A Sneaky Friend

Then don't.If she is a good friend then let her know that you know and how disappointed you are, don't judge until you know the whole story. Tell her that when she wakes up and sees what she is doing to her life you will be there to talk to. If she is just an aquaintance then just let the friendship go, she will get the hint.

C.,

Sorry that you found out some news about a friend of yours. If you do not want to be apart of this or hear about it I would suggest that you tell her directly up front. It would be better that you know as little as possible.

J.

Hi C.,

You don't have to be a part of this if you don't want to. The next time your friend drops a hint, let her know you know about her affair and you don't want to hear anything more about it. If you really want to help her, suggest she go to counseling to find the underlying reason for doing this so that maybe she can stop and save her family.

Good luck!
L.

Wow! What a horrible thing to go through. I agree with some of the other people. If you feel like you don't want to be a part of it, then don't. I too had an EX-husband that cheated. I really don't know how FAR the relationship went, but I don't care either. It is NOT right, no matter WHAT the circumstances are! I don't care if you are going through a rough time in your marriage, you do NOT go out and find someone else to "make things better." Marriage is a sacred thing that should not be taken lightly. If they are having a rough time then they should seek counseling and try and work it out. Sorry, but that is just my thought.

Good luck with it all and I do not blame you for wanting no part of it!!!!

If you don't want to get involved with this then don't. I went through something similar recently with a good friend and unfortunately the choices she's making are harming her children. I can't support someone doing that but I have found a way to still be a friend to her. I made her aware that I did not approve of what she was doing, I told her I thought she was being selfish and she was not putting her children before her own desires. I did it as respectfully as I could and in the same breath I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to continue the friendship on one condition. That she not discuss or involve me in that matter. When things come crashing down, as they always do, I'll be there to help pick up the pieces but you can't tell someone how to live their life. She's an adult and there is nothing you can do about the choices she is making. If you care to continue the friendship be there without being involved. She's likely very confused and hurting and needs to know her friends are there but there are limits and sometimes you just have to step back and let them work out their issues. Good luck to you and your friend. I can't imagine betraying my husband in that way ever but we aren't living her life and can't know her struggles.

I agree with everything Tracie and Andrea said. The judgements being thrown around are absolutely incredible. No one knows what really goes on inside a marriage except for the two people who mad the committement. You don't have to be involved in what your friend is doing, condone it, encourage it or otherwise. You can, however, continue to be her friend. When her affair ends (and it will) she's going to need your friendship more than ever. The best friends are the ones that support and love in spite of disagreements.

Lots of responses to this one! I don't know what's going on with your friend, but I learned recently that it can be really hard when your friends do shitty things to their partners. We were very close to a couple (in fact, we introduced them many years ago) and the guy recently started an affair with someone else and asked for a divorce. He did other dumb, hurtful things and has generally been clueless from start to finish about how shitty his actions are. I think our whole circle of friends feels like it also affects us, because he wants us to condone his behavior by acting like it's all no big deal. It's weird how the ripple effect is hurtful to us, the friends on the sidelines, too.

Anyway, I sympathize with your feelings. It is a terrible feeling to know that a longterm friend turns out to be able to do some pretty lousy things. The only thing you can do is to not let yourself be used. Be kind but don't get drawn in. My friend has tried to make me listen to his rationale and it just makes me feel soiled and upset, so I told him that I like him, but I also like his wife, and I just can't talk to him about it right now.

Sometimes people make bad, really bad decisions in life. She and her husband are obviously having a really hard time right now. IF she confides in you, you could try and be her friend and find out what has been happening in her life that she felt the need to go and be with someone else. You could try and guid her toward therapy and resolving whatever issues she is having at home. No one ever knows what goes on iside ahome behind closed doors. Try being a friend - that does not mean that you have to be ok with it. Good luck!

Confront her. Just say I know this is none of my business but are you having an affair? and if so how could you do this to your family. Tell her to get help or you don't want any part of this. That way you know the truth and then you can decide if you want to be her friend or not.

Hi C.. Have a sit down with your friend and tell her how you feel about the situation. Do not judge her, just tell her you do not want to be involved in the secret of her affair. Are you willing to lose her freindship? That may be what happens, but as long as that is your choice, then that is your decision. Does she expect you to cover for her, support her, lie for her, keep the secret from everyone including your husband? If so, ending the friendship may be in your best interest. Point out to her what she has to loose; her family, respect from her kids and family members, the trust and honesty that a good marriage needs (if her husband finds out he may not ever be able to trust her again), can she support herself if her husband divorces her? The grass is not always greener on the other side. If she is unhappy in her marriage, she should get a divorce, THEN find someone new. She has a lot at stake and may not be thinking about the mess that this affair will cause if her husband finds out.

I would not say anything to your friend. Once she tells you about her affair, please tell her to seek out therapy. Perhaps she is not happy with herself and her marriage. Most likely, she is just bored with herself and is acting very selfishly. I would also tell to quit the boyfriend and NOT to tell her hubby. If she is serious about the marriage, she should seek out why she is so destructive with therapy. I do not believe her hubby should shoulder the pain of her affair. If she intends to leave her family, then she needs therapy to help her through this transitional time. Still, the boyfriend is only a symptom of the problem. The problem is within her. If I were you, I would stay out if it. The less you know, the better. After she tells you, ask her what she wants you to do with this information. Why would she want others to know about her weaknesses? I find people like that to be very selfish. Yucky friend!

How close is this friend? I would understand your point of not wanting to be a part of it if you guys weren't really too close, just kinda "buddies." BUT-if you guys are really close friends and have been friends for awhile I don't think it is fair to be a "fair weather friend." True friendship weathers all storms. She is probably making a HUGE mistake, but this doesn't have anything to do with you and YOUR choices. These are hers, so why are you a "part of it" by hearing her out a bit. She may not see the reality of her choices or the consequences they might bring, but my guess is she is going to need her friends around her when this crashes. She may need a friend to sit her down and say, "What the hell are you doing?" But NOT in a judgemental way, but in a caring way like, "Thick or thin, I'll try to help you get through this..." I'm sure she is having all sorts of mixed emotions and like I said, is probably going to "fall" sooner or later. True friends stick it out with you and try to catch you no matter what...this is the true meaning of unconditional. In my opinion you gotta weather all sorts of stuff before you get to the point of not caring...

I couldn't disagree with Andrea S more! My first husband cheated on me (I am now very, very happily remarried to a wonderful, faithful man!) and it nearly killed me. Infidelity in a marriage is one of the most painful experiences someone can go through. I go crazy when people make light of it. Absolutely, positively do not tell her husband!!! It will only hurt him and does no good but to make you feel better. He shouldn't be hurt to assuage your bad feelings or her guilt. Secondly, you can be judgmental (it doesn't matter how many people this happens to). Your friend is doing something wrong, selfish, hurtful and destructive to her family. If it was me, I would tell her I couldn't be friends until the affair was over- period. Once she ends it then you can talk about ways to help her heal her marriage or move on with her life without her spouse.