"A Child Can Get Hurt While You're Holding Their Hand"

I agree with the phrase...if only I could get my husband to see that. I have to give an in-depth explanation of every bump, bruise, or busted lip and explain to him why I was not able to prevent each and every little thing. Thankfully it is getting a bit better, but still annoys me to have to explain myself.

I affectionately call my daughter Boo-Dozer. She's strong and strong willed, loves to just plow right on through EVERYTHING. If at fist she doesn't succeed, she just shoves harder. I'm forever mystified at the bruises I find come bath time. She once ran out in front of a pick-up while crossing the street, this was after a full year of safe street crossing with and with out my hand clutching hers.

Sometimes my heart wants to put her in a bubble or freeze her in time right where she is now. I know I can't and I know it would cause her more pain and heartache if I ever tried. As for the physical...I try to keep her alive and with all her limbs attached. No blood, no problem, no break, no panic.

I'm with you... let go of their hand!

Just like learning to ride a bike, you have to let go sometime or they can't learn! You're actually hindering the learning experience! OF COURSE they're going to crash and burn... but that's how they learn.

Safe: letting the kids getting the mail from the mailbox (after you've taught them the obvious dangers of the road.

NOT safe: never letting your child get the mail. WHY? Because you're telling your child that you don't trust them and that THEY CAN'T DO IT! What do you think you're doing to that child's self esteem!?

Living in a bubble is so much more destructive than letting kids scrap themselves up a bit. Did you get hurt? Guess you won't be doing that again!

Common sense people ;)

It's all about balance-- you don't get the skateboard without the helmet and pads, etc....

Really it can only be by the Grace of God that my siblings and I lived to be 18.

We all do our very best with what we have, yes?

We are all alike in that way. None of us deliberately lets a child be injured.

It truly crushes our hearts like nothing else when a child of ours is hurting.

Yes, I have let go where others have not. Still I understand the urge to overprotect. It gets easier as they get older!

:)

I should add that what's 'safe' for O. child, may not be for another of the same age. Mom knows best!

So true! I started typing different examples of how my kids, especially my son, have gotten hurt under my care, but then decided I didn't want this in print in case DHS ever opens a case about me! LOL

I do believe that kids have to have limits and be taught what is safe, etc. On the other hand, they have to be kids too, you know? They have to learn how to climb a tree so they can fall out and sport that nifty cast. My son is 3. My nephew is 8. My boy is far more adventurous than my nephew. Why? Because his mom doesn't let him "explore" the world like I let my son. Her point...my son did not go to the emergency room twice before he was 2 like yours. Eh, my son has way more self confidence than yours, can entertain himself better than yours, has a vivid imagination and is always building something he has dreamed up, Your son watches tv all day and doesn't know how to play on his own.

Tu-mato
To-moto (I can't figure how to phonetically spell these-sorry)

Good points on both sides of the fence. I just like my points better. hahaha

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All the time.

I want my kids to feel life out safely. Ride a bike in the street...but wear a helmet sort of thing.

You can only pad them so much..they eventually have to walk through it alone...or only slightly guided.

I am finding this easier said then done....sometimes I have to be reminded to let go...it is ok to let go.

I find too many moms around me are high strung and ridged.

My learning curve is giant and I allow room for error.

yes i do, i roller blade with a racing stroller, and i do find the occasional mom who thinks that the 5 point harness is not enough to secure my 2 year old.

Absolutly! I have worked in childcare for about 6 years and there are times you are standing right there and something happens and it's to quick to prevent. Personally I was at a museum with my son and he was going up the stairs and missed a step and fell and busted his lip and i was right there. We can't protect our kids from everything they will get hurt! Some people need to get over it and accept that's it's part of life.

I agree...kids can get hurt w/ you standing right next to them! And I have to admit, when my kids were younger, my husband would get on me because "I was going to make them afraid of everything" but I had a reason for being as neurotic as I was...as a child, I had a broken neck and had 3 major surgeries over 5 yrs, wore many braces, including a halo, and have many scars that I wear as proof. I also broke my leg when I was 25...I do NOT want to ever have to watch my kids go through what I did...BUT, I have learned that it's ok to let them go and that, usually, when they get hurt, they get back up, they heal and then do it all over again! My kids are allowed to ride their bikes in the neighborhood...they are both in lots of sports (including football!) so...we grow and learn as parents as our kids get older! We can not control every situation...as much as we'd like to try! And kids do have to learn what to do and how to cope when they do fall! Great question!

Nope. We can't protect them at all times, unless, like you said, we put them in a bubble. No thanks.

