucky situation. First off, he needs to take a chill pill with your son. At 9 months old babies are still fragile. Too much shaking and jerking can still cause damage. I don't know how rough he is, and I'm not saying he's REALLY rough, but he really needs to keep in mind your son is still a BABY. He can start doing the 'manly' 'boy' things I'm guessing about 18mo-24mo. At that point your son has better motor skills, can walk and run and enjoy rough-housing (as we call it). But right now, he's probably just get the crawling thing down and probably hasn't started walking. I don't know what kind of rough-housing you can do?

About the wedding...I'm all for the traditional family, but do think long and hard about what you are doing. It seems from your post there are already some issues. Only you know how serious they are. Don't put you and your son in a compromising situation. That said, being that you already have everything reserved I would let your fiance know how much $$ in cancellation fees you'll have to pay for cancelling these people. I'm sure you had to put deposits down that aren't cheap.

Good luck!!! I hope none of that came out wrong!

My boyfriend (now friend) was the same way with my son. He couldn't understand why he didn't want to play rough. However, 9 months old is a bit young to play fight with. If he doesn't realize that there is abigger issue there. If you are awanting to stay with this guy, get him a gym membership or punching bag to find stress relief and playfight. Now, if he agreed to a big wedding at first and all of a sudden that changed-be wary. Something is going on, first it was your son and now you... Put it off as long as you can at least until you are sure.

M.,

The wedding and reception last for a few hours of one day of your life. Yes, you'll have pictures so you look back on it. But, if your relationship does not work in the long run, the magic of that day, and that moment when you say 'I do' will be forever a bad memory of a big mistake.

Since the time we are little girls, we have this dream of the perfect wedding. We tend to think that the prefect wedding will be the beginning of our 'happily ever after' life.

I understand your 'intended' is your child's father and he'll be in your your lives for a long time even if you do not marry. Your baby is going through a normal period of development of becoming attached to you. The more dad gets mad about it, the less your baby will want to go to him.

This situation with the baby and the disagreement about the wedding sort of shows what type of person 'dad' is and how he well he and you work together to solve problems. If you do not marry a person you can live with comfortably and really work with, you will be in a situation of great difficulty for a long time - until you finally give up trying to make it work. I do not know if you should marry or not. That's something you should decide based on how well you work together. Then decide together how to do it. (It is a legal binding agreement either way.)

Are you willing to let the fairy tale dream of the wedding you planned ruin your life for years during a very important time in your son's life? Please consider what is best for your child. (Getting married may or may not be what is best for your child.) What is more important here - a ceremony with a pretty dress, a party and cake? Even if it is already paid for, is it worth making a big mistake? (If it is a mistake.) You have to make a very difficult decision. I am sorry it is not easier to give up a dream. I wish you all the best whatever you choose.

S.

If your baby's father has issues that can't seem to be resolved between the two of you, maybe you should seek counseling with your pastor/priest. Clergy counseling is better than "by-the-book" counseling (i.e., actually reading books or a non-faith-based counselor) as Clergy counseling is based by God.

Good luck.

From experience, if you all are having problems now to where he's not considering your biggest dreams, I would hold off on the marriage. Money can be replaced and you don't want to spend money just to have to spend some more to have it "undone". You all may need to go into marriage counseling before you do this. There has to be some underlined issues that haven't been addressed. Why wouldn't he want this day to be special for you??? My husband didn't want anything big either but "I did" and he gave in and helped with everything. He wouldn't have done anything different he says. He was really proud of the whole thing. Besides our differences on not wanting the same thing as far as the wedding went, we also had other problems. The one thing I wish I would have done differently was got to the root of those problems before getting married because it has been a long long 11 months trying to make things work. However, there is hope, we are more reliable on God than before and we are both in agreement that He has definitely worked this thing out for us. We give Him alllll credit (He gave us strength and direction on how to see things through in a Godly way). I wouldn't trade him for the world now, whereas before I was regretting my marriage. I strongly advise you to pray and pull on the Lord at this time....Oh, and another thing...My baby girl, which is 5, is just the opposite. She would much rather be under her dad than myself. I get aggravated sometimes but I know that he's more lovable than I am and that's something that I'm trying to work on because I would love for our little girl to love her mommy's attention just as much as her dads. So you're right on that point, just continue to tell him that he's just a baby and they have a really strong sense of people and their ways; just do it in a Godly manner (not saying that you're not doing that now) just so things will flow more easily.

