ADHD, Lds and Homework Tantrums - in a High schooler...seriously?

I have a stepson with ADHD and OCD he's 14. 9th grade. He's been on meds and in therapy since 3rd grade. He truly tries but still has social issues, attention focus problems. We have to remind hiM To do things chores, homework etc when he gets upset he gets upset full rage from 0-10 in seconds. He is to walk away cool down use his tools. Therapy has benefited him with his meds. I can't imagine him without meds as it is now he's barely passing. He's gitten most of his electronics taken away at multiple times for long periods.

Highly recommend Love and Logic for Teens. I don't have experience with adhd or other diagnoses. I do homeschool my daughter who is in 10th grade. I also homeschooled my step daughter and she had lots of learning issues. One thing I have learned is NOT to take responsibility for their grades or work. I had a very honest conversation with my daughter and explained her grades were a reflection of her work only. I could provide the best education possible but she was the only one who would be affected by her grades. I mentor her and if she's disatisfied with a grade I will certainly help her figure things out. Love and Logic is about the parent backing off and letting the kid make mistakes while they're cheap. In the beginning it was hard for me to let my kids fail. I don't know why that is, maybe I felt it was a reflection on me. None or us like to see our kids struggle but really how realistic is that? Maybe you say something like, honey I know it seems like I'm nagging you about your school work. I've decided I'm not doing that anymore and I want you to help me accomplish that. I know you're smart enough to realize you have to graduate high school as a minimum requirement. Take as long as you like to do that, I'll support you all the way. Most people graduate high school in 4 years, but that's not written in stone. I am here if you need assistance and I know your teachers want to see you succeed as well. Let me know if I can help you. Then back way off. If he starts a tantrum say I can see you're upset. I'm sure you'll figure out what to do. Let me know when you calm down if you need help. Nearly slammed doors would be met with you know, when you slam doors it makes my head hurt. I need to have some quiet time in my room. You'll need to unload the dishwasher because that's what I had planned to do before my head started hurting.

I wonder if you employed a college age guy to work with him on his homework a couple nights a week if that would be good. I doubt he would behave like that in front of a 19-20 year old. Another idea might be sylvan learning center or something of that sort. He's made it clear he doesn't want your help and I wonder if it's because he feels less than because he needs help. My daughter will struggle before she asks for my help because she doesn't want to admit she might need me. ;)

Bottom line, in my opinion, I have a very short time now to finish preparing my daughter to stand on her own. She has to learn responsibility to be independent. I want her to be confident and know she can make mistakes and learn from them. It's a process. It's hard to start letting go and watch them make mistakes. It's also very necessary.

Blessings!
L.

I'm in the dark as far as having a child with ADHD, but my instinct would be the same as yours, and I would try to find a physical outlet that doesn't involve a "tantrum". Is he interested in any solo sport like running or general working out? Is he open to discussing this issue sometime when it's not happening? If so, maybe you two can think together about what could be a good solution that doesn't involve breaking things and (almost) slamming doors.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has run into many adults with anger issues and temper control problems separate from any ADHD, so I'm not sure if your son's issue is really all about his ADHD or part of learning how to control one's behavior. Either way, teaching coping mechanisms and no tolerance of taking it out on other people seems like at least part of the solution.

I hope someone with more personal experience has good advice for you, good luck!

If he thinks he's doing alright without a medication - he's wrong.

What are his plan for after high school (assuming he graduates)?
If you are not pushing him to achieve a level of academic standards now, when are you going to?
How are you going to deal with him when he's an adult in a few years and won't hold a job?
Are you planning on him living with you forever?
Is he taking any vocational training (I assume college is not in his future with Ds as grades)?
As a parent our job is to eventually put yourself out of the job : to raise a helpless infant into become a self sufficient adult who can support himself and someday raise his own kids.
I'm not seeing how he's going to become a self sufficient adult at the rate he's going.

I think there's some inconsistency here-- you are giving him the autonomy not to take a medication which it sounds like he needs, yet you are making him do homework.

Personally, I'd structure it the other way round: he HAS to take his medication and then the homework is optional. That's between he and his teacher. I wouldn't give freedom in the area of mental health and then impose structure on the less important issue. (and in my opinion, the homework IS less important than the medication) He can learn that the work comes more easily once he's gotten used to the medication.

I learned for our family that leaving the homework situation to be arranged between our son (seven) and his teacher works a lot better. In the short time his teacher suggested this arrangement, homework time has become MUCH more pleasant. At 16, your son needs to be practicing those communication skills with the powers that be in his life. For our kiddo, who very likely has some similar issues as your son (we'll be having him evaluated in the next few months), we felt that MY overseeing his homework meant that he acted up because he wanted me to see he was so stressed and therefore release him from the task. Now that I am no longer involved in to that end (I just remind him to fill in the parent feedback part and initial it---- and he's coming up now with some very pertinent and constructive feedback on his own, BTW) -- the homework time has been so pleasant. The teacher has also made it clear that if there is conflict around homework, *they* will work it out together.