I let my son explore and learn-- and intervene when he may cause extreme pain to himself or others. I am not neglectful in the least, but I do not hover either.

Have I ever been at odds over what's safe and not safe? Well yes, I think Denise my first ever mean PM came due to a disagreement over gun safety in the home. It came from, ahem, a regular poster on this website. As for people who actually know me, I don't think we've really discussed or argued about what's safe or not. Last week I saw a friend's son standing on the edge of the tall playground equipment. She didn't see. I said "Sweetheart, don't stand on the edge like that. That's not safe." She turned around to look at her son and jumped up and ran to him and said "No no! Back up!" She freaked out more than I did, but she knows her kid better than I do, so maybe she thought mr. clumsy might fall. Another friend doesn't mind her kids jumping off the coffee table to the couch. Me - we wouldn't do that at our house. I didn't tell her how to raise her kids. They're her kids and her house rules (or lack of rules). To each their own. It's not worth my friendship to start an arguement with her about it.

I think every parent has a different comfort level regarding their child's safety and well-being - what might be okay for O. parent would not be okay for another. Maybe some of it depends on the kid - some are more agile and take more risks, some are more clumsy and more apt to get hurt, etc. I've also known parents who let their kids play in the neighborhood without watching them but won't let them watch any movie not rated G. I've known parents that freak out over their 10 year old using a public bathroom alone, but think nothing of them watching a movie rated R or playing video games rated M.

Personally, I don't think we can protect our kids all the time, and I don't think we should. Letting them take risks and see what the are capable of helps build their confidence. Constantly trying to protect them will undermine it. At some point you hope they have enough common sense to keep themselves safe when you can't always be there.

I'm going to now look into karate classes for my 4 year old DD... ;)

I think I overdid it with my oldest. She's 19 now. I used to tell her I was going to wrap her up in bubble wrap or toilet paper, like the Charmin commercial. O. day she called me and jokingly said - hey mom, im at the lake riding in dads boat and no im not wearing my life jacket and no im not wearing any sunscreen - haha you can't do anything about it. That's when I realized that every time she ever said she was going to the lake, I would go through a 5 minute lecture about life jackets and sunscreen. With my 2 youngest, I'm pulling way back on that. But honestly, my daughter never had a broken bone and only ended up in the er once - infected earring. And yet she is a very well adjusted independant brave girl. Go Figure.

With a family full of Klutz's, I know very well that this is the truth.

I can trip on a flat surface in broad daylight.. And so our daughter "Grace" takes after me and her grand mother and Great Grandmother..

She sprains her ankle about once a year, and I still am forever tipping or tripping over.

I am right there with you. Kids need to learn to explore the world and make decisions for themselves. They need to learn how to navigate their environment and not be afraid that a boogie man is lurking behind every corner. You should check out Lenore Skenazy's Free Range blog as I think you would find it supportive. She has a book as well which is really good and puts it into perspective. You know what your child is ready for and should be able to make those decisions. I feel like my son is O. of the only Kindergarteners on the school bus as other parents feel they are too young for the bus and in our district the K's ride with 1st & 2nd graders only so there's no "big" kids on the bus!! I was shocked and the bus is O. of the highlights of his day. My little guy will be 6 in October and we let him play outside in our front yard without a parent hovering over him. He can go to his friend's house a few doors down without me as well. I want him to be confident enough to knock on their door without me there and do things for himself. It's so important and I think really helps them grow.

At the end of the day you know your kid and what they are ready for. I try really hard not to let other parents opinions make me judge myself and how we are raising our son.

I am very cautious with my kids but things happen. When my third was a few weeks old, he had a very messy diaper so I took him into the nursery to change him. The 2 and 4 year olds were watching tv. While changing the baby, he peed on me, himself, and the wall. I hurried up to clean us up and when I went back into the living room, my other two were in the kitchen and my 4 y/o had cut off about a third of her hair and was starting to cut her brother's hair with my VERY sharp haircutting scissors. Nobody got hurt, but definitely could have! I didn't even know she knew where those scissors were!

My DD almost got run over while holding my hand. We were standing on the sidewalk at the library. I was talking with another mom. Then another mother and her kids come out of the library you can tell she is mad and escorting her kids home.

She gets them loaded in their Suburban and then still mad guns it out of the parking spot, shoot across the drive and jumps the sidewalk missing my daughter by inches.

We were on the sidewalk/meeting area in front of a public library holding hands and my daughter is almost killed by a car.

The mom drove off and never even knew what she had done...even though two other moms screamed in terror as it happened...and I was is total shock.

