Not So Happy, Need Some Advice

To find happiness, you can change your circumstances, or you can change your attitude.

Best of luck.
F. B.

Your husband is not your father.
He's not going to work 3 jobs so you can stay home with the kids.
Two incomes give your family a lifestyle that you wouldn't otherwise have.
You might be willing to make sacrifices but your husband isn't.
You imagined family life was going to be one way and it turned out to be something else.
So I can understand your disappointment.
Most of your friends are stay at home moms - this is really rubbing you in the envy department.
I think you need some more working mom friends.

Quitting and telling your husband 'tough' is not going to make you or your family any happier.
And I'd have to tell you that leaving and re-joining the work force isn't easy - you can't pick up where you left off.
Your retirement and saving for kid(s) college expenses would really take a hit if you stayed home right now.
So working has some very good pluses and you need to really explore that - it is a silver lining that you are ignoring and you shouldn't.
I think some counseling for you to help you change your mind about what makes you happy might be in order.
I wouldn't dismiss the possibility of depression or taking meds for depression either.
I think YOU need to see some perks of your lifestyle too (not just your Hubby).
So instead of a new car/boat - maybe spend some money on something for YOU (spa weekend, laser hair removal, a meditation retreat vacation for you, etc) and let hubby handle the kids on his own for a few days.

Your children are around 10 and 18, I think you need to be honest with yourself, you don't want to be a stay at home mom, you just don't want to work. Sorry but no spouse is going to get behind that.

I know you want to think people do not understand because they are not agreeing with you but that isn't the case. No one likes to work, your husband doesn't like to work. Hell I love! my job and even I would love to take more days off!

*hush Theresa*

I am waiting for Theresa to point out I have three weeks of vacation untouched. Still if I could get my job done without doing anything I would be all over that!

I was also a stay at home mom for 18 years and you do it when they are little for the kids, you do it when they are older because there is no reason for you to work at that point which is why I am not buying your stay home with the kids line. I would suggest finding a job you enjoy but it sounds like it isn't the job that is the issue, you just don't want to work.

I feel like I am rambling at this point because I just don't know what good advice to give you. Maybe people are right suggesting therapy. I have known women like you and they just aren't happy, ever, except for small bursts of time. They don't know why they are unhappy and they don't know how to figure it out. I have seen them work, not work, have lots of kids, one kid, nothing changes the unhappiness. So don't quit work, you will then be broke and unhappy which I have been told is the worst of all.

It's your wants vs his wants and I think you need to sit down with him and discuss wants vs needs and what is a reasonable budget to work from. If you can't come to a mutually beneficial agreement, then consider counseling. If the issue is you are stuck in a job you hate because of his spending, then of course you will feel resentful.

I would also start seeking other opportunities. Maybe another FT job will be more flexible and still have the ability to provide what you need. I would split the bank accounts to his, hers and yours, and direct deposit money from each of your paychecks to "yours" for bills only. Determine how much by adding up the bills and having each of you add a % based on income (my DH contributed more when I worked FT because he made 2x more). Then my money that was leftover after my own bills (gas, groceries, my credit card) was mine to spend as I wished, and his to spend as he wished, but the bills were paid first. His car payment came out of his "fun money" without hurting the household. Any extra in our joint account at the end of the year was put aside for a vacation.

It is hard to see people with what you want. I suggest that if you feel resentful about this, you try to make steps that are right for you and your family. I left a FT job that paid well because it was making me miserable. I work PT now, but one of the downsides is no benefits. I just had it out again with the doctor I am forced to see because of my DH's HMO, which we have because it was the easiest way to provide insurance for his older children. I miss my PPO dearly, but I'm stuck unless I get a different job - which comes with all the complications of working FT. But either I do something about it or I lose my right to complain. Some people don't even have what I have and I need to remember to count my blessings.

If he buys big ticket items without your input, you need to look long and hard at the finances. Perhaps employ a third party planner to help him see that these items are not more worthy than your time and health.

