A Friend Who Lies!!!

Keep in mind you are known by the company you keep. Others may assume you too are a liar.
sometimes confrontation is good, but she may beleive the lies

L.,

Do the lies hurt anyone? I have a dear cousin who tells outlandish stories or embellishments, makes up things she said or did, but they're not hurting anyone. For some reason, some people do this, and you'd swear they believe their own lies, and sometimes I really t hink they do! Do you enjoy her company and is she a good friend otherwise? It's annoying and hard to understand and if I say to my cousin I don't believe you, she swears it's true. But it's about insignificant stuff. For example, we both bought a mini table top aquarium with a gourami. Mine died after a few months and I am a fish expert sort of and have had lots of successful big aquariums. She had no experience with fish, yet said hers lived for about 3 years. We were living in separate states then, so I couldn't check up on it. But there's no way I believed it. Stupid stuff.

We all have our vices and indiosyncracies, but for some reason, lieing just infuriates us. We take it as a personal attack. But we all lie. We say tell them I'm not here or we call in sick, etc. We just don't want our friends to lie to us in certain ways, but we all do lie.

So decide if the intent is to harm anyone and if you otherwise like her or find value in her friendship and go from there.

How annoying. She sounds like a compulsive liar. I think I would just try to stay away from her. You have four children and there is no need to add extra drama and worry to your life. I DO think you should call her out on it and tell her you have a problem with her lying to you all the time, even if they are "tiny white lies." A real friend would not sit and lie to you. Plus, it's not a good example for your children.

I would get rid of her. Just try to hang around other friends more often than her. That's what I would probably do.

Good luck.

CUT THE TIES. Your son doesn't need that and neither do you. Talk to her and tell her and tell her WHY, don't just stop communicating and refuse to do things together. There are plenty of people & kids out there to develop HEALTHY relationships with. You HAVE TO SET BOUNDARIES. This will set an example for your son, too. Talk to him about it. You may decide in certain circumstances, like a birthday party, that the child can attend. Just set boundaries and see what happens.

Sorry, but i would have to ditch the friend ESPECIALLY because the boys are such good friends. Your son isn't dumb. He too sees the lies and will soon learn that it is OK to lie to you and then what?

My thoughts here.

If she is lying about things, then she is probably lying about people. If that is the case, you will become a target of juicy conversation. Expect that you yourself, will be lied about.

I quit the bull about being friends with everybody. Read the poem, 'Comes the Dawn'. Don't depend on her to get you right. I had a major female liar friend in my life. So, I have experience in this arena. I cut them loose. You have the right to be picky about who you have on your turf.

http://home.att.net/~velvet-hammer/comesthedawn.html

Putting up with liars is psychologically draining. Call her on the carpet. Tell her to quit the lying and if you should get together, it will be without the cheap lying bullcrap.

Your husband has her number. Parenting is hard, let alone being saddled with a lying friend. You don't need that.

The business about the letter sounds as if she wants her kids to get the benefit of PE (summer school) and NOT wanting your kids to have the same benefits or perks. Lying about the letter excludes your kids and puts her kids at an academic advantage up and over yours. She does NOT want your kids ahead of hers. She lied so your kids would be not included in this program. She is only thinking about herself. Get it?

Good Luck.

Hello L.. I would call her on it. But I'd be nice about it; especially if she is lying around your kids. Kids pick up on nasty habits like lying. If she can't stop lying, tell her that you will have to end your friendship, such that it is.

Good Luck L.,

M. F

I would call her on it in a very cool and polite way. And if she does not stop you have to leave that relationship. It is a waste of energy for you to not 'believe' what she says even if it is over little things. Plus your son is good friends with a boy who lives with a a Mom that sets poor example. Besides it looks like you are way to busy to waste any more energy! AND after reading your story of the school papers, that sounds like she thrives off of causing drama......for no reason but to get a rise out of you. Reminds me of my daughters 1st grade girlfriends.

I am 38, Mom of 3 and 6 year old.

Sounds like she has some maturing to do. Yes, I would confront her but do it lovingly. Perhaps you will be an example to her by showing her how you deal with this behavior. It would also give you an opportunity to explain why it is wrong. You would think she would know better but maybe she has a trust issue herself. Be patient, maybe you can build a trusting relationship and she will be able to confide in you. Be a friend and don't give up on her too soon.

I wouldn't go looking for the lies, but don't let her get away with them either. "Really? But you said...last week" is all she will need to realize you are paying attention. If it doesn't stop, then you can let your kids play but cut her out of your personal life. I'm not great friends with my son's classmates' parents, but we still get them together for play dates and make small talk and get along well.
In response to the letter, I would just call her and ask "What letter were you sent? I was worried about not getting one and I called and asked why I hadn't received one and was told they didn't send out any." It's not accusatory "You lied to me about being sent a letter!" But it will let her know that 1) you know she was lying and 2) it bothered you enough to find out what was going on.

