A Very Talkative Husband.

My best friend's husband is very Talkative. He is not condesending or argumentative but the type you say how are you to be polite and he tells you how he has been for the past year. It is embarassing to go out sometimes. The UPS man delivered a package to his house and he told him all of his legal problems with his ex wife and about his sleep apnea! It drives my friend Lori crazy. We have just learned to accept some of this because it is how he is. However I do agree that you need to make him aware that he argues with opinions and does not let you have much input in conversation. Hopefully he is just not paying attention. If that does not work then honestly just try acting like him for a week and he will come around.

You've already gotten a plethera of responses, but I thought I'd throw my chip in the pot. My husband has the same issue. Even my female friends at dinner parties get an earful when their husbands seem to wander off to the TV or to check out the newest gadget.

I make a habit of walking away when he starts monopolizing. I'll ask one of the others who seems as tired of hearing everything as I am to refresh our drinks or show me her newest painting, pictures of the kids, anything to escape. When I've been gone for about 5-7 minutes, he'll look for me which pulls him away from the other women and then we'll meander into where the guys are hanging. As he begins anew his diatribe, I slowly wander back into the kitchen or where ever the ladies are and leave him there.

Needless to say, I usually do a lot of wandering back and forth, but everyone gets a break (except me) and when he's looking for me, they get to voice their thoughts.

This was the least rude and non-confrontational method I've used to keep him from monopolizing every conversation. At home, after 30 minutes of listening with no chance for rebuttal, I'd get up from where I was seated and wander out of the room to fix some tea, start some laundry or dry the dishes - just to give myself a rest. He often continued his conversation without me there then came wandering after me to continue his speech. After about two rooms of wandering, he got the point that I'm not participating and then gave me a chance to speak. That's when I pointed out all the wandering I do. I asked if he noticed it - which of course he had. I asked if he knew why I wander and of course he didn't. So point blank with no mercy I told him he does't let me speak so I'm not a participant in any conversation therefore I'm not bound by the rules of etiquette to remain and listen. Then I explain that participating includes being able to speak and be heard which he has not allowed. If he started up again with his bad behavior, I again wandered away. Soon he started recognizing my pattern and as soon as I stood up or walked out, he was right behind me but silent. He'd wait until I had spoken my peace before responding.

He's learning - but it's a slow process to change a bad behavior. It takes consistency. You have to stand your ground and not budge until he is willing to compromise.

We now have great conversations and rarely do I need to wander.

Remind him that: "You can't learn nuthin when your mouth is a jawin". And "Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much".
No one likes to talk to someone that overpowers a conversation. Conversation is a give and take.
My husband was like that for years, then overnight he sort of grew up and realized how much better it was to listen rather than talk. You learn so much more and keep yourself a little more mysterious.

Hi A.,

I see you mentioned you were going to Bible college. Does your husband share your faith? If he does, you have the Word of God to back you up. First of all, pray. No man, not just a man like your husband, will take criticism. I don't care if it's constructive or not. The next thing to do is share the passages about pride (this is the issue you are dealing with), the tongue and meekness. The way you share them will have to be how you see fit. Whether you want the family to memorize scripture together or if you want to print some out and hang them on you side of the bathroom.

Remember it took him his whole life to get to this point so you have to be patient. God bless you. I hear your frustration but you have an advocate!

M.

A., sweetheart --- I have daughters in your age-group- and I'm telling you right now--- you can NOT honor God without honoring the first and greatest gift He gave you---- YOU____ You would NEVER treat a neighbor as you're treating yourself--- take a day to make yourself an unbreakable covenant and begin to honor the person God gave you first --- the others' will thank you -.

Blessings,
J.
aka --- old Mom

Hello-THERAPY! Sorry but this is a therapy issue fer sure! Couples or individual. He has a problem and it is probably a narcissitic disorder driven by underlying insecurity. And he is being very unkind to you by your description. It is a much deeper issue then just "talking". Hope you get some help. Good luck...

Have him read the article that your wrote and see if that gets through to him at all. Personally, I would consider superglue on his lips.
Just kidding.
Ask him to see how long he can "not talk" and keep his opinions to himself for just one night.
Or take a little tape recorder and when he starts in, flip that tape recorder on and then when you get home and you guys go to bed, flip it on and let it talk him to sleep... He may see things differently.

