My Son Doesn't Want to Go to Dad's

Get it in writing that his doctor doesn't recomend it and go straight to the authorities! That is a HUGE red flag! Please fight for him and do what ever it takes to not make him go!

A., is there anyway you can get C.P.I. to intervene like for instance he can't have the home visit if he cancels the one at C.P.I. They should really be on top of these cancelled visits everyone that I have ever known who had a situation like yours if the court ordered visits weren't followed to the letter by both parties then they could be changed to make the one not complying comply with the court order in this case he would have to make the visits at C.P.I. all the time or no more visits at all. This is just my opinion do you have a Domestic Violence program where you are? I live in Sacramento, Ca and we have an agency called W.E.A.V.E. but any agency that deals with battered women should be able to offer you some solutions to this problem. I hope some of my advice helped. I hope your son does get what he needs because if he's acting out like this it means he doesn't trust dad or doesn't feel comfortable around dad. He is trying to tell everyone but doesn't have the language skills to tell you guys what he is going through.
W. H

I had this same experience after my parent's got divorced. I hated going to my dad's house. My mom tried everything to get it so we could make our own decisions about going or not, but to no avail. It was truly hard on not only me but my mom as well.

What I suggest doing is trying to get the Judge to talk to your son, I had two visits with the judge over the child custody, and it helped to know that what I personally said to him would affect the visits that were supposed to happen.

The other thing I suggest is during a court hearing, have your son's therapist testify about what your son is telling her. The Judge will likely see what is going on, and then may change the court order. If this is not possible, the have the therapist write a letter to the judge. This will hopefully make the judge realize what it is doing to your son. A letter is usually better if you want to keep it relatively confidential. I am not sure if your ex-husband will recieve a copy of the letter or not, but then your ex's attorney can't attack the therapist either unless she is ordered to testify in court. It might be good for the judge to hear someone else's views and recommendations. Who knows, the judge might even "tear up" the court order and forbid your son to see his dad at your ex-mother-in-laws home, and require the visits to be at C.P.I only. Try to go for that. It may be a little better.

Hang in there and good luck!

There definetly seems to be something wrong with these visits. Have you thought about having someone he does not know watch from a distance on his visits? Too bad they are court ordered, because I wouldnt make him go if they werent.

On your "a little bit about me" section, you mentioned a violent marriage, well I am in a really bad relationship with my 2 children, and I am wondering how I can make a step to leave. I am too scared. I feel exactly the way that you do with wanting to raise them better than that. I do not want my daughter growing up, thinking its okay to be treated this way, and I do not want my son thinking its okay to treat women this way when he gets older, they have witnessed too much. He doesnt want me to take the kids when I do leave. So I am not sure what to do. Any advice would help, if you have the time that is.

Thank you

Hello A.. I also have a restaining against my ex and the kids had supervised visits with their dad. My ex had originally requested that one of his family members supervise the visits but I insisted that a supervising agency be used. The agencies document the visits and you can subpoena (sp?) these documents so you know what is going on and being said at each visit. Plus these documents are sent to Family Court and kept in your files so the judge also has access to them. Something is happening at his mother's house but because she is not required to document anything you have no way of knowing. I'm not sure what C.P.I. is but if they document the visits then I recommend you ask the judge to require all visits be done only by them and not at the mother's house. Will the therapist document the issues that your son is having with the visits? If yes, then you can ask her to send a letter to the judge. Judge's take information from therapists much more seriously than what they hear from mom and dad. I know for a fact because my kid's therapist wrote a letter to the judge about issues my kids were having with their visits and the judge made changes based on the letter. It's even better if the therapist is a psychologist. Anyways, I'm sorry if this is so long. I have a lot of experience in dealing with supervised visits and you are more than welcome to contact me further if you have any questions or need any information. I would be more than happy to help. I understand what you are going through and I know how fustrating it can be. My ex ended up threatening one of the supervising agencies and was then placed on theraputic visitation which means he can see the kids only in the presence of a therapist or psychologist. When this happened he stopped seeing the kids. They haven't seen him in 3 years. The kids don't miss him but it's sad he doesn't want to see his own kids. At least I know that they will be protected and safe if and when he decides to see them again. M.

Dear A.,

Where is your family? Cousins, aunts, parents. They need to help you, to give you support in finding help. Look in the yellow pages for lawyers that help low income people. There is one there - call and tell them you have a serious immediate problem. You also need to call the Children's Protective Services. They will listen to you. Maybe the Judge will listen to the Children's Protective Services too.