I am sorry M. but you are gonna marry a jerk. The way he makes your child feel is 1st priority and how he makes you feel is second. I almost married my son's father....THANK GOD I DID'NT. I am now married to the man of my dreams. He loves my son & gives him confidence....just like he does me & our daughter:)Love with the right person will be like a beautiful dance. Sounds like he is stepping on toes all over the place.

M., I think you already know that there is a big problem with this relationship. This person does not sound like someone who has you or your baby's best interest in mind. Take it from an older women, step back for awhile and just think about it. Take care.

M. I have 3 grown daughters one who is married ... So I am answering this form my heart ... Just because you love someone dose not mean you like everything about them BUT being rough with a nice month old is unacceptable!! NO MATTER WHAT!! You need to make sure that you love this man before you marry him AND you need to ask yourself would I marry him if I hadn't had his baby?? People use to get married for the wrong reason just because they were having a baby but now days people get married for the wrong reason after the baby comes ... don't make that mistake! Big wedding Small wedding should not be the issue! The issue is can you two talk about how to raise your child the best way together?? You should be able to talk together!! AND work things out together!! Marriage & childern are not a one way street and if you can't talk to him OR if he has a temper don't think it will change because you are married!

Well, I don't know how to help with the wedding issues but as a mother of 4 I can safely say that this is a phase that your son is going through and it will get better. All of my children have went through a time when it was all about mommy. Usually it would hit at about six months and last for two or three. Tell your boyfriend not to worry...he will be back to being his "little man" in no time at all.

I'm holding back some of my "old fashioned" opinions. But I have to say this: Can you really afford a big wedding? Do you think that perhaps a small ceremony with a few family and friends would diminish your memories of your "wedding day"? It really isn't about the wedding. Mine was 37 years ago and right now it is really not that important how big it was. We are too much into big flashy weddings. It really isnt just your wedding. I am a strong advocate for marriage and a couple should work together for the good of the "couple". This is just the beginning so don;t let this spoil things. The most memorable and rewarding thing is your marriage--not the wedding! Do you think you can wait until later and have a nice reception--or perhaps redo your vows in a couple of years? It sounds like you love each other. Concentrate on that. Is he the type who doesnt like to be around a lot of people? If so, do you think pushing the idea of a big wedding is healthy for your relationship?

There were lots of times I did not like the way my husband talk to and interacted with our children, but my mother told me that I had a good man who was there for his family and not perfect, to give some time. She told me that as long as he was not putting them in danger, I should move slowly. It is so important to have a father in a child's life. Slowly, with lots of growing pains we came to a mutual place and the kids are grown now and okay. And they love their Dad. Be careful not to criticize your fiance in front of the baby. Your baby will pick this up and react. Best of luck to you. Don't rule out marital counseling!

Wait and do not get married yet. I was in a relationship for 3.5 years. Several times he said to me 'let's go get married in Vegas or at the court house'. I would always say 'NO! That's not the way it's supposed to be'. In the end the other troubles in the relationship resulted in my breaking up with him. I am now happily married to someone else. I JUST realized (10 years later!) that back then I knew deep down that he was not the person I wanted to marry, that's why I always refused eloping. But back then my 'head' did not know that and I continued to stay in the relationship with plans of marrying. Had my current husband said 'let's elope' I'd have likely said yes. It would not have even crossed my mind to balk at him or respond to him the way I did to that former boyfriend.

