From my own experience I can tell you that if daddy doesn't say anything then you are fighting a losing battle. I didn't care what my mother thought. Don't know why I didn't care...I still don't understand the dynamic between us when we spend too much time together. I honor and respect my mother, but we get on eachothers nerves when we are around eachother too long. We talk everyday, but for short spurts...and so on.
Recently we were discussing my brother and how he is so much like his father. He rarely disciplines his daughters but will jump all over his son in a heart beat. His girls are becoming very sneaky.
I really feel that if my father had stepped in to back my mother up with discipline and told me that he was disappointed in my behavior when I got into trouble, I would have tried harder to behave. I won't go into all the trouble I got into, but it was not good at all.
My hubby and I talked about this dynamic before we had kids and decided that we would
1.) Always support eachother (quietly and discreetly give eachother the "eye" if we thought one was out of line.)
2.) We would support eachother and back eachother up in decisions...talk about it later if we don't agree with eachother. Be very kind and talk to eachtoher and come to a mutual decision like a team in front of the kids if it can't wait until later.
3.) My husband will not tolerate the kids back-talking or ignoring mommy. He will step in immediately if they aren't minding me....kids tend to listen to a male authority figure more than a female.
Now I see so much of myself and my mother in my girls...especially my oldest. But because I control my temper and my husband backs me up and we take our kids to a good church three times a week.....I can see a completely different outcome than what I experienced. My girls really try to behave. They openly and often express their love for us. And they are overall just great kids. They have their challenges from time to time and they aren't always good, but they really do try.
Your husband needs to get on board and back you up. My husband's father was hands-off as well. He would blame his wife when the kids were getting into trouble, but he never really said anything to any of them because he hated confrontation. And he wasn't willing to discipline any of the kids if they didn't obey. My husband and most of his siblings went through very tough times growing up because they ran the roost. Only throught the diligence and many, many prayers over the years by their mother did most of them turn out well.
So I would sit down with the hubby and discuss the need for a father influence in a child's life...some need that more than others. It's just a proven fact that a male has a greater influence on a child's life if they choose to interact with their kids. Even if he just backed you up with discipline and stepped in when he saw the children not listening to you, that might be enough.
They would understand that you are a team and that their father expects and demands that they listen to their mother at all times.
Then on another note, since every child is different and all respond differently to various forms of discipline I would have to say you may want to consider a more harsh form of discipline. My mother spanked me and my one brother because we didn't care about time-outs or anything else for that matter...that's what worked with us. The other brother HATED a time-out. Discipline has to be something they don't want to endure. If they don't care and continue with the bad behavior, then you need to try something else.
And please don't think that a spanking will make your daughter violent or make her hate you.....She's a strong willed child and it might just bring about the respect that she needs to have for you in order to follow the rules. I've spanked all my kids when necessary and they are the least violent kids I know. They are loving, sweet, and compassionate because they fully understand consequences and respect. My kids don't back talk me. They love me and are very affectionate toward me at all times. I hug my kids and tell them I love them all the time...even after a spanking.
It will not do anything negative to her. For centuries parents have spanked their kids and the world has not ended and in years past the world was less violent as a whole. When a spanking was standard practice you didn't see kids
shoot eachother
yell at their parents
beat up other kids all the time
get into all kinds of trouble (a bad kid was rare)
run away
drop out of school (a drop-out was rare)
have babies out of wedlock
use illicit drugs in the numbers they do now
laze around all the time
I could go on, but I think you see the picture I'm laying out here. Kids in decades past were way better than they are now and kids respected and loved their parents way more than they do now. I rarely if ever saw a kid yell at his/her parents growing up...and my mom even less. But now I see it all the time. Why is that? Because parents are afraid to discipline their kids....they don't spend enough time with them...they don't teach values anymore....most kids are raised by the television and music videos
So consistent, firm consequences and a father that backs you up might be just what your middle child ordered.
Good luck!
PS Personally I think the mommy who posted that the punishment is forching her to lie and hide from you is...well how do I put this nicely....can't think of a politically correct term. She's been indoctrinated with all the garbage that has come out of the child psychiatric comminuty for the past few decades and turned our kids into monsters.
Dear Lord, to say that consequences are driving her to lie is like saying assigning sentences to write makes a kid not want to write anymore. Or giving a criminal comminuty service makes them want to hide their crimes even more.
Your daughter lies because she's a red-blooded, living, breathing child. Many children lie. Most will lie if they have done something wrong. It's normal. And if her children don't lie it's because they know mommy won't punish them in anyway and thus they probably run the roost and do whatever they please at home and school. I've seen kids like that in the middle school I worked in for nine years.....they did what they pleased and looked at you like you were nuts if you said something about it. They got offended if you said they shouldn't do something and dismissed you completly. Their parents would come to school just aghast when you suggested that their child did something inappropriate and wouldn't stop. And would not believe that their child ever lied to them about anything.
Your daughter does need you to talk to her and all the time...but she also needs boundaries and consequences.