Yep, I'm with ya'. I had one of those husbands and now he's an ex-husband (There were a lot of other issues). He always embarrassed me in social situations by monopolizing and topping everyone's story. Like your DH, mine would ask people for their opinion only as a way to point out their flaws. I think it must've made him feel superior. You're lucky, though, because if I ever did get a word in, he would later criticize ME for monopolizing the conversation. In fact, if someone ever directed a question specifically at me, he would interrupt after only a few words and steer the question to involving himself. Then later he would say, "I really hate it when you interrupt me like that. Next time, let me do the talking." Can you believe that?! Believe me, you've got it good!

What should you do? I know this is nothing more than habit and lack of social skills (and probably an inflated ego). To break a habit, you have to be conscious of when it occurs. My ex's ego was too inflated for me to intervene in any way (Believe me, I tried), but yours may be more open to change, especially if he truly is unaware of his behavior. Try working out a subtle signal between you for when you're in social situations and his behavior gets out of hand. You could pull on your ear or elbow him gently. He might actually appreciate your help in breaking this habit...if you're lucky.

Good luck. I hope your marriage survives better than mine!

Hi A.
I have a similar situation as you. My husband doesn't try to one-up anybody but, he just has to give every single little detail. His whole family is like that. They often talk so much that they don't even eat their meal. And, heaven forbid you try to respond. He/they won't even hesitate a moment for me to jump in. I have told him many times to be quiet and let others talk. I think it's a real turn off to others and has hindered his ability to make friends. However, he seems to have a one track mind and just can't seem to shut up. And, it seems to get worse as he gets older. His dad talks too much for my husband. So, I will occasionally remind him that he's starting to sound like his dad. That shuts him up for a little while. But, the quiet doesn't last long. We've been together 19 years and he just keeps on talking. Good luck!
E-

If you haven't already, try talking calmly with him about it before it happens. Ask him how he would feel if you did the same to him. You could also try treating him the same way that he treats you. Sometimes it takes that to open peoples eyes. I did this with my husband once and he has done it back. It is a real eye opener. The only other suggestion is to not stand right beside him when you're out or during business situations (unless you must be right there). If he asks you why, you can let him know that you have other things to do and he doesn't seem to need your help. Make sure to say something while you are not angry or you will probably start a fight. Pray about which way you should handle this and God will lead you in the right direction. Do not try talking while you are angry since that is just an open door for the devil. Nothing good can come from it.

Have you every asked him to give you just 15 minutes for you to talk to him without him saying a word? It will be hard but if he agrees to it hold him to it and tell him how he makes you and others feel. You said that you were attendin a bible college so you must know that a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and your husband is not doing that if he does not give you an opportunity to voice your views. Explain to him ALL you are doing and ask him to pitch in and help. I pray that this will help some

I know that I am very late jumping on the band wagon but only have two things. One is a saying I remembered as I read your letter...We teach people how to treat us. I watched my Mom live through this with her first husband and I spent so many hours crying and praying that she would walk away. She finally did and we were all so much happier...This was my life and your home could be totally different. With counceling she was able to find her voice and did not allow it to happen again with her second marriage. She has such a good and loving heart as I believe you do too. Do not forget yourself!!!

My other concern is your oldest child as kids learn from their environment and we learned as girls that that was the way a man spoke to a woman and the boys learned that that was the way they should talk to a woman. It was all we knew. When Mom left our Dad we went through many feelings but after many conversations with Mom and a counselor we began to understand. Mom said that she did not realize. We love both of our parents dearly but we have also learned that we have rights. I wish you and your family much happiness and that it all works out for you.

Love should not hurt and you desearve happiness. Keep standing on your two feet and do not become invisible. You are a caring and loving wife and Mom and deserve so much.

God Bless

I would just out right interupt him. but thats just me lol .

I have one too! drives me nuts! The thing is mine doesn't speak too much when we are alone but when others are around...Look out!!No one can get a word in! I have always avoided social situations because he embarasses me so badly.

Good luck and obviously - you are not alone!

