A Special Question for the Dads on This Site

If it worked for either my husband or I to be at home full-time and we could afford it, I'd be all over it. Yes, I'd want it to be me, but my husband would want it to be him too.

I think you need to be direct and honest with him - it can be hard, but it's the best way to fix this problem. Ask him to start looking for something part-time, if that's a possibility. Explain to him WHY you want to stay home...maybe he will listen. If he doesn't essentially this is something you agreed to 9 years ago, and you'll have to give it time to work back into what you're looking for.

Don't leave him over it, that's not the solution to fixing it. Just be honest, open, direct, and clear.

Leaving him is not the answer.

I don't have any good ideas, and I'm not a guy -- I will be interested to see the other responses.

If I may…
Have you made your request/thoughts very clear? Not just in passing "oh sigh… I wish I could stay home with the kids…" You need to look him right in the eyes and say exactly how you feel and what you want.
Like others have said is he a good stay at home dad? Is the house taken care of? Do you come home to a worry free household after work?
Communication is key to this. Ultimatums won't work, I'm sure you know that.
If he flat out states "I'm not getting a job" then you have some soul searching to do.
Admiration for sticking to your vows is one thing, reality is sometimes another.
If you married a self centered child then you have more issues than what you've shared here.
Wish you luck.

Well, since he want to revers traditional rules. You should do the same. Your the only bread winner. So as of today you will be in charge of all the money and the decisions that go with that. Put him on an allowance, tell him 10% of what you make a week will be going into a saving acct. DON'T put his name on it. Go old school only with reversed rules. Wonder how long it takes him to get a job then.

But it doesn't make any logical sense for him to work. Sorry I am not one to base structural decisions on emotion and that is what you are doing here. You want him to work because you don't want to work anymore. Thing is if he can even secure a position after being out of work for that many years it will not pay as much as you make. It is wishful thinking to think otherwise.

You really should direct this question to stay at home moms who have re entered the workforce because as one of those, you are living in a dream world. Employers do not treat men with gaps in employment any better than women, if anything I would think it is harder for men.

I had to go back and get a degree to be marketable.

So there, I did not say leave him because that would be silly. I am saying you are making an irrational request. It would be reasonable to ask him to get a part time job to get his foot back in the door but to get a job so you can quit? Dreaming.

Here's what I see: I understand your disappointment that he didn't keep his word. But - Your husband doesn't want to work, and hasn't for the last 9 years. This is the reality, and I don't think it's going to change. You've said yourself - you've cried and begged. It didn't change anything. It's not going to change anything. And you're not leaving your marriage. So....

I think that what you should do now is put your effort into loving the life you actually have, and not the one you wish you had. Don't spend more time thinking about what it would be like if you were a SAHM, it just makes you feel bad. Spend your time making the most of the time you are home with your kids, in your non-working hours, because that is your reality.

Accept the life you have and learn to love it, dwelling on what you don't have will never make you happy.

IMO-both parents should always work outside the home and contribute to lessen the stress of the other. I tend to feel badly for the working parent whose spouse stays at home because of all that pressure. I understand the parent that want to stay home but just think it is an unfair situation. As you stated above, you feel the added pressure to maintain and improve the financial situation and it's causing you stress and disappointment. I would assume most working parents feel that way if the other half is not contributing financially. You may stay in a job you are unhappy with or stay in a field that no longer makes you happy because there is really no other choices. I would think most people just keep that to themselves and make the best of it.

You will need to continue working-that is just a fact. I would, however, ask him to start contributing and get a job of some sort and then maybe you can start to build up some reserves. Maybe you can cut back at work a little or take some additional time off but you need to realize you are in the workforce for the long haul.

If you make a budget up-start operating on a cash only basis for him. Take the credit cards away and determine what can be spent on groceries, entertainment, etc and then give him the cash to do those things only. If he spends the money foolishly-well the money will be doled out differently or maybe you'll need to take a step or two back to go forward and do those things with him as a family (ie grocery shopping). You can't spend what you don't have (without credit :))

I get that you feel let down, and that he didn't follow through with the original plan.
But what marriage ends up just as planned?
He's gotten used to staying home, and it sounds like he likes it.
Let me ask you this, is he a GOOD stay at home dad? If he's as good as I am as a stay at home mom then that means you come home every night to a pretty clean house, a good meal and clean, well taken care of kids.
(Well most nights LOL!)
Which means you should have PLENTY of time evenings and weekends to be fully engaged with your kids.
I don't know. Is this a deal breaker for you?
Would you rather leave him and then only see your kids three or four nights a week? You'd still be working and probably be paying him alimony too!
I'd suck this up as one of those "you can't always get what you want" life lessons. Try to appreciate and enjoy what you DO have, instead of focusing on broken dreams.