Resolve the issues you have with your fiance before you get married. Feeling like he doesn't really care is not what you want in a marriage. One of the best gifts you can give your son is to be HAPPILY married, whether you are married to his father or someone else.

You've gotten much advise about your relationship, so I'll skip over that.

I do want to point out that around 9 -10 months infants often only want one caregiver. They often refuse to go to their father or to grandparents that they adored just the week before. It is exhausting for the mother (or whomever the child has attached to, because they never get a break). Sometimes it can be heartbreaking if they attach to their day care worker and cry when the mom comes to get them!

It is a good sign that your child is bonded to you and understands your importance. It just takes awhile for them to accept others back into their circle. I think if you ask other couples, they will remember a time when the dad was pushed away.

The important thing is that the father needs to understand that this is developmentally appropriate and that he needs to try harder with the baby (not get angry). My husband found that by being silly and playful, he could win over the baby and I could sneak out of the room for a little break.

If it were me, i would delay the plans a little further...sounds like there are alot of unresolved issues, for instance you mentioned the baby not wanting his dad and the dad getting mad, what happens and i'm not saying it will but its something to also consider if he really is mad at the baby, what if one time he's a little too rough and hurts the baby...and
if ya'll have already paid for things for your wedding, now why is he not wanting to do it??? i mean if its all paid for what is the big deal, is he trying to 'rule' you with issues, just throwing some ideas out there.

hope everyone's info can help you decide what to do next.
J.

You did not say how long you had dated or lived together. I honesty think you would be wise to not marry at this time. If you are fighting about the wedding and have fought for various reasons,,that should raise a flag something is not right. I personally am from the older generation,, don't have sex before marriage, That stops a lot of problems. Think about your souls, if you marry,then see things still aren't right, divorce without it being for adultery,then you can not remarry and go to heaven, so I would just hold out for a more secure stable marriage and maybe things will work out a little later,,, Hope this helps and it works out for you two to have a wonderful life together. Good luck and God Bless!!!!!

Definitely get counseling, and DON'T get married yet. If what you've described is things being "great," you're in for big-time trouble. I know you don't want to think any disloyal thoughts about your fiance, but what you've described is potentially abusive. You must protect your son. A frustrated dad can injure him so easily, even by accident.
Don't go to a non-professional counselor. Find a professional. If you have a church, get a recommendation from them. If your fiance is unwilling to go (quite likely), then there's your answer about how much he cares for you and what he's willing to do for you.
If he won't go, or just goes "to prove it won't work" or for you to see that "you're the problem," then get OUT of the relationship & move out. Go on to counseling yourself to help you deal with everything, but DON'T tie the knot!!!!

M., how long have you been involved with this man? Your 9 month old is not "a little man", he's a baby. Don't think that things will get better "after you are married". This man will not change. He sounds like his needs are the most important things to him and he wants everyone around him to agree. The fights will continue and may get worse. I'm basing my opinion on what little you have shared and from personal experience. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that children react to love and security, not roughness. My guess is that things are "great right now" because you are catering to your fiancee's wants and needs. Just be careful and don't rush into things, take all the time you need. Just as a precaution, you might read the book "Men Who Hate Women". If the shoe fits.....get out of the situation and save yourself and your boy.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best. You love on that boy all you want.

L. M

Oh, M., {{{HUGS}}}. That is so hard. Do you know WHY he feels this way, particularly after spending all this money? I'd say that is very very important to find out.

The next thing, is, if he is flip-flopping on issues, in my experience (been married 18 years) these things tend to get WORSE not better.