Judy C put you on the right track the best way to fix this problem and honor GOD is to seek Him by praying and staying out of his way and letting him fix you husband any other way will bring greater stress sure our problems seems the same but the people are different would you like for your husband to judge you by someone else just because you do something like another persons. Look all around you read what was writen back to you and ask yourself how many of these women have left or did anything about their husbands.
Look back and remember what you and he have went through and just why you married him in the first place and maybe just maybe you will ask GOD to fix you because we can't change others until we change our self when you do that you will find a change for the better in him and you. GOD is your answer one of my best tools on a person that talks to much or rub me the wrong way is LORD let few words be spoken in a very low voice to myself and it works a lot of the time they leave or mind goes on to something else.
Not judging just want you to no God saw this email and send me to say try HIM he will fix this problem for you.
My joy follow you all you days.

Hello A.,

I just saw your reply and would like to add something;
I am reading a book called "Truth heals" by Deborah King and it could probably help you too. I find it wonderful of simplicity, wisdom and truth. It helps you deal with yourself and the others... Check it online or in a store if you get a chance.
Good luck,

F.

A have a friend like this - nice guy but he can drive me bonkers sometimes. He just doesn't seem to pick up on the subtle hints and body language that people would like you to stop talking now... So he sometimes talks your ear off about stuff you don't care about, and he tends to repeat a lot of stuff he hears on Fox News.

My husband and I think that he's slightly on the Aspberger's side of the normal spectrum. I mean, he's quite bright, highly functioning, great engineer (very technical) - but some of his socializing tends to follow what you describe.

Read up a little on Asperger's and see if that might help explain it.

Remind him that there is a reason God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth! You may ask him to tell you something about the people that you socialize with- can he tell you anything-or was he talking too much? I have done that with my family member, and they were pretty embarrassed. Good Luck

Hi A.- This is a real long shot, but that kind of behavior is not uncommon in individuals who have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). He may never have been picked up in school and, therefore, never treated. If this is the case with your husband, it can be successfully treated!!!! Read about the symptoms of ADHD......problems with attention and focus, procrastination, problems with executive function...etc. Oftentimes, just some medication and talk therapy can help this "talkativeness" subside. Let me know what happens. Best of luck!

Well, I understand that y'alls is a marriage like most, Opposites Attract. However, when the quiet one has something to say, the talkative one should stop, observe, and listen. Because you don't ask for much, but when you do, he needs pay the 2 minutes of attention that you need. He needs to be told this. If you cannot correct him with everyone else, at least help him to understand the 2 minutes a day you need.

I was going to mention Aspergers but I see others have mentioned it. My son has Aspergers and when I was answering a questions with the therapist I kept thinking my husband has the same issues. I asked the therapist about the possibility of my husband having Aspergers and she said it was very possible because its genetic. My husband rambles on and on and I can see the person becoming uneasy because he just goes on and on and doesn't notice that he either boring them or just saying such nonsense. He loves talking about himself or what he knows but doesn't listen when others talk to him. On the other hand my son-in=law talks all the time too and is a no it all and no one can tell him other wise. He more angry than happy. We think a form of Aspergers, bi polar or just a plain butt hold. I hope you get the answer or help that you need. I feel your pain. God Bless.

Hi A., I too have this problem with my husband and just about dropped dead when I read your post because it is my husband and I in a nutshell. Does your husband also think that because he makes a statement and believes it that it is an ACTUAL FACT? Mine does. It is exhausting to have a simple converstaion with him so we don't talk much and now I am in counseling because of it. We have 6 children all together (blended family) and just to talk about whatever is going on with the kids or to make an important decision is impossible. If I can figure a way to deal with this problem I will be writing you PRONTO! My good thoughts and wishes are with you!!!
M. (40 and feeling 100)
Ps. you can write me personally if you need someone to sound off on. :)

Is your husband possibly on the autism spectrum? You mention you have a child who is autistic and autism often runs in families. He may be autistic or somewhere on the spectrum (asperger's?) which may cause him to not be as socially adept. He may not pick up on the subtle social cues that other people normally would. I have some relatives with asperger's and when you get on a subject that they're interested in they just can't close their mouths!

Maybe let him know sometimes people wonder why you do not talk at all

OK this is hilarious (from my point of view at least). It really hits home. My husband loves to talk. Just last night I asked him (not for the first time) if he realised he cut people off and didn't wait for them or me to finish a sentence. He responded hat he didn' realise. If he cuts me off i will sometimes stop, look at him and ask him to please let me finish my sentence.