Oh wow. I'm sorry!
Wanting to be at home with your kids is not a silly emotional decision.
This I'd something you want.
He knew this.
You expressed this early on.
I admire you for honoring your vows and being determined to make this work.
I think the biggest issue in your marriage is his selfishness.
He has made a selfish decision, dismissing YOUR wants and needs.
Not cool. No matter the topic.
Earning power would be greater for him.
This is a no brainer.
I'm sorry, sounds like poor little rich dad needs to step up.
Hopefully counsing will help.

I guess you know how many men in todays society feel, the stress of financial support is on you while the bulk of the child care falls to your spouse. Why should your desire to be home trump his? Is it because he is the man and you are the woman? Doesn't that teach your children a huge double standard? I know my husband hates how much time he misses out on with the kids, he would love for me to be the bread winner so he could stay home and make up for some of the time he has missed out on, but the fact is he has been the one working (as you have) and I could not make his wage after all this time at home. Whether you like it or not, your husband has a point on that fact. I just don't get why you feel you are more entitled to be the stay at home then he is, or why you would ever consider him being a stay at home dad as grounds for divorce. Clearly you both need to find some kind of middle ground or compromise, maybe that would be him going back part time so you could go down to part time? All of this should be discussed in therapy of course.

But you have to understand how the request looks to him, you are unhappy because you don't see the kids enough and the stress of money is on you, so you want him to switch places with you, where he can be the unhappy one, and you are mad he does not understand that he should just do this. Him going back to work so you can stay home may not be an option so if I was you I would focus on the middle ground. That is what we are doing now, I am going back to work part time so he no longer has to travel for work to make extra money for things and to help build savings.

You and DH need to (re)consider counseling if you cannot discuss family needs without more than "yup, that stinks for you". It sounds to me like you have a grown man-child on your hands, who is quite happy to let you do all the heavy lifting. I think that is the REAL problem here. Even though I left my miserable job, I did not do so til I had tried to make it work, and when I did, I found PT work to support the family. I contribute. I cannot find any job that would equal DH's (he is a senior manager) so while I understand he would like to be home instead, he will likely get that chance when he takes an early retirement (that we are planning for) and I return to FT work.

I think you and DH aren't on the same page in a lot of ways and his mother just wants to coddle him as she always has. So find a professional if you want to stay married. If the one you used didn't work, try another or try individual counseling. If it is possible he is depressed and not just selfish, make it a condition to seek help and actually do something about it.

If he won't budge and this is eating you up, then you either live like this possibly forever or you head out on your own. If you have been begging him for 10 years, then he hasn't heard you and needs more incentive to change. He is way too comfortable and knows you will not let the roof crash over the kids' heads. Maybe it is time for him to spend some time with his mother and you find a nanny or other sitter for the boys while he contemplates his navel.

If you feel like he is not "earning his keep", that's one thing. Is he a good SAH-Dad, or is he just sitting around eating chips?

As long as he is a good SAH-Dad, I agree with Turnip - you're functioning the most effectively/efficiently as you are now. I seriously doubt that after being out of the workforce for years, he'll be able to re-enter and magically start earning as much as or more than you do.

If you just want him to work so you can quit - REGARDLESS of the fact that it might mean your family income drops significantly - then, you need to have that conversation with him, and try to get him on board with a financially "poorer" lifestyle. (Which might be what you've been trying to do by creating a budget? But he is ignoring the budget? You should talk to him about that.)

ETA: I agree with Debbie re: finances - if he acts like a financially irresponsible child, treat him like one - you are sole breadwinner, he can get an allowance from you!!

Hey E.,

I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry. I've been with someone like your husband and left before we had kids. To your question:

"I would LOVE to know how to ask him to TRY to keep his word on this and have it go somewhere."

That's a tough one. It's only going to happen if *he* sees a reason to do so. I wasn't able to get my ex to keep his commitments about working because, simply put, he had no impetus or incentive to. There was nothing in it 'for him' and so--even if I was miserable and very unhappy-- he had no reason to change how he was making his choices (which meant not holding down jobs).

I figured the only person who could change things for me was ME. I think you will have to get to that place if and when you are ready. Perhaps you could go to counseling on your own, just for you. I had to fight to make it a priority at one point in my life, but it really was worth it. Knowing how I'd gotten to where I was, what my options were, what I was genuinely feelings, what my deep-seated fears were... all of this was worthwhile.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, I don't have anything else to tell you but to look inward. He's not going to change because it's still working for him and he's made it clear; his family is also not going to help you so... time for you to figure out how to help yourself make the life you want. It may require time, patience, and a lot of thinking outside of the box. Hugs. I know it stinks.

Are you stressed from the job? Why do you want to stay home with the kids?
I'd love to have mine attend daycare and experience the structure and socialization but it's so expensive. At home day after day gets old for all of us.

Maybe a new job? Something you love?

I'm not a stay at home dad, but I think it really depends on the fields you are both in, your backgrounds, education, etc. Would it really be feasible for him to re-enter the workforce after all this time and make as much as you do now? That's the first thing I'd consider.

Secondly, there has to be a compromise and middle ground somewhere. It sounds like he doesn't even want to try a different routine at this point. The counseling route you're in may help you both come to an understanding.