Do not give up keep calling them back and ask for help and advice. That is what they are for - to keep children from being in a dangerous situation. Also, doesn't the Judge realize that your husband is skipping the supervised visits ?

Write the Judge a letter and tell him your fears - that IS done, and sometimes it really helps. Also get the therapist to write a letter to the Judge to let him know her diagnosis of your child's condition.

Also, can't you tell them that your son is ill when the next visit time comes up? I know that it is not right to lie, but he really doesn't feel well does he?

Go to talk to your Pastor - if you do not belong to a church, then go to a nearby church and ask to talk with the Pastor or Minister. Tell him that you need guidance and advice.

Do all of this stuff. No telling which one will work or will start the process of getting help for your and your child.

Let us know what happens. Sincerely, C. N.

you need to have the visits modified to change ex-motherinlaw not to supervised, dad doesnt have to behaive there. the therapyst should also have a written statement for you to take to court. you didnt mention if you have a lawyer, if not go to those lowincome self help places or legal aid. also a family law mediator is good. document everything. dad not going to the c.p.i. just means that he has to behaive there so why go. good luck! get a restraining order against the dad for the children as well so all visits can be supervised by a professional not family.

I am not sure if you have an attorney, but maybe if you can get the therapist to come to one of the court dates, that would help so it would not be a she said/he said. Also asking for both visitations to be at the CPI would be better so they can be monitored by an unbiased person. I am sure your ex mother-in-law loves her grandkids, but I am sure she puts her son first. Just my two cents. Good Luck!

Unfortunatley if it is court ordered, you need to adhere to the orders, or you will be in trouble too. Speak with your caseworker, keep your son in therapy and request the therapist submit a report to the court regarding these issues. You could also request of the court, with documentation from the therapist and the preschool, that all visits take place at CPI (I am assuming this is child protection ?) due to the emotional behavior after visits at the grandmas. Can you speak to her about what is happening? Also perhaps have the social worker drop in on the visits at the grandmas. If you don't have some kind of family worker, call social services and request one. Good luck. I am a former child protection worker and if we can be helpful :) Hang in there, good job protecting your children and yourself. C.

Hi:

Sorry about your situation. Why don't you try having the therapist send a letter and maybe she can include a videotape of your son's hysteria. Hopefully he will listen to a third party. If that doesn't work, maybe you should consult a lawyer to see what other options you have.

And remember as your son gets older, his communication skills will increase and you will get a better picture of what is really going on.

Best of luck.

M.

A.,
I am sorry to hear about your situation, I can't really give advice but I want you to know that I am going to be praying for you and I am all ears if you need it.

S.

It sounds like your ex prefers the "supervision" of his mother in law, which may be insufficient to protect your son. You will need to get the help of every possible authority figure you can, so that they can weigh in with the judge, who sounds completely irresponsible. Request a social worker who can assess your son's behavior on visit days, so you have an objective outsider who can report to the court. Request a guardian ad litem. Call CASA - court appointed special advocates - in Napa and tell them the situation and see if they can refer resources in your area. And of course request that the therapist issue a report to the court. God bless.

Have you tried to go thru mediation? I know that you have the restraining order against him, but you still can have this done. Just let them know about the restraining order when you go to see them. You will talk to the mediator alone without him present. Also have the therapist subpeonaed to testify on behalf of your son. Let the therapist speak for him since the judge will not hear your concerns. I had a similar situation with my ex. Good luck with everything.

Do you have a lawyer? A good attorney is what you really need here. Someone needs to be fighting for the child's rights. Unfortunately, it takes a lot to completely end court-ordered visits, especially supervised visits (I'm guessing that's what C.P.I. means?)and terminate a parent's rights.

Worst case scenario is you deal with the bad behavior/visits for a few more years until the child is old enough to testify that they don't want to go.

Also, something to consider: what you tell your child and the way you talk about your ex is going to have a huge factor on his behavior between the back and forth (same goes for him). If you both are saying awful things about each other, even if they are true, it could be the cause of some of the friction and bad behavior. I know from experience because *I* am a child of divorce, my parents had a violent marriage, and they spoke of each other negatively throughout my life. It caused a lot of problems in my relationships with them and it certainly didn't make joint custody any easier.

I am so very sorry for your situation. It makes me VERY angry that the judge will not listen to you. You are the mother! Can you request another judge? Do not let ANYONE tell you that you do not know what is best for your son! Stay strong! Do you have someone who legally represents your son? You might consider talking to an attorney about representation for your son. Also, document EVERYTHING that has happened and is happening! Tell everyone you can about this also. Make sure you keep or develop a support network for you and your son.