I'm so grateful and appreciative for this teacher-- he is helping our son develop some substantial life skills at an early age. If and when we receive a diagnosis, we'll be getting some counseling for helping him manage himself and organize himself-- just to give him tools. Medication will be a last resort, but it's not off the table if he's struggling. I take medication for anxiety and my life is vastly improved-- and my relationships are better as well. This is something I realize I may have to take for the rest of my life. I think it's better to go into a situation and say "here's where we start, lets build the foundation to help your brain as much as possible first and go from there". Inattentive- ADD or anxiety-- it's all how we process things which profoundly affects us. If it were me, I'd start there first. He seems to have the skills to manifest his knowledge when it is applied-- I get that way too-- you have to make sure he has the tools to be able to communicate it in other ways without losing his temper.

This is the way he is choosing to do his schoolwork. At 16, they usually exhibit all kinds of irrational behaviors. So IMO, if this is how he chooses to do his schoolwork, let him. Just ignore and go about your business. Tell him to go yell in his room.

Now that I've seen so many kids -- ADHD and otherwise -- mature out of some pretty bizarre and irrational teen behaviors, I'm pretty sanguine about teen behavior, as long as it's not too disrespectful or disruptive.

As long as he gets his work done, let him do it his way. One day he will figure out he's wasting his time.

He sounds like my son who is now twenty four, and actually has now been in Junior college off and on for a number of years. He was doing this during highschool, but again same as your son,not enough to get help for being learning disabled, I have been an aide and sub for years, so I truly know how to work with children and he would refuse help, didn't go to his tutors -he did graduate highschool and after several hospitalizations, sadly after highschool it was determined he is bi polar/manic depressive and ADHD. He is on several medications now,(they are wonderful for him- but still occasionally throws the little fit (last week in fact) but not so severe and he is doing alright in school, but he likes acting and drama more than taking required classes soooo....he works, acts and works on plays.Not saying that your son is at all bipolar, just saying that about my son and that we have learned to also kind of ignore the outburst. It's like our annoying dog who barks a bit too much, we kind of wait it out til he comes to a point where he realizes that he might be able to channel this elsewhere.While I do have another son who does not have this condition and has moved out in some ways: .This particular son is my hero and welcome to stay in my home until he finds a way that he will be able to support himself\ decently. He has struggled with his painful condition for many years and personally I would not be able to live with myself if something happened to him without the benefit of good psychological and financial resources. Not everyone moves at the same pace.

It sounds like he needs additional support in one way or another. If he will not take medication, will he work with someone who understands his learning issues and will help him find another way to cope? Or perhaps that person can gently lead him toward medication if that is what he needs to succeed. One of my young relatives refused to take medication and did not want to be labeled and ended up self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and dropping out. I would be looking for local resources and be in the office of whoever supplies him help with his IEP or the guidance office, looking for resources. You might also look for an outside tutor who is not you, so that it's not personal.

And I totally "get" that math in a job setting would be easier for him. It makes sense. I hated Algebra. I did very well in Chemistry. You might also talk to his teacher and say, "So he does well with x but not in class. Is there anything you can do to show him a real-life application for this so he can understand it?"

A friend also sent their son to an ADHD friendly program through their local community college, before diving into FT 4 year degree. He earned credits, but also learned organization, time management and other things that ultimately helped him succeed. You should see if there's anything like that near you.

By the way, age 16 was such a black and white age for both my sks. Either it was totally right or totally wrong and they were very rigid in their thinking. If you see that behavior, that could just be the age, frustrating as it is.

You're the adult. Either you tell him he has to take his medication or he's going to have to go inpatient where they'll make him take it...unless you really don't care if he takes it or not, if not then don't bother.

If he is doing that poorly in school he needs the special ed classes and benefits that his IEP offers him. He's not going to get in college or have much of a life after high school other than minimum wage jobs if he is making that low of grades.

If he's really struggling with the homework this much I suggest you call a team meeting with all his teachers there and lay it out where they make him do the work in class or a study hall or something. It's silly to assign busy work homework and if this is class work he's not getting done then he needs extra time to do it. Plus I'd make them responsible for helping him with the work. I understand you're a tutor but he's your child and he's going to be resistant to your tutoring him.

I have a friend who struggled through school and even started a mechanical engineering degree because his dad made him. He started fixing cars on the side and eventually dropped out of college and became a full time excellent mechanic. He was so much happier! Maybe vocational schooling is a better path for your son? At this age I would have a mature discussion with him and help him see the pros and con's of ALL his options for his future (VOC school, using the assistance of his IEP, dropping out to go to work, finding an apprenticeship, getting his GED online, etc.). My husband stopped college, worked landscaping and played in bands for years while living at home and much later than most got a college degree. We do not all walk the same traditional path.