I'd approach this issue as logically and objectively as possible. It's hard to do that, of course, because it's about the kids and what you want with the family, but I'd encourage you both to take out some of the emotion out of this and really explore if it's possible or not. If so, take it to the next step. If not, then you're kind of at a loss with the SAHM thing, and maybe there's another route you could take.

Don't leave him over this..that would be too rash and detrimental. Not appropriate for a situation like this. Then there's no way you'd be a SAHM ;)

My heart goes out to you! My sister is in a similar situation. When she met her husband, he had big (yet vague) plans on how he was going to take care of her. He still lived with his wealthy parents and was living off of his part-time job and trust fund. Red flags! He has an ivy league education, but interestingly enough, he can't hold a job that pays much more than minimum wage!

My BIL works full time answering phones for a bank, but he makes far less money than they pay for school/day care for their three kids. His parents actually pay for the tuition of their older son's private school. BIL can't be a stay-at-home parent because he can't manage his time or stay on track with any tasks. So basically, instead of taking care of the kids, he would end up surfing the internet all day. And the trust fund he had been living off of? It was quite small.

My sister is sad that she never got to stay home with the kids for more than just the first couple months. She has made peace with the fact that her husband is more or less unemployable and will never be able to hold a career-oriented job. She knows that she will always have to be the breadwinner. She is okay with it, but I'm sure she still wishes her husband was more of a responsible adult. They fight a lot of about money and the division of labor. I don't think my BIL is a bad person, but he certainly never had any reason to grow up and be a man. I wouldn't be surprised if my sister and he divorce after the kids are out of the house. I don't think they enjoy each other's company much any more.

When my BIL's parents die, they will probably leave him with a few million dollars. But I don't know that they will name my sister in the inheritance. I just wonder if things will get better between her and her husband with all that money or if the power struggle will be even worse.

I'm sorry I don't have any actual advice for you. But your issue really isn't about asking your husband to reverse roles with you. It is about how to get him to act like the man that he promised to be. Best of luck to you. I hope you can find some kind of compromise.

The only thing that comes to my mind is: Why in the world did you continue to have children under these circumstances? If you two agreed that you would stay home and he would go off to slay the dragons, once you saw that you were on a different path, why didn't you bring that baby-making to a screeching halt and get things back on track? Of course, in the midst of caring for young children, making these changes is not always so simple. When you saw that things weren't "right" with one, why, oh, why keep 'em coming???

At this point, it looks like you have painted yourself into a corner. Now, you will have to just wait for the paint to dry before moving around. You might have to wait for all the kids to be in school.

I totally see where you're coming from.
He has went back on his word, for a LONG time. I'm really not sure what the easy answer is though.
I am lucky enough to be a SAHM. I will tell you though, that there are many times I am somewhat jealous of my husband. I adore my kids, I knew I wanted to stay w/ home them. But it is extremely difficult at times. I NEVER get time to myself, hardly any adult interaction at all. I feel at times I lost myself into motherhood. I have gotten a hair cut TWICE in a year LOL
Does he fully run the show as far as caring for the kids and the household needs? Or are you putting in a bunch of hours there too? I have friends who work full time, and still do everything at home and with the kids.
Honestly pretty soon there won't be a need for either of you to be home full time. But I totally understand your resentment. You got cheated out of something you really wanted.
At this point, what can you do? You can't FORCE him to get a job. I'm sorry, wish I better advice :(

Oh wow, this is so hard. I worry that if things stay as they are, soon enough you'll realize that your children are grown and out of the house and you will look back with such resentment that it will be terrible for your marriage, not to mention your unhappiness.

I feel like you should start by asking your husband to be a part of this solution, rather than telling him what he should do (not that this is what you are doing). A very direct conversation of "Years ago, I supported you in quitting the job you hated, with the understanding that you would find a new job. I understand that you liked staying home, but I need to be able to stay at home with the children now. How can we work this out so that we are both getting what we need?"

This makes it an us problem, not just a me vs him problem. But I caution you, this will tell you what kind of guy he is. Him saying that he likes being a SAHD- that's not a solution. That is a selfish pursuit that doesn't take you into consideration at all.

My sister's husband was laid off 5 years ago, and did sort of the same thing. Claimed to be 'freelance', which was code for doing whatever he wanted. They had a baby and my sister had to return to work because he just wouldn't hear of getting a job. She is pretty miserable. She pretends that it is ok, mostly because I think she's afraid if she really told him she wanted to be at home, he would just say no and then she'd have to admit that she is married to a selfish man. She has cried so many times about missing bedtime with the baby and her first steps, words, etc. We all feel terribly for her, and no that the bitterness will only grow.

I think it helps that he does have off and on work experience, so it wouldn't be a huge leap to return to full time. But again, try to frame it as a 'I want us both to be happy, but I am not happy right now and this is what I need' scenario. You are asking for his help in solving a problem.

Please keep us posted, I hope things go favorably for you.