A.,

Have you had a 730 evaluation done through the court? I think that may be helpful,the court will order a individual therapist to evaluate everyone involved and the children then they send the report to the judge. Hopefully he will head your therapist requests. But so many times it is moms that are pissed off at dad saying this or that to interfer with the relationship between dad and kids so the courts over compensate by forcing children to be with parents that they should not be exposed to. Unfortunately you have a very long road ahead of you since the kids are so young.

I think you might also beneifit from enrolling your boy in scoccer or little league something where he gets to play as well as be physical.

I will say a prayer for you and your boys, take care and good luck.

I was thinking maybe a recording on tape every time he has a fit. Have the teacher if they are willing to help write a statment saying how different he acts the day after visiting his dad. A drs. note saying that it is to much for him emotionaly to see his dad. Ask the jugde find out why he is not seeing the kids at the C.P.I. and only at HIS mothers house. He should have to see the with the C.P.I. every week inorder to see him at his mothers house. Him not wanting to see them there makes it sound funny to me. All I can say is good luck and I will pray for you and your kids. That has got to be hard.

get the therapist to right a letter have her get involved the judge will listen to a doctor, he has to. tell the therapist what the judge says and ask for her help.

I would make sure that the school is documenting these issues with your son, so that you have documentation to take to the judge. Incident reports or whatever they can do. Have them document it all, you too should be journaling these incidents. Do you have an attorney? I would get one if you can, or at least advice from one. Sounds like something is going on, perhaps a therapist could help too. Another way to get documentation and perhaps help for your son. Good luck!

A.,
What I would do is file a retraining order against the father for the kids and then it will be brought into court again but with a diferent judge. Get a letter from theripist or see if therepist will come to court. I hope yer baby is okay.
take care..... N. Sexton

HELLO. I WAS JUST READING YOUR THING AND MY MOM DOES FOSTER CARE SO SHE DEALS WITH THESE TYPE OF THINGS A LOT. i WAS THINKING YOU COULD REQUEST A SUPBEONA AND HAVE YOUR SONS THERAPIST WHO NOTICES THESE BEHAVIORS THERE AND ANY PRESCHOOL PROVIDERS THAT HAVE SEEN THIS GOING ON WITH YOUR SON THERE TO SHOW THE JUDGE ITS NOT JUST A MOTHER BEING OVER PROTECTIVE AND THAT THIS REALLY IS AFFECTING YOUR SON. AND SINCE IT IS COURT ORDERED VISITS MAYBE YOU COULD REQUEST THAT THEY ARE SUPERVISED VISITS WITH A PROFFESIONAL OTHER THAN THE EX MOTHER IN LAW.IM NOT SURE MY ADVICE WILL HELP ANY BUT I HOPE IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.

I would ask about being present at the visits to find out why your child doesn't want to go. Regardless of the protection order, I would think the courts would allow you OR someone you choose to go with your child to ensure the child's safety. You could go and bring a friend with you for support during the visit. I'd want to know what was actually going on, and be able to see it with my eyes. If it's something that shouldn't or is harmful to the child, I'd notify social services and tell them the situation and what's going on. Obviously if your child is having issues after the meetings maybe a social service worker should be present during every meeting to ensure the meeting is appropriate.

When my son was younger and I got out of my first marriage which was violent, we did the supervised visits for awhile at the HRS buildings, and then at a park with a social worker there, etc. My ex showed up drunk to one of the meetings (he only got one meeting per month for one hour) and I chose to discontinue the meetings. The social worker said in order for him to fight me on it, he'd have to get a lawyer and go to court and she'd testify against him for being drunk and vulgur in front of the baby.
He never even tried, never even got to see him at all. My son is now 14 and has seen him twice since then, IN MY HOUSE with me present. Still he never tried to get him or anything.

I noticed that your original post was all the way back in 2007. I hope you are doing well and that things have imporoved even more for you and your children. I admire you for getting out of that abusive relationship. It is a difficult thing to do. You are very strong!

~L.

Can you insist that the supervised visits be at the CPI? If he can cancel the one at CPI, can you tell him that you will have the kids there at his next visit and not take them to his mom's. You are not denying him the visitation you are just making sure that the kids are safe. If the judge says something tell him that you made the kids available, but they didn't feel safe at his mother's house.