5-Year-old and Lying

I agree with the punishment and explanation stategy. I too had a problem with my 5 year-old daughter lying to me. One additional thing that I did was to ask my daughter why she felt the need to lie. At first I got the typical, "I don't know." as an answer. But eventually she was able to tell me exactly why she told the lie in the first place. It really helped me to understand her and also get my message across without spoiling the trust between us. It also gave her a chance to really think about why she lied and what she really thought she would be achieving. I need her to know she can tell me anything. It might not be so important now, but it will be someday soon. So far it seems to be working. She has been very good at telling me the truth about things that she would have tried to sneak past me before.

Kids test boundaries. It's what they do. I don't think she was doing this in a vindictive or mean way, she was just maybe seeing if she could be sneaky about something. Of course, being a 5-year-old, the nuances of being a "skilled liar" are lost on her, and she showed her hand right up front. She actually TOLD you what she was planning on doing. By mentioning the flashlight, she was pretty much revealing her "master plan". I'll bet if you would have asked, "Do you want to have your flashlight on for a little while", the plan would have unraveled and then it would have turned out differently.
Kids at that age are pretty easy to catch IN the lie. My son would lie about brushing his teeth. When I caught him (I made him give me the breath test), I was crushed. But I just learned that I have to be more attentive to this behavior, so he won't have a reason to lie (does that make sense?). Does she have bedtime issues? Is she afraid of the dark? Ask her why and she'll probably give you a hint at what's going on.

We tell my son his ears turn red when he lies. You can usually tell when he's lying...now, he covers his ears every time he lies! He lied to me on the phone the other day, I wasn't even sure if he was lying, and before I could say anything, he said how can you see my ears over the phone? and fessed up! It's kind of funny, but it has helped curb the lying.
It's just a phase...they like to test their boundaries!
K.

I agree with Dawn, I don't think she realizes that she was doing anything really wrong. I have a 6yr old and 3yr old and sometimes I catch them in silly lies, not harmful at all. Although, I believe we need to teach them that it is wrong to say something that is not true. So don't get too upset about it. It is normal for little ones to see what they can get a way with, but if you're consistant in letting them know it is not ok to lie, then you're are teaching them right and I believe as they grow and mature it will sink in. I tell mine that even though I might not know...God always knows who is lying and who isn't no matter what. That works for my 6yr old because she wants nothing more than to please Him and she always tells me the truth, wether it's she hit her sister first after all or she didn't have the toy first. My 3yr old doesn't really understand the lying yet. My sister tells her kids (8yrs and 10yrs) it's ok to fib but you have 3 seconds to say "I'm just kidding" so people know you are really just pretending. She say it works for them. Hang there and try not to make it a bigger deal then it is. Just keep consistant with her in letting her know, that we don't lie. Unless the lying is harmful or about more serious issues, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Mom of 2 little girls!

Hi...
My daughter tried this about the same age. Here is what I did: I waited a few days and out of nowhere, in conversation, I asked what her three favorite toys were. She cheerfully told me, and then her face went white! She knew why I asked. She started begging immediately that I not take those toys away. I told her that I wish I didn't have to, but that there are always consequences to lying. I then sat her down with the three toys and told her she could have a few minutes to say goodbye. She cried and begged like I have never seen. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, to keep from "caving". I held my ground, listened to the saddest goodbyes and watched the saddest tears... and then I took the toys away. I told her it was up to her IF or WHEN she'd get them back. I don't remember how long it was, weeks at least... she was very good but I wanted to make the biggest impression possible! When I gave her the toys back, I told her she had to apologize to them and explain why they had to go away for so long... It was so adorable... She did not lie again.

Hope this helps.

I think it's helpful to know that lying is VERY typical of 5 year olds, so I guess you should be glad she's normal.:) Be patient with her and continue teaching her about honesty ... and natural consequences.