Accidents can happen anywhere...anytime. That is why they are called accidents.

I was holding my baby on my lap tending to him, I believe I was nursing. Out of nowhere, my toddler had some how climbed up a table, opened a drawer, got out scissors, came to us and cut my baby's finger tip near off. Blood everywhere, I was panicking. He had to get stitches and he was only 9 months old. Those scissors were put away, I was holding my baby, I don't have eyes on the back of my head to see every single thing my toddler did with my back turned. It happened so fast, in my own home. I felt awful. How much more awful would I have felt though, or how much worse would the cut have been... had this happened while both children were unattended or I was allowing them to play in a bad situation.

I have friends that let their toddlers play outside in the front yard alone. Or let their 6 year olds bike over a mile in the dark. This is not the 'best' neighborhood, and even if it was, things happen. So, while I do not hover, I do not stay aloof either. I tend to be on the overprotective side.

My son had incredible balance/abilities at an early age (sometimes 1-2yrs past his age, according to developmentalists), so at just over 1yo he'd be scaling a rock wall or something on an older kids' playground while other moms gasped and made comments about how they couldn't believe I let him do things. I was always by his side, guiding him/watching, and redirected if he wanted to do something I felt was too dangerous (like trying to walk on the roof of a tractor).

This also gets some moms calling me a helicopter mom, because I'm always having to watch him and try to stay O. step ahead of his thinking. Like when he wanted to ride his Y-bike down a 20' hill that would have crashed his face into a pole. Or when he jumped into the deep end without puddle-jumper.

I can see how moms of kids who aren't as adventurous or maybe not as skilled don't understand, but I love watching him and being his safety net for now.

Good post, Denise.

I'm O. who has been accused of being overprotective. And, in some cases, I absolutely agree. I've also been accused of letting my children do things that are dangerous. Again, I see their point.

We need to let our children explore the world when they are developmentally ready to. And I believe that we, as their parents, are the best suited to determine this. Whereas some people allow their children to cross the street at 4 or 5 (yes, in my neighborhood, it happens even at 3!) I don't believe my son was ready to cross alone until he was 8, because he could not control his impulses. I did not feel he was ready to judge whether an approaching car was coming too fast for him to make it safely across the street. (long, straight, street that you can see cars coming 1/4 mile away)

So, though I had trouble with understanding the parents who allowed their 5 yo to cross when I wouldn't let mine, I had to accept that they knew their child best, and would not allow their child to do something they felt they couldn't handle. (But I would have appreciated those same parents accepting that I knew my child and knew he wasn't ready yet, rather than calling me a helicopter mom.)

My mom and several of my friends had a fit when I allowed my son to bike to the grocery store for me a few months ago. But, my son is 12 now. The store is only 2 miles away, and he could stay on sidewalks the whole way. The only busy street he had to cross, I told him to cross at a certain point because I know that's where the cars slow down because it's coming up to a curve and a stop sign. I trust that my son would make a lot of noise if anyone at the store tried to approach him. He knows how to go through the self checkout. So I had no problem with it. (Well, not quite true.....I was worried to death the whole time he was gone. But, I kept it to myself, because it was time for him to try something like this, and it really boosted his confidence that he could accomplish it, and that I would trust him to do it.)

Now, my friend allows her child (in my son's class) to ride his bike to school - 6.5 miles - on roads that are hilly, curvy, and people drive about 50 - 60 mph. This horrifies me. I drive this road every day to take my own children to school. I know how the people drive. It's crazy. And I've seen many of them swerve as they text and drive, or just answer the phone. So, while I understand that her son knows the rules of the road; it's the drivers that I don't trust. There's no way in hell that I would allow my son to do this (though he has begged me). So, yes, I'm definitely not in agreement with her decision to allow him to do this, but....it's not my call. And I keep my mouth closed, (after expressing my concern O. time).

So, to reiterate, we have to each allow our children to explore the world as they are ready to, and we have to trust that the children's parents know when this is.

We need to not judge someone "careless" or a "bad parent" because they allow their child to do something we would not allow.

And we need to not tell people they need to read "Free Range Kids" just because they keep a tighter rein on their children than we do.

O. last thing, Denise. You said "While we'd like to, we can't prevent our kids from getting hurt." And though I do understand what you mean, I have to say, we should not look at it that way. We should not want to prevent them from ever getting hurt, because if they don't get hurt sometimes, they will miss out on some really important learning experiences. Yes?

So let's all continue to prepare them the best we can for what is out there; be brave, take a deep breath, and trust.......trust.........and send them on their way. Because it is such a wonderful world.....