My husband and I did really good premarital counseling before getting married. *it has made all the difference in the world*** I assume you live in Birmingham -- Briarwood Church and Church of the Advent have outstanding counseling centers. Run, don't walk to a good one. ;}

My best to you, M.,

M.
First things first if you stop the wedding one time before because of fighting maybe you should seek counseling before going it again. This is also a good time to talk about the baby not wanting to go to his dad and about why you want the wedding and not the court house. When my sister was getting married for the second time and this time to took. The Pastor told the groom that a wedding is for the bride and that the groom is just a guest at his our wedding that he is to sit back and wait for her to tell him what she needs him to do. Also if he really loves you he will go through the wedding in the way that you have always dreamed about. I myself married a great man that had been married before and he had already done the whole church thing and he asked me if the the church thing was what I wanted and I said yes so we got married in the church with family and friends. And in 2 more years we are going to renew our 25th Anniversary in the church with family and friends just like the first time. If you really want your wedding dream do not back down you will regret it later.
T.

M.,
It sounds like to me that you and your future spouse should of talked about what kind of wedding you wanted well in advance of paying for wedding services. Keep in mind that yes your wedding day is supposed to be a wonderful event, however it is just one day. I think communication is a big issue for you and your fiance, maybe the two of you should delay your nupituals further and seek some counseling. You could try your local church for pre-marital counseling it might help the two of you get on the same page about, parenting issues, money, life in general. Good luck and best wishes.

Well congrats on getting married! Let me share from expeience, have the big wedding that you want! My husband and I had a big one planned and we got preggers (YEAH!) so we just went and got married at the court house with our parents with us. I still want a big get together later on though.
Do have the big wedding that you want. Your to be hubby should want to do whatever it takes to make that day special for you.
As far as the way he is being with your son your hubby needs to realize that he is just a baby. Do some research and print some stuff up for him to read. Every baby goes through this phase of picking one favorite. Your hubby to be needs to grow up a bit maybe?
Good luck!

you need to sit your husband down and make him realize how easy a child of 9 months can get shaken baby syndrome being rough right now isn't even a good idea just throwing your child in the air at this age couse cause sbs... second you need to make him realize a wedding day is something a woman looks forward to her whole life... it's something we dream about as little girls and plan all through teenhood.... he should respect your feelings guys have no preferences in weddings most of the times b/c this is not something they think about when they are young

If this is the way he is with your son now, don't expect him to change when you are married. You need to sit down & think really hard about whether you want to be married to a man who mistreats your child. Who is more important to you? Your child & his mental & physical health, or the man who mistreats him? I don't mean to sound mean, but the child needs to come first...before your feelings or anyone else's feelings. The child has nobody to depend on except you, so think really hard & long before making a decision to marry a man who mistreats your child.

Even though you love your fiance, it really sounds like you need to wait and get your questions/issues resolved. Most men don't make much of an issue about the type of wedding since it is pretty much all for the bride anyway. I have a large family and the guys were content to just be in the right location at the right time. I'm sorry to say, but he sounds selfish with his feelings on this special day for you and how he feels about your son. If you have ANY hesitation, don't make this commitment at this time. It WILL definitely work out if it's meant to, but in the meantime, enjoy the time with your son and if the fiance sticks around and proves to be a good man, then the time you wait will be well worth it. If not, you're better off.

I hate to give a stranger advice on such an important issue, but from someone who has been married and divorced I had to repond to you. I have been happily married for 7 years to a great man. We have an 18 month old baby girl. He is an AMAZING dad, better than I could have hoped for. Previously, I was married to a man that sound similar to your fiance and all I can tell you is that if you are having these problems now they are not going to get any better with marriage! I know you may feel like this is the right thing for your family; however, you have to look out for your babys best interest first. Your little boy has his whole life to learn how to be a man and it is insane to think that being rough with him in any way (verbally or physically) is acceptable. I am sure this is why your baby does not want to be near his father. Our pediatrician reassured us that our little girl can feel the slightest amount of tension with us. It can affect their sleep, eating, behavior, not to mention their emotional development. You said your baby smiles alot and that is GREAT, but I am not sure if you stay in this situation, he will always be so happy! As far as the big wedding thing; well, if he does not take you wishes into condsideration for something so important I would have to wonder if he ever will. My suggestion would be to seek counseling before you marry him. I would try to find a Christian counselor, I always pray about something I am unsure of and if it meant to be God will give me total piece about my decision. I pray the best for you and your baby!