That is always a tough thing to deal with, but what I did with my little brother (I'm 12 years older than him) and what I do with my daughter is punish them while making sure they know what they've done wrong, let them sit and think about it for 10-15 minutes, then I go in and talk to them calmly and lovingly why it is wrong to lie. They need to know why it makes us so upset and how it would make them feel if we lied to them. Also, what I do with my daughter is explain that punishment for lying is more severe than just doing something wrong and telling the truth about it. The only thing with that is that you have to follow through on it otherwise they won't believe you and keep lying. It has worked sooooooooo well for her. She offers up things that I probably never would have even found out if she hadn't told me. So I think the conversation is the most important part but kids also need to know that there are consequences for things they do and if you use both it seems to work well. My brother respected me so much more than he did my parents because I took the time to sit with him and talk with him and he knew that if I set a punishment for him he wasn't getting out of it. My parents would always say he was going to be in trouble and he would throw a fit and they would back off. I hope this helps! :-)

It may or may not work...we have 5 and it was a solution for all but one of them (that one wasn't motivated by food and was only in our home from 9-14 years old). That said, what we've done is to take the next meal away from them. Lying is a serious sin of the mouth and a breach of trust. we don't put up with it. All of my kids have lost at least one meal. Of our 4 birth kids, none have lost more than 2 meals and they are now 12,14,15, and 16 years old.

I wouldn't beat yourself over the head about it. This is a bit of an age thing. You did the right thing by trying to show her that it is easier to ask permission than to get in trouble for the lie. And she learned that there was a distinct and tangible consequence to the the lie...ie. she lost her flashlight. It is so important for kids to learn that consequences always come as a result of our actions but wether they are "good" or "bad" consequence depends on the choices we make. Having a clear idea of rules and expectations helps these little ones learn and predict the consequences of their choices and will ultimately make them better and wiser decision makers. Just keep at it and don't get discouraged. Kids are not born knowing all the things that are "right" and "wrong"...it is up to us parents to help them learn those things and they are sometimes not fun lessons to teach.

If this is the first time it's happened, and she is truly distraught about it, then you may be in luck. Just keep emphasizing the need for trust - it'll be even more important when she is older and can apply in truth omissions or sneaky behavior too. My daughter (7) is currently grounded from visiting neighbor friends - its' not that she can't play with them, but because she showed poor judgement, I can't trust her to do the right thing out of my sight so they have to play here. Keep emphasizing that no one believes a liar, even when they are telling the truth. Tell her the "boy who cried wolf" story. Good luck!

Oh, this is such a frustrating thing for me too. We have discussions with our children that if they lie to us, we lose trust in them and the next time they tell us something, we may not believe them. That is how real life is, so we try and help them learn that way. Now, when they are fighting with eachother and they both have a different story, they both may be punished because they have lied to me and I don't trust them anymore. We have also added in our discussion how we don't lie to them and how would it feel if we did and we give an example. I have found the worse thing to do is get really mad and punish all of the time because then they start getting sneaky and continueing the lying because they want to avoid that conflict. Look for body language in the eyes and face to try and tell if they are lying and give them the benefit of the doubt most of the time. Sometimes I have had them sit in their room and think about what they have just said and to let me know when they are ready to talk.They usually tell me the truth after that and then we talk about the consequences of lying. It still happens, but is getting better after 1 year with 8 year old son and now my 6 year old daughter is starting!

5 is the age when a child developmentally plays with lying. She is not being disrespectful she is possessed into trying lying just like she was developmentally possessed to try standing and walking. The child is trying to see what will happen if she does lie and gets caught. Then some, who are sensitive, are very upset and remorseful after being caught.

You don't want to focus on being a liar, you don't want to call her a liar, even though she lied. You do want to address it. This is your chance to teach her we don't do this in our family. When a parent calls a child a liar the child gets stuck on the label and misses the lesson.

Try this next time it happens. When you get that sinking feeling that something isn't right you can say one of two things.
1. "What do I need to know that you don't want to tell me?"
2. "I am allowing a lie free zone for 10 minutes. If anything you have said isn't the truth you have 10 minutes to make it right with no punishment. Let's set the timer and I will read a magazine."
The more you handle things this way the more trust you've built into the relationship for the older bigger issues yet to come.

I hope this helps.
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