My dear, you have way too many POSITIVE things going on in your life that require your energy - 4 kids, a marriage, a business, and I'm sure other things you haven't mentioned. Don't waste your energy on someone like her.

I have a neighbor (I used to call her a friend) who does the same thing. In a 5 day week she manages to tell me seven different things surrounding the same situation. I actually had her tell me four different stories about the same thing in a fifteen minute conversation. If you call her on it she will sometimes tell you point blank she did not say that within minutes of having it come out of her mouth, or that I did not understand what she said, or get down right angry and yell and scream at me. Then she runs to all of the other neighbors and tells them God only knows what, and causes problems there and then a week later she sees me outside and creeps over crying and wants a hug because I am the only real "friend" she has everyone else just uses her and wants to hug and make it all better. She loves the drama and I think likes to cause confusion and crisis situations. I just don't get involved in them and the other neighbors all know this.

I have given up. No, I do not trust her to tell me anything I do not question. She is a hard worker, loves the children in the neighborhood, and isn't a bad person to kick back and have a glass of ice tea or lemonade with. She knows everybody in the neighborhood's business (while more than half of the gossip is from some fantasy world she lives in) but can discuss movies and books with you. Don't actually trust anything she says but you can train yourself to enjoy the fantasy sometimes.

I got tired of the confusion and keep away most of the time. If the boys are friends I wouldn't want to totally break off the relationship but I would not trust in what she was telling me and pray for her to finally see the light. When you catch her in a lie if it doesn't involve the boys and what is going on should your boy be in her care then blow it off like you would a soap opera on television. Life if to short.

I had a similar situation with a friend. Her lying was generally about small, unimportant things, but occasionally she would twist things I had told her and cause problems for me. Because she was the gf of my husband's best friend I really couldn't just ditch her. But I did limit my exposure to her as much as possible, and I kept my end of the friendship rather superficial. What I realized over the years, though, is that for the most part I think she believes her lies. I did confront her once and she seemed genuinely surprised that I didn't trust her. It didn't do any good confronting her and it really only made her feel bad. My advice to you is to keep your friendship light, and take everything she says with a grain of salt. Since your sons are friends I doubt you can completely rid yourself of her.

Personally I would want to call her out on it. If you don't want the relationship to end then you definately have to address the issue. If I was you I would really consider if I still wanted to be friends with her! I would be concerned that my son was friends with her son. He will probably pick up the behavior from his mom and end up doing the same thing to your son, or get your son in trouble or influence your son to start lieing. You need to really think about if it's worth it to have this quality of person in your life.

L.,
My children both have lots of friends whose moms I am not friends with. Just because they are friends does not mean I have to be friends with the moms. All I need to do is be friendly enough to make arrangements for playdates.

I say distance yourself, and remain just friendly enough that your son won't be uncomfortable with the situation. Plus, I wonder, which child is it? Is it your 14 yo? Because if so, he's old enough to understand you don't really need to be a friend to his friend's mom.

Good luck, J.

I would call her out on in it..but in a nice way. Remind her of what she said and then tell her how you found out she fibbed about it. Next time she does it make a joke "man if you keep lying to me I'm going to have to question everything you say"....if it STILL continues then I would end the friendship. Your time is too valuable to waste it with someone who obviously does not respect you enough to be honest about things (especially little ridiculous things) Focus your time more with your family and other friends who do appreciate your company.

I had a good friend that used me as an excuse to go out with her affair. It really got under my craw that she would lie like that about something big. After a lot of soul searching, I realized that this was not her first time being untruthful. All of the instances were for her gain, but were really not a big deal, until this. I would end the realtionship before you are used for a lie. She will not change her ways. Toxic relationships will always be toxic and will always affect you in the wrong ways. Don't let this person get in between you and your husband. His opinion in correct and, in truth, is the only one that is important as he is your life partner. Ditch her.

You cannot change her behavior, only yours.
I would limit my time with her.....the boys can still play.
Maybe if you call her on it enough times she will solve the problem for you....
Why would you subject yourself to this annoying and dishonest behavior any longer?
Shouldn't she suffer consequences for such habitual behavior?
If not, why would she want to change?

Start out by having a philosophical conversation about truth and trust. Let her know how important truth is to relationships with you. Get her opinion on what she yhinks about truth and the effects of telling even the smallest lie. This will give you an opportunity to let her know that her compulsion is affecting your relationship.