My cousin just died very suddenly. Her youngest is just 18. You do not know if you have 10 years to make things happen to be "happy". A decade is a very long time to wait for happiness. What is HE waiting for? Maybe he should wait 10 years for his new car or new boat, too.

ETA: We have SAHD friends. My DH would love to be a SAHD but we really can't afford it. Even if I worked FT, there's no way I could make his pay with my skills and we'd lose the house. He's worked very hard to get where he is and I try to remember that he's sacrificing a lot when he has a bad day. Men can feel just as trapped when they have crappy jobs and it can make them resentful if their spouse stays home. If you two do not communicate clearly and often, staying home would only be a different can of worms.

Momma

You need to see your doctor - you might be suffering from depression. YOU are responsible for your own happiness. NO ONE ELSE. Find something that helps you bond with your kids when you are off work - even if it's something as simple as playing games!

Then you need marriage counseling. You and your husband need to get on the same page. He sounds like my ex-husband who was the "see it, want it, buy it" and didn't save for anything.

You CANNOT compare your husband to your dad. Sorry. They are NOT the same people. You did NOT marry your dad. You need to accept that. This is why you NEED Marriage counseling.

Ask your husband about what memories he has of HIS parents and his early childhood. If his mom worked full time and he was raised with "everything" - that's what he is expecting from you.

Get to a financial advisor. TODAY! You need to figure out how you can afford these things he wants and he needs to see the long-term consequences for what he WANTS. Does he know the difference between WANT and NEED? If not? He needs to.

Please get to a doctor and talk to him/her about your situation - depression and counseling.

Find a marriage counselor. Get going. If your husband refuses to go? I would tell him that this is a MUST IF HE WANTS OUR MARRIAGE TO continue..My husband and I don't use "divorce" but damn if I wouldn't here.

Find a financial advisor.Your bank should have one as a free service to you. (we all know nothing in life is free - but it should be included as part of your being a memeber of the bank - I know that tUSAA and Navy Federal offer these services.

In the mean time? Get your resume out there and get another job. You can't have another burden around your neck or another monkey on your back. If the recruiter asks you why you are leaving so quickly? Tell him/her the truth - the position is NOT a fit for me. It happens.

Good luck!

It sounds like you are not happy with your job (old or new) or with your marriage. You and your husband push each other's buttons, and whether he buys stuff or not, what he says/does makes you stressed out. Maybe he's not actually spending on stuff, but even if he is fantasizing about fluff things like tattoos or unnecessary cars, it's a problem for you. Your not wanting to work is a stressor on him. So you aren't helping each other, and you are causing each other problems.

I think going back to counseling is a great idea - whether you have depression/anxiety or whether it's something else, you really need someone to listen to you, help you sort things out, and help you find more happiness.You don't feel listened to or understood.

Perhaps you could be happier in your job if you were happier in life. Maybe not - maybe it's not the right job for you. But you won't find that out until you get a better handle on your emotions and your feelings about wanting to be there for your kids.

I don't know whether medication would help you or not. It helps many people, but it doesn't help others, and it's not a substitute for a clear head and better communication. Please take care of yourself. If your husband won't go to counseling, go without him.

You can't always adjust your attitude just on your own - sometimes you need a caring and guiding hand, and the right counselor (therapist, social worker, job counselor, anything) can be an enormous help.

Till your garden and grow where you're planted.

I'm not sure what to say - most people work because they have to, not because they want to. I work to live, not live to work. My job is fine, but if I won the lottery, would I quit? Heck yes. But I don't dwell on what I would be doing every day if I was not at work. Yes, there are some people who stay home, but many many others don't have that luxury.

If you are surrounding yourself with people who continually make you feel jealous and miserable, maybe you need to try spending some time with other two-income families who you can relate with. Or, for an even bigger reality check, start volunteering at a homeless shelter and not only will you do some good for others, but you will appreciate your own life more.