I think it is good you see this immaturity and selfishness in your 'fiance' now rather than later. I'd say your little son is being intuitive as most children are about peoples attitudes. And please don't delude yourself into thinking that 'fiance's' behavior or attitude will change without him working toward those changes. You can't change him honey so don't waste your time, his time, or your sons time trying.
B.

M.,
You two have too many issues to start a new marriage with all the problems and situations that brings. Even if you have lived together for a while, there are more issues when you get married. Does you child deserve to have to go through this. Your fiance needs to grow up, no matter how old physically he is. A baby is a BABY. The baby has to have your and his attention so much of the time now. Rough-housing can cause irreputable damage. They are fragile and if he can't believe that, he is immature. You have one baby to care for..... you don't need two.
If he won't get counseling, ( and I don't believe he will) I hope you run so fast he can't see straight. But if you leave and he changes FOR YOU it won't be a true change. Think long and hard before you do anything. First and foremost, talk to God. If you are not a Christian, first you must let God know that you need him. Then you must believe what He tells you. It probably won't be a voice, although you never know what God will use to let you know what he wants you to do, but I believe that you will know it is from God. Pray asking God what you need to do. Be willing to accept what He wants you to do. It may be hard to step outside this relationship, but it may be the best thing for you and your child. Is this way of life what you want for a future? Counseling can help, but you have to be willing to try. My first response is still to run so fast. He really needs to grow up. I'm not saying it is impossible, I'm saying you must be willing to grow up.
I wish you and yours the best and I will pray for you.

A couple things to keep in mind. I believe marriage is forever. If you are having communication issus now and you cannot work through them then you need to question the reasons for getting married. Marriage only makes things harder, not easier. Communication is sooo important. You should consider his feelings but it sounds like he isnt listening to anything you say and I would be very concerned about that. Men should care enough about a womans thought about her wedding day and that they love you so much they are willing to parade around in a penguin suit because it means so much to you and they want you to know how much they are willing to sacrifice for you. In that same way you should be willing to sacrifice for him in your marriage. That said, I would have told my husband "too bad" if he wouldnt have wanted our marriage to be done traditionally before God and everyone that we love.

As far as your son it looks like he needs another man he respects to tell him to tone it down with your son instead of you telling him. He may get the point from someone else.

You are right. A lot of issues. Not sure on your ages, but from your email, I'm guessing you both are 1st time parents. What about the possibility of encouraging him and going with him to take some parenting classes. Even if you are doing great in that department, there is always something to learn. There should be some in your community, for a minimal fee or free. Maybe he just needs to learn more about babies and how sensitive they can be to others moods and to understand the baby's needs better. Maybe he is insecure about parenting and doesn't want to ask about it. Either way you are right, a lot of issues to be worked out. Things are certainly difficult for starting a new marriage which is difficult and stressful at times in itself. What about getting some help together with some premarital counseling with the church you are getting married in. Sometimes just a positive force to help in communication and with the stress helps. Someone objective. Possibly after some counseling you both can approach this marriage and parenting from the same page. I wish you all well.

This guy is a real problem. Forget about you, it is the way he treats that baby. Do you really want someone around that you can't trust with your baby? You will get zero help from this guy when it comes to the baby. Cancel the wedding and thank God you didn't step into something that you are going to regret.

I am concerned that you have to explain to a grown man that he is too rough with a baby! A child of his own at that. Please think hard about you decision to marry a man that just two months ago you were fighting with so much that you chose not to marry him. Has so much changed that you are completely sure and without a doubt ready to marry a man that would cause you to write your concerns to a public forum seeking advise from strangers? Are your parents in support of your wedding? Does your family look forward to this union? If you can answer all these questions with unwaivering certainty and you have no fear or concern that you child might get hurt, then you have answered your own questions. Just because you have already paid for everything does not meant that you have to go through with something that is causing you so much doubt. Best of luck to you and him in whatever decision you make. Just keep in mind the safety of your child.

