Advice About a Friend

I have been asked to lie on the stand for two different people in my family, and I chose absolutely not to do it. What you do, if you are called to stand, is talk as little as possible!(act scared, shy, embarrased ect.) Tell the court what you are saying to us: You don't remember anything out of the ordinary happening the night she came over or the exact date she was there. You would be there for your friend by testfying and the juror and judge would feel you are a waste of their time, because you haven't got the info that they want. You don't have to lie, just be there and say nothing! You will get to hear the rest of the trial if you wish and be gone and out of sight before she gets done with all of the court stuff afterwards! I was younger when I had to testify and all I did was say..."I dunno..." about EVERYTHING! They typed it everytime! I wasn't really lying because I really didn't know exactly and I didn't want to make stuff up just to talk! Good Luck!

Hey A.~

I have been there, and been the stupid one, that "done that". I had friends that pulled me out of my life away from reality. I drank, smoked weed and cigarettes and just did everything I knew I shouldn't. I was raised right, treated right, but I wanted to have fun...you see I was raped and molested when I was 5 and then raped again when I was 20. I decided that my life wasn't fair and I was going to enjoy it while I was still here in this world. I went out and took my anger and frustrations out on the world today. I had friends that no longer hung out with me, that I knew still cared for me, and would talk to me when I needed it...I knew they were there even though they wanted no part of what I was doing. They are the ones I was able to fall to, come crawling to, when I was done being stupid and they were there to help me. These are true friends. If it wasn't for them, I think I would have lost myself completely. It doesn't mean that you have to stand beside her and approve of everything that she does...it means that you are the person that will be there in the background, praying for her, asking God for assistance in your friends time of need. This is what she needs more than anything. I feel bad for your friend. I was gone from my "real" world for about a year. I ended up pregnant, homeless and a druggie. Without my friends, I would never be the happily married woman with two children that doesn't drink or do drugs. Maybe this will help you. I pray that you will have the strength to help your friend. I hope you will be able to give your friend the strength and guidance when she needs it. Good Luck, God Bless and if you need anything, please email me back at ____@____.com.

WOW!
We have to deal with the choices we make in life. I am not a person that judges people so I can not say anything about her sleeping with a 15 year old. My advice to you is to walk away. If you believe in the power of prayer then that is a very good thing and you can pray for her. you can not help a person that does not want to change. she is going through a lot of transitions in her life. Please here me when I say that no matter you and your spouse are one and you can not bring situations like that into your marriage. I hope this helps.

i would NOT lie for her, that puts you, and your family in danger of you getting charges for purjery. also while i dont think that her husband was right for cheating, he does seem to be the lesser of two evils, and they way she is acting now, it doesnt sound like she needs to be the one taking care of the kids, the important thing is that the kids are being taken care of and if shes not doing that then they need to be somewhere else

Hi A.! Wow, what a mess! Your friend is clearly in a terrible, dark place in her life right now. A true friend is one that walks in when everybody else walks out- someone told me that once and I think it's true. Obviously, don't compromise your family or your values. Help with her children when you came. If you must be a witness, follow your gut and TELL THE TRUTH. See if you can talk to her attorney first and discuss what you do and don't know. The truth, in the long run, never complicates anything- and this is already complicated enough!

I spent a while on the wrong road myself. I'm a sober alcoholic today, but not too long ago I drank away my marriage, job, family, and custody of my daughter. It is so hard to start climbing out of a pit that deep. I basically wore out everybody I had known and had to find support from new friends in AA. They taught me that anyone can turn their life around- Not Matter How Far Down They've Gone. And I did- I have my daughter back!- so it must be true.

My rule of thumb for helping in this kind of situation is this: As long as she is doing the work herself to move in the healthy direction, help her as much as you can. Give till it almost hurts. If ever she turns back to any unhealthy behavior, stop helping- completely! This is likely the hardest thing she will ever have to do. It's not easy to be a friend in these times, but, no matter what happens, if you stay close to her without compromising your values, you will be blessed beyond measure for the part you play. It starts with gratitude for the family and good life you have today! God bless and good luck to you all.

A.,
When you have a friend who hurts,you hurt as well. However you can simply tell her how you are feeling and let her know you are not against her, but you want to help her.Also maybe telling her you are there for when she's ready to talk and get to the bottom of the problem so she can start to fix it. It is so easy to love someone when they are doing things the way you see fit, but it is so....hard to love then when they mess up. LOVE THEM WHEN IT IS THE HARDEST.
With that said, you can love her and not be in the middle of her mess at the same time.Friendship can be tough, we put up with more than we would from our husbands. I know I walked away from a friend 2 years ago and then 2 months ago I thought she was dead (I won't go into details)When I found out she was alive but her childs father was dead I grabbed back on. I still feel like sh@! that I walked away and I can never change that,but at the same time true friends can go without seeing each other or talking to each other for a period and pick back up where they left off,just make sure what ever you do you won't feel like you weren't a friend. I will pray for you both along with her children, God will guide you to where you need to be, but Never lie under oath. NO ONE IS WORTH GIVING UP HEAVEN FOR!!NO ONE!!!
I wish you all the luck and feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to as well, cause like I said in the beginning -when a friend is hurting, you are hurting too.
God Bless, T. D.