Otherwise, I agree with others that you should seek therapy. Not marriage counselling, but therapy just for you and at your first appointment, tell the therapist exactly what you wrote here "I just want to be happy. I do not know what to do to make myself happy."

i'd resent that too. some of us have to work, period. no options. i was one of them. but if my husband had been okay with putting our kids in daycare and making me unhappy so he could have a new boat, that would not fly.
you've got a big ol' boulder to push up a big mountain here, hon and i don't think some pat answers on a message board will suffice.
marriage counseling is surely the place to start. if you two can start communicating more effectively with each other, you'll have a better idea where to go from here.
good luck!
khairete
S.

I don't think that you are being very fair to your husband.

You say that you have been miserable for years and blame it on your job. You changed job and now say you hate that one too...doesn't sound like you gave the new one much of a chance. If you really didn't want the new job, then why did you take it? The fact that you are still miserable indicates that it really wasn't your job making you miserable.

I don't believe that your husband doesn't care...he is just being realistic. Most families need 2 incomes nowadays. He sounds like he really works hard. I cannot believe that you would expect him to work 3 jobs so that you can sit at home. Based on previous questions, it's not like you have young babies either...your kids are in school most of the day anyway.

It doesn't appear that you have sat down and figured out what it would take to make you happy. You just know that you want what you want and you want it NOW. You come across as spoiled and entitled based on what you have written here.

Lack of focus, nausea, unrealistic expectations, and migraines can be symptoms of depression. Please see someone trained to help you decide if you are or not.

Assuming you have not, the first thing I would be doing is tracking expenses, bills, and income on a spread sheet. I would track for at least four months and then analyze with your husband the " operating" cost of your family. Also look at your financial future.

Then I would be asking myself how as a SAHM or working mom, can I contribute to the operating costs? If you can budget out your income show it or perhaps you can work towards this goal?

You can talk or wish all you want, but until you can show it on paper, it's not gonna happen.

You are control of this.

I agree with the others that some marital counseling is needed. It doesn't sound like you and husband can work together on this. Find a new therapist if you felt no progress was made with the other one.

ETA: I don't mean this to sound harsh, but YOU need to decide your goals and then YOU need to to take the concrete steps to make them happen.

I haven't read all the responses so I may be repetting some things. First I'm sorry your going through this and I've pretty much been there. My DH and I both have careers that often require more than 50 hour weeks plus 3 kids 2 of which require therapies and interventions for their special needs. We have no family or support system near by.
So I get it.

1. You need individual counseling for you to get better mentally and physically

2. You and your husband need to do a budget and stick to it. That means you agree on the budget each month not you dictating to him nor him to you. Please check out financial Peace University. If your not relgious find a se large group following these principles or just ignore the god talk. The financial principles and communication it requires it's sound.

3. Please do not expect your husband to work multiple jobs like your dad so you can stay home. Your dad probably did this more our of necessity meaning your mom couldn't make enough money to have left over after child care. Regardless of his motivation it is very one sided and unrealistic to expect this of your husband.

4. You mention you've struggled throughout your life so you could quit your job and find you are still unhappy and home - see point #1.

I really do get where you are coming from. My life is very stressful because we have no support system close to us and the particular challenges of our careers and child challenges. Virtual hugs

A few things your post brought to mind - the biggest is, make sure you speak with your doctor. It is possible you are depressed.

On the other hand, it sounds as though you were raised in a certain lifestyle and you expect that as an adult. The fact of the matter is that most (MOST) American families can't afford to only have one working parent. Many of us moms have to work these days. I'm not saying this to be mean but it does sound as though your expectations just aren't meshing up with reality. And you've convinced yourself that to "make yourself happy" you need these certain things i.e. not working. I get it, I do - but honey, none of us WANT to work lol. It's just life.

Have you two worked out your budget? Have you had open, frank discussions about where your money goes? It sounds like there's a lot of resentment on your part, and possibly on his too, regarding money. If your husband is already working full time AND working side jobs, believe it or not, that's pretty stand up of him. Why would you expect him to work three jobs and you get to stay at home, just because that's how your parents did it - that is a very big exception, not how it works in most cases. And honestly, I don't think it would be fair to your husband if you did do that. You seem very concerned about everyone making YOU happy, but how happy would he be, working three jobs and never seeing his kids, while you were with them 24/7? My S.O. would be miserable.