While he is actually very intelligent, he also gives advice on things he doesn't know about. He does tend to feel he is always right. If we are with friends we know well I will pull him up and not let him BS to them. I do this only with very close friends who know us very well or it could be too belittling.
One funny example: he mentioned ages ago to friends about how great our baby bath is and he would recommend it. Then he impishly adds, "of course I haven't actually bathed the baby yet". That floored me that he actually owned up to it!
Anyway I think he other people who responded are right that it is a form of insecurity.

I would keep respectfully (try not to embarass him) pointing it out, tell him that his intelligence/strength of conviction can be a little intimidating to people and that he needs to let them talk so that he is actually getting to know someone, not just overpowering a conversation. When you are with him, I would actually ask him "do you want to know what I think?" or "do you mind if I say somehing". That will hopefully put him on the back foot and he may slowly figure it out. It may take doing this once per outing or conversation, but usually once works for my husband.

good luck

You could try writing him a letter (perhaps similar to your question here) and see if that will help him be more self-aware. Just be sure you do and say plenty of things to recognize, admire, and build on his good points. Bad habits can be very hard to change, and it can take a long time. If he is willing to recognize this issue and work to improve and you are so careful not to nag and criticize and are willing to be patient, this can improve over time. Just remember that we all have quirks, not just him. Emphasize the good things.

hello Adrea, my name is J. and i have the same situation with the talkative husband. He is a great man we are engaged, but when we have arguments it usually sounds like we've been married for a while. I love and care for him but sometimes he can be such a pain. also i encourage you just to seek out all you can in your marriage i try to join activity's that he enjoys and likes so that the conversations,the moods and the neagitive feelings stay positive you can bet this i have 100% faith.

A couple books for you: Boundaries. They are both titled "Boundaries" but one has a subtitle that I cannot remember. It is about setting boundaries and not letting people intrude on you. I found these very helpful.
God bless and good luck,
M.

Arlean S has the answer for you.

We cannot change someone else. We can only change ourselves. When you change the way you react to him he will have to react to you in a different manner. This is true with any relationship problem.

Someone said she had begun to walk out of the room. That got his attention and he wanted to know why.

Another bit of advice was that it has taken his whole lifetime to get this way, so don't expect miracles in a few days.

God bless!
D.

Sounds pretty familiar. I am a 34 yr old first time Mom and my husband a 38 yr old first time Dad, who thinks he knows it all, especially about raising a child. He'll talk a strangers head off in the check out line, and get him in a crowd at a party, and you'll never get a word in. He always has the right solution, the right answer, and the right decision. And of course, Mom is always wrong...so see, it's not just you. There is the word "compromise" we have been working on, but it's a challenge...there is hope for us all, we hope...good luck. Thanks for sharing.

My ex is an incessant talker. He will never shut up or stop taking over the conversation. Many times he tells the same story over and over. It's an addictive personality trait. They love to hear themselves talk.
Have you been to counseling?
We did; and I realized he'll never evolve or change. Hence, the divorce!
I realize in myself that I sometimes get so excited about what the other person is saying that I "jump ahead"; and have learned to say "sorry, I interrupted you...please go ahead". But am a natural listener. The opposite of my ex.
I wish you the best in making your journey a pleasant one...

I have had a problem where I felt I was constantly being cut off and usually just stop and give him a look and finally he says go ahead, what? The other thing I have done is when he jumps in while I am speaking to say something like thanks for cutting me off and that seems to be making my husband a bit more aware--not an immediate cure but I don't think there is.

Dear A., sorry this response is sooo long after your request, I just came across it today. I hope you & your husband have had improvement on the issue since then. I saw that you were going to Bible College & I thought if maybe you are a Christian & possibly your husband, then there is definitely hope for change! You sound so faithful & humble & gifted--he is blessed to have you for a wife. The other responses were right on--you can't change him, but if you do follow Christ, then HE can... Hope in Christ is more than wishful thinking, its a confident belief that his word of restoration WILL succeed in the end. This is what keeps me from freaking out on a daily basis worrying about my kid's future and/or any cracks that come up in my husband's & my relationship. Romans 5:5 "And this hope [in Christ] will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."
I myself am a recovering "know it all"--I grew up in a family of know it all's, all competing for the floor! 1 Corinthians chapters 1-4 lays out the limits of human wisdom, compared to God. Its both humbling and encouraging. We are held in the hand of a God who is infinitely wiser than us.
Love, R.

Kindly ask him to. You know