I'd run! Your fiance does NOT understand and perhaps cannot understand that a baby is not a small version of an adult.

Your son is telling you politely that there is something wrong. This will not change unless your fiance gets intensive counseling. Otherwise this relationship is the best you will get from him - ever.

M., I'm no expert but I think most babies do this and many will be that way with their mom and dad. Its basic seperation anxiety. My son just turned one and he and his dad are close but he still does that, too. Do you stay at home with him? Many babies are closer to their mothers because they are at home with them all day. It sounds like you have done a great job creating that bond you are supposed to have with your baby. Seperation anxiety is actually a good sign. It shows that your baby knows you and you make him feel safe. His dad should not take it personally. He can hold him and show him that its OK to be held by Dad. Sometimes, he'll just have to let you hold your son. When the parent feels secure, the baby can sense it. Also, what do you mean by him being "rough"? My husband is more rough with our baby then I would ever be but never in a dangerous way. Dads do things differently than moms and letting your fiance do things his way (no matter how much it drives you crazy- it drives me crazy, too) is good for him as well as your son. Of course, if he is hurting him in anyway, that is unacceptable. Have you ever heard of the Parents as Teachers program? Look it up online if you are interested. Its free and the advisors come to your house and talk to you about development of your baby at different stages. Seperation anxiety and the diffference between moms and dads role is just a couple of the things they can help you with. I love the lady that comes to our house. She has helped me feel so much more confident as a mother. You probably have people in your area who are advisors and I think you and your fiance would really like the objective outsiders advice. As far as the wedding plans, maybe check out some pre-marriage counseling- most churches have it for free. I was one of those girls who got married because she was pregnant and it adds a different kind of stress to your relationship no matter how much you love each other or know that its the right person for you. I think a guy who loves his girlfriend, wants her to have her dream wedding but a professional should give more help. Good luck!

M., good for you for not marrying your boyfriend just because you were having a baby! My thoughts are that you should wait longer. If you postponed your wedding only 2 or 3 months ago I don't think you should get married now. Minimally, I'd wait until this fall. Make sure that this is your soulmate, the person God has formed to be your life partner. I've been married 7 years and have a 2 1/2 year old little girl. My husband and I are soulmates...but that isn't to say we haven't been through our share of rough patches. We're just coming out of about a 7 or 8 month "slump". My advice is to wait. There is no rush. Pray and ask God to speak to you...but most importantly when you do that you must listen to what He says. Sometimes that is hard. I will keep you in my prayers.

RUN If he is hard on a nine month old it will only get worse.. He is showing how self centered he is by saying he doesn't want the big wedding after it is already paid. Maybe all this is because he doesn"t want to get married. He just wants to have a life with out being responsible.I feel sorry for your son. Those smiles will stop if he is not well treated. Ask yourself why would a baby not want to go to someone, what has that person done to him? Look at it like it was someone else. What would you tell them?

M., Many times what has happened to you as a child affects you today and your behaviour. If you future husband is having problems dealing with these questions there are things in the past he does not want to deal with.
Until he deals with those things he cannot progress to the two of you having a meaningful relationship. The rough playing with the baby can also be part of past childhood experiences. Be sure to have the couselor explain the need to ask questions about the past experiences in both adult and childhood. M.

First of all I would try and met my boyfriend half way about the wedding. Yes it is your wedding but it is also his. When I was planning my wedding Lannie say it want tow thing above all else. I want to carry a white Bible and no flowers, he want me to carry flowers, so I carry a small arrgement. We were have trouble founding a place to have it, we finally ask the base pastor if we could use the little base church. Lannie went all with this only if he do not have to wear his unform. He wear a white dinner jacket.
Sedond I would remind my boyfriend how small your boy is and what mean not be rough to him is maybe to the baby. I would also remind him never to force the baby to go to him , if he does not want to, I know the baby is very young but you want him to never feel he has to do so.