Man, how crazy is that? I would let her subpoena you, and when you get to court, tell the truth! I know it hurts to see your best friend go through this, but she is a big girl and she needs to wear her big girl panties and deal with the consequences of her actions. You have your own family to take care of and you just can't get involved with all the drama. If she is manipulating everyone else, she is manipulating you too. This fight to get her kids back is hers. Ya know? Good luck and let us know how everything turns out.

A.,

I've had a similar situation in the past although no children were involved, but my friend was still married while doing similar behaviors and wanting me to cover for her which I refused to do. I think the best thing you can do at this point as a friend is have a very frank discussion with your friend. Tell her that you will not lie for her - no exceptions. That you have concerns about her parenting decisions and it concerns you. This is not just about her, she has other lives affected here. Let her know you feel badly about the divorce and the situation but she cannot change it so she needs to step up to the plate for her children. Explain to her that her poor choices are affecting your friendship and that you cannot allow your family to be affected by this. Tell her that you do feel badly for her but that lying and sleeping around will not fix this problem. Get the name of a good counselor or psychiatrist and give it to her with the phone number written down so she doesn't have any excuses not to call and make an appointment. Suggest that you go with her the first time if you are able to, but let her know that after that you will need to step away for the sake of your family. This will be very hard and she will probably either get mad and refuse to talk or play the poor pitiful me card. You have to stick to your guns here or she will repeatedly come back to you and it will only get worse. It is very difficult ending a friendship when you know your friend you care about has been hurt, but this is not your fault, you didn't create the situation and it's not your responsibility to remedy it. You need to do what's best for you and your family at this point. Good luck!

I was in your shoes not to long ago. Our stories are sort of simular. My friend was also a toxic friend. We were friends for 4 years and then everything went down hill. She started cheating on her husband, abusing her children, snoking,drinking and doing drugs. I finally could not watch what was going on anymore and I left teh friendship. It's almost been 2 years now and I still mourn teh freindship but it's better for my family and myself. Good luck!

A.,
I would like to think that I could be there for a close friend if something like this happened. But I can not say that for sure. Do you have anyone at your church you can confide in about it and talk with about it?
If you do get a subpoena you have to tell the truth in court. You can not put your family in harms way.
Good luck and God Bless
J.

i completely agree with what becky said. i've been there with one of my friends. she's right.

My goodness! Everyone has said really good things. I just think that you have to remember to put those children first. Your friend is an adult and while she may need help, you are not going to be able to help her until she's ready. Her kids, on the other hand, don't have a voice of their own. If you feel that she's not ready to take good care of her children, it's your responsibility as a friend and as a mother yourself to do what you can to keep the kids safe. And if that means saying in court that she's not ready to mother them right now, so be it. That being said, your own family is of course your number one priority. And if all this drama with your friend is causing stress in your life and, therefore, your kids' lives, you have to move on. You just have to decide what's you're comfortable with as far as your friendship with her. And if you are called to court to testify, the only thing you can do is tell the truth. If that makes her mad, it's her problem. Her kids' well-being is more important than her hurt feelings right now.
I hope it all works out for the best for everyone involved.

A.,
A 'good' friend would not put you in a position where you could perjure yourself. Use your best judgement and tell your friend that you will testify but that you cannot and will not lie - it sets a bad example for your children and is against your beliefs. Also let her know that you are trying to not judge her decisions, since you were fortunate enough to be married to a man different from her's, but that she might want to focus on understanding why she made these 'choices' and whether or not her new lifestyle is what's really best for her children. She will have to deal with her kids dad for the rest of their lives, she needs to figure out a way to make it work for everybody.
One last note, unless your friendship puts your children or marriage in harms way - I wouldn't desert a friend without giving her every opportunity to be as good a friend to you as you are to her, even if that means just being the shoulder to cry on. You never know when you might need one. Good luck!

You are being put into a complicated situation. There is nothing you can do to stop her from subpoenaing (sp) you. But, you are right, you should not lie for her. The kids are more important than the friendship (or what's left of it). She is young and going through a very difficult time. You can and probably should try to be there for her, but just keep in mind that you know she can and will lie to you and is making very bad choices in her life. She will realize on her own the mistakes she is making.

I don't really have a whole lot of advice for you. You have to think about your own family first.

Well, coming from a christian perspective. I definately would not lie on the stand. She has done some wrong things and needs to face the consequences. Although, I wouldn't cut ties altogether either. We all have done something wrong at one time or another. And even though society says it's okay to judge and punish, that really is not our job. If their were more people that were willing to forgive andtry and help there may be more people coming around to the right way of life. Sometimes all a person needs is a chance. Now don't mistake this for being a doormat. Give her a chance, tell her that it comes with a condition. That if she does anything to harm anyone again that you couldn't help her anymore.