I'm honestly not trying to be mean, but barring a doctor diagnosing you with actual depression, it's worth noting that outside forces don't "make" you happy or unhappy. You need to decide for yourself, from within, whether you will be. Basing your happiness on outside things will NEVER work, because that's not what lasts. Good luck hon, I do hope you can find some peace.

It sounds like you need to find out what kind of career you would like. Not just job, but work that you would find rewarding. You seem to feel entitled to stay home and not work. Do you think your husband is entitled to stay home and not work? I bet not. You have just as much of an obligation to support your family as he does. You seem to expect HIM to work harder and longer and therefore give up more of his time with the children. NOT a fair expectation. It was not fair to your dad to work 3 jobs - I suspect he didn't get to spend much time with you. What did you want to be when you grew up? What can you do to get there?

When I finally got relief from depression through the help of a counselor I learned so many things. I learned how to talk to myself better and be more encouranging. Everything isn't, "the sky is falling and poor little ole me". I had to learn how to take responsibility for my own happiness. I had to learn how to see the glass as half full instead of half empty.

Learn to be happy where you are and stop trying to look for the green grass on the other side of your current situation.

In other words count your blessings.

If you could be home with the kids what would that look like. What things from that dream can you incorporate into you current day? This requires a bigger imagination than you already have.

No one has lived there best life without being able to see it first in their mind's eye and then move from that abstract thought to a concrete one.

When you were growing up times were different and things didn't cost what they do now so please stop trying to force your husband to play the role your father played when he was raising you.

Make your own lemonade, lemon tarts, and/or lemon cake from the lemons you think you have been handed. I bet you if your wrote things down you would see your life isn't as bad as you make it out to be. Be grateful for what you have, consider what you want and plan out how to move from where you are to where you want to be with a gratefulness about it otherwise you will find yourself home and still unhappy.

I was a SAHM for 5 years, and while I'm glad I had that time with my kids, I was not happy. I started working when my oldest started (all day) school and my youngest was 2 1/2. Since that time, I have never been happier or healthier. I am a teacher, so I have my summers with my boys. I am very grateful for that time with them, but I am also very, very, very glad that it is just for the summer. Right now a part of me is very excited to see back to school supplies out and is starting to want to count the days until school starts :-)

My point is saying all that is not to tell you that being a SAHM sucks and don't do it. My point is, I wasn't happy. I tried to make the best of things, but I really wasn't happy. Going back to work made me happy. It also made my time with the kids much better because I was happier.

You have to be happy. If you are happy, your kids and your husband will be happier. I think what you need to do is pick a time when there's little or no stress, when the girls are doing something and won't bother you. Sit down and talk to him about that. Don't talk about what he's doing wrong or that he shouldn't spend money or that if he really loved you he would work 3 jobs like your dad did. It's not fair to him to compare him to your dad or compare your marriage to that of your parents, and it isn't even the point. The point is you are really unhappy. The two of you need to talk about what you can do to help that situation. You probably need to come up with some ideas or the beginning of a plan before you sit down. Think about ways you can save money (not just him). Think about ways you could work part time or cut corners or something. Think about advantages of you being a SAHM (does that save any money? less eating out?) Just really think about it on your own, so that when you talk about it with him, he knows that you hear him and are considering his feelings.

There are no easy answers. Our family makes sacrifices so that I can work, because it's important to me. Your husband might be being selfish, but he might also have some genuine concerns that you are poo pooing. You need to make sure you really listen.

I really wouldn't mention that your dad worked 3 jobs. No way would I want my husband working 3 jobs!!! I'd never see him, and he wouldn't have time with his kids. If we were financially strapped or in a crisis situation, that would be one thing (and hopefully temporary). But I wouldn't consider that as a way to replace your salary. That's not fair to him. If both your kids are in school, you should definitely consider part time opportunities if money is really a concern.

Talk to him, but not in an accusatory way. He loves you, right? He wants you to be happy. Trust that!