I have to agree with everyone else who has responded. You should postpone this wedding. You really do not want to start a marriage in this way. He doesn't seem to be a loving father and potential husband but I don't want to judge based on your post because you feel in love with him for a reason. It is much easier to postpone a wedding then decide to get divorced later. Listen to your gut instinct. You know what you should do. Good luck.

M.,

Please listen to these women. I would be worried and not in a rush to marry him, if ever.

Please read the book, "10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up Their Lives" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

Please register for a FamilyLife weekend. There are several coming up in in May in Alabama. www.familylife.com/weekend

Your fiance should understand that it's normal for babies to go through this phase where they prefer one parent over another. Maybe you could try leaving your son home alone with his dad for short periods of time and then when he's confident enough, start staying gone a little longer each time. This will help your son to rely on dad more to meet his needs and also help him to realize that when you leave, you do come back.

As far as the wedding, if he realizes that girls want this to be one of the best days of thier lives then he should be willing to compromise. Maybe you could scale things down just a bit. Compromise with each other that way you get what you want and he will be happy. I would also recommend that the two of you have some sessions with your pastor, clergy, etc. before you get married. Good luck!

My daughter has always been the same way. She always wants mommy over daddy.. I think it hurts his feelings at times, but he realizes that she will grow out of it.
I just recently got married, and I wanted to get married at the court house. Well come to find out, they dont do that anymore. You have to actually have a ceremony. So just let your soon to be hubby know, that they dont do ceremonies at the court house anymore.. well they told me that they didnt anyway..good luck with you son and with your marriage!

M.,

Have you and your fiance thought about pre-marital counseling? It's a requirement for any couple who gets married in my faith tradition, and my husband and I had a very positive experience when going through it before we got married. We were able to work through alot of current issues as well as potential problem areas for the future. Many pastors/priests are able to do this for a couple, but if your fiance feels uncomfortable with the religious aspect of it, there are licensed counselors out there who also do pre-marital counseling. Perhaps if you and your fiance get some things worked out, the tensions between him and your son will resolve as well?? Good luck.

RUN!

You may not want to hear this but your marrige is destined to fail. Just finsihed a study on relationships that began with a "live-in" arrangement.... 73% fail before 10 years of marriage.

He is already disregarding your wishes... it never gets better it only gets worse...

RUN!

Hey M.,
Men really don't understand a lot when it comes to babies, but he should understand enough to not let it frustrate and/or anger him when the baby doesn't want him. Perhaps the baby can sense something. And if he gets this frustrated about this, what will he do when the baby is frustrated, sick, crying, etc.? In addition, did you all not talk about your wedding prior to paying all these people? It seems as if there could have been some sort of compromise on the wedding. Just because he doesn't just do what you want doesn't mean he doesn't care. As he said, he has feelings as well. This is a girl's dream, but a dream and reality are 2 different things. I realize couples fight, but if yall were fighting and things were so bad to the point to where you had to call off the wedding, you both need to make sure some issues are resolved before getting married. Pray about this, think about this and pray some more.

M. you have listed seveal things of concern. First, even though you were pregnant that is not a reason to live together. Many times that sets the tone of the relationship in a bad way. You are right, you dont get married because you are pregnant. Babies are sensitive and no matter who it is they know before we do who they can trust. You carried him and protected him 9 mos and when something is not right they know it, even though they cant do anything about it. Your really should seek God about the decision you are about to make. It is your day too. You have spent all this money and he doesn't care. That's a warning sign. Sounds like control is a serious issue here. Unfortunately your son understands it more than you. Pray before you make a mistake. Seek counseling quick.