Very few people have jobs that cause them to bounce out of bed dying to get to work. Most people I know have jobs that they tolerate because they need to earn a paycheck.
If all he is doing is TALKING about wanting this, that, or the other thing, then let him dream.
Sounds like the two og you need a CTJ on finances.

i would go back to counseling. maybe with a different counselor. but you and your husband have some problems that need to be worked out.

I like Fanged Bunny's advice - change your circumstances or attitude, or both :)

Sounds to me that you will have to come up with a way to make this work financially. A friend of mine tallied up all the expenses that came with her working (childcare, clothing, gas, parking, etc.) and then figured she could clean homes instead - set her own hours, and be home when the kids got home from school. Not her dream job, but she prioritized her life. Being home with kids was more important than what she did for work.

Good luck :)

Sounds to me like you need financial counseling. Not just "marriage counseling". I mean, sure finances are part of marriage and often the biggest reason for arguments in a household, but I'm not sure that you'll get the same sort of counseling from a marriage counseling about it as you might an actual finance person.

Dave Ramsey has a pretty good approach to addressing finances as a JOINT endeavor. So that might be one place to start. And you do both have to participate, you can't do it alone, and neither can he. But someone actually looking at YOUR finances and personal financial picture can really help you see things more objectively.

The biggest issue seems to be that you view what money gets you differently. It's value is different for each of you. You'd rather stay home than earn money. Is that b/c you want to be a more hands on/volunteer at school type mom? Or do you just not want to put in hours in an office all day? I don't know the answer to that. You might not even know yourself. I can tell you though, that the grass is always greener on the other side. And if you think your SAHM friends don't sometimes wish they had their own paycheck, or time to commute in the car with no kids... you're wrong. Both avenues have perks and both have down sides.
You are overcome with the negative aspects and can't see the up side. There is one. You just are focused elsewhere. And we can't tell you whether you'd be happier at home or not. Or whether it is feasible with your finances or whether your husband may change his habits ...
But you must discuss your financial priorities as a couple and come to some common ground. Make some compromises, figure out what is not negotiable for each of you, etc.
If I was working and HATED it, and I could stay home with a few tweaks to the budgetary choices, but my husband said, "no, I'd rather have new tattoos" I'd have a REAL problem with that. It's bigger than just disagreeing. It's a fundamental difference in your priorities.
You two need to have long discussions (probably guided by someone else, b/c even when people think they agree on most of it, they don't and there will be friction).

Best of luck.

Hi, workingmommaof2!

I haven't read all of the responses (there are so many!), but I do want to recommend a book titled, The Charge, by Brendon Burchard. Brendon is actually from Portland! This book changed my life, and I recommend it to all of my clients (I'm a business coach).

I do agree with some of the other moms who suggest pursuing a career that you enjoy...and most of the time, that means becoming an entrepreneur, in my experience. As an entrepreneur, my schedule is my own. I'm able to spend time with my kids, enjoy life, and still provide an income for my family. I don't dread getting out of bed to start my day, and I attribute that to the life that I created for myself. Maybe that's the answer to all of your challenges, too!

Good luck with everything - I wish you the very best!

Your job is what you do, not WHO you are. You go, earn your paycheck, take your three day weekends (a very nice perk in my eyes), and work on adjusting your perspective .Pick up a hobby that you enjoy, and if you are good at it, turn that into an income builder. I've worked with many people who have done just that.
I don't know you, but based off your post, you do sound a little selfish in regards to your husband. You want him to work extra jobs to support you, but that also comes with a price. Pretty soon we would see a post about how your husband is never at home, never does anything with you or the kids, complains about what you do/don't do all day, etc. There would be resentment on his end from having to work all the time, not to mention the money woes that would come from not having the extra income. This doesn't sound like a happy-making scenario to me for either of you. I'd think long and hard about all the angles before hoeing this particular row with your husband.

Being miserable just isn't worth it. Quit your job and just let the chips fall where they may. Plenty of families still live on one income. It's simply a matter of prioritizing. And if your kids are young, which I'm guessing they are because you want to be at home with them, then you'll save money by not needing someone